CHAPTER FIVE

Charmer Power Plays

When Charmers describe what gets them excited, it tends to sound like a high-stakes game show. The focus is on who’s winning, who’s losing, and where the latest tally of cash and prizes stands. Few things are more engaging than working around a Charmer who’s playing for high stakes. Whether it’s a poker championship in Las Vegas or an investment banking deal on Wall Street, when a seasoned Charmer enters the fray, everyone plays the game at a higher level.

One of the Charmer’s greatest gifts is the ability to shape other people’s perceptions of reality—from peers and colleagues to their top managers. While other types on the grid may consider the Charmer’s talent for “sculpting the facts” to be manipulative and dishonest, from the Charmer’s perspective it’s just common sense. However, what plagues Charmers most on the job is the feedback that is directed their way. Because we have noted that this feedback comes most frequently from peers, our work indicates that managing laterally presents a special challenge for the Charmer.

While they often have some trust issues to work through, the consistent virtue of people with Charmer power genes is their ability to produce top-notch results. They are strategic, thoughtful, and capable of incredible self-control when it comes to getting what they want. If they decide what they want is to improve their operating style with others, they often become dramatic success stories.

When the Charmer Is the Boss

While they are notoriously good rainmakers, Charmers hit their blind spots in managerial positions when they overlook the importance of building strong relationships with subordinates. In their haste to get ahead, Charmers may inadvertently lose the respect of their direct reports either by failing to acknowledge their expertise or by allowing suppressed frustration to seep out in public. Here are some rules of thumb for Charmer managers.

Make Sure Your Subordinates Feel Heard

Charmers must remember to make the time not only to listen to key staff members, but also to make sure these subordinates feel heard. Driven by their desire to advance, Charmers are often guilty of failing to acknowledge people who aren’t senior enough to abruptly change their professional fate. Thus, some Charmers are only dimly aware of the existence of their subordinates until they need something from them. This puts Charmers at risk because they often don’t get the feedback they need from key staff members until it’s too late. As Charmers find the courage to slow down and face the buried feelings that are setting their hectic pace, they gradually learn to communicate more effectively with people at all levels of seniority. As this happens, Charmers not only become aware of the value of their subordinates, they often tend to blossom into valuable mentors.

Get Perspective on the Risks You Are Taking

Charmers have a talent for deflecting people’s attention from unpleasant subjects. Unfortunately for them, Charmers also tend to be good at hiding things from themselves that they’d prefer not to know. Taking risks is one of the main areas where Charmers prefer to operate in the dark. When Charmers isolate themselves, they have a tendency to make plans, assess risks, and prioritize initiatives without consulting others. Depending on the scale of the organization they are working for, this type of detached working style can present a multitude of problems. First, the Charmer who doesn’t run their ideas past key staff members may lose perspective on the magnitude and types of risks they are taking. What’s more, by keeping their team out of the loop, Charmers don’t always have a backup should a project go off the rails. When you share the risk, you also create a group that gets to share the credit. Charmers wise enough to keep others involved learn that sharing credit doesn’t dilute their victory when they place their bets wisely. In fact, it magnifies everyone’s enthusiasm.

Look for Opportunities to Express Sincere Appreciation

This is one of those “new habits” that Charmers need to cultivate through relentless repetition. Because many of them have been conditioned to discount others and look out for themselves, Charmers need to challenge themselves to notice the positive contributions of others. In the early stages of coaching, some Charmers find it helpful to establish a goal of finding two to three staff members a day who they can sincerely thank for the quality of their work. Much as one would go to the gym to exercise a flabby muscle, Charmers must learn to strengthen their capacity for expressing appreciation until it becomes an automatic reflex.

