CHAPTER ONE
Discovering Your Power Genes
Even the most talented and skilled professionals among us often don’t grasp how to navigate the power dynamics that play out in many business situations.
As an executive coach, I’ve spent the last decade listening to the private thoughts and concerns of people on the cutting edge in business when it comes to the topic of power. Working with clients from around the world has taught me that, whether it’s a CEO worried about being unseated by an aggressive board member or a business head trying to fend off the need to downsize hardworking employees, it simply isn’t enough to try to help people think more strategically when power is on the line.
We’ve all seen it: the brilliant and highly trained business leader who bungles power. Not only does he or she fall from grace, but the fortunes of numerous colleagues whose livelihoods were tied to this leader hit the rocks as well. In hindsight, it seems unfathomable that someone so experienced and intelligent would make such a glaring misstep. It’s as if this individual’s ability to think logically were temporarily suspended. Many of us are glued to the headlines when this type of story breaks because we suspect that, embedded within the drama, there is a lesson—and an opportunity—here for all of us. It’s not only titans at the top that have a lot to learn about the dynamics of power.
My experience has taught me that the way we wield and respond to power is not dictated by logic. Our instincts stem from how we were conditioned in the first system we experienced in life—our family system.
Whether you are trying to land a job or persuade an elusive client to pay an overdue bill, many of the reactions you have on the job stem from your automatic instincts around power. Our “power genes” kick in faster than the speed of thought. These automatic reactions, which in extreme situations can cause you to come across as either a dictator or a doormat, are rooted in behaviors you internalized when you were trying to get what you wanted as a child, long before you developed the capacity for individual discernment. A deeper understanding of power genes will enable you to deal more effectively with difficult people in the workplace and determine whether or not you can thrive in your current professional environment.
Managing power successfully requires a commitment. You can read about riding a motorcycle, and you can even watch movies and advertisements featuring other people riding, but you don’t really know what it’s all about until you get on the bike yourself. In a similar manner, learning to operate more powerfully on the job can’t just be studied—it’s something you learn by doing.
The power types I’ll introduce in this book, the corresponding blind spots, and the reconditioning process I’ll describe in chapter 10 will give you the insights and the action plan you need to become a more consistently powerful professional. Armed with this greater understanding of your own nature, you can learn to either leverage or bypass your power genes in order to be more effective and successful. With this enhanced awareness of what motivates your behavior, you have it within your reach to change and improve how you act in stressful situations. As you’ll see, consciously managing your innate tendencies can be truly empowering.
A New Way of Looking at Power
My interest in family therapy began to blossom, of all places, on a Wall Street trading floor. During my previous career as a portfolio manager, I had experienced many moments when information was shared, and power was gained or lost, due to how people handled themselves in relation to the group energy created within their organizations. Noting when and why people did things that appeared to be at odds with their individual values due to pressure from their systems became a habit for me. At a Scudder, Stevens & Clark board meeting in New York, when the discussion turned to our search for an external hire to fill an important post, one of my colleagues whispered to me, “They can put Gandhi in that role, and if the system doesn’t change, Gandhi will start acting crazy.” As my fascination with the rise and fall of people in different systems began to eclipse my fascination with the rise and fall of assets in different markets, I eventually decided to leave financial services and pursue the training necessary to help people maximize their power on the job as well as their profit in the market.
My first book, The Authentic Career, gave readers a process for exploring the ways that their definitions of success, as well as the amount of money they needed to feel financially secure, were influenced by the values of their caregivers, siblings, lovers, and friends.1 The popularity of this approach for clarifying the difference between your genuine desires and the goals others have suggested you “should” pursue gave me the opportunity to work with thousands of clients from around the world. Over the next several years, clients began to share with me how their family systems had not only influenced their career choices, but also shaped the ways they were conditioned to handle power struggles on the job.
Comparing my clients’ early relationships with authority figures in their families with the relationships these same clients were having with authority figures in their current jobs unearthed some important trends. As I examined the patterns that recurred across different client groups, my findings became the basis for the Power Grid I introduce in this book.
We all have power genes, and they influence our behavior every day. Having won two Lipper Awards for excellence in portfolio management, I know that there is no substitute for good research when it comes to understanding an investment. Likewise, I’ve found that our personal success can be enhanced by uncovering how our personal relationship with power on the job mimics the power dynamics experienced in our family system.
