Four Steps for Successful High-Stakes Conversations
Leadership is a way of thinking, a way of acting, and, most importantly, a way of communicating.
—Simon Sinek
Up to this point, we have laid out everything you need to get started. We have charted your course. Now it is time to build the Action of conducting an effective High-Stakes Conversation (HSC).
You’ve practiced your pause, reviewed your breathing strategy to stay on top of your own negative emotions, and evaluated your own ARC (Autonomy, Relationships, Competence) and biases. You’ve been deliberate about ensuring your “in-the-moment intentions” are aligned to your longer-term goals. You’ve considered how open-ended questions can demonstrate collaboration and empathy. You’ve also thought through the type of questions and statements that generate or rebuild trust.
Now what?
The following section outlines the Four Steps of Conducting HSCs. No conversation is predictable or linear, but understanding the framework and a general flow for successful HSCs will help you put your thoughts and Actions together in your MTM.
High-Stakes Conversation Step #1: Align on the Issue
Defining and getting consensus on the issue is central to your HSC. If you fail to reach consensus about the challenge, a successful conversation will elude you, because each person will be solving different issues.
Don’t assume that you both share the same definition, root cause, or ideas about the problem. You might not even agree that you have a problem, so you cannot possibly start discussing obstacles or solutions!
Positive Issues
An issue is not always negative. It can just as often be about a new venture, idea, or opportunity.
To start your HSC, you must introduce the MTM you want to discuss. The goal is to quickly provide your perception of the issue you would like to discuss and answer any clarifying questions. Following are some examples about how to introduce the issue.
• I would like to talk about ____________ with you so that we can move forward, but first I would like to get your point of view.
• I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?
• I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. I would like to hear your thoughts on this.
• I would love to talk to you about how to move ___________________ forward. I think we may have different ideas about how to _____________________.
• I wonder if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well to come up with next steps.
Once the other person has a clear understanding of the issue you want to discuss and what you hope to resolve, lead with open-ended questions to clarify and align around your issue. You can accomplish this by asking and listening to the response to questions like the following:
• What do you see as the main issue?
• Do you see the issue differently?
• From where you sit, do you believe this is a problem?
• Do you think this is an important issue?
• How would you describe the issue in this situation?
• What would you like to resolve in this conversation?
Once you have heard the other’s perspective on what the issue is for your HSC, there will be space for sharing how you see the issue if it has not already been addressed. Perhaps, multiple central issues will surface. Hold onto all of them and decide what is the most important to tackle first.
The act of defining the issue not only focuses the parties on what you will solve, but it also establishes your first piece of common ground, even if it is a problem to solve. Peace negotiators working with foreign nations use this technique—to first identify areas of agreement before tackling their differences.
High-Stakes Conversation Step #2: Explore Perspectives
This is the step where Quality Questions are used the most. Go back and review Chapter 9 if needed to ensure you are comfortable with the key components of Quality Questions.
You have probably heard of the old Indian parable about the blind men and the elephant. This is a story of a group of blind men who touch an elephant to learn what it is like. Each one feels a different but singular part, such as its side, tusk, or tail. They then compare perspectives and learn that they are in complete disagreement with each other’s description of the elephant, as is shown in Figure 10.1.
Each man is partly right, as each has touched one major part of the elephant. However, they are all wrong, because in their limited perspectives, they failed to comprehend the creature in its entirety. Their description is missing other important information that can only be gained by effective communication and respect for the other men’s perspectives.
A similar dynamic can occur when you’re trying to advance your MTM through an HSC. You will need to understand others’ perspectives, insights, knowledge, and skills. You do not need to agree with others’ “truths,” but awareness of the relevant perspectives enables you to more accurately view the MTM. Best case, you learn a deeper perspective for moving forward. Those who are best at HSCs understand that different experiences, access to information, values, goals, personalities, and perceptions often lead to novel conclusions and insights.
Figure 10.1 The blind men and the elephant
Imagine that you are leading the six men and the elephant, trying to get to the bottom of what those men touched. You would want to dig deeper, asking open-ended questions to gain each man’s perspective along with their collective understanding of what they felt when they touched the elephant. Likewise, in your MTM, ask open-ended Quality Questions to increase information and trust.
Following are examples of open-ended Quality Questions for understanding others’ perspectives about the issue. HSCs are dynamic, so while preparing questions in advance can be helpful, you will need to stay in the moment, asking Quality Questions and sharing constructively throughout. The Quality Questions listed can serve as a guide.