Focus on What’s Best for the Group

Some of the other power types, Inspirers in particular, can only respect a boss who appears to be focused on what they can do for the group—not what the group can do for them. Developing this type of mind-set can be tricky for Charmers. This is because, in childhood, the Charmer’s attention was virtually eclipsed by a needy parent. Admittedly, over time Charmers learned how to “work” (that is, manipulate) this parent, but that doesn’t change the fact that the Charmer’s earliest conditioning caused him or her to view the entire world through the lens of what was needed to keep this caregiver calm. Later in life, on the job, the Charmer often learns to frame challenges in terms of how it affects his or her influence over one person at a time. This is why we frequently hear feedback from frustrated subordinates who claim, “The last person in her office is the one she listens to!” To lead effectively, the Charmer must learn to appreciate how his or her behavior is affecting the group dynamic. This may require sacrificing some influence with selected people in the short term to do what’s best for the group in the long term.

Power Grid Case Study: When Charmers Go It Alone

When Bonnie, a Charmer, was appointed to be the new head of fund-raising for a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping women below the poverty line, she got a hard lesson in how important it is to listen to staff members.

One of the direct reports who Bonnie inherited along with the job was the office manager, Toni, who managed the books for this nonprofit. Toni, a woman of Native American descent, had been the lifeblood of the agency since its inception over a decade ago. Toni was an Inspirer.

Charmers often operate with a hidden agenda. For some, this agenda is so covert that they even manage to hide it from themselves. Bonnie grew up on the wrong side of the tracks in a small town where her brilliant mother never got the chance to pursue her own dreams of having a business and being on the town council. Every night, after Bonnie’s physically exhausted father grunted a few words and fell into bed, her mother kept her up for hours chattering away about how Bonnie needed to remember how important it was to be noticed for her accomplishments in life. Over time, Bonnie internalized the need to live out her mother’s unfulfilled dreams.

While she was throwing parties and networking like crazy to support struggling women, Bonnie’s subliminal agenda was to land a column in a national women’s magazine. In her mind’s eye, Bonnie saw herself becoming a household name through her work with the poor. These daydreams were inspired by her lifelong ambition of having a career in politics. While she wasn’t fully conscious of the connections in her own mind, Bonnie hazily dreamed of using the profile she could build running this nonprofit as a stepping-stone into politics. Driven by her childhood experiences, Bonnie was determined not to let anyone get in her way.

While Bonnie’s internal motives were covert, her external actions were blatant. In her attempt to network her way to the top, Bonnie had been running through the nonprofit organization’s modest budget at an alarming rate.

Bonnie got rather annoyed when Toni kept nagging her about expenses all the time. (Never forget how committed Charmers can be about deflecting attention from what they’d prefer not to face in their organizations and in themselves.) Bonnie was content to watch Toni’s lips move while hitting the “mute” button in her mind because she assumed that once the donations started pouring in, everyone would be happy. Because of her own value system, it didn’t occur to Bonnie that Toni’s commitment to frugality might be based on principle as well as practicality.

While a Charmer boss may think subordinates can’t sense their apathy, Inspirers have a keen sense for when they are being tuned out. What’s worse, once an Inspirer becomes convinced that their boss isn’t listening, they often start planning their exit. If and when the Inspirer actually leaves, the Charmer is often shocked by how strongly other people in the system react to the Inspirer’s departure.

Bonnie was totally unprepared for the crisis that hit her when Toni actually left. With tears in her eyes, one of the office assistants handed Bonnie a small envelope tied with a turquoise ribbon. Inside was Toni’s succinct and gracious resignation. Toni had headed back to her reservation in the mountains of Tennessee for the summer with her son. She was embarking on a vision quest with some of her tribal elders and would not be reachable by phone, Internet, or fax for the next month. Toni ended her note by wishing them all well.

As she scrambled to regroup, Bonnie hired a coach. Her powers of persuasion and survival skills were stretched to the limit as she fought to keep her job.

Bonnie was able to rethink her perspective on the organization’s priorities by studying the power styles of both the Inspirer and the Charmer—thus getting more perspective on her own strengths and looming blind spots. She was forced to rein in her entertainment expenses immediately, and in the course of doing so, she found herself implementing many of Toni’s cost-cutting suggestions.

