Jeanette had little idea of what was ahead of her when she agreed to help design a community college course on product life cycle management. In her late fifties and a small business owner, Jeanette had significant expertise in product life cycles, lean manufacturing processes, and instructional design. As she began work on the project, she discovered that she was in brand new territory—in several ways. The audience for the course was a group she had never designed for: technicians who repair and maintain things made of composite materials, for example, boats and airplanes. In fact, Jeanette had never even heard of composite materials. In addition, the course would be taught online, and she had never before developed an online course. And she had never met the man she was to collaborate with, who lived ninety miles away; this meant that most of their work would be done at a distance rather than face to face. Again—not what she was used to.
From March through May, Jeanette worked closely with her new colleague, Ed, relying on phone, the Internet, and shared software that enabled them to see and work on the same documents on their respective computers. In fact, in the three intense months of their work, they probably spent less than ten hours together in the same location; typically that would happen when they met with Mary Kay, the program administrator at the college. Jeanette quickly saw that Ed was an effective team player; they both found ways to contribute their different expertise: "I looked at how to introduce this material, then provided content on lean manufacturing and Six Sigma. Ed looked at it as an engineer, bringing computer-assisted design skills and other tools."
From Jeanette's view, this was an important project and very motivating. It was a chance "to help create a wonderful product for the students that they could take anywhere in the world." Commenting on the trio they formed with Mary Kay, she observed that "the right people got pulled in with the right skills at the right time. Each came with their own strengths and we complemented each other." In addition to their different backgrounds, they had very different styles of working and communicating. Such differences, which could have been challenging, were not—thanks to their well-developed people-skills, genuine respect for one another's skill sets, and joint commitment to the project and its deadlines.
Working on the project every day, Jeanette and Ed developed a plan of what needed to be done and who would take the lead on which portion of the work. Then came their individual work: Ed focusing on the computer-assisted design components, Jeanette concentrating on the more conceptual content. They'd talk on the phone and work online, showing each other their individual work and asking, "Does this work for you?" Back and forth, making their way through the design, deciding important issues together, serving as sounding-boards for each other, and figuring out what needed to be done next and who would do it. Then following through. Looking back, Jeanette says "I suppose we had some 'storming' with each other, but I can't remember it. Maybe we just didn't have the time for that."
When reflecting on the transformative impact of this project, she was easily able to see that "It helped my self esteem. This was very life affirming. It reminded me that 'I can do this!' " She added, "It's very easy to start feeling useless in your late fifties. Thanks to this project, I feel more confident. It's expanded my personal and professional network. And learning the new hybrid technology for instructional design was wonderful. I learned I want to stay on top of technology and not lose my skills! This was a synergistic breakthrough for me."
Stories like Jeanette's reflect the fact that the whole panoply of human interaction—starting with two individuals and expanding outward to a group, an organization, a society, a state, a world—is a fractal-like edifice built upon the single and significant individual. As a maple leaf offers the outlines of the maple tree, so the individual offers the outlines of the group, and the group of the organization, and so on. The individual is always there, embedded in more and more complex dynamics. This truth has profound implications for groups and for our model. Strong groups grow from strong individuals, and that is what this chapter focuses on: the core strength of an individual that comes from self-Acceptance and the drive to develop one's Potential.
As the Group Needs model shows, Acceptance and Potential are two parts of the Self loop. The most personal of the six Group Needs, we humans work to satisfy them whether we are in a group or not. They pertain to the universal self—elements that each of us knows internally and privately. Taken together they help us be strong. Because they are so personal, we'd like to write about them, at least briefly, in the first person—from the "I" position. Consider reading the next few paragraphs out loud so that you can hear these words more personally, as statements about yourself. As you take in our thoughts, consider whether our statements are true for you and how they are reflected in Jeanette's story.