The roots of family therapy stem from research in the field of biology. In 1945, Austrian-born biologist Ludwig von Bertalanffy presented his General Systems Theory. Bertalanffy’s work was originally intended to explain the interrelatedness of organisms in ecosystems. However, after the world wars, anthropologists such as Margaret Mead and Gregory Bateson began applying these principles to social systems and postulating that interactive patterns among people should become a central focus for the study of human development. Prior to this, the dominant thinking in this sphere was led by therapists such as Sigmund Freud and Carl Rogers, who focused on working with people individually and isolating them from destructive family influences.
By the 1960s, systems theory had become so widely accepted in the social sciences that it was evolving into a new branch of psychotherapy, and family systems theory was born. Virginia Satir expanded on the concept of how individuals behave and communicate in groups by describing several roles she believed were characteristic in most family systems, including the hero, the scapegoat, and the lost child. By the 1970s, family systems theory had become so widely accepted that psychoanalyst Nathan Ackerman was able to found an institute dedicated to this approach. I had the pleasure of studying at the Ackerman Institute in the 1990s.
According to the classical family systems theory as defined by pioneers in this field such as Salvador Minuchin, the parents define the core subsystem of authority in any family.2 As children are born, the family expands and sibling subsystems evolve. The flow of power throughout the family system is modeled by the way that the parents share power with one another. When parents are able to resolve conflicts fairly within their own subsystem, and then model the spirit of mutual respect and healthy compromise for their children, the archetypal family system where power is dealt with in a healthy manner is established. However, whenever children’s needs are either underemphasized or overemphasized, and particularly in situations where children get inadvertently dragged into power struggles between their parents, less functional patterns for giving and taking power may be internalized.
What experience has taught me is that these less functional patterns for getting what we want and need don’t just play themselves out on the schoolyard; they live on inside all of us and eventually play themselves out on the job. When a manager’s negative or ineffective behavior is triggered by a high-stress relationship or situation on the job, the internal response—whether driven by trust or fear—is often rooted in the conditioned responses learned in the family system. When we view our professional style conflicts through the lens of the family framework, we develop empathy and insight into our own and others’ behavior.
As we watch the rise and fall of public figures such as Bernie Madoff and Eliot Spitzer, we realize that no amount of influence over others can make up for a lack of insight into our own psyches. How could these men have gained so much power over others but lost so much power over themselves? Did their respective addictions to material gain and high-risk sexual encounters stem from the fact that they didn’t feel as powerful on the inside as they tried to look on the outside? To what extent did their early experiences in their family systems contribute to their ability to rationalize their high-risk behavior? Did they think they were above the law, or were they replaying behavior they had seen modeled in their family systems? While these are admittedly sensational examples, they emphasize a vital point about power: it is through achieving a balance between the behavior we employ to control people and situations outside us and the emotional forces driving us from within that authentic power is established and maintained.
Many of us lose our sense of balance around power in more subtle ways. Perhaps we become overly focused on gaining another’s approval or fall into a pattern of micromanagement under stress. Whatever your pattern is, understanding how the early conditioning you experienced in your family system has shaped your response to power can prepare you to weather stressful situations without risking your reputation, your marriage, and, ultimately, your financial security.
A Few Words About Words
For the purposes of this book, I’m defining power as the ability to chart your own professional course rather than having this direction dictated to you by forces beyond your control. This definition has implications for your relationships with others, your contract with the organizations you join, and even how you feel about yourself.
As far as your relationship with yourself is concerned, this use of power denotes the strength to distinguish your true values and intentions from the objectives endorsed by the various influencers that are around you. In terms of your relationships with others, power used in this context indicates the ability to deal with conflict in a way that fortifies your personal integrity rather than diminishing it. Finally, this definition of power denotes the ability to actively support organizations and situations that reinforce your core values and, when necessary, to make a break with those that don’t.
As we shall see, when it comes to power, the most important conflicts we have in business are often the conflicts we have within ourselves. By coming to understand the roots of our style differences, what I call our power genes, each of us can learn to operate more powerfully on the job.
Since the term power genes builds from this definition of power, it also has tripartite implications. This book employs the term power genes to refer to the conditioned responses, both emotional and behavioral, that an individual has internalized based on ongoing exposure to the operating style of the authority figures in his or her family.
