Choosing Your Best Outlook for Action
Intention determines outcome.
—Oprah Winfrey
Those who have fought in combat understand the phrase, “the fog of war.” In the days of black powder muskets, the ignition of the powder created a blanket of smoke. A shooter wouldn’t know if he would hit his intended target until the smoke cleared.
Likewise, when your Outlook is obscured by your biases and threats, you can scarcely see your target, much less hit it each time. Self-awareness and mindfulness help you clear the fog and regain composure when threatened.
With the skills you have already gained, your everyday life will run more smoothly. But without bringing intentionality and clarity about your goals, you still may not land on the other side of your MTM with the best outcome.
Back to the sailing analogy, even skills to manage the sail would not magically land a crew at their destination. They would also need to know their destination (goal) and how to get there (intention) to SOAR.
Begin with the End in Mind
“Which road do I take?” (Alice)
“Where do you want to go?” (Cheshire Cat)
“I don’t know,” Alice answered.
“Then, said the cat, it doesn’t matter.”
“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.”
—Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
This chapter will help you make final calibrations to your Outlook before engaging in Action on your MTM—by defining your goals and intentions.
The Difference between Goals and Intentions
People tend to understand the necessity of setting goals, which is why many books are written on the topic, and almost every performance management or appraisal process has goals as the centerpiece.
But, in our experience, very few distinguish between goals and intentions. This is a lost opportunity, because intentions are critical to your outcome. What is the difference?
• Goals focus on a time in the distant future like three months, one year, three years, and so forth. They are your North Star and define the desired destination. They dictate how you invest your time, resources, and energy in your days, weeks, months, and years.
• On the other hand, intentions focus on the moment, defining the what and how you aspire to be in your MTMs. Intentions should align with your best long-term results and relationship goals, but intentions are more immediate and specific to the situation.
Goals versus Intentions
Goals are easy to understand, and each of us has probably set several for ourselves that look something like this:
• Lose 20 pounds by November (for too many of us, this goal remains unchanged…and unreached).
• Finish writing the book by July.
• Plan family vacation to Wales at the end of the year.
• Finish landscaping the backyard before spring.
Intentions are a different animal, because the challenge of meeting your intentions, especially in your MTMs, often bump into your negative emotions. Whereas you strive to obtain your goals throughout the ups and downs of an extended period of time, intentions can more easily be knocked off course by negative emotions, threat, loss, frustration, or anger. This can allow your intentions to be misaligned with your long-term goals for the MTM.
Your goals and intentions comprise what Matters Most. They include where you are going and how you will act along the way.
The sailing crew had a goal to sail to the Bahamas. But when confronted by bad weather and a nervous crew, how would they intentionally get there?
Intentions focus on how you will act—but they also can include specifics of what you will do to stay aligned to your goal. Take a moment to clarify your best intention before walking into your MTM. Here are some specific intentions you might set along with situations where they might occur:
• Offer unconditional love at my family gathering next week, even toward family members with whom I have had arguments in the past.
• Demonstrate empathy and love to my daughter throughout the conversation about a series of poor choices she has made recently.
• Remain flexible and agile when working with a new coworker on our shared project.
• Provide the best possible parenting to my children, even with a spouse or ex who triggers me or disagrees with many of my approaches.
• Accept the new position I have been offered, try my best to be successful, and intend on learning something new every day along the way.
Think of a goal like a marathon. Slow and steady wins the race (or at least allows you to finish it without burning out). Intentions are like the plan you have for how to run the race—harnessing your focus and energy throughout to keep a solid, steady pace until your relatively short burst of a sprint as you cross the finish line.
The good news about setting both goals and intentions is that you have the power to deliberately carry them into Action.
Relationships versus Results: Choosing Your Best MTM Goal and Intention
It is often tricky to balance both the relationship and the result aspects of our MTMs. See Figure 7.1, illustrating the balance that often hinges around a fulcrum point.
Figure 7.1 Balance results and relationships
In his book, Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect, Matthew Lieberman shares that our brains use different networks for handling analytical versus social thinking, making it difficult to be simultaneously good at interacting with people and analyzing data. Even though thinking analytically and socially does not feel different, our brains have different networks for handling these two ways of thinking. These two networks function as a neural seesaw. Lieberman says, “In countless neuroimaging studies, the more one of these networks got more active, the more the other one got quieter” (Lieberman 2015).