Sample Quality Questions for Exploring Perspectives
• What is working?
• What is not working?
• What is difficult about this situation from your perspective?
• How do you believe this situation sets you or others up for failure—or success?
• What do you think are the causes?
• What constraints (time, resources, energy, focus, etc.) does this situation present for you?
• How does this situation impact your success?
• Who else is involved in this? What are their expectations?
• How do you feel this issue impacts others?
• What do we know so far or still need to learn about this issue?
High-Stakes Conversation Step #3: Generate Forward-Focused Solutions
Up to this point, you have clarified the issue to be solved and increased understanding of how others view it. You have demonstrated empathy, generated trust, and discovered perception gaps between you and the other person around the central issue. Now comes a strategic shift within your HSC where the focus moves away from current perspectives about the issue and begins focusing on future possibilities for improvement and growth.
Stay Solution Oriented
If you stay in the issue too long, it is easy to feel disempowered or like all doors are shut.
“We’ve got an issue...oh no! Not another issue!” You are bound to get weary if you stay stuck. Strategically shifting the focus toward solutions frees your mindset toward what is possible.
Once you better understand the other person’s perspective, look for the right opportunity to shift the focus from the problem to the solution. This is where everyone receives the pay-off of investing in understanding each other’s perspectives. It is tempting to go straight to problem-solving for future solutions, but without groundwork clarity on the issue and understanding of how each person perceives the issue, problem-solving is bound to fail.
It is important to first find common ground for a desired outcome. You may not be able to find perfect alignment on what success looks like for your issue, but usually, there is some area of overlap about desired outcomes that can be found. Finding this agreement is important because it gives everyone in HSC a common purpose to attain when providing possible solutions. It also puts all parties on the same side of the issue. Following are some examples of Quality Questions to define a shared purpose or goals for your HSC.
• What would success look like for you?
• What would you consider an ideal outcome?
• What do you need to consider this a success?
If their desired goals align with yours, acknowledge the agreement and move forward to finding solutions. This is the “sweet spot” for your HSC. If you can get to this point, you and your conversation partner are working together to find solutions to address your MTM. You are no longer on different sides of the issue but are partnering to define next steps. Continue the momentum by leading with Quality Questions that generate forward-focused solutions. See some following examples:
• How would you suggest we move forward?
• What are your ideas for next steps?
• How can we work together to make progress?
• What would you suggest we do if there were no constraints?
• What do you need from me for us to be successful?
• What challenges might come our way, and how might we meet them?
If there is no obvious overlap for shared solutions, look for opportunities for compromise. You can only compromise once you have asked Quality Questions and listened intently for desired outcomes. What overlapping interests or needs can you focus on moving forward? This will build trust and momentum for small wins together, so you can address more contentious future issues. Following are some statements to offer compromise and move forward:
• Let us agree to include both of our views in a solution…
• The part I agree with is…
• I agree with much of what you are saying and….
• Let us find a compromise here
• I think there may be some common ground between us in this aspect.
• Yes, and…
• How can we create a win–win situation?
What If There Is No Common Ground for Solutions?
Usually, if you commit to engaging others in an HSC, you will find alignment and shared “next steps” to improve the MTM situation. But not always. Unfortunately, there are times when the people involved cannot find enough common ground to create shared solutions or next steps. This inability to align occurs primarily for one of the following two reasons.
1. The context of the situation does not allow for a win–win. For one individual or group to win, the other group must lose or take less. One time in Scott’s career, a peer in another department “suggested” that Scott transfer several of his employees to the department of this peer. As both departments had different goals and deliverables, had Scott agreed to “donate” his staff, he would have compromised his ability to remain successful in meeting the goals of his department. Needless to say, Scott declined his peer’s “generous” offer.
2. Individuals have incongruent core values. Think about the hot topics of religion, gun control, abortion, politics, and so on. These topics hit areas where most people are not willing to look for common ground. Have you ever successfully changed someone’s mind on any of these topics? A card-carrying member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and lifelong vegetarian will never feel comfortable working in a slaughterhouse. One set of values falls in direct conflict with another.
This is a time where you will need to agree to escalate the issue if there is a higher-level authority. If not, you will just need to agree to disagree and walk away with an increased understanding of why this issue exists and additional insights for what that means for you to succeed with your MTM.
