Epilogue

Raising children takes parents on a long and frequently intricate path. Unlike our parents and those of past generations, we still may not know where our children are headed while they’re in their twenties. In spite of living with some ambiguity, now is the time to relax a little and reap the benefits. Tricia, a mother of five adult children, recalled,

My most vivid memory of all those early years was standing, holding a baby, nursing, and scrambling an egg carefully over the stove so that I wouldn’t burn the baby’s head. The school bus was coming, the lunches were waiting to be assembled, and my husband was out of town. It was unbelievably chaotic.

But they still grew up. They were so close together in age that all of a sudden, they were just older, together. I have a wonderful relationship with my kids, and I love it. It’s terrific. I don’t begrudge those early years, but I’m really enjoying my kids now.

Having your children as friends can be a joy. One father of older teens said, “Our family went to Vermont for Christmas. At night we sat around and played Scrabble. It was the best family vacation we’ve ever had. It’s so much fun with adult children. We related like friends who really enjoy each other’s company.” Relationships with adult children finally become more mutual. Not only can you enjoy each other, but you can also depend on each other.

Often we are concerned that there is a danger in being too close to our children as they grow up. This awareness makes us devalue what we think of as normal, healthy closeness and connection. Many parents worry that they shouldn’t be supporting their adult children for fear of hindering their independence. This is a reasonable concern; however, we believe that valuing connection is an essential part of health and survival and can be accomplished without interfering with our children’s development.

Becoming an adult does not require separating from those who love you. However, this new stage does require negotiating new boundaries and new role definitions. You have to regroup at each stage of your children’s development. The beginning of each new stage may seem overwhelming, but you’ll eventually find yourself relaxing and feeling more confident.

Parenting is an ongoing process. Launching our children is a timeless experience; so is letting go. With older teens and young adults, the surprise comes because you feel you should have completed all the more complex stages of parenting already. We were led to believe that once our children reached their twenties, our job would be finished. We now understand that we can expect an extended period of involvement in the lives of our children.

Just when you think your children are on smooth and solid ground, it shifts. Today the lives of young adults may be unsettling, but at the same time, it’s important to keep in mind that this transitional age is filled with possibilities. This time provides a perfect opportunity for them to explore their world. Young adults have more freedom than at any other time in their lives. As parents, we can provide them with our wisdom and insight as they move forward toward independence.

So what does it take to be a good parent? Love them no matter what.