Have you ever been deep in task when someone interrupts you with a question, snapping you out of your zone? (If not, the authors invite you to join them any day when they are working from home!) In those moments, you are forced to go from 60 to zero instantly so you can go off on a tangent in a different direction. If you are human, you might get snippy. It is not because you are a bad or impatient person. Rather, it’s because you are challenged to balance your relationship with the person interrupting you and the results you were in the middle of achieving.
In other words, when you focus on the results, it’s easy to ignore relational aspects of your MTM; when you focus on the relational, it’s easy to ignore the results aspects of your MTM. This is problematic, because your MTMs have both results and relational components that must be met. Remember, MTMs are situations that are:
• Important (the outcome matters to your well-being or success)
• Complex (there is no simple solution)
• Relational (the situation involves at least one other person)
This is why you need to make sure your MTM goals and intentions address the desired outcomes for both the result and relationship. In the case of the sailing crew, they wanted to get to the island safely (result), but they also wanted to have fun, bond, and learn something about sailing (relationship).
Tony: A Van Trip
To understand how this neural seesaw plays out in my life, I think back to when I was trying to get all three of my children into the minivan while running late for some important event. After a couple of gentle reminders that did not seem to be effective at conveying my strong desire not to be late, it is amazing how quickly my relational skills were thrown by the wayside. I believe some of the animated threats I have used to get my kids in the minivan have included “grounding them from their phones until they graduate college” or “never being able to play with their friends again.” The threat of us being late hijacked my actions, and I abandoned any intention to maintain or grow positive relationships with the people I love most in this world.
Let us practice. Think about an MTM where you need to do something in the near future to move it forward (feel free to refer back to the examples you listed in Chapter 1). Now answer the following questions about your MTM:
1. What are your long-term results and relationship goals for this situation?
2. Based on the response to the previous question, what are your best “in the moment” intentions for your upcoming interactions to improve or advance this MTM?
Aligning your “in the moment” intentions to your MTM goals allows you to:
• Focus on who you are in the most important moments
• Recognize and live your values
• Create a reminder for how you want to live each day
• Live in harmony with your larger purpose in challenging and important times
• See things you may have otherwise missed
By aligning your “in the moment” intentions with your longer-term goals, you bring thoughtful Action. Acknowledging your intentions and goals before your MTM shifts focus off your barriers, perceived limitations, or threats and spotlights what you hope to achieve. Defining your goal and naming your best intention can completely flip how you see an MTM, impacting the Actions you choose.
Scott: Unconditional Positive Regard
My college professor studied under Carl Rogers, a pioneer in psychology best known for the therapeutic concept of unconditional positive regard. My professor told me about walking across the University of Chicago campus with Rogers after the completion of a fall semester. A student approached Rogers and told him that he had received an A in the professor’s class. Then, the student launched into a tirade about how Rogers’ class was an easy A, the principles were overly simplistic, and the concept of unconditional positive regard was an utter crock!
Rogers, according to my professor, offered his hand to the student and said something along the lines of this: “It’s so refreshing to hear an honest opinion from a student. Thank you so much for your willingness to be open with me.”
Rogers chose to be intentional in that moment, to live according to his beliefs instead of any negative, emotional impulse. Doing so kept Rogers in harmony with his values and at peace with himself.
My professor, witnessing this unfold, told us, “My first reaction was to offer that student a foot instead of a hand,” which I dare say most us would have done in a similar situation!
You can live like Rogers, too, by setting your intentions.
Tony: Choosing My Best Outlook
Earlier, I shared an example of being invited to a networking event but feeling sucked in by negative emotions and fears. In social situations that called for me to highlight my expertise, I tended to use humor to selfdeprecate or change the focus—behaviors that would not serve me in networking. I realized this was an important challenge in my new business.
First, before saying no to the event, I paused. I did not respond out of insecurity by shutting the door that stood cracked open. That fear would prevent me from meeting new people and stepping forward in my next career phase (my goal).
Second, the morning before the event, I focused on my breathing before delving into my feelings. (I was raised in the South, where men were not encouraged to spend a whole lot of time analyzing their feelings, so this was not my natural tendency.) During my quiet time, I deliberately (mindfully) took a slow breath in through my nose and held it for a couple of seconds before exhaling slowly through my mouth. I deliberately breathed through several cycles, then did it again. I could feel myself becoming less anxious.
Third, I identified and named my feelings. I wrote them down, and they spilled out. My feelings (and ARC threats) included:
• Embarrassment and inferiority. Others may feel I am there to sell them something. Threat to my Relatedness.
• Anxiety. Now that I am not a vice president (VP) at a large organization, what value do I bring? Threat to my Competence and Relatedness.
• Dread. I don’t want to have to sell myself and my experience to strangers. Threat to my Relatedness and Autonomy.
• Frustration. I must put myself in these situations to be successful. Threat to my Autonomy.
Once I identified my ARC threats and labeled my emotions, I gained awareness and control of my emotions. These feelings did not entirely vanish, but they did lose their grip. I could then choose actions to represent my Best Self.
Finally, I named my best intention for this event. I wanted to build relationships and create opportunities for partnership and future work. This was accurate, yet felt entirely overwhelming when meeting new people. It also pressured me to sell and advocate for my value. Focusing on this intention was not helpful, and it triggered more negative emotions.
I tried again to find a best intention that was true but allowed me to engage in this MTM authentically (think of the types of activities that bring out Your Best Self). I came up with another: My best intention is to learn something and look for ways to help others. When I shifted away from a selfish intention of promoting myself to helping others, my feelings about this event changed. I no longer felt the pressure of selling myself or explaining my value for potential future gain. Instead I could simply try to learn something and listen for ways to help others, even if in a small way.
I am happy to report that I attended, and not one time did I feel like I was acting in a way that was inauthentic or threatening. I learned from the speaker. Check. I listened and helped one individual with applying the concepts. I also helped a gentleman by sharing the name of a local person to move something forward. Check. I accomplished my intention. I also enjoyed the event!
I left feeling much better about navigating these events authentically. By the way, I did get value from networking, as the host organization reached out for future conversations about partnering.
Naming your best intention helps you, in the storms of life, to stay aligned to Your Best Self, a place where you live your values and rest in satisfaction of focusing on what matters most.
Focusing on your intentions does not mean giving up your goals. By making certain that your intentions and goals are aligned, you can clear your view of the path ahead.
By now, you know enough about your Self and Outlook to move your MTM into Action. Read on to learn how to SOAR.
Outlook: Self-Assessment and Review
Now that you have finished reading the Outlook phase, read the following statements and assess your current proficiency using the following scale:
Table 7.1 Outlook: Self-assessment and review
5—Strongly agree |
||||||
4—Agree |
||||||
3—Neither agree nor disagree |
||||||
2—Disagree |
||||||
1—Strongly disagree |
||||||
1. |
I am aware of how my perception biases can distort how I see situations and people. |
5 |
4 |
3 |
2 |
1 |
2. |
I actively try to understand diverse worldviews. |
5 |
4 |
3 |
2 |
1 |
3. |
I try to understand others’ unique situations before making assessments about them. |
5 |
4 |
3 |
2 |
1 |
4. |
I am open to changing my conclusions if introduced to information that is inconsistent with my initial beliefs. |
5 |
4 |
3 |
2 |
1 |
5. |
I know what triggers my negative emotions. |
5 |
4 |
3 |
2 |
1 |
6. |
I am aware when my ARC (Autonomy, Relatedness, Competence) universal needs are threatened. |
5 |
4 |
3 |
2 |
1 |
7. |
I recognize how my negative feelings affect my behaviors. |
5 |
4 |
3 |
2 |
1 |
8. |
When feeling negative emotions, I always pause to gain balance before reacting. |
5 |
4 |
3 |
2 |
1 |
9. |
I regularly use my breathing to calm my emotions. |
5 |
4 |
3 |
2 |
1 |
10. |
I am aware of my emotions and can accurately describe my feelings. |
5 |
4 |
3 |
2 |
1 |
11. |
I stay true to my Best Self when engaging with my MTMs. |
5 |
4 |
3 |
2 |
1 |
Before moving on to the Action phase, consider making an action plan for any scores that fall lower than a 4. Scores at 3 or below represent where you are most vulnerable to getting it wrong in your MTMs.