4

What Helps, and What Doesn’t

As I noted in the last chapter, some secular/religious mixed marriages go smoothly, while others are painful and difficult, or even go down in flames. When you look closely at hundreds of these marriages, certain patterns begin to emerge—the things that help these marriages succeed, and the things that don’t.

It was tempting to create a Dr. Phil–type quiz for this, but any kind of sliding scale would be misleadingly simple. Instead, I’ll describe the relative importance of each item and let you decide how much it applies to you, if at all.

Nine Unhelpful Things

Let’s start with the bad news: nine things that can make a secular/religious relationship difficult. They aren’t always terminal by any means, but couples with one or more of these situations will need to draw on other strengths to offset these challenges.

1. A couple shared a worldview when they married, and then one partner changed.

Though never enough by itself, this is one of the most consistent risk markers in the secular/religious marriage. The partner who remains the same often feels that an unspoken (or sometimes even spoken) agreement has been violated, one on which the very choice to marry is often predicated. The correlation between this factor and the tension markers in the McGowan-Sikes survey are very high. (See Chapters 7, 10, and 11 for couples in this situation.)

2. Both partners identify intensely with their (different) worldviews.

If both partners are fairly moderate in the intensity of their worldview and its centrality to their personal identity, problems are few and far between. Even if one is intensely engaged, the opportunity for compromise is still available. But when one partner is intensely religious and the other is intensely secular, the issues multiply, and the opportunity for compromise diminishes. This by itself is not always a problem, but if the intensity is accompanied by dogmatism or a strong desire to convert, the strain on the relationship can be intense.

3. One or both partners are relatively dogmatic in their thinking.

Dogmatism is not the same as intensity, and it has nothing to do with how loud or confident you are. It describes a person’s unwillingness to allow that he or she might be wrong. A person can be highly committed to a worldview, whether religious or nonreligious, and still retain some flexibility of thinking and a willingness to admit that he or she might be wrong. One dogmatic thinker in a marriage can be challenging. Two partners who are dogmatic on opposite ends—that’s deadly. (Not sure about this one? Take the DOG Scale quiz in Chapter 17.)

4. One or both partners have a strong desire to convert the other partner.

It’s never a great idea to enter a relationship with the assumption or expectation that the other person will change. Because religious identity is less likely to change than most habits, and because it’s tied so tightly to personal identity, a persistent expressed desire to convert one’s partner causes resentment and alienation to build over time. In the McGowan-Sikes survey, a strong desire by one or both partners to convert the other correlated strongly with tension and conflict in the relationship. (For couples including at least one partner with a strong desire to convert the other, see Chapters 7 and 11.)

5. The nonreligious partner is an antitheist.

An antitheist in a relationship with a traditionally religious person—a theist, in other words—is obviously bringing some unhelpful baggage through the door. It’s like a vegetarian marrying someone who is not merely a nonvegetarian but declares himself to be antivegetarian, directly opposed to all things vegetarian, dedicated to its eradication. Whether antitheism is a justified position is a separate question. But there’s little question that it is a flag for problems in the secular/religious marriage. (See the University of Tennessee typology of nonbelievers in Chapter 3.)

6. The religious partner identifies with a significantly conservative, dogmatic, or fundamentalist denomination.

You can’t draw lines between denominations or religions and assume that all adherents on one side of the line share any given attitude, practice, or belief. Many lines run straight down the middle of a given denomination, with conservatives on one side and progressives on the other. But a few denominations show an especially high correlation with tension and conflict in the secular/religious marriage. Mormonism, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Pentecostalism, and conservative Evangelical Protestants are among those with the highest levels of conflict and divorce in secular/religious matches, much of which takes the form of pressure or shunning by extended family. (More on the differences between denominations and intensities and on the damaging effects of external disapproval on relationships in Chapters 2 and 18, respectively.)

7. The marriage already includes other high-risk factors.

If a relationship already includes one or more of the classic risk factors, religious differences can exacerbate the effect. Risks with a high correlation to conflict and divorce include:

→ Significant age difference between partners

→ Young age at marriage (under 25, especially under 21)

→ Parents’ history of divorce

→ Premarital cohabitation

→ If one partner smokes and the other does not

→ If one or both partners have a drinking problem

→ History of previous divorce

→ Mismatched desire to have children, or more children

→ Low overall life satisfaction/marital satisfaction

→ Communication in general that is often disrespectful or contemptuous

(These factors are discussed in more detail in Chapters 17 and 20. Most of the couples in Chapters 512 have one or more of these risk factors.)