Acceptance is about my strengths and weaknesses and my ability to observe myself. At a deeper level, this is about my identity, knowing who I am and embracing myself as I am. This need continues throughout my life and is regularly challenged by new circumstances. When I am more accepting of who I am, I move from my center with more confidence into the future. Paired with the need for Acceptance is the need to experience Potential. My Potential is the "me" I long to become and my willingness to reshape myself toward that vision. The need to do so stems from my internal knowledge that I could be different, I could be more. But how? This growing of myself requires internal searching, risking, and acting to test my learning self out in the world.
Because strong groups grow from strong individuals, Acceptance and Potential are also powerful Group Needs; they influence the way in which we Bond with others around a group Purpose so that we can take in the Reality of our group's circumstances in order to collectively make an Impact.
Picture an individual alone, not engaged in a group at the moment. That person's first need is to accept himself by knowing and appreciating himself for who he is. This need is reflected in three statements:
I know who I am and what I bring, strengths and limitations
I can express who I am to myself and others
I accept myself for who I am right now
Of course, that person has more Group Needs—needs we will explore in coming chapters—but for the moment we are focused on a core need that provides the foundation for others to come. Self-Acceptance is the basis for confidence and personal power. When an individual knows his starting point, he can better travel the road ahead. As we elaborate on these three statements, notice how they fit with you and your personal needs and how they surfaced in Jeanette's story.
Underlying our success in some groups, undermining our success in others, is our knowledge of ourselves. And the accuracy of it. The résumé information is one thing; talents are another. Yes, it's hard to know what you bring to the party if you've never been to this party before—but that's exactly what you are called upon to do. For your own sake, you need to know what you are pretty good at, not so good at, and outstandingly good at! Knowing who you are gives you a starting position for your engagement with others. Self-knowledge is the first step toward self-Acceptance and expression.
When you join a group, you need enough clarity about yourself so that you can speak about yourself to others. The more clarity you have, the more articulate you are likely to be. The process of getting to know yourself—and learning to express who you are—comes from the capacity to be self-reflective. Personal reflections cause you to step back from yourself and become aware of what you are thinking, feeling, and doing. These awareness-building observations often translate into self-talk—internal reflections and messages that, for some, can take on a conversational quality. It is much easier to be articulate about yourself to others if you have given yourself the gift of self-reflection, self-observation, or self-talk that is both positive and accurate.
Self-Acceptance goes beyond just knowing and expressing yourself; it also includes being comfortable in doing so. An ease with yourself in the present is one reflection of Acceptance. Not who you might be in the future—but comfort in and appreciation of who you really are right now. For many of us, that is a recurring challenge: to embrace our whole selves: talents, style, warts, strengths, blemishes, weaknesses—the whole works—right now. Personal growth sprouts more readily in the soil of self-Acceptance than on the rocks of self-condemnation. Many of us have made it a long way on self-criticism, but that is an overused strategy; it should yield to a more positive, self-affirming alternative. Often, what we cannot accept in ourselves, we cannot accept in others. The ability to accept ourselves leads to our ability to accept others.
The success of your work in groups is highly dependent on the work you have done within yourself. For example, take full engagement, which we discussed in Chapter Two. That wonderful ability to be fully present in a group, bringing ideas, questions, and opinions—to speak without hesitation. Where does that behavior come from? In large part, from being able to affirm the three statements above. Those self-aware statements give individuals the confidence to speak and to listen. Test those statements on yourself. And test the opposite. Most of us know also know the times when we could not affirm those three statements, when we felt lost, less able to express or accept who we were in the moment. These heavy negative feelings offer sad confirmation that something important is missing, that our longing to be ourselves is not being met.
In describing the need to accept oneself, we dropped a few clues about the second personal and Group Need, realizing one's Potential. Three statements combine to express that second need.
I sense that I could be more
I am drawn to the possibilities
I want to learn and grow
Continue to think about Jeanette—and yourself—as you read more about these statements.
You watch your life unfold. You cannot help but compare today to yesterday, noting what happened and what allowed it to be. As you learn from your recent history, you also imagine tomorrow. You know that you can influence the future and sense your potential to do so. You know you do not have to be today what you have always been, that you are far from finished, that you could be more tomorrow than you are today.
