CHAPTER 6: TIPS FOR MENTAL WELL-BEING

The power of the mind

Resilient people have been shown to have good mental health and an internal ‘locus of control’. They believe that events in life (good and bad) are largely caused by controllable factors like attitude, preparation and hard work, and hold themselves accountable for making changes. In this chapter, I provide tips and tools to encourage the development of a positive mental outlook. I also signpost sources of help if you or your team are suffering from poor mental health.

Positive thinking

To act positively, we need to first think that way. Often our ability to be proactive is prohibited by our limiting beliefs – “I can’t…”; “I mustn’t…”; “I should…”.

If the ‘self-talk’ in our head is negative, it can affect our ability to face adversity and bounce back.

Use the activity below to identify the negative beliefs and/or thoughts going on in your head, before turning them into something positive and productive.

Table 10: Activity

What negative beliefs do you hold about yourself?
What are you telling yourself in your head?
How do these beliefs make you feel? Who/where are those thoughts coming from?
What evidence do you have that this is true about you?
E.g. “I can’t express my concerns to my boss”, “I’m not worth bothering about.” E.g. “Anxious, fearful.” E.g. “Being teased at school”, “Being overlooked for promotion at work.”

 

 

 

What do you need to believe and tell yourself to make you feel and act positively?
E.g. “I can talk openly about my issues to my boss”, “My concerns are valid and worthwhile.”

 

Other ways to increase your ability to think positively are:

Be more conscious of your self-talk throughout the day. What are you telling yourself – is it positive or negative?

Practise positive self-talk. Don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to someone else.

Develop your assertiveness skills to help you communicate your needs, wants and expectations.

Avoid negative people. Start conversations with people who are positive, as positivity rubs off.

Watch a comedy film, read a funny book or share a joke. Laugh more often. Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemical, which decreases stress.

Recognise your strengths

If you don’t believe in yourself, it’s difficult to get other people to believe in you. People who are resilient recognise their own achievements; they can draw on their strengths when times are challenging.

Make a list of your achievements and things you are proud of. Keep a success diary on your calendar so that at the end of each day you can list what has gone well and what you are pleased about. Focusing on positives helps make us more optimistic about life.

Answer the following questions:

What is the best thing about you?

What do you like most about yourself?

What do you enjoy doing most?

What brings out your best?

What is your most significant achievement?

What makes you feel you are being who you really are?

What are you most looking forward to in the future?

How can your strengths help you in the future?

Circles of influence and control

Management guru Stephen Covey says: “Resilient people spend time expanding their circle of influence, instead of becoming trapped in their circle of concern.” In his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People7, Covey introduces the concept of circles of concern, influence and control. He explains resilient people spend their time and energy focusing on situations and events that they have control over and do not spend time worrying about things that they cannot change or control.

The circle of concern is the area that we have no control over.

The circle of influence is the area that we have influence over.

The circle of control is the area we have direct control over.

The circle of concern is where we tend to focus, but it depletes our energy as we have no control over events in this area. We can only react. For example, we can’t control the economy or an organisational restructure. The energy focused on the circle of concern is negative.

Proactive people focus on the circles of influence and control. The circle of control is the area we have control over and where we can act in a positive manner. For example, we can control what and when we eat or how we respond to an email. The circle of influence represents things outside our direct control but over which you have influence. For example, you may be able to influence your manager about an upcoming decision at work or your partner about the choice of restaurant.

Figure 3: Circles of concern, influence and control

If you focus on the circle of concern and neglect the circles of influence and control, eventually these two circles will get smaller. This will add to feelings of stress and helplessness because you cannot change anything in the circle of concern. You become a victim of circumstance rather than a survivor.

When you act on your circle of influence and within your circle of control, you can reduce stress levels and increase happiness, because you can initiate and influence change.

Figure 4: Positive energy

Figure 5: Negative energy

Taking control

This next activity aims to help you identify when you are feeling overwhelmed, where you can be more in control.

Step 1:

Make a list of things on your mind right now – what you are thinking about, worrying about, working on?

What I’m anxious about today is …

Step 2:

Draw three circles:

1.Areas I can control

2.Areas I can influence

3.Areas of concern

Work through each item on your list and decide if it is something you can control or influence. If it is, put it in the appropriate circle. If it’s not, put it in your circle of concern.

Step 3:

Now look at the areas you can control. Identify what actions you can take to focus your energy and effort in a proactive way.

One thing I can do in a proactive way is …

How I can prepare for this is …

Next, look at the areas that you can influence and identify what you can proactively do and prepare.

Step 4:

Draw on your positive resources. Write down the answer to the statement:

The resources I have to help me take these actions are ….

This activity helped me personally at a time when I was under a lot of pressure at work and a close relative was very ill in hospital. I felt paralysed with worry. The exercise helped me to establish what I could proactively control and influence and helped me feel less overwhelmed.

Self-coaching questions

If you are struggling with a specific concern or worry, the following self-coaching activity can help. Answering the questions will give you insights into how to overcome your problem.

There are no right or wrong answers. If you can’t answer a question, skip to the next one. Or ask yourself: What question should I be asking myself here?

