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How to Make Sure You’re Heard in a Difficult Conversation

by Amy Gallo

Quick Takes

A difficult conversation has to be a two-way street, whether it’s with your teenager or your boss. You’re unlikely to come to a resolution if you don’t hear the other person out. But equally important is getting your message across when you’re addressing a conflict. So after you’ve thoroughly listened to your counterpart, you can increase the likelihood that they will see things your way by taking the following steps.

Own Your Perspective

If you feel mistreated, you may be tempted to launch into your account of the events: “I want to talk about how rudely you spoke to me in front of your friends.” But that’s unlikely to go over well.

Instead, treat your opinion like what it is: your opinion. Start sentences with “I,” not “you.” Say “I’m annoyed that this project is six months behind schedule,” rather than “You’ve missed every deadline we’ve set.” This will help the other person see your perspective and understand that you’re not trying to blame them.

Explain exactly what is bothering you and follow up by identifying what you hope will happen. You might say, “I appreciate your ideas, but I’m finding it hard to hear them because throughout this process, I’ve felt as if you didn’t respect my ideas. That’s my perception. I’m not saying that it’s your intention. I’d like to clear the air so that we can continue to work together to make the project a success.”

Dorie Clark, author of Reinventing You, says that you should admit blame when appropriate. “It’s easy to demonize your [counterpart]. But you’re almost certainly contributing to the dynamic in some way, as well,” Clark says. Admitting your faults will help set a tone of accountability for both of you, and your counterpart is more likely to own up to their missteps as well. If they don’t, and instead seize on your confession and harp on it—“That’s exactly why we’re in this mess”—let it go.

Pay Attention to Your Words

Sometimes, regardless of your good intentions, what you say can make the issue worse. At other times, you might say the exact thing that helps the person go from boiling mad to cool as a cucumber. Here are some phrases that can help make sure you’re heard:

• “Here’s what I’m thinking.”
• “My perspective is based on the following assumptions . . .”
• “I came to this conclusion because . . .”
• “I’d love to hear your reaction to what I just said.”
• “Do you see any flaws in my reasoning?”
• “Do you see the situation differently?”

There are some basic rules, such as avoiding name-calling and finger-pointing, you can follow to keep from pushing your counterpart’s buttons.

Your language should be “simple, clear, direct, and neutral,” says Holly Weeks, author of Failure to Communicate. Don’t apologize for your feelings, either. The worst thing you can do “is to ask your counterpart to have sympathy for you,” she says. Don’t say things like “I feel so bad about saying this” or “This is really hard for me to do,” because it takes the focus away from the problem and toward your own neediness. While it can be hard, this language can make your counterpart feel obligated to focus on making you feel better before moving on.

Liane Davey, author of You First: Inspire Your Team to Grow Up, Get Along, and Get Stuff Done, provides two additional rules when it comes to what you say:

• Say “and,” not “but.” “When you need to disagree with someone, express your contrary opinion as ‘and.’ It’s not necessary for someone else to be wrong for you to be right,” Davey says. When you’re surprised to hear something your counterpart has said, don’t interject with a “But that’s not right!” Just add your perspective. Davey suggests something like this: “You think we need to leave room in the budget for a customer event, and I’m concerned that we need that money for employee training. What are our options?” With your partner, this might sound like “You feel like the current schedule works well for the family, and I feel like too much of the extra housework is falling to me. Can we come up with some alternatives that will feel equitable to both of us?” This engages your counterpart in problem-solving, which is inherently collaborative instead of combative.
• Use hypotheticals. Being contradicted doesn’t feel very good, so don’t try to counter each of your counterpart’s arguments. Instead, says Davey, use hypothetical situations that encourage them to be creative about alternative solutions. “Imagining is the opposite of defending, so it gets the brain out of a rut,” she says. She offers this example: “I hear your concern about getting the right salespeople to pull off this campaign. If we could get the right people . . . what could the campaign look like?” This works outside of work—even with toddlers. “I know you don’t want to get dressed for day care right now. Imagine if I could wave a wand and your pajamas would magically change into your school clothes.”

Watch Your Body Language

A lot of people unconsciously convey nonverbal messages. Are you slumping your shoulders? Rolling your eyes? Fidgeting with your pen? During your conversation, pay attention to your facial expression, arms, legs, and entire body, and take stock of the overall impression you’re giving.

Do the same for your counterpart. If their nonverbal cues are sending a different message than what they’re articulating, ask about it. For example, you might say, “I hear you saying that you’re fine with this approach, but it looks as if maybe you still have some concerns. Is that right? Should we talk those through?”

Change the Tenor of the Conversation

Sometimes, despite your best intentions and all of the time you put into preparing for the conversation, things veer off course. You can’t demand that your counterpart hold the discussion exactly the way you want.

If things get heated, don’t panic. Take a deep breath, mentally pop out of the conversation as if you’re a fly on the wall, and objectively look at what’s happening. You might even describe to yourself (in your head) what’s happening: “They keep returning to the fact that I made a mistake.” “When I try to move the conversation away from what’s gone wrong to what we can do going forward, they keep shifting it back.” Then state what you’re observing in a calm tone. “It looks as if whenever the sales numbers come up, you raise your voice.” Suggest a different approach: “If we put our heads together, we could probably come up with a way to move past this. Do you have any ideas?”

If it seems as if you’ve entered into a power struggle in which you’re no longer discussing the substance of your conflict but battling over who is right, step back and either try one of the phrases or questions from the “Pay attention to your words” section or talk about what’s not working. Say, “We seem to be getting locked into our positions. Can we go back to what we’re trying to accomplish and see if we can brainstorm together some new ideas that might satisfy both of us?” Here are some other phrases that help move the conversation along productively:

• “You may be right, and I’d like to understand more.”
• “I have a completely different perspective, and at the same time, you clearly think this is unfair, so how can we fix this?”
• “I’m not sure how this connects to what we’ve been talking about. Can you help me make the connection?”
• “I’d like to give my reaction to what you’ve said so far and see what you think.”
• “This may be more my perception than yours, but when you said X, I felt . . .”
• “Is there anything I can say or do that might convince you to consider other options here?”

You can’t force your counterpart to appreciate, understand, or even just hear your perspective. But using the tactics above increases the chances. Getting your point across, coupled with hearing out the other person, is a necessity if you want to reach a resolution.

Adapted from content posted on hbr.org, November 9, 2015 (product #H02H89).