Genes, which we are born with, can be recessive or dominant, depending on a complex maze of factors. Since the word genes semantically plays to the biological nature we are born with, this word is not meant to be interpreted in isolation or taken literally. Our use of the term power genes relates to how each of us was nurtured. This book refers explicitly to the ways that our most primal responses concerning power were habitually reinforced by the caregivers who raised us. Like genes, these conditioned responses are often passed on unconsciously from one family generation to the next. As you will see, understanding the notion and dynamics of power genes can serve as an effective metaphor for how you have been emotionally and behaviorally conditioned—keeping in mind the obvious limitations of the terminology. The ways that your power genes influence your relationships and dictate how well you “fit” in a particular organization are the main topics of this book.
The Power Grid
To understand power at a basic level, it’s important to understand the building blocks that we all draw from. These are our internal emotional drives and the external behavior we exhibit in the world around us. Both have their genesis in the ways we were conditioned to get what we wanted in our family systems.
The Power Grid
I’ve found that an individual’s relationship with power predominantly falls into one of four categories. These categories can be sorted according to the simple two-by-two matrix in figure 1–1.
Understanding the Y-Axis
The y-axis measures our emotional reflexes, which can range from seeking trust at one end of the spectrum to reacting out of fear at the other. These reflexes, which kick in faster than the speed of thought, are emotionally hardwired into us based on our early experiences with the authority figures who raised us.
People who operate near the trust end of the spectrum a high percentage of the time tend to comply when they feel included and appreciated. A trust-based power style is defined by a tendency to seek other’s opinions and strive for consensus—even if reaching consensus is time consuming. Energy and attention flow openly between people when trust-based power is invoked. People who operate at this far extreme of the y-axis often struggle with logic as they have a tendency to personalize professional issues. Unless they are able to separate their need for validation from their professional responsibilities, they are often unable to perform at their peak.
In contrast, people who operate near the fear end of the y-axis invoke a power style characterized by a tendency to avoid full disclosure, to foster a sense of urgency, and to establish an imbalance of power. Energy and attention flow as commanded when fear-based power is invoked. People who operate at the fear-based extreme of the y-axis often struggle with nuance. Unless they are given clear-cut directions and formal orders, plus consequences for noncompliance, they often aren’t motivated to perform.
To see how the y-axis affects how we both give and take power, consider the classic example of the commanding colleague who likes to believe he deals with power in an inspirational manner. When he gets feedback, he is baffled by how many of his reports claim they are intimidated by him and are reluctant to be candid with him about business challenges in a timely manner. If he is operating near the fear-based extreme of the y-axis, he will have a naturally higher tolerance for confrontation and aggression than others whose family systems might map them closer to the trust end of the y-axis. Thus, in terms of how this individual responds to power, it will take a strong sense of urgency to get his attention. In terms of how he wields power, he may honestly believe that he is being diplomatic, while many people who work with him may experience his behavior as unpleasantly direct.
Understanding the X-Axis
The x-axis of the Power Grid characterizes the behavioral style that an individual gravitates toward to influence others. People who operate near the informal end of the x-axis have a preference for one-on-one interactions with others to get what they want. Individuals who gravitate toward the informal end of the x-axis often got their needs met early in life by making an individual appeal to one of the authority figures in their family system. On the job, these individuals tend to echo what worked for them early in life by establishing a preference for individual meetings and one-on-one conversations when dealing with anything from a strategic brainstorming session to a marketing pitch.
In contrast, people who operate near the formal end of the x-axis have a natural tendency to work with systems to further their ambitions. People who gravitate toward the formal end of the x-axis often developed a flair for tapping into the group energy of their family system to get their needs met. As I explained in my first book, The Authentic Career, group energy can be thought of as the way that the dominant thought patterns and associated reactions established by the most influential members of any system work together to create an emotional tone that establishes its own distinct energy. In the family system, we can work with group energy by getting the support of our siblings or managing the airwaves between our parents. On the job, whether they are invoking their credentials or their seniority or even drawing on the natural charisma they exude in front of an audience or group, individuals who operate at the formal end of the x-axis have a tendency to think in terms of how the group is going to react as they seek to realize their ambitions.
