GUIDELINE 22

Communicate Like a Boss

ACCORDING to research, ineffective communication skills account for over 80 percent of managerial failure. The intriguing question is to which extent does the inability to accurately communicate impair reaching managerial heights. The communication process is selfrevelatory. The way a person expresses themselves, the types of words they use, and what they talk about reveals their social and professional status, education, life experiences, cultural background, state of mind, and so on. That is why one of the classic open interview questions is, “Tell us about yourself.” How they hear you is how they perceive you.

Be careful to avoid the phenomenon referred to as the misrepresentation effect. It occurs because people rarely communicate anything without a specific, consciously or unconsciously pre-determined, plan in mind. Their aim is to make a particular effect, be it for other people to agree with them, perceive them in a specific way, or give them what they want. As a result, both communicators focus more on effect-management than on truly understanding each other. Special effects may be engaging in the movies, but they are strenuous in real life. Sometimes it is refreshing to let the masks come off.

The misrepresentation effect, along with the fact that people are imperfect communicators, causes many negotiations to go astray. When entering a negotiation, it is helpful to keep in mind that the communication process very seldom is a pure, neutral, and objective one. People do not willingly disclose all the information in their possession. They either deliberately withhold bits of it for their advantage, or they unintentionally do not display all the knowledge that they hold. Furthermore, each party might have different interests and their ideas on how they should be satisfied. Accordingly, how we communicate our goals is tainted by what we actually want to achieve. The end goal determines how we communicate.

There are various techniques for avoiding the misrepresentation effect and improving the communication process with the aim of grasping the hidden message and discovering the real intentions of the other party. When it comes to communicating, the old proverb, “Silence is golden” seems to enter a new dimension. The first rule of any process that requires obtaining information from the other party is allowing them to talk. This should be fairly simple. People have an enormous need for expressing themselves and being heard. The tricky part is the ability to truly listen.

Emotional exhibitionism seems to be a sign of our times, an observation which is reflected in the term selfie generation that was introduced in my book Negotiation Booster: The Ultimate Self-Empowerment Guide to High-Impact Negotiations. The various online social networks and information exchange portals serve as a vent for communicating and freeing the ego. Ironically, the heavy overload of correspondence makes people more immune to what others are really saying. The constant information flow lessens our perception of what is being conveyed in the heart of the message. In consequence, we are steadily losing the ability to listen, both in private and professional surroundings. Those who possess this skill are like diamonds in the rough. The capacity to actively listen is by far the most desired characteristic of a master negotiator.

Negotiation should be a process of hearing rather than talking, a balancing act between reason and emotions. It is an art of self-management. By applying reasoning to what we hear, we can manage our perception and rein in feelings that the speaker may evoke in us. It is at times a counterintuitive process. For example, when in the best interests of the negotiation we force ourselves to restrain from succumbing to negative feelings caused by the other party or avoid striking back just to flex our bargaining muscle.

While it is essential to maintain an objective stance, it is also recommended to listen with the use of emotions. Pay particular attention to the choice of words of the speaker. They designate what is considered reality from the point of view of the other person. Words are a valuable source of information about the speaker and their needs. Figuring out what is essential for the other party and presenting yourself (your proposal, CV, or service offering) as the answer to their wants are critical steps in establishing an interpersonal bond.

Some of my consulting mandates included screening job applications, specifically reviewing candidates’ motivation letters. I noticed that the majority of them were written from the “I” perspective: I want to work for your firm, I want to learn new skills, I want to join the best … basically me, myself, and I. A well-rounded motivation letter should not only explain the reasons why you are applying for a specific position. More importantly, it should answer one fundamental question: if you hire me, how will I be of assistance to you. The letter should, therefore, be crafted from the self-interest perspective of the company and not yours. It should address the question: What is in it for the other party? Remember that words create impressions. “They may forget what you said—but they will never forget how you made them feel” (Carl W. Buehner). In this sense, words can be used as a tool of psychological influence.

Listening should not be limited to the physical act of hearing what is being verbally expressed. Non-verbal and para-verbal communication forms an integral part of the negotiation process. While you actively listen to the words, watch out for changes in body language and take note of the manner in which things are said (para-verbals). A skilled negotiator should thus operate on all three levels of communication: verbal, non-verbal, and para-verbal.

Furthermore, negotiation is a process of information gathering and uncovering the ego. A savvy communicator aims at collecting multidimensional information: both explicit and implicit. Listen beyond the words. Register all the features that characterize the other person. Pay particular attention to the attributes of their professional and social status and look for glimpses of the ego reflected in attire, gadgets, jewelry, cars, office design, job titles, and so on. The ego lies in the details. These small indicators form the overall image of the other party. They help to figure out what makes the other person click and what might be the individual’s hot buttons or weaknesses.

In order to obtain exhaustive information, it is recommended to pose open questions. An example of an open question may be: What would have to be modified for you to accept this agreement? What are you looking for in an ideal job candidate? What does it take to succeed in this job? Some interviewees erroneously assume that it is not their role to ask questions. By failing to do so, they automatically place themselves in a submissive, reactive position. If you want others to treat you like a boss, you need to express yourself like one.