Like most others, you probably hunger for wholeness. You want to and lean toward becoming your very best self. You want to bring your Potential to life, to activate your better self in the world. Individuals vary in that motive, but we each know about that inclination within ourselves; we each decide how to act on it. Sometimes, busyness crowds out our view of the possibilities, but they are still there. This wonderful predisposition to move toward your Potential provides a key motivational force within transformed groups.
As a most vulnerable species, we have had to learn to survive. We humans have excelled at learning and have the cerebral cortex to prove it. In the more modern world, many of us have the freedom to look beyond survival and learn in areas that could help us thrive. Knowing who we are now and anticipating what we might become defines a space to be filled with learning. We must grow in order to move from who we are now to what we want to become. An open stance toward learning and a spirit of discovery will serve you well in a world that seems determined to distract you. If you want to create fantastic groups, know that most people long to discover more about themselves, to act on their possibilities, and to learn in service of their Potential.
This well of Potential has an unplumbed depth. From an early age, we declare what we want to be when we grow up. And we ask our children what they want to be. We ask adults the question less often as they grow into their work, but they hold the question within them. It does not take long over coffee or a beer to get most of us to speak to what we could be, our possibilities. And not just work possibilities, but life possibilities. Sometimes it's as concrete as a residence, a vacation, a position, or a degree; often it's as vague as a dream of contribution, making a difference, leaving a legacy. In all but the most discouraged, these aspirations suggest what could really motivate this person. These aspirations are the foundation of change. Whether we set about changing ourselves or our group or our world, the aspiration to become more will pull us forward. What a different motivational force this is than just fixing what's wrong! Potential is not about fixing; it is about fulfilling. And this is where we must go if we are to grow and involve others in growing.
Sense the creative dynamic between Acceptance and Potential within yourself. As you can see in the following table, these two needs inform each other. On the one side, you embrace who you are; on the other side, you reach out for more. The space between those two sides creates a dynamic that can aid your fulfillment—just as it did for Jeanette. She accepted the assignment to help create the new college course because she knew that her current capabilities would enable her to be up to the task. When she discovered that this experience would be filled with so many new elements, the clarity and confidence created by her self-Acceptance enabled her to move into the unknown as a learner. Through her partnership with Ed, she built new skills and mastered new content. The result was an enhanced self-esteem and excitement about what she is now prepared to bring to her next assignment.
Table 4.1. The Creative Dynamic of Acceptance and Potential
Acceptance: Knowing and Appreciating Myself for Who I Am. | The Creative Dynamic ↔ | Potential: Sensing and Growing into My Fuller/Better Self. |
|---|---|---|
I accept myself for who I am right now | ↔ | I sense that I could be more |
I know who I am and what I bring | ↔ | I am drawn to my possibilities |
I can express who I am to myself and others | ↔ | I want to learn and grow |
Embracing Acceptance and Potential simultaneously gives you a third view; you are stretched to consider, How do I do all of this at once? Present and future, Reality and possibility, yin and yang may be awakened within you. Living in the whole loop defined by these two paired Group Needs stirs you when you seek to fulfill both. Your motivation is larger than what comes from considering one side of the loop or the other. Words within this fertile space include knowledge, expression, acceptance, motivation, potential, anticipation, comfort, learning, risk, power, clarity, excitement—words that fit with our interviews with members of extraordinary groups.
Think about professional sports teams playing to win within the boundaries of its game. As spectators, we see from their struggle that this game is important. After the game, ask individuals why they play and you will hear an array of responses that point to important motivations that lie below the surface: loving the game, being paid big bucks, gaining recognition, serving God, achieving fairness and equality, being a model for kids, providing for family, having fun, using a unique talent, loving to win, achieving personal best. These various motives emerge when individual players go through the thinking discussed in this chapter. When each player knows who she is and what she wants, each can more powerfully join with the other members to form a team—and be ready to fulfill the team's purpose: winning the game. Without the individual clarity that comes from the interplay between Acceptance and Potential, the team will struggle to find its center. And so it is with the rest of us too. Know who you are, what you bring, and what you aspire to. This awareness empowers you and you will empower your group.