8. The couple experiences significant disapproval from extended family and/or the community.

A recent Harvard study found that strong disapproval from the outside puts serious stress on the relationship and even on the health of the individuals.1 “The more people felt like their family and friends and society didn’t approve of and support their relationship, the worse their health was,” said Justin Lehmiller, lead researcher on the study. And if the source of the tension is the religious difference between the partners, such disapproval can greatly increase existing tensions between them. (More on extended family, as well as on good and bad extended-family reactions for couples in Chapters 5, 6, 12, and 18.)

9. There is disagreement over religious identity, boundaries, and practices for the children.

Many issues that lie dormant for a secular/religious couple prior to having kids come roaring to the surface once that Rubicon is crossed. It’s all well and good to say each partner can hold the beliefs he or she chooses, but what about the kids? Do they have a religious identity? Are they free to select their own in the long run? Do they go to Sunday school or religious services? Will they be baptized, confirmed, bar mitzvahed? Are any questions or opinions off limits? Secular/religious couples who do not come to agreement on these questions as early as possible—preferably before the kids are born—are in for some very strong shock waves, especially if one or both partners have a strong worldview identity. (More in Chapter 19.)

Ten Helpful Things

Some of the helpful characteristics are just the unhelpful ones in reverse, but some are independent of that list. Here are 10 best practices for secular/religious couples:

1. Never try to convert or deconvert your partner. In matters of belief, support and encourage his or her autonomy.

Accept your differences. If your partner wants to question or challenge his or her own opinions and wants a sounding board, he or she knows where to find you. You can discuss, debate, and challenge each other’s ideas, but if you want a mixed-belief relationship to work, let your partner know that in the end you respect his or her right to self-determination. (More in Chapter 17.)

2. Talk about your differences of belief as early as possible in the relationship.

Relationships should be entered into with all cards on the table. Sharing a difference in belief with a partner or potential partner as early as you can demonstrates honesty and respect. You don’t have to reveal your entire personal history on the first date, but when things start getting serious—and certainly before engagement, marriage, kids—it’s best to discuss the difference openly. (More in Chapter 13.)

3. Work out agreements for all shared practices, including churchgoing, parenting, and family religious identity, by defining your negotiables and nonnegotiables.

Each partner will have a long list of preferences related to religious or nonreligious practice, but not everything is nonnegotiable. Decide what you can’t live without and what you can, and then compare lists for points of conflict. (More in Chapter 17.)

4. Focus on shared values more than different beliefs.

Yes, the difference in beliefs is there, and yes, it often matters, but couples can choose where to place their focus and emphasis. Values impact daily life more than most beliefs, and moderate and liberal believers and nonbelievers share more values with each other than either does with the more extreme representatives of their worldview. (Take the Shared Values Quiz in Chapter 13.)

5. Make personal respect nonnegotiable, even as you question and challenge each other’s ideas.

This is closely related to item 1 but worth mentioning separately. Ideas and opinions must earn respect, but respect for each other as people is a nonnegotiable requirement of a relationship. (More in Chapter 17.)

6. Engage in and learn about each other’s worldviews.

Make the effort to learn more about your partner’s worldview. It’s a gesture of personal respect and a great way to get to know each other. (More in Chapters 2 and 3.)

7. Remember that the opinions of believers are not always the same as the doctrines of their churches, and the opinions of nonbelievers are not always the same as those of prominent atheists.

The secular/religious marriage is not the marriage of the Holy Bible and The God Delusion. Most religious people aren’t Old Testament literalists, and most nonreligious people don’t think religion poisons everything. Take the time to find out whether and how your partner’s beliefs differ from the stereotype. (More in Chapters 2 and 3.)

8. Raise children with the freedom to choose their own religious or nonreligious identity. Expose them to many traditions, beliefs, and practices.

If parents have two different worldviews, there is one clear best practice for the kids: Keep them unlabeled, and then preserve space around them so they can come to their own conclusions in the long run. Provide knowledge and experience to fuel that process, and let them know you will never withhold your love and support, no matter what decision they make. (More in Chapter 19.)

9. Support and protect each other from mistreatment or disrespect, especially by those who share your worldview, including extended family.

If your partner is being maligned, pressured, or ostracized by family or community members because of his or her beliefs, a mixed-belief partner is in a unique position to come to his or her defense. Never miss an opportunity to do so. (More in Chapter 18.)

10. Spread the word!

If you are married to someone across the gap between religious belief and nonbelief, you’re in a unique position to dispel negative stereotypes about your partner’s worldview. The religious partner can be a moderating voice with real-world experience when the church ladies start suggesting that all atheists are immoral, and the nonreligious partner can do the same when those in the local atheist group start suggesting that all religious people are unintelligent. You know better, so find the courage to speak up.

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