One point worth noting is that if you have seniority within an organization, by virtue of your job description you will be required to deal with group energy more than someone who doesn’t have the responsibility of numerous reports. So it may seem as if people who are in positions of seniority in an organization have more “formal” power because they are required to tap into the group to execute their job requirements. This point illustrates why it can be important to beware of snap judgments in terms of how you categorize your own power style or that of someone you work with. For example, some people in senior management roles are uncomfortable dealing with groups and, as a result, struggle with business situations where a more formal power style is required. Such senior executives may be terrific rainmakers if they are able to close deals in one-on-one settings with important clients. However, if these same senior executives struggle with a tendency to isolate and don’t stay plugged in to the day in and day out nuances of what’s going on with the group energy of people who report to them, they can find management responsibilities challenging.
The Power Quadrants
The Power Grid, which is the result of combining the x- and y-axes described above, provides a framework to understand the interplay of your internal emotional reflexes and your external behavioral preferences. Mapping yourself on the Power Grid not only enhances your awareness of how your early conditioning may be affecting your current behavior on the job, it also clarifies why people operating from other quadrants on the grid might respond favorably to your power style—or not. Clarifying the quadrant or quadrants you operate from most frequently can give you the insight you need to deal with difficult people and situations more powerfully and move ahead on the job.
The Pleaser
As we examine the power style of the Pleaser, we will consider individuals who have honed their ability to make others feel good about themselves but struggle with an ongoing hunger for validation and approval. Pleasers rarely make the headlines because they are so busy supporting those around them—often at their own expense. However, as we consider the background of Cynthia Cooper, a whistle-blower at WorldCom, we will watch what happens as a Pleaser’s innate drive to take care of the details others may overlook causes her to unearth something that ultimately forces her to break ranks and risk the disapproval of the authority figures in her corporate system.
Pleasers operate near the trust-based end of the y-axis because they are constantly looking to others to validate them.
Behaviorally, Pleasers prefer one-on-one interactions. After all, when you deal with groups, you might have to risk the disapproval of someone, and Pleasers want everyone to like them. The preference for individual interactions puts Pleasers at the informal end of the x-axis. As we examine the power style of the Pleaser more thoroughly in chapters 2 and 3, we will see how the sense of scarcity that Pleasers grow up with fosters the emotional and behavioral triggers that compel them to operate from this quadrant under pressure.
The Charmer
The power style of the Charmer exemplifies people who project an image that is able to both seduce and intimidate others. Charmers hide behind their images because early childhood experiences have made it difficult for them to trust others. As we reflect on the rise, fall, and rebound of Darryl Strawberry, we will see how some Charmers will go to such extreme lengths to run from their inner demons that even they aren’t aware of what’s driving them.
Charmers exude an emotional intensity that keeps everyone around them slightly anxious. Due to the emotional tone they convey, Charmers operate near the fear-based end of the y-axis.
Behaviorally, Charmers find it easier to seduce and/or manipulate others by approaching people individually. If they were dealing with a group, their talent for selectively conveying information or creating private alliances might unravel. Thus, Charmers operate at the informal end of the x-axis. As we take a closer look at the Charmer’s power style in chapters 4 and 5, we will explore the ways that Charmers have become falsely empowered in their family systems. The emotional and behavioral triggers that condition a Charmer are often unconsciously fostered by a caregiver who needed the young Charmer to “parent” them.
The Commander
The Commander exemplifies the power style that is most commonly associated with the military, leaders of industry, and heads of state. While the Commander’s ability to take charge decisively often garners widespread admiration, they are often gripped by the fear of losing control. One of America’s most well-known CEOs, Jack Welch, provides a rich example of the possibilities and challenges inherent in this traditional leadership style.
Commanders, who feel anxious about anything that might prevent them from being in charge at all times, operate near the fear-based end of the y-axis.
Behaviorally, Commanders are constantly evaluating where they fall within the hierarchy of their system. Their innate skill for dealing with groups, and their penchant for constantly assessing their own standing within the group, causes them to operate at the formal end of the x-axis. As we explore the power style of the Commander in chapters 6 and 7, we will see how the emotional and behavioral triggers that condition Commanders get forged in hierarchical family systems, where power is always related to your place in the pecking order.
The Inspirer
The Inspirer exemplifies star power in action. The Inspirer is able to tap into the deep longing we all have to find a sense of meaning through supporting something greater than ourselves. That said, the Inspirer can get derailed when his or her vision for the future eclipses a realistic appreciation of the tactical dangers in the present. As we consider the metamorphosis of Jimmy Carter from president of the United States to his current role as a thought leader and humanitarian, we can see how the same idealism that undermined his political career served to fortify his commitment to building a sustainable platform for serving the American people.