Because self-Acceptance and Potential are uniquely personal among the six Group Needs, our guidance is focused on you and you alone. Other loops of the model, in the next two chapters, will help you think about yourself in relation to your groups and the world. But here, we consider you as an individual to build the awareness and strength you bring to your groups. Four suggestions focus on your self-Acceptance and Potential:
The remainder of this chapter builds on these suggestions with questions that ask you to reflect on the ideas we've presented. Those questions are followed by sample actions—perhaps useful as you prepare yourself to be an even more effective person and group member. You will find us using this same pattern in most of the remaining chapters: content followed by questions for you and actions for you with your group. And if you want to learn even more, turn to Appendix A; you'll find exercises that build nicely on this chapter and the next two.
Now move ahead with this chapter with a journal in hand. Reflect on yourself as you read, take a few notes, and consider possible actions that acknowledge where you are today (Acceptance) and move you toward where you would like to be tomorrow (Potential).
In the ebb and flow of good times and harder times, our experience in groups provides us with the regular and constant opportunity to reflect on ourselves, to accept who we have become so far, and to discover our Potential.
Use the Group Needs model to more deeply understand yourself and how you engage with groups of friends, coworkers, neighbors, and family members. This internal work begins before you show up with the group. You do not have to wait until the next meeting to discover more about yourself. The upcoming questions relate to your need to know yourself as you are now and how you might be within your Potential. Answer them and your needs will move into sharper focus:
How would you describe yourself in twenty-five words or less?
How would others describe you?
How much do you prefer working with others versus working alone?
What are the advantages to you of the ways you prefer to work?
When you think about your future, how is it similar to or different from what you are doing today?
Where do you get your inspiration? Where does it lead you?
Notice how easy or difficult it was to answer these questions. Your readiness to answer suggests something about how alive these questions are in your life. Quick, lengthy, deep responses suggest the questions are more alive for you, that you are more aware of who you are and what you want to become. If the questions lead you to unfamiliar ground and your responses are slower in coming, perhaps that indicates a fruitful place for your continuing reflection. The crux of the Self loop of our model is that self-awareness leads to personal power, and in our minds, awareness includes the ability to express your observations of yourself. Your personal Group Needs of Acceptance and Potential stand behind each of these questions and your answers.
Here you'll find a set of suggestions for actions you can take to learn more about yourself and your Potential.
Think about the qualities you bring to groups. Don't think about this deeply; answer off the top of your head—much as you might if a friend were to ask you. Write down your main thoughts. Consider how well these thoughts represent you, and your comfort with your answers.
Reflect on one group that is particularly important to you. Make notes to yourself on these questions: What have you learned from participating in this group? How has this learning been important for you? Of the six Group Needs, which does this group meet for you? Which of your Group Needs are regularly frustrated in this group?
After reviewing the explanation of the Self loop early in this chapter, note what you could do to better meet your Group Needs of Acceptance and Potential in the group you just wrote about. Write actions you might take.
We are all works in progress, with flairs and flaws, strengths and limitations. Others can help us become more accepting of ourselves when they acknowledge our contributions. But let's face it, many of us are regularly frustrated in our accomplishments and are critical of ourselves as a result. Those frustrations are so widely felt as to suggest they are a natural part of life. When we live with this as a life truth, it suggests that we might be well served by being more accepting and less critical of ourselves. That in turn will lead to us being more accepting of others. We cannot appreciate in others what we are critical of in ourselves. These thoughts are central to the following questions and actions.
Knowing yourself is empowering; these questions lead to answers that strengthen you.
What do you regularly appreciate about yourself? What characteristics? Talents? Idiosyncrasies?
What do you regularly have a hard time accepting in yourself?
How could you be more accepting of yourself as you are right now?
How do your views on yourself affect your views of others? Cite examples.
What are your thought patterns about others—in terms of your appreciation or criticism—while working with others in groups?
What could you better appreciate about yourself that might lead to appreciation of others?
