Hearing is not the same as listening. Every moment of every day, if we're blessed with healthy ears, there are sounds. Sounds surround us to the extent that we routinely tune them out—traffic, the hum of a refrigerator, conversations in a café.
Only when something out of the routine occurs do you listen to these sounds. Two cars collide in traffic. The refrigerator suddenly stops humming. A café patron at the next table mentions the name of your company. Now you're not just hearing. You are listening with attention, gathering information, assessing the meaning of what you're hearing.
Active listening occurs when we make a conscious effort. It is a selective, critical activity that we practice at a deeper level than hearing. The trouble is, most of us receive little or no training in listening. That's not the only barrier. Assessments of thousands of leaders who have studied with CCL indicate that many of them need to develop their listening skills. Some of what they should improve includes
- DEALING COMFORTABLY WITH PEOPLE'S FEELINGS
- ACCEPTING CRITICISM WELL
- TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT OTHERS ARE THINKING BEFORE MAKING JUDGMENTS
- ENCOURAGING DIRECT REPORTS TO SHARE
- USING FEEDBACK TO MAKE NECESSARY CHANGES IN THEIR BEHAVIOR
- BEING OPEN TO THE INPUT OF OTHERS
- TRYING TO ADOPT SOMEONE'S PERSPECTIVE AND IMAGINE THEIR POINT OF VIEW
Poor listening has a far-reaching impact. Colleagues, direct reports, and others often describe poor listeners in these ways:
- HE ONLY LISTENS TO CERTAIN PEOPLE.
- SHE'S ALREADY MADE UP HER MIND. WHY DOES SHE BOTHER TO ASK WHAT WE THINK?
- HE'S NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.
- SHE'S ARROGANT.
- HE DOESN'T PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT'S GOING ON UNDER THE SURFACE.
- SHE'S JUST REALLY HARD TO TALK TO.
- HE'S VERY CRITICAL OF EVERYONE. NO ONE WANTS TO SPEAK UP ONLY TO BE CRITICIZED.
- I CAN'T GET THROUGH A SENTENCE WITHOUT HER INTERRUPTING.
Active listening makes a huge difference in our interactions with others, fostering trust, respect, and mutual understanding. How can you truly say you are “in the moment” and taking in all that an experience has to offer if your only way of understanding and interpreting that experience comes from yourself? To truly take it all in, you need to gather insight and perspectives other than your own. Active listening is essential to merging your understanding with others and gaining a more complete and integrated understanding of what you, and others, are experiencing together.
LISTENING TRAPS!: EXTERNAL PRESSURES
A volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous environment makes it tempting not to listen. The daily demands placed on leaders make it difficult to slow down, focus, inquire, and listen. At the same time, a critical skill for dealing with uncertain conditions is actively soliciting information and making sense of it. Communicating effectively—especially the ability to listen well—is a survival skill.
Active listening is not optional or a nicety to make others feel good. It is essential to addressing the challenges facing today's leaders. Consider the ten behaviors listed below. Identify the three that you feel you are currently strongest in and the corresponding three that you feel are most in need of development.
| STRENGTH | NEED |
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Makes people feel they are truly heard. |
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Shows a willingness to listen and be open to input. |
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Pays attention to others' nonverbal communication. |
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Demonstrates empathy toward others. |
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Listens patiently. |
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Listens without judgment. |
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Reflects back to others what they are thinking and feeling. |
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Asks clarifying questions. |
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Restates key points. |
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Understands others before sharing own perspective. |
Take a moment to reflect on how your perceived strengths and corresponding development needs in this area have played out in the past and currently. As you progress through this chapter, keep in mind how you might augment or leverage these approaches.
CONNECTING: WHAT IF OPRAH WINFREY WERE YOUR BOSS?
Everyone knows that Oprah Winfrey is one of the most successful and influential TV interviewers of all time, much of this due to her listening ability. But how does her on-air interpersonal skill carry over to her style as a manager?
Consider a job interview she conducted with a candidate for a production opening a few years back. After the initial conversations, it came time for the candidate to negotiate his salary. Each time Winfrey's team named a figure, the interviewee came back with a higher figure. This went on for five rounds of negotiation. Finally the candidate came back with an exorbitant figure far above the going rate.
Winfrey stopped the negotiation and asked a question: “What do you really want?”
The candidate replied, “I want you to want me at your company as much as I want to be there.” She assured him that she did, and they returned to negotiating a reasonable salary.
What was her takeaway?
“I realized,” Winfrey later wrote, “he was saying the same thing we're all saying to the people in our lives. ‘I want to know that you value me.’”
How can you incorporate lessons from Winfrey's interviewing style—connection, empathy, summarizing back what you have heard and understood—into your own interactions?
Think of the bosses you've had and their comparative willingness and ability to hear and understand. Chances are, you have a good sense of what active listening looks like. However, you may not know what to do to be successful at it. Learning and committing to the mindset and behaviors of active listening can improve your ability to both listen and lead.