Through studying the strengths of the Pleaser, Bonnie started working on establishing a sense of presence that made others feel safe enough to share frank feedback with her. Getting this feedback was one thing. Coming to terms with how people actually felt about the way she had been operating was another matter entirely. Perhaps the toughest part of the coaching process for Bonnie was that she was also forced to do some emergency soul-searching as she worked to save her job.

To keep some of the organization’s top donors from jumping ship, Bonnie had to ask for help. This is particularly tough for Charmers, who, as we know, often prefer to go it alone. However, when Bonnie had a frank talk with the remaining staff about how and why she needed their support, they rallied. When some of the staff members made it clear to her that they were supporting the organization and that she was on probation with them, Bonnie shocked them by replying humbly that she understood completely.

In the ensuing months, some important changes took place around Bonnie—and within her. On the outside, once Bonnie’s team realized that she needed them, they began to trust her more. On the inside, Bonnie was no longer using the nonprofit as a stepping-stone to personal fame. Having to rely on others to recover from a professional setback gave Bonnie a personal appreciation of the struggles that many of the impoverished women seeking work were facing when they came to the organization for help. As with many Charmers who apply their talents to higher causes, regaining her professional foothold allowed Bonnie to become a powerful change agent.

When the Charmer Is a Peer

When Charmers are dealing with their peers, they need to remain mindful of their tendency to come across as glib and slick on the outside when their competitive juices start flowing too freely on the inside. The outer battles the Charmer invents with key peers often echo the inner battle playing out between conflicting forces within their personalities. Because Charmers have been acclimated to secrecy and intrigue in their family systems, even simple job challenges can become dramatic when a Charmer enters the fray. The intensity that Charmers exude reflects the friction taking place between the contrasting layers of their personalities. This intensity makes it impossible to ignore Charmers. It also makes it difficult for their peers to relax around them. I’ll mention a few things Charmers should keep in mind to win the hearts and minds of their peers.

Pick Your Battles Carefully

Charmers, particularly those whose ambition is fueled by the need to distract themselves from uncomfortable feelings, can find a myriad of formal and informal ways to compete with their peers. Because they often needed to manipulate their parents to survive emotionally, for some Charmers a nonstop undercurrent of gamesmanship is seething beneath the surface of their professional relationships. This undercurrent of tension can become particularly acute when the Charmer feels that a colleague may be besting them in some way. One clue that a Charmer is feeling threatened is that you can almost set your watch by the consistency of the explosions Charmers will have with a colleague they want to outshine. Until they have explored the reasons they feel compelled to constantly compare themselves with others, Charmers can be fatally attracted to one-upping their most valuable peers. That said, once a Charmer is able to break free from the habit of needing to best others in subtle ways, the energy for constructive change that is released can be formidable. Because the Charmer is no longer distracted by petty dramas, their strategic potential is freed up to focus on the big picture. Charmers who have reconditioned themselves to pick their battles wisely make powerful business alliances and tend to rise to the top of their organizations.

Don’t Underestimate Your Colleagues

Underestimating a peer can be a dangerous career move for a Charmer. Because they were falsely empowered by a needy parent, Charmers are often lulled into believing that they are superior to their colleagues. Nobody is saying the Charmer isn’t smart. However, as one frustrated peer put it to a Charmer in a management meeting, “Nobody’s claiming that you aren’t the smartest person in the room. What we are are saying is that the rest of us aren’t as dumb as you think we are.” Charmers must remember that they don’t have the leverage in the workplace to emotionally manipulate their peers that they may have had with a needy parent. Thus, Charmers managing laterally need to keep their egos in check.

Be Prepared for Direct Confrontation

Since Charmers often grew up accustomed to covert guerrilla warfare, they may be caught off guard by the more direct power plays other power types invoke to protect their turf or establish their superiority. This is a particularly important point when the Charmer’s peer is a Commander. Both the Charmer and the Commander rely heavily on their respective images to move up in the workplace. However, the image the Charmer projects often rests largely on personal mystique, while the image of the Commander has often been more patiently established to ensure that the full force of the system rests behind it. When the Charmer encounters a Commander, it can be a golden opportunity to learn to operate more powerfully on the job. Going head-to-head with a Commander often involves fighting a fair fight in the clear light of day. By practicing the art of direct confrontation, Charmers can learn to believe in their cause and in themselves at a deeper level.

Know When to Turn the Charm Off

To establish trust with peers who are interacting with them on a regular basis, Charmers sometimes have to drop the act and just get real. This can be a challenge for Charmers who feel compelled to manage others’ perceptions of them as carefully as possible. Because of their tendency to be self-protective on the job, Charmers often believe that strategy is far more important than social interaction with their peers. As a result, when a colleague tries to take a minute to “chat” with a Charmer, the Charmer’s mind often explodes with a laundry list of more pressing matters. However, it’s in precisely these less structured moments that the Charmer may get the opportunity to build the professional alliances necessary to see some of their more ambitious plans through to completion.

Power Grid Case Study: A Charmer Learns to Collaborate

Pete (a Charmer) and Ted (a Commander) are both aspiring foreign exchange traders who’ve gotten their first shot at management during their firm’s recent reorganization. Unfortunately, since they’ve been thrust together as coheads, the opportunity is a challenge for them on multiple levels. These two had never been fond of each other, but because they both maintained an upbeat “game face” for senior management, their superiors had no idea of the can of worms that had been opened by thrusting these men into a forced collaboration.

Pete had been isolating himself for most of his life. The only child from a privileged family, Pete grew up in the eye of a social hurricane. Both of Pete’s parents came from old money, and both of them got bored easily—especially with each other. His mother and father both had a steady stream of extramarital affairs, and, while they never formally divorced, they began to live separately while Pete was still in grammar school.

By his early teens, Pete was so weary of feeling like a pawn in his parents’ never-ending romantic games that he began to retreat into books and puzzles to find some peace. In school, Pete was considered a math prodigy. He effortlessly made top marks, and in spite of the fact that he had little patience for networking and interviewing, his academic honors won him several top job offers upon graduation.

As the most profitable trader on the desk, Pete was furious about the cohead arrangement because he felt that the job was rightfully his. Here’s where Pete lost perspective. First, many people in the department hated his arrogance. Pete didn’t know this, of course, because, like many Charmers, he didn’t get the feedback he needed to be objective about how others experienced his behavior. Second, one of the secrets of Pete’s profitability was that he occasionally operated outside his trading limits. Pete didn’t think anyone knew about this.

Ted knew.

Ted had been getting an earful for years from demoralized traders who were sick of Pete’s constant reminders that he was the best trader on the desk. What was even more dangerous, Ted also knew that Pete didn’t have any kind of consistent model for his trading style. Pete operated by the seat of his pants. In the current risk environment, senior management would be terrified if they realized this. What’s more, like many Charmers, Pete had become so conditioned to seek advantage any way he could that he had been hiding the magnitude of the risks he was taking, even from himself.

Pete got really nervous when he realized that Ted, with the support of senior management, was working on a departmental overview of all their risk management systems. Pete had no “system.” What he had were great gut instincts and warm personal chats with their bosses that, together, kept people from sticking their noses into how he was producing those stellar returns.

To save his career, and the firm’s reputation, Pete was going to have to build a better rapport with Ted. Since Ted was a Commander, this was going to take more than a warm smile and a pat on the back at the local pub. Pete, who had gotten away with operating as a lone wolf for most of his career, reached out for coaching to get the tools he needed to collaborate with Ted.

Pete started studying the power style of the Commander so he could deal more directly with Ted. He swallowed his pride and set up a series of meetings with Ted to face the inevitable. In the process of conferring openly with Ted on how they could work together to create a more reliable risk management system, Pete made an important discovery. As he changed his behavior and began to treat Ted with more respect on the outside, his inner attitude toward Ted began to improve as well.

Much to his surprise, Pete found that he actually enjoyed studying the power style of the Commander. Looking at the situation through the lens of what was best for the firm, rather than what was best for his own pocketbook, gave Pete a new perspective on an old challenge. Pete, who had always loved puzzles, quickly came to the conclusion that creating a new risk management system was much more exciting than gaming the old one that he had been outsmarting for years.

Pete and Ted both gradually developed a grudging respect for one another. As they learned to trust each other’s judgment, they also came to the mutual conclusion that it was easier to cohead than it might have been for either of them to run the department alone.

When the Charmer Is a Subordinate

Charmers have learned to equate emotional survival with staying in control of the people who are supposed to be in control of them. Since Charmers are often fearful that any person or group with authority over them will drain their emotional energy the way a needy parent did in their childhood, they consider staying in control to be a matter of self-preservation. As they cultivate the balance necessary to give to others without losing themselves, Charmers become less defensive around authority figures.

Don’t Make Promises You Can’t Keep

Charmers need to establish realistic expectations in terms of what they are accountable for that they can stick to long term. This is particularly important when the Charmer is getting to know a new boss. Since they learned how to play up to authority figures early in life, they often go through a honeymoon period with a new superior. During the initial phase of this new relationship, Charmers lavish the boss with attention and try to learn everything they can. What Charmers are often trying to learn is how to put together a strategy that will eventually enable them to get the most credit for the least amount of work. Unfortunately, as the boss gets seduced by all this attention, they may assume that the Charmer will always be at their beck and call. If the Charmer doesn’t stick to their day job, they may risk getting burned out.

Come Clean When You Make a Mistake

Rules are merely suggestions for the Charmer who secretly thinks he or she is smarter than the rule makers. If their caregivers were ineffective disciplinarians, the Charmer may have been set up to fail later in life. One of the primary ways they fail is by underestimating the people around them and trying to deflect blame rather than facing the consequences when they are at fault. The longer this goes on, and the subtler it is, the harder it can be on the Charmer’s career momentum. Charmers shouldn’t assume that just because their boss doesn’t say anything about a matter they have tried to sweep under the rug, the problem hasn’t been noticed. In many cases, Charmers discover that their superiors have been keeping a careful tally of their unacknowledged errors. It’s best for Charmers to learn to come clean with managers when they’ve made a significant mistake, and address how they’ll solve the problem at hand.

Be Prepared for Concrete Consequences

Once Charmers have left the overly forgiving arms of a needy caregiver, they must accept that they will face concrete consequences for performance slips. This is particularly true in the workplace. When Charmers end up reporting to a boss who expects them to respect authority and play by the rules, those who grew up without being held accountable are sometimes caught off guard. Professional accountability sets the bar way above the comfort zone of those Charmers who learned in childhood to manipulate authority figures and bend the rules to suit themselves. Suddenly, when they don’t play by the rules, Charmers find that they are being passed over for promotion, left off key projects, and even getting their pay docked. The good news here is that when they accept that it’s in their best interest to comply, Charmers are remarkably quick learners and will fall into line accordingly. What’s more, when experiencing discipline increases their respect for their boss, Charmers will often start to outperform to get the relationship with their superior back on track.

Learn to Listen to Those with Authentic Power

Charmers are often surprised to realize that a boss who forces them to stop cutting corners and calls them on the carpet when they are not doing their best work can have a positive and powerful ability to motivate them. The secret to this is simple. Although Charmers were falsely empowered by a needy parent, like all of us they long to be part of something greater than themselves. We all want to believe in something or someone. Charmers had difficulty believing in their caregivers because their caregivers often didn’t believe in themselves. Authentic leaders can come from any quadrant on the Power Grid, and we believe in them because they hold themselves accountable, they hold us accountable, and they hold on to the vision the organization is focused on achieving. Once they learn to listen to an authentic leader, even the evasive Charmer begins to feel the stirrings of something noble being activated within them.

Power Grid Case Study: A Charmer Learns to Calibrate Expectations

We’ll return to the story of Dave, a Charmer who is the general manager of a restaurant and resort, and his boss, Bryan, a Pleaser. By revisiting the story, this time from the Charmer’s perspective, you’ll see how people with opposing power styles can interpret the same situation quite differently.

Bryan inherited his family’s business and is counting on Dave to make the tough business decisions and keep the staff in line. As is frequently the case when the Charmer is a subordinate, the beginning of Dave and Bryan’s working relationship felt like a whirlwind courtship. Dave sparkled in the interview process, and nothing seemed like too much for him during his first six months on the job. He reviewed the budget, rearranged the responsibilities of key staff members, and even revamped the resort’s advertising campaign. In the course of these achievements, he managed to convince his boss and the rest of the staff that the place couldn’t run without him.

Dave, who basically felt he had landed a dream job, was surprised when, after the first six months, he realized that Bryan’s calls and meeting requests were starting to irritate him. After all, Dave was working for a Pleaser who basically let him run things his own way as long as they had some brainstorming sessions. Charmers, who are often loners at heart, long for a job where they can operate as autonomously as possible. Logically, Dave felt that the personal chats Bryan craved should have been a small price to pay for the independence he was being given, but like many Charmers who begin to isolate themselves on the job, Dave didn’t understand the emotions that were driving him.

Unfortunately, Bryan, like many Pleasers, was a man who felt entitled to share his emotional problems along with his professional visions once he felt he had “connected” with a colleague. Pleasers often assume that sharing personal feelings brings people closer. However, Charmers struggle with a self-protective instinct that can border on a phobia when it comes to their fear of being emotionally engulfed by a needy authority figure.

Suddenly, Dave couldn’t bear to get out of bed on Monday morning to face another minute of Bryan’s yammering about his problems with his wife, his problems with the staff, or his personal take on anything. Dave began coming into work late, sneaking around to avoid Bryan, and doing everything he could to not have to deal with his boss.

While Charmers don’t trust easily, they often have an inner circle of family and close friends in their lives who they rely on consistently. One person who helped Dave through this tough spot was his best friend from college, John. When John came by Dave’s house to pick him up for dinner one night, he found Dave holed up in his home office, considering new job opportunities. “What’s the problem, Dave?” John asked with obvious concern. “I thought you loved this job.” When Dave was able to articulate his concerns to his friend, John pointed out a connection that saved Dave’s job and potentially his career. “Of course Bryan is getting to you,” John told him thoughtfully. “He’s acting just like your mother.” Dave’s mother, who was an emotionally needy drinker, used to drain Dave with her endless demands for emotional support. The helplessness Dave felt as a child caused him to operate at the fear-based extreme of the y-axis. By identifying this connection, John made it possible for Dave to set the professional boundaries he needed to continue to function in a job he loved.

The self-identified Charmers I’ve worked with have frequently told me that reading about the power style of Pleasers has helped them understand why it’s so critical to set up realistic expectations with their boss. While personal chats with the boss may help the Charmer land a job or secure a promotion, such a practice also establishes a standard of availability that the Charmer may come to resent down the line. To maximize their power and not flame out, Charmers need to train their boss (and themselves) to set sustainable norms for the long term.

Conclusion

Charmers who take the time to do sincere soul-searching can blossom into captivating change agents. Our clients who analyze the biographies of leaders such as John F. Kennedy, Maya Angelou, and Henry Ford are surprised to learn how many people who have changed the face of our world grew up in what could be characterized as a Charmer family system.

The trick to working with Charmers is getting past their defenses so you can persuade them to focus their talents on the greater good. Whether you suspect you might be a Charmer or you might be working with one, it’s important to remember that the door to self-examination opens from the inside. As far as the Charmer and personal growth are concerned, you can’t rush them, you can’t bribe them, and it’s pretty hard to scare them. That said, when they finally make the decision to look within, you can’t stop them. When a Charmer is ready to grow, they tend to become powerful forces for good, and they usually bring the rest of us right along with them.