The purpose of the exercise is to help you reflect on potential strategies to overcome the concern or worry and to identify action(s) to help you going forward.

Aim

What would you like to achieve? (Make sure your goal is achievable. If not, break it down into achievable objectives.)

Specifically, what would you like to be different?

By when do you want to see a change? (Ensure this is a realistic time frame.)

Situation

What is happening right now?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much of an issue is it?

How is it impacting you? In what ways?

Who else is involved and what is their opinion of the situation?

What else is relevant?

Experience

What have you already tried to tackle the issue?

What experience do you have of similar situations and how have you tackled them in the past?

What lessons have you learned about navigating tough times?

What have you seen others do in similar situations?

Strengths

What strengths do you have to help you overcome the problem?

What qualities do others admire in you that you could use?

Resources

Who or what can you turn to for guidance and support?

What or who can inspire or nourish you?

Options

What strategies could you adopt to tackle the situation?

What other ideas and perspectives are there?

If you were being the best you could be, what would your instinct tell you to do?

What other ideas can you brainstorm, no matter how silly?

The way forward

What different perspectives have you gained from this exercise?

What specific actions can you now take?

When and how will you take them?

Who do you need to inform and when will you do this?

What support do you need?

How and when will you get that support?

For the last two stages, I suggest writing down your answers. Writing helps you clear your mind and process your emotions.

Breathing techniques

In addition to the ‘thinking’ exercises listed above, another method of calming the mind is deep breathing. This is a mindful practice that helps reduce stress, slow the heartbeat and reduce blood pressure. Here are three techniques to try:

Tibetan yoga breathing:

Sit comfortably with your spine tall (use a cushion or chair if necessary). Connect with your breath and slow down your breathing. Raise your right arm up as you inhale through both nostrils. As you exhale, block the right nostril and breathe out through the left. On your next inhale, raise your left arm up and when you exhale block the left nostril and breathe out through the right nostril (this completes a full round).

Continue like this for 6–12 rounds.

Deep breathing:

Put your hands on your stomach, fingers spread and just touching. Breathe deeply. If your breath is coming from your diaphragm, you are likely to see your fingers move apart as your breath goes in and out. Breathe deeply for five inhales and exhales.

4/4/4 breath:

Breathe in for a count of four, hold for a count of four and exhale for a count of four.

Repeat for four deep breaths.

Meditation

Meditation is a proven way of stilling the body and the mind. It can be useful in our busy lives. You can practice meditation for as little as five minutes a day and you can do it anywhere. If you’re not sure how or where to start, there are apps that can guide you. There are many types of meditation. For example, mindfulness – the awareness of ‘something’ – is a form of meditation. There are many good books8 and apps9 on the topic.

To learn meditation, you can train face to face or online. Like any habit, meditation takes practice, so don’t be put off if you don’t see instant success. It typically takes around eight weeks of mindfulness-based interventions to be able to meditate effectively and feel the benefits.

Meditation exercises are designed to heighten awareness and appreciation of simple daily tasks and the results they achieve.

Here are two examples of meditation activities:

1. Everyday action

Think of an everyday action that you take for granted, for example opening a door or starting your laptop. Stop for a moment and consider the action: where you are, what you are about to do, how you feel. What thoughts does this prompt in you? What are you aware of?

Instead of going through daily motions on autopilot, take moments to stop and cultivate purposeful awareness of what you are doing and appreciate what these actions bring to your life.

2. Everyday things

The point of this exercise is to simply appreciate the seemingly insignificant things in life, the things that support our existence but rarely get a second thought amidst our desire for bigger and better things. For example, electricity powers your kettle, the tap provides you with water, your clothes provide warmth.

Identify two things that are insignificant in your life. Consider:

Have you ever stopped to notice their finer, more intricate details?

Do you know how these things really work?

Have you ever thought about what life might be like without these things?

Have you ever sat down and thought about the relationships between these things?

Find out everything you can about their creation and purpose to truly appreciate the ways in which they support your life.

Be aware when resilience is not helpful

There may be situations at work when individuals believe they should be resilient and cope with a situation, regardless of what it is. This can lead to a feeling of being mentally ‘weak’ if you cannot cope. If you are working in a toxic work environment, it is important that you speak out and seek advice and support. For example, you can consult your HR department or refer to your organisation’s freedom to speak up and whistleblowing policies.

Supporting our mental health

The COVID-19 pandemic, increased isolation and uncertainty have led to a rise in incidents of poor mental health. If you are suffering from a decline in mental well-being, it is important that you seek professional help.

Charities such as Mind UK offer information and support.10 Your employer may also have an employee assistance scheme. I also provide a list of additional resources for help and support in the acknowledgement page of this book.

Reflection and action points from this chapter

Our mental well-being is precious. Thinking clearly helps us to be calm and proactive under pressure.

The techniques in this chapter are proven to help you boost positivity and to feel more in control. Take time to consider which activities would be useful to you and your team.

 

7 The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen R. Covey, Free Press, New York, 2004.

8 Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Finding Peace in a Frantic World, Mark Williams and Dr Danny Penman, Little, Brown Book Group, London, 2011.

9 Headspace meditation app: www.headspace.com/headspace-meditation-app.

10 www.mind.org.uk/information-support.

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