THE MINDSET of ACTIVE LISTENING
The quality of conversation improves when you practice active listening. Leaders who practice active listening draw out more information and more meaningful information during a conversation. When practiced with consistent skill, it establishes the norm for conversation and everyone involved is a full participant. Conversations are characterized by finding common ground, connecting to each other, and opening up to new possibilities.
The two key mindsets that drive active listening are to approach listening as an opportunity for learning and to withhold judgment. Actively listening is not just waiting for our turn to speak, and this needs to be clearly demonstrated. So we'll highlight not only what you need to be thinking on the inside but showing on the outside.
A primary goal of active listening is setting a comfortable tone and allowing time and opportunity for the other person to think and speak. To get in the frame of mind of a listener and a learner, focus on the following:
- BE PRESENT AND FOCUSED ON THE MOMENT. ELIMINATE UNNECESSARY DISTRACTIONS.
- REMEMBER THAT YOUR INTENTION IS TO CONNECT TO AND UNDERSTAND–NOT INTERROGATE.
- OPERATE FROM A PLACE OF RESPECT, LETTING YOURSELF EMPATHIZE WITH THE OTHER PERSON.
- BE COMFORTABLE BEING SILENT.
- REMEMBER THAT YOU'LL NEED TO SUMMARIZE THE OTHER PERSON'S IDEAS. PREPARE TO DO SO.
You can say as much with your body language as you do with the words you speak. When engaged in active listening, your actions go a long way toward communicating your intent to understand.
CONVEY THE APPROPRIATE NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION
Maintain comfortable eye contact. Show interest. Lean forward. Keep your body language open. Give nonverbal affirmations. Nod when you understand. Smile when appropriate. Keep the other person talking.
RESPOND TO THE OTHER PERSON'S NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION
Pay close attention to the other person's nonverbal behavior in order to pick up important information and make sense of it. Look for cues and shifts such as tone of voice, intensity, volume, facial expressions, and posture. By focusing on the other person and being present, you convey that your purpose is to learn.
EMPATHIZE
Put yourself in the other person's place, to temporarily live in that person's world. Demonstrating empathy expresses your willingness to understand the other person's situation and to respect his or her views and experiences. Some examples:
- “I'D BE EXCITED, TOO, IF I HAD SUCH ATTRACTIVE OPTIONS BEFORE ME.”
- “IT MUST BE REALLY HARD TO MAKE THIS CHOICE.”
- “THAT EXPERIENCE MUST HAVE REALLY TESTED YOUR DETERMINATION.”
“I REMIND MYSELF EVERY DAY: NOTHING I SAY THIS DAY IS GOING TO TEACH ME ANYTHING. SO IF I'M GOING TO LEARN, I MUST DO IT BY LISTENING.”
— LARRY KING
As a listener and a leader, you need to be open to new ideas, perspectives, and possibilities. Even when good listeners have strong views, they suspend judgment, hold their criticism, and avoid arguing or selling their point of view right away. Tell yourself, “I'm here to understand how the other person sees the world. It is not time to judge or give my view.”
Holding judgment is particularly important when tensions run high. To maintain a judgment-free mindset in these situations, focus on the following:
- LET THE OTHER SIDE VENT OR BLOW OFF STEAM IF NEEDED.
- DON'T FEEL COMPELLED TO JUMP IMMEDIATELY TO PROBLEM SOLVING OR OFFERING ADVICE.
- BE COMFORTABLE NOT TALKING; YOUR JOB IS TO PAY ATTENTION AND UNDERSTAND.
ACKNOWLEDGE DIFFERENCE
Each person brings a unique perspective to a situation. Experience, culture, personal background, and current circumstances all contribute to the way people react at work. Communicate that you'd like to understand things through the other person's point of view.
INDICATE YOUR OPEN MIND
Show your genuine intention to be open-minded by saying things such as:
- “I'M COMING FROM ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE AND I WANT TO UNDERSTAND YOUR VIEW.”
- “MY GOAL HERE IS TO UNDERSTAND, NOT TO JUDGE OR MAKE A DECISION.”
- “I REALLY WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS THAT YOU'RE THINKING AND FEELING.”
BE PATIENT
Allow the other person to talk and elaborate. Allow pauses. Don't speed the conversation along.
Demonstrate that you are tracking with the information being presented by periodically restating the other's basic ideas, emphasizing the facts. This act of paraphrasing allows you to identify any disconnects and signal to the other person that you are getting it.
PARAPHRASE TO REFLECT
Like a mirror, we can reflect information and emotions without agreeing or disagreeing. Use paraphrasing—a brief, periodic recap of the other person's key points—to confirm your understanding of what they've told you. Don't assume that you understand correctly or that the other person knows you get it. Paraphrasing facts helps identify any disconnects and signals to the other person that you understand. Use responses such as:
- “WHAT I'M HEARING IS . . .”
- “LET ME MAKE SURE I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING . . .”
- “IF I'M UNDERSTANDING YOU CORRECTLY . . .”
This is an important aspect of the active listening skillset but challenging to put into practice. The emotional message may be in the words used, the tone, body language, or some combination. Using this technique shows the other person that you are expending attention and energy to understand what he or she is communicating. This might also help others articulate unconscious feelings. Here are some examples.