Inspirers, examined in chapters 8 and 9, are emotionally drawn to support a cause that they consider greater than themselves. Their faith in this cause, and their support of others who share their sense of commitment, causes them to operate near the trust-based end of the y-axis.
Behaviorally, Inspirers operate with a sense of ease with people from all walks of life. The natural charisma they exude in any group puts them at the formal end of the x-axis. As we examine the family background of the Inspirer, we will see how the emotional and behavioral triggers that condition someone to operate from this quadrant are fostered in a system where spontaneity is valued over structure and creativity is considered more important than conformity.
Pros and Cons of the Quadrant Approach
The way each quadrant has been titled is intended as a teaching device to help personify the way that the emotional and behavioral forces come together to exemplify a particular power style. Like any teaching device, naming these quadrants has pros and cons.
The downside of personifying the quadrants is that some readers may misunderstand this attempt to breathe life into these four power styles and make the snap judgment that we are trying to categorize people based on emotional and behavioral triggers. Beware of the pitfall of categorizing too starkly your own power style or that of someone you are dealing with. The purpose of this framework is to begin an important dialogue concerning the building blocks of power we all have at our disposal. A deeper insight into the many ways power can be wielded can free us to operate with more agility and draw from a wider range of strategic responses at important turning points in our lives and careers.
Many clients have told us that working with the Power Grid has helped them incorporate other models and tools, such as Myers-Briggs, more comprehensively. For example, while Myers-Briggs gives people a valuable snapshot of their most predominant operating style, it provides little insight into how an individual’s personal history will allow them to optimize this style. By using the Power Grid in conjunction with tools such as Myers-Briggs, you’ll gain a deeper insight into how your personal history has shaped many of your habitual responses. Through developing a deeper understanding of the roots of your habitual reactions, you’ll be able to incorporate the results of other well-known standardized testing tools into an action plan for developing more agile and effective responses on the job.
As you develop a fuller sense of how the quadrants on the Power Grid are defined, bear in mind that the quadrant that you or one of your colleagues operates from most of the time is not a reflection of morals. There are no “good” or “bad” quadrants. Each has its virtues and its blind spots, and each style on the grid has important lessons to help us all become more conscious of how power plays can work themselves out between different types of people in the workplace. As you study these contrasting power styles, you will gradually become more facile working with a framework that doesn’t stop at how you think about critical situations; the Power Grid helps you dig deeper to explore the automatic reactions that kick in on the job when you are too anxious, or possibly too exhausted, to think at all.
As a framework, the Power Grid is intended to help us all begin an important conversation with ourselves. It is not the first or the last word on the subject. As important as this framework has been for my clients, a myriad of additional factors—ranging from an individual’s level of personal wealth to their physical beauty or even their biochemical disposition—can add dimensions to this framework. What’s more, as you will see throughout this book, the Power Grid itself was created by taking some of the core concepts developed by talented family systems practitioners and applying them in a coaching capacity to the most common challenges people encounter in professional systems.
As we reflect on the most common career challenges we tend to face, it’s important to note that the quadrant in which you operate depends on the situation you are facing. Many of us can operate from more than one quadrant in the course of a given day. For example, a CEO who operates from the Commander quadrant and rules with an iron fist with his executive committee may find himself operating from the Pleaser quadrant and walking on eggshells with an important board member.
Through an honest self-evaluation, described in chapter 10, of how the patterns that operated in your family system influence where you may fall on this grid, you will learn to master the challenges presented by your current blind spots around power—and also clarify how others give and take power in your presence.
Common Concerns
Before exploring the individual power styles in more detail throughout this book, I’ll mention the three common concerns I’ve encountered when teaching people how to use this framework.
How Much Time Will This Take?
Many clients are concerned that this type of personal evaluation will take too much time. Some have confessed that they associate self-examination with spending countless hours in therapy and that the time commitment is not a realistic option for them.
The good news is that the Power Grid framework can be put into practice quickly and can have a positive impact on the countless hours you already devote to relational challenges on the job. What’s more, many people report that this process works fast because it helps them clarify what, deep down, they have already suspected to be true about themselves. Many of us spend a tremendous amount of energy filtering out information that would upset the balance of power as it was initially established in our family systems. Working with the Power Grid helps you take your inner operating system off automatic pilot so you can reconnect with your genuine instincts and trust them to guide you. Clients who are initially the most guarded are frequently the same ones who report being amazed at how quickly this framework has helped them strengthen their power base on the job.
