CHAPTER 9 
The Grab Bag
It’d be lovely if everything in life fit into neat little well-defined packages. Wait—no it wouldn’t. That would be terrible. This chapter, then, is a celebration of the untidiness of it all, a place to put questions, answers, statistics, quotes, dialogues, resources, and other miscellany that didn’t bloody well feel like conforming to any of the other chapter topics. I’ve done my best to eliminate any semblance of order, and in some cases, of relevance. Enjoy.
Twelve Blogs for Us
Motherhood Uncensored
www.motherhooduncensored.typepad.com
Kristen Chase is a foul-mouthed, cynical, cut-the-crap mother of two with no sense of propriety or common decency. I adore her. Like me, she is also a former music professor recently relocated to the Deep South.
The Friendly Atheist
If you are allergic to wit, intelligence, and friendly but firm commentary on the religious and nonreligious worlds, avoid Hemant Mehta’s blog. Otherwise, come on in.
www.scienceblogs.com/pharyngula
P.Z. Myers, a biologist at the University of Minnesota, Morris, writes the smartest and funniest science blog on Earth.
Bad Astronomy
Author/astronomer Phil Plait (apparently his real name)1 blogs about astronomical misconceptions, hoaxes, and other silliana.
Atheist Ethicist
www.atheistethicist.blogspot.com
The ethico-philosophical blog of Alonzo Fyfe. For the quiet reflectors among us.
Friendly Humanist
www.friendlyhumanist.blogspot.com
The blog of a smart and (yes) friendly Canadian humanist in Scotland. One of my favorites for quiet intelligence.
Rant & Reason
“Humanist perspectives on breaking news and politics.”
Half Full Blog
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/half_full/
Subtitled “The Science of Raising Happy Kids.” Doesn’t get better than this.
New Humanist
http://blog.newhumanist.org.uk/
Blog of the British magazine of the same name.
www.ParentingBeyondBelief.com/blog
You honestly thought I had the maturity to not mention my own secular parenting blog. And you call yourself a rationalist.
Bligbi
“The ramblings of a non-apologetic militant atheist mom.”
Daddy Dialectic
www.daddy-dialectic.blogspot.com
A blog by Greater Good editor and secular dad Jeremy Adam Smith and others that is smarter and better than my blog in every way. So what’s your point?
Q: How would you respond if one of your children became religious?
I asked each of the four co-authors of this book to provide a short (150-word) answer to this very common question. The result:
JAN DEVOR: First, make sure that your teen is not just following the pack to a local “in” religious community or youth program. Gently ask why he or she has made the decision and listen to the answer. He or she probably knows what you think about religion and might be reluctant to have this conversation.
You may spot weakness or flaws in his thinking, but jumping on him about these things is not the way to go. Allow your teen to follow his thinking in this area.
Ask if you can research the religion’s theology and have open discussions with her about what she is learning and doing in this community as time goes by. You might even ask if you could attend a service with her.
Most of all, remain calm. Teens often need to experience things to sort through their feelings about them. This religious exploration is not unusual.
MOLLEEN MATSUMURA: What to do depends on why your kid is interested, and how deeply. There are a lot of reasons to explore religions that are not anything to worry about—certainly not enough to fight about.
Your child may be interested in exploring his or her roots, particularly if your family comes from a minority faith or ethnic community. Often in the United States, people join faith communities for the ethnic connection. This doesn’t necessarily mean he’s adopting the belief-system, and if not, the best thing you can do is encourage his interest in other ways; for example, by studying your ancestors’ language or cooking ethnic recipes together.
In families where members disagree about religion, your child might be trying to maintain a connection by, say, going to church with grandma; be careful about assuming that she is taking sides. Making the issue a test of loyalty could just put distance between you.
AMANDA METSKAS: Make it clear that you love him no matter what he believes. Take your child’s ideas seriously. Treating him as though he is “going through a phase” or just parroting the ideas of someone else will damage your relationship and stifle communication.
Encourage your child to continue to explore, and ask questions yourself. Congratulate her for the seriousness with which she is taking these issues, and say that you look forward to continuing to talk about it. Remember that exploring beliefs is an important part of our development.
Call into question any ideas that are contrary to your values and those of your child.