- “YOU SEEM TO HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT . . .”
- “IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE FEELING VERY HAPPY ABOUT . . .”
- “SOUNDS AS IF YOU'RE FEELING PRETTY FRUSTRATED AND STUCK.”
ASK OPEN-ENDED AND CLARIFYING QUESTIONS
Double-check any issue that is ambiguous or unclear. Open-ended questions (as opposed to yes-or-no questions) draw people out and encourage them to expand their ideas. They also encourage people to reflect, rather than justifying or defending a position or trying to guess the “right answer.” Examples are:
- “WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?”
- “WHAT LED YOU TO DRAW THIS CONCLUSION?”
- “WHAT WOULD HAPPEN NEXT?”
CLARIFYING QUESTIONS help clear up confusion. They define problems, uncover gaps in information, and encourage accuracy and precision. For example:
- “LET ME SEE IF I'M CLEAR. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT . . .?”
- “I MUST HAVE MISSED SOMETHING. COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?”
- “I AM NOT SURE THAT I GOT WHAT YOU WERE SAYING. CAN YOU EXPLAIN IT AGAIN ANOTHER WAY?”
ASK PROBING QUESTIONS
New ideas or suggestions can be introduced into a conversation not only by making statements but also by asking well-formulated questions. Probing questions invite reflection and a thoughtful response rather than dictate a solution. This helps develop problem-solving capacity in others. For example:
- “MORE SPECIFICALLY, WHAT ARE SOME OF THE THINGS YOU'VE TRIED? CAN YOU GIVE ME A FOR-INSTANCE?”
- “HOW DIRECT HAVE YOU BEEN WITH MARCUS ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE SALES FORCE IF THE SITUATION DOESN'T CHANGE?”
- “WHAT IS IT IN YOUR OWN LEADERSHIP APPROACH THAT MIGHT BE CONTRIBUTING TO TONYA'S FAILURE TO MEET HER DEADLINES?”
“THERE IS ONE CARDINAL RULE. ONE MUST ALWAYS LISTEN TO THE PATIENT.”
— OLIVER SACKS
Briefly recap core themes raised in the conversation. Summarizing helps people see their key ideas, and it confirms and solidifies your grasp of them. It may lead to additional questions and clarify mutual responsibilities and follow-up. Briefly summarize what you have understood as you listened with comments such as:
- “IT SOUNDS AS IF YOUR MAIN CONCERN IS . . .”
- “THESE SEEM TO BE THE KEY POINTS YOU HAVE EXPRESSED . . .”
You can also ask the other person to summarize:
- “WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD SO FAR?”
- “TO MAKE SURE WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE, WHAT ARE THE KEY PLANS WE'VE AGREED UPON TODAY?”
SHARE YOUR PERSPECTIVE
Being an active listener doesn't mean being a sponge, passively soaking up the information. You are an active party to the conversation with your own thoughts and feelings. Yet active listening is first about understanding the other person, then about being understood. That's hard to learn and apply, especially for leaders accustomed to believing that they must get their message out so that others can follow.
As you gain a clearer understanding of the other person's perspective, introduce your ideas, feelings, and suggestions and then collaborate on next steps. For example:
- “YOUR TELLING ME ABOUT THIS INCIDENT TRIGGERED A THOUGHT.”
- “I FELT SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE FEELING THAT WAY.”
- “MAY I SHARE SOMETHING SIMILAR?”
LISTENING TRAPS!: TIME AND PLACE
Listening is particularly challenging when you aren't in the same room with others involved in the conversation. In telephone calls and video conferences, nonverbal cues are missing, technology may be distracting, and the lure of multitasking is strong. The reality of routinely working across time zones and with coworkers anywhere in the world makes active listening all the more important.
THE TOOLSET for ACTIVE LISTENING:
Create Reminders
Developing active listening skills requires steady practice. Unfortunately, we seldom take sufficient advantage of practice opportunities, so we suggest making a reminder list of your own and finding ways to position it to capture your attention when the things on your list are most needed.
- TAPING A LIST TO YOUR COMPUTER OR ABOVE YOUR DOOR SO YOU CAN GLANCE AT IT WHEN OTHERS ENTER THE ROOM
- TUCKING YOUR LIST INTO YOUR WALLET OR KEEPING IT WITH YOUR NOTEBOOK OR SMARTPHONE
- KEEPING IT SIMPLE AND JUST WRITING “LISTEN” AT THE TOP OF YOUR NOTES AT EACH MEETING
If you are working on a more specific skill, give yourself a cue.
- INTERRUPTING TOO MUCH? KEEP A CARD HANDY THAT SAYS “DON'T INTERRUPT!”
- HONE YOUR QUESTIONING SKILLS? REFER TO A CONVENIENT LIST OF OPEN-ENDED, CLARIFYING, AND PROBING QUESTIONS.
- JUST AS YOU THINK THROUGH THE CONTENT OF THE MEETING IN ADVANCE, THINK THROUGH YOUR LISTENING STRATEGY. MAP GOALS, BEHAVIORS, AND QUESTIONS TO REMIND YOU AS THE MEETING UNFOLDS.