Scott: Taking a Stand on Values
While it’s not common, you might come across times when you cannot create a win–win or negotiate around incongruous core values.
When Scott worked as a crisis counselor for a private organization delivering counseling services to the state of Michigan, he had many hoops to jump through for compliance relating to timeliness of family visits and paperwork.
Early in his career, Scott faxed his new client paperwork to the main office. For whatever reason, the fax did not get submitted to the state file before an upcoming state audit. Scott’s boss, Jade, called him a few days later. During the call, Jade reminded Scott that their contract was very specific about the timeliness requirement and potential consequence of being noncompliant (i.e., loss of the contract). Then, Jade asked Scott to send the documents again, but she asked Scott to backdate and mail them so they would appear to have been delayed by the postal service instead of lost in the office or eaten by the fax machine.
Had Scott complied with Jade’s request, he would be falsifying records, something that could lead to his immediate termination. If he didn’t comply, he could be found noncompliant and potentially lose the state contract.
Scott didn’t have to think about it. He told Jade, “No.” He explained that Jade could fire him, but he would not falsify the reports. Scott went on to explain that if he were willing to falsify reports provided to the state, how could Jade ever know that he was not falsifying expense reports or mileage reports that he submitted to Jade?
Jade didn’t fire Scott, nor did they lose the contract. Scott took a stand that to him was important enough to risk his job over.
Fortunately, most situations don’t ask you to quit or face termination.
Even if you cannot align on the same desired outcome or perception of the issue, the investment in understanding each other’s views will help everyone decide on the best way forward. As an added bonus, you also will have increased understanding of how to engage in future interactions with these individuals. This experience will build a foundation for potential partnership. A worst-case scenario is that you have clearly identified a context where you and others have incongruent perspectives and goals, which allows you to proactively define useful mitigation strategies to co-exist or exit this engagement.
High-Stakes Conversation Step #4: Take Shared Action
You will greatly benefit by understanding perspectives, intentions, and solutions of another person, but that’s not enough to get you the full benefit of your MTM. There is nothing more frustrating than going through all that effort only to have nothing happen, nothing change. No action, no improvement, no advancing your MTM.
The end-goal of conducting an HSC is to create actions for solutions. To accomplish that, your conversation must move into an action plan where accountability is clearly defined. Once you agree about at least some of the solutions, it is time to get moving on them—which requires that everyone do their part.
Following are some Quality Questions to help generate shared accountability for action.
• What are we each committing to do moving forward?
• What steps must we take to get there?
• What piece of this will you own? What piece of this do you believe I should own?
• How will we hold ourselves accountable? How can we hold each other accountable?
• How and when will we reconnect to check progress?
If the solution to your issue involves several moving parts, consider documenting your answers and sharing them in a file with due dates and assignments for who owns which parts. Set a date to follow up to check in on progress and reassess what might need to be adjusted. If it’s a simple set of actions, you may be able to rely on verbal agreements only. You be the judge. From our experience, it does not hurt to document, especially when developing new habits or ways forward.
Positive change and advancement of your MTM might not happen in one conversation, as most complex situations usually aren’t solved in one conversation. And, most require some compromise to meet in the middle (see sidebar). Be patient and focus on the progress and evolution of your and the other’s thinking, not just the immediate short-term outcome. (Remember: apply long-term goals aligned with immediate intentions.)
Willingness to Compromise
Progress toward your MTM often requires compromise between people with conflicting or differing intentions or goals.
Carlos and Ingrid have been married for six years, and they’ve had the same arguments over those six years. Their biggest disagreement is about how to spend their vacation time.
Ingrid likes vacations that create lasting memories; Carlos prefers a “staycation” where they stay at home, order in, and watch TV. Every year, Carlos and Ingrid ask for 10 days off work from early to mid-July. Ingrid researches places she would like to go and shares them with Carlos starting in April. Carlos finds an excuse for every possible vacation idea (Puerto Rico? No, they have the Zika Virus! Dominican Republic? No, too many tourist deaths and sicknesses! Hawaii? The flight is too long! Florida? Too crowded! Chicago? Gang violence!). After a short conversation, Carlos asks, “Can’t you just be happy with what we have here at home? You’re the one that’s always complaining about spending too much money!” And the sparks fly.
This ongoing argument is actually an MTM begging for an HSC using Quality Questions. What makes this couple view this situation as a fight is that each of them has predictable triggers, repeats the same mistakes, and accomplishes the same outcomes.