These actions are especially valuable when attended to over time. Expect long-term results to come through that regular attention.
Practice deeper appreciation of yourself. Make a list of what is wonderful about you. Notice how you feel about that one-sided list. Feelings of embarrassment or unworthiness suggest you have more work to do.
Note something about yourself that you routinely do not appreciate. Now, ask yourself how that behavior or characteristic serves you well in your life. There must be some reasons that you keep doing this.
Engage a friend in talking about an aspect of your own behavior or personality that you regularly have difficulty with. Ask your friend how he or she lives with this quality of yours—and how you might.
When someone you know is deeply critical of himself in a way that negatively affects him, help him move toward a recognition of this as a common human condition and Acceptance of who he is right now—flaws and all. Do this by expressing your appreciation for the fine qualities he brings to your group, empathizing with him about the challenge of dealing with personal flaws, and recalling similar struggles with Acceptance in your own life.
Our interviews show that in extraordinary groups, people are respected as individuals and for their knowledge and skills. When they apply their talents to group Purpose, others value them and their strengths. This emphasis on strengths rather than flaws fuels a motivating climate of respect and appreciation. This positive mind-set encourages people to accept themselves, warts and all. Acceptance in the group is rooted in self-Acceptance by each individual.
Look into yourself for qualities that are important to you but seldom get expression.
What talents do you regularly bring to your groups?
How might you better bring your full self to those groups?
How can you help others you work with recognize and utilize the talent you bring?
What talents are you withholding that you truly believe would be useful?
What could you do to gain greater Acceptance of your shortcomings along with your talents?
To actively apply your strengths in one of your groups, you may need to let people know directly about your talents, knowledge or skills. You can also use your interactions with group members as a way to gain greater insight about your strengths.
More frequently express what you can or would like to contribute. Do so with the spirit of making an offer rather than bragging.
Think, speak, and act more in terms of how you can help, not how you cannot.
When you are not getting the appreciation you need, ask for some feedback on what you have contributed and its impact.
Ask others what they value that you contribute to groups. And ask what else you might do.
Ask others which of your behaviors might detract from your own or group performance. Make a point of understanding them fully.
Early humans learned to adapt to survive, and we continue to do so today. We must learn in order to live our lives at a basic level. And we must learn in order to be fully alive and thrive: engaged, curious, imaginative, creative, risk-taking—and yet practical and grounded in Reality. We know from our sixty interviews about extraordinary groups that learning is pervasive. What is exciting to the group is rooted in the individual. With that in mind, the following questions and actions pursue your excitement.
At some level for all of us, work and life are joined—as these questions suggest. When you think of "work" include what you do in your volunteer life.
What kinds of questions about work and life do you find yourself regularly intrigued by? Why?
Who do you like to talk with about your questions? What do you find rewarding about those discussions?
What kind of work do you like to do—to the point you would almost do it even if you were not paid?
If you had the time and money to learn something brand new to you, what would it be?
What is your reaction to the line of questioning we are pursuing here? Why?
Each of these questions attempts to move you beyond your regular experience in the direction of what your life might be if you learned more. The intent is not to create a plan as much as to become more aware of what excites you about learning and the directions your learning and your life might take, given the option.
Practice seeing your work through the lens of your life—as these actions suggest.
Describe a time in your life when you were excited about learning. Describe the circumstances that surrounded that great experience, all that allowed it to happen. Consider how that time compares to your present life and work, and what you could do about it.
Make an intentionally ambitious, even unrealistic, list of what you would like to learn more about in your work, your community, your life.
Volunteer for action that uses your existing skills and stretches you to learn new ones.
Develop a plan for personal growth, including the steps you will take. Seek help from others along the way. Report to them on what you are doing.
In one of your groups, express what you want to learn and why this is important to you.
This completes our exploration of Acceptance and Potential. We hope that our suggestions for questions to reflect upon and actions to take have given you some increased sense of your current and future self. Chapter Five moves you from the Self loop of our model into the Group loop and the needs for Bond and Purpose.