If your child is joining a religion with especially troubling elements—refusing medical care, for example, or isolating its members—that is a different situation. Consider talking to a professional counselor. Try to find out if there is something going on in your child’s life that prompted him or her to join this group.
DALE McGOWAN: I encourage my kids to try on as many beliefs as they wish and switch whenever they feel drawn toward a different hat. They’ll end up better informed about the identity they eventually choose as well as those they declined.
My reaction would also depend on what is meant by “religious.” Is it “Love-your-neighbor” religious or “God-hates-fags” religious? “Dalai Lama” religious, or “September 11 hijackers” religious?
If my kids do choose a religious expression, it’s likely to be one that expresses the values of compassion and reason in which they’ve been raised. We could do far worse than a world of liberal Quakers, for example. If instead one of my kids identified with a more malignant religion, I’d challenge the negative consequences of the belief, not the fact that it is “religious.” And my love for my child would remain completely unchanged.
Six Things the Religious (Generally) Do (Much) Better Than the Nonreligious
One of the central messages of Parenting Beyond Belief and Raising Freethinkers is that there are secular ways to achieve all the benefits of religion. It’s true. I’ve even been so bold as to suggest we do some things better. Time to let that other shoe drop. Here are six things Christians in the United States on the whole do much better than the nonreligious.
1. Give generously. Although the nonreligious outpace the religious in volunteerism once “church maintenance” volunteering is eliminated,2 when it comes to actual giving of actual money, there’s no contest: The religious have us licked. Regular churchgoers are more likely than secularists to donate money (91 percent versus 66 percent).3 Obviously, there will be notable exceptions—three of the top four philanthropists worldwide are atheists or agnostics4—but the overall picture of giving by secular individuals needs improvement.
Part of the solution is the systematizing of giving. That offering plate passing beneath one’s nose on a regular basis has a certain loosening effect on the wallet.
2. Connect their good works to their beliefs. As noted above, the nonreligious are very good about rolling up their sleeves and volunteering, but abysmal at making it clear that those good works are a reflection of our humanistic values. As a result, the presence of nonbelievers doing good works is often overlooked. That’s why Dinesh D’Souza was able to write the ignorant screed “Where Were the Atheists?”5 after the Virginia Tech tragedy. Nonbelievers were present and active as counselors, rescuers, and EMTs at the scene, but because they were not organized into named and tax-exempt units, their worldview was invisible. We must do a better job of making it clear that we do good works not despite our beliefs, but because of them.
3. Build community. The nonreligious to date have been miserable at forming genuine community. We fret and fuss over the urgent need for more rationality in the world, completely ignoring more basic human needs like unconditional acceptance. Most people do not go to church for theology—they go for acceptance. They go to be surrounded by people who smile at them and are nice to them, who ask how their kids are and whether that back injury is still hurting. Until we recognize why people gather together—and that it isn’t “to be a force for rationality”—freethought groups will continue to lag light years behind churches in offering community.
4. Use transcendent language. There are many transcendent religious words without good secular equivalents. There is no secular equivalent for “blessed.” I want one, and “fortunate” doesn’t cut it. I also want a secular word for “sacred.” I want to be able to say something is “holy” without the implication that a God is involved. I want to speak of my “soul,” but do so naturalistically, and not be misunderstood. Miracle, spiritual—the list goes on and on. [Molleen Matsumura offered a thoughtful rebuttal to Salman Rushdie when he made a similar point. Visit www.humaniststudies.org/podcast and scroll down to #19 for the podcast. Ed.]
5. Support each other in time of need. Individuals do a lovely job of supporting each other in times of need, regardless of belief system. But when it comes to the loving embrace of a community, the religious once again tend to do it much, much better than any nonreligious community I’ve seen. Yes, they have the numbers, and yes, they have the structure—but I’ll also give them credit for recognizing the need and having the desire to fulfill it.6
6. Own their worldview. Yes, it’s easier for the religious to be “out” about their worldview because they are everywhere. Guess what—we’re everywhere too. Current estimates put the nonreligious at 18 percent of the U.S. population. There are more nonreligious Americans than African Americans. Think of that. Coming out of the closet and owning your worldview makes it easier for the next person to do so. So do it.
Need more incentive? Think of the children. I want my kids to choose the worldview that suits them best, and yes, I’d like secular humanism to be one they consider. The more visible and normalized it is as a worldview, the better chance that it will appeal to them. But in the meantime, it would also help if we gave more generously, connected our good works to our beliefs, built communities, learned to use transcendent language, and developed a better collective ability to support each other in time of need.
Q: My wife and I are facing a dilemma as my son is moving into middle school next year. Our local public school system is significantly missing our expectations for both environment and academic standards. We have decided to enroll him in a local private school, but all of the good ones in our area are religiously based. The one we like best is a “multidenominational” Christian school with bible study every day. I’m happy with the idea of religious literacy but am worried about indoctrination into the religion itself. Should I be?
The Question of the Pledge
During her afterschool snack one day, Delaney (6) asked, “What does ‘liberty’ mean?”
I knew immediately why she would ask and was once again ashamed of myself in comparison to my kids. I don’t think I pondered the meaning of the Pledge of Allegiance until I was well into middle school. When I was her age, I’m certain I thought “EyePlejjaleejins” was one word that meant something like, “Hey, look at the flag.” I certainly didn’t know I was promising undying loyalty to something.
“Liberty means freedom,” I said. “It means being free to do what you want as long as you don’t hurt someone else.”
“Oh, okay.” Pause. “What about ‘justice’?”
“Justice means fairness. If there is justice, it means everybody gets treated in a fair way.”
“Oh! So when we say ‘with liberty and justice for all,’ it means ‘everybody should be free and everybody should be fair.’”
“That’s the idea.”
“Hmm,” she said. “I like that.”
I like it too. A fine, fine idea. I also like the idea that the next time Laney said the Pledge, she had a little more knowledge of just what she was pledging her allegiance to.
There’s an email that circulates quite a bit during the times we are asked to stand united against [INSERT IMPLACABLE ENEMY HERE]—the text of a 1969 speech by the comedian Red Skelton in which he recounts the words of an early teacher of his. The teacher had supposedly noticed the students going through the rote recitation of the pledge and decided to explain, word for word, what it meant.
The idea of wanting kids to understand what they are saying is a good one. It solves one of the four issues I have with the Pledge of Allegiance. There is the “under God” clause, of course—but that’s the least of my concerns.
Far worse is the fact that it is mandated, either by law, policy, or social pressure. No one of any age should be placed in a situation where a loyalty oath is extracted by force, subtle or otherwise.
Worse still is something I had never considered before I heard it spelled out by Unitarian Universalist minister and Parenting Beyond Belief contributor Kendyl Gibbons at the onset of the latest (at this writing) Iraq War in a brilliant sermon titled “Why I’m Not Saying the Pledge of Allegiance Any More.” At one point she noted how important integrity is to humanism:
One of the most basic obligations that I learned growing up as a humanist was to guard the integrity of my given word. Who and what I am as a human being is not predicated on the role assigned to me by a supernatural creator … rather, I am what I say I am; I am the loyalties I give, the promises I keep, the values I affirm, the covenants by which I undertake to live. To give my loyalties carelessly, to bespeak commitments casually, is to throw away the integrity that defines me, that helps me to live in wholeness and to cherish the unique worth and dignity of myself as a person.…We had better mean what we solemnly, publicly say and sign.
And then, the central issue—that the pledge is to a flag, when in fact it should be to principles, to values. One hopes that the flag stands for these things, but it’s too easy for principles to slip and slide behind a symbol. A swastika symbolized universal harmony in ancient Buddhist and Hindu iconography, then something quite different in Germany of the 1930s and 1940s. Better to pledge allegiance to universal harmony than to the drifting swastika.
The same is true of a flag—any flag. Here’s Kendyl again:
I will not give my allegiance to a flag.…I will not commit the idolatry of mistaking the flag for the nation, or the nation for the ideals…. My allegiance is to my country as an expression of its ideals.
To the extent that the republic for which our flag stands is faithful to the premises of its founding, it has my loyalty…. But to the extent that it is a finite and imperfect expression of the ideals to which my allegiance is ultimately given, to the extent that it falls into deceit and self-deception, into arrogance and coercion and violence, into self-serving secrecy and double standards of justice, to that extent my loyalty must take the form of protest, and my devotion must be expressed in dissent.7
It remains to this day one of the most eloquent addresses I’ve ