9

Finding a Meeting Place

Evan and Cate

Evan and Cate were both raised Catholic. “My faith has always given me comfort,” she says. “We prayed before dinner and at bedtime, and my sister and I went to Catholic school. My parents were very involved in our small-town parish, volunteering as lectors and Eucharistic ministers. I watched them, saw what their faith brought to them, and wanted the same for myself.”

Evan says his faith was more incidental. “I went to Sunday school and was even an altar boy for a while. But I never had much attachment to religion growing up, so when my parents gave me the choice to stop attending Sunday school in the eighth grade, I was more than happy to take back my Sunday mornings.” By the end of high school, Evan separated from religion altogether, though he kept his views to himself.

He and Cate met and began dating in college. “I continued to follow in my parents’ footsteps,” Cate says. “Went to church faithfully every Sunday, volunteered as a lector and as a Eucharistic minister, just like they did. Hearing the music and saying the prayers during the routine of the Mass brought me comfort, and I enjoyed sharing my faith with others.” That was something that was missing in her relationship with Evan. He went with her to Mass, but she knew his faith was more nominal, even though they rarely discussed their actual beliefs.

Cate told Evan she wanted a Catholic wedding. “He went along with what I wanted to do; then after we were married he went to church with me a few times at Easter and Christmas—then stopped. I didn’t understand why, and I didn’t really ask why. I also told him when the time came I wanted to baptize our children. He told me he was okay with this but said he wouldn’t be there for it because it went against what he believed.” It was the first clear statement of its kind. “I remember feeling sad about this,” Cate says, “but I went on like anything else I did and we didn’t discuss it any further.”

Three boys arrived, and each was baptized without Evan in attendance.

After a few years, Cate began to struggle with depression. “Evan suggested I find something that interested me and pursue the interest. I thought I’d try turning to my faith to help me deal with my emotions and went on a Catholic women’s retreat with a friend.”

The focus of the retreat was a renewal of faith, and as part of the retreat experience, Evan was asked to write a letter of support to Cate. At the close of the retreat, the women’s families came together to show their love and support for their renewed faith. “I was all for letting Cate know how much I loved and supported her, but I was being asked to do this in a religious context,” Evan says. “I felt that I was betraying my own beliefs by supporting Cate in hers. Now I’ve never taken issue with Cate, or anyone else for that matter, believing in God, Allah, Zeus, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or any other deity they wish to pray to. But I do have issue when someone takes their personal beliefs and tries to impose them on someone else.” It felt to Evan like a line was being crossed in that direction—that faith was becoming a wedge between them.

“We did talk about the new tension that developed between us after the retreat,” Evan recalls. Cate also began thinking more directly about her actual beliefs. “During one of our conversations, she mentioned how the priest said everyone was a sinner. This did not sit well with her because she doesn’t see herself that way. She also didn’t like the Catholic Church’s stance on gay marriage or birth control. But she kept saying that going to church gave her peace in spite of these differences. I couldn’t understand how she could find comfort in a place that she disagreed with so much.”

Far from withdrawing, Cate was connecting even more deeply with her faith community, even as she recognized her serious differences with it. She says that when some of the women from the retreat started planning the following year’s retreat, “I told Evan that I wanted to be part of this group. It didn’t sit well with him. But I had already decided I wanted to share my story of how my beliefs differed from my husband’s.”

As the months of planning went by, she enjoyed herself more and more. “This was the interest Evan had been talking about!” she says. “The women of the group were believers like me, and this lifted my spirits. But at the same time, I could tell it was bothering him. I didn’t understand. I had finally joined a group that I enjoyed being in. He was a member of photography and beer-brewing clubs. What difference did it make if my group had something to do with my faith?”

They began talking in more depth about the ways she differed from the church. “He told me that I needed to look in the mirror and see the real me,” she recalls. “I started struggling with my Catholicism. If I don’t agree with most of what Catholics believe, why do I associate with that religion? Catholics say Jesus was born of a virgin. I disagree. I believe Mary and Joseph were Jesus’s parents. Catholics are pro-life. I am pro-choice.”

“This barely scratches the surface of the struggle we went through,” Evan says. “Cate was also having a hard time coming to terms with my lack of belief. At the lowest point, we questioned whether it was even possible for two people with such differences to have a lasting relationship. Thankfully we had the sense to seek counseling. The first thing we learned was that sometimes our differences have no influence on one another and so should be respected. The second was the importance of communication. Until we went to counseling, it was hard for us to communicate our feelings other than being angry or upset. We focused on only the negative and forgot about the things that bonded us in the first place.”

Evan knew Cate was struggling with her religious identity but still needed that sense of community and belonging. One day he came across something interesting online. “While on an online atheist community, he came across a secular parenting discussion being held at a Unitarian Universalist church nearby,” Cate recalls. “He was curious why a church was sponsoring a secular parenting topic. Looking into it, he discovered what Unitarian Universalism is and thought this may be something to interest both of us.”

The UU website had a link that caught Cate’s eye. “It was to something called the Belief-O-Matic quiz.1 You answer questions about your beliefs and it tells you which religion suits you.” The quiz is run by Beliefnet and has no affiliation with UU. Cate took the quiz, and her results were telling. “Catholic was third or fourth down on the list. But Unitarian Universalism was at the top of my list, the best fit for my actual beliefs.”

She decided to read more about UU and found the seven UU Principles around which UUism is built (see sidebar). Unlike Catholicism, which was becoming a poor fit, Cate says, “I agreed with all seven principles. I told Evan that this was something I wanted to check out. The kids enjoyed themselves and even Evan enjoyed himself … in a church! Who would have guessed?”

The Seven UU Principles

Because Unitarian Universalist fellowships are formed around shared values instead of shared beliefs, they often represent an effective meeting place for religious and nonreligious partners. These seven values are affirmed and promoted in UU fellowships:

1. The inherent worth and dignity of every person;

2. Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;

3. Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;

4. A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;

5. The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;

6. The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;

7. Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.2

“We’ve been going for two years now,” Evan says. “It doesn’t fill a spiritual need for me; it does fill an intellectual one. I had a group of friends many years ago that could discuss religion, politics, or any other hot topic of the day and still remain friends. I loved it. But we moved away from each other and ended up with acquaintances and family members who were always more concerned with saying how right they were and how wrong everyone else was instead of having an actual dialogue. This made me bitter towards many viewpoints, and that bitterness certainly didn’t help the problem that arose between Cate and me. In the discussion groups at the UU we can debate a topic and then push our differences aside as we move the chairs away for social hour. It’s refreshing.”

Evan says sharing the UU experience has helped the two of them at home as well. “Now we can disagree about something and a hug and simple ‘I love you’ is all that is needed to move along.”

He says it also taught him something about Cate. “When she was at the Catholic Church, I couldn’t understand why she would be part of something that she did not share so many beliefs with. But now I’ve learned that for her, the comfort she feels isn’t necessarily from her beliefs but from being part of a ritual and a community that shares a common thread. And now that I’m part of this community as well, it brings me great comfort too.”

Cate says her experience at the UU helped her find her personal religious identity separate from a denominational one. “Shortly after we joined, I started attending the BYOT (Build Your Own Theology) class. We met for nine months, then wrote a Credo statement. It was then that I really discovered the Cate that had been looking in the mirror. I realized that I don’t have to go to church to have a relationship with my God. It is something that I had been struggling with all along but finally became okay with it.”

(For more on Unitarian Universalism and other noncreedal congregations, turn to Chapter 15.)

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