Will This Make Me Uncomfortable?
Some clients tell me they are reluctant to try this because looking within is just too painful. Many of them have spent years arming themselves with excuses and social distractions to avoid the pain of dealing with the feelings associated with their past. They believe that they will be more comfortable if they keep their personal feelings and their professional behavior in separate camps.
One reason I created this framework is that, in my experience, it’s virtually impossible to separate who you are as a person from how you operate as a professional. In addition, it’s far less painful to confront head-on the way that our past conditioning may be influencing our professional effectiveness than to stay trapped in cycles of self-defeating behavior.
If This Works, Why Aren’t We Already Doing It?
Finally, many clients have asked me why this technique, if it’s so effective, isn’t being put into practice in a more widespread way in the workplace.
The number one reason people are reluctant to get to the root of what is sabotaging their relationship with power is that they are afraid they can’t change. Who wants to nail the root causes of why they are being underpaid or operating ineffectively as a manager if they feel they can’t fix the problem once they have identified it?
The main reason I’ve taken the insights from our corporate workshops and put them into a book is that, having helped numerous clients navigate this framework, I’ve seen how consistently people operate far more powerfully by understanding these principles. It’s frequently the clients who protest, “That’s just the way I am, I can’t change!” who are the most relieved to discover that we can all change the way we’ve been conditioned to respond to power, once we learn the root causes of our automatic responses.
How Power Genes Play Out on the Job
The case study of Larry illustrates how power genes can influence career momentum.
The head of corporate communications for an investment firm, Larry had built his power base on the strong relationships he had developed with business journalists—they kept his firm’s name out of the headlines when the news was bad, and made sure his organization was mentioned when upbeat stories were featured. As a reward for his success, the CEO of the firm was considering promoting Larry to partner. Since no one from corporate communications had been elevated to this level of seniority in the past, Larry would need to be informally vetted by the other partners at the firm to make sure that he “fit in” at the senior executive level.
Larry was elated. He was also terrified. This potential promotion thrust Larry into the spotlight on the job in a way that made him feel extremely self-conscious.
While Larry had extensive experience coaching the existing senior partners to talk to reporters, he felt as tongue-tied as a new kid on the first day of school when it came to the endless small talk and informal bonding necessary to establish himself as an insider among the senior partners at his firm. What was his task? Where were the formal instructions to show him what he needed to do? When the CEO drew him into an informal chat with some of the other senior partners at an off-site breakfast meeting, Larry could feel his power draining away. To prove he was worthy of the attention of the leaders surrounding him, he started babbling anxiously about his latest media campaign.
Power is often established in the informal moments between people, where there is no official script to follow. After a few awkward conversations with the other partners, where the CEO was forced to throw Larry a conversational life preserver to keep him from drowning, Larry realized he needed to do something fast. If he didn’t, he risked being passed over because he couldn’t manage to set the tone expected of senior leaders in the firm.
Initially, Larry was skeptical when I suggested we look at how his pattern of losing power in informal networking situations might be connected to experiences from his family system. He half jokingly tried to brush me off by saying, “Look, I’ve been in therapy. We don’t have time for this. I have a promotion on the line, and the clock is ticking.” That said, once Larry admitted that he couldn’t seem to “think” his way out of this problem, he began to accept that the reason he was losing power might not be rooted in logic—it might be rooted in conditioning.
How Family History Codes Our Power Genes
Larry’s father, Seth, was a mechanic who supported his family by running his own car repair business. His mother, Bethany, was trained as an accountant and kept the books for his father’s business. Larry’s parents worked hard to make ends meet and to pull together to deal with life’s challenges.
The biggest challenge the family faced during Larry’s childhood was his older brother, Craig, who started out as a top student and athlete and then fell from grace when he got involved with drugs and alcohol. Over time, the family system began to revolve around whether Craig was in or out of jail and how they were going to find the funds to get Craig into the next rehab.
The pressure Larry felt to make sure his family “looked good” on the outside as the strain of Craig’s mounting problems grew on the inside transformed Larry into a skilled “spin doctor” at an early age. His family’s central challenge became the genesis of some of Larry’s most powerful skills. To keep the tension manageable when Craig was in crisis, Larry learned how to field calls from concerned school officials, medical professionals, and even curious relatives when his parents were too overwhelmed with their own grief to communicate with the outside world.