Remember, your MTM is an opportunity to Get It Right, even if you have historically gotten it wrong.
If you are honest with yourself, you don’t want to be triggered, trigger your spouse, or go to bed mad. You want to feel heard, respected, and validated. And, the best outcome would be a compromise that both of you can live with. Neither of those goals can be accomplished by doing what you have always done.
Were Carlos and Ingrid to engage in Quality Questions and the four steps of an HSC, in which they listened to one another’s perspectives and came up with shared solutions and an action plan, they could likely find success and avoid their repetitive fights on the topic of money. But up to this point, the only question Carlos or Ingrid asks is to themselves: Why did I marry this person?
So let us add some Quality Questions. Since reading a book, Getting It Right When It Matters Most, Ingrid tries a different approach.
When Carlos comes home from work, Ingrid is already in the kitchen cooking.
“Hey, babe,” she says. “What do you think about going for a walk together after dinner? (Okay, it is not exactly an open-ended question, but this Yes/No question allows her to evaluate the timing of her planned HSC.)”
“Sure,” Carlos answers. “Nothing good on TV.”
As they begin their walk after dinner, Ingrid asks, “Have you already put in your request to take time off in July?” (Again, it is a Yes/No question, but it is a way to open the conversation.)
“I sure have,” Carlos answers. “How about you?”
“I have, too,” Ingrid says. “And I’m really looking forward to getting away for a while.”
Carlos says nothing, so Ingrid continues.
“Carlos, if you were to look at a map of the world, where would you most like to visit?” Ingrid asks him.
“I know where you’re going with this,” he answers suspiciously. “My favorite place is home.”
“Have you ever thought about going somewhere you have read about but never seen?” she asks. “Like Spain to visit the town where your grandparents came from? Or maybe go see the Roman Forum in real life instead of on TV?”
“Yeah, it’d be nice, but you know I don’t like to travel. It costs too much, takes too long to get there, we speak only English, and we don’t have passports,” he told her as if he had done his “excuse homework.”
“How about in this country? Remember that show we watched about the Grand Canyon? And that other one about Yosemite National Park? Wouldn’t you love to see something like that?” she responded, taking to heart some of his objections.
“Ingrid,” he said patiently, “I just like to stay home, eat, watch TV. You know, keep things simple and relaxing.”
“I know, Carlos,” Ingrid said as she breathed. “But I’d like to suggest a compromise. For the last six years, we’ve taken our vacations at home. I would like to stay at home one year, and then go away the next. That way we could save up, plan something fun and special, and have a chance to experience something together that neither of us has seen before.”
“That’s why we have cable,” Carlos answered dismissively.
“Let me back up for a minute,” Ingrid said as she thought through her best intention. “Carlos, my desire to go away and take a vacation somewhere with you is to get closer to you. When we watch TV, which is fine, we aren’t talking. We’re listening to someone else talk. Our honeymoon was wonderful, because it was just the two of us, disconnected for a while, doing things together. I want to get closer to you, Carlos. Does that make sense?”
“So,” Carlos answered, “Let me see if I got this straight. You want to get closer to me in a way that we can’t do when we stay home, eating, and watching TV together?”
Ingrid smiled. “That’s exactly what I want. And I’ll tell you what: you can pick the place. I’ll do all the planning. We can make decisions together if you like. And then next year, we can plan a staycation and rotate.”
Maybe this sounds unrealistic, but it is very similar to a conversation that one of the authors had with his spouse. No one wants to be seen as selfish. When someone cares enough to listen to your objections, consider them, and try to address them, reasonable people will listen.
And, by the way, one of the authors who is the inspiration for Carlos in this story is going to Wales with his spouse next year. It works!
If the HSC calls for it, you could ask a friend to help you conduct an extended role play to practice what you are going to say and engage in active listening, handling resistance, and keeping the conversation neutral, solution-focused, and positive. That process could take a few minutes or several hours, which is worth it to create a successful outcome. You can right size these concepts to best fit your needs.
You have now spent time learning about the most essential aspects of Self, Outlook, and Action. Using the skills we have shared up to this point, you are equipped to engage in your HSCs. But remember that SOAR is a dynamic cycle, and you may revisit chapters to refresh yourself on how to use specific skills as you need them. In fact, during your HSC, you may need to practice your pause and breathe techniques frequently.