When it came to his role in the family system, Larry was transformed into a caretaker as well as a communicator. He paid a high price learning how to play this role. No matter how perfect his grades were or how hard he worked to support his parents, Larry’s accomplishments always seemed to be eclipsed by Craig’s latest setback. Over time, Larry developed a deep longing to have his own voice acknowledged and heard. In fact, he wanted to be heard so badly that he ended up going into communications for a living.
As with any appetite that grows out of control, Larry found that his longing for attention from his parents was so enduring that it was eventually transferred onto the authority figures he encountered in the systems he became part of later in life. Thus, in spite of his intelligence and experience, Larry inadvertently panicked every time he seemed to be losing the approval of the partners he longed to impress. When the fear of losing the positive attention he craved washed over him, a vicious cycle kicked in where Larry’s mind went blank, he became progressively more anxious, and his personal power took a nosedive.
Another dimension of the challenge was that Larry’s experience with the authority figures in his family system had conditioned him to seek validation but never find it. The realization that this promotion might give him the recognition he had always craved was unsettling because it was outside the parameters that his parents had inadvertently conditioned him to settle for. Unable to make logical sense of why he was losing power when he needed it the most, Larry was baffled by his own self-destructive behavior.
Working with the Power Grid
By becoming aware of the ways he had been conditioned to react in his family system, Larry was able to grasp why he became overly anxious when he felt that the authority figures surrounding him were with-holding their attention. Once he came to terms with the realization that validation from his parents had been a lifelong craving for him, it was easier for him to accept why he often became so flooded with emotion at the prospect of losing favor with the authority figures around him that his brain seemed to flatline.
Like all of us, once Larry was able to connect his pattern of losing power in business situations with the central challenges he had grappled with in his family, he started to understand his power genes clearly enough to begin the process of consciously reconditioning himself. For Larry, this reconditioning involved acknowledging the feelings that cropped up inside him when he started babbling anxiously, stopping to take a deep breath and finding a humorous way to put himself and those around him at ease. As we shall see, for people struggling with other types of blind spots, this reconditioning may involve skills ranging from strengthening your confidence in your own instincts under pressure to learning to moderate outbursts of frustration.
The good news is that Larry got his promotion. During the cocktail reception, the CEO told Larry that his ability to operate more powerfully in informal moments had been a crucial factor in his advancement. As Larry learned, developing a deeper awareness of ways he had been coded to inadvertently give his power away and what he needed to do to reclaim it wasn’t just about improving his social skills. Once he made partner, Larry quickly learned that he was going to have to protect his budget and his turf as his new peers tried everything from charm to confrontation to get what they wanted from him. Through grasping the ways that his own relationship with power was rooted in his early experiences with the authority figures in his family, Larry found that he was prepared to react more consciously to the power plays others might adopt to exert their influence on the job.
As Larry’s story demonstrates, it’s the emotional and behavioral triggers established in our family systems that often determine whether we lash out in anger or seek a deeper level of understanding when our power is being threatened in the systems where we seek professional advancement.
Getting Started
The chapters that follow describe the power quadrants in more detail, including the strengths and weaknesses associated with each. I will go on to explore the ways your patterns around giving and receiving power influence your behavior in three key relational dynamics where power is exchanged in the workplace: managing up, managing down, and managing across. Finally, in chapter 10, I’ll offer a practical framework for reconditioning the power genes that control your actions and reactions.
As you’ll see, each chapter contains stories of individuals who fall within each quadrant and the challenges they face. While some identifying details have been altered to protect confidentiality, these are all true stories. As you reflect on the case studies, try to remain mindful of the emotional reactions these stories may trigger in you as well as the ways these feelings serve to deepen or dilute the quality of the inner dialogue you have with yourself concerning power.
Throughout the book I will describe how you can use this awareness to change your behavior in order to:
• Deal with difficult people and situations in your current job more effectively.
• Identify work environments that reward individuals who exhibit your interpersonal instincts.
• Make the behavioral changes necessary to assess whether you can achieve your professional ambitions in your current work environment, or whether it’s time for a transition.
• Communicate the value of the contributions you are making within your organization more clearly and persuasively.
As you read on, remember to be patient with yourself. Most of your life has been focused on reinforcing the conditioning you experienced in your family system. With greater focus, you’ll develop insight into when you are thinking logically and when you are operating from your blind spots. The real payoff happens as you gradually develop the agility you need to apply your newfound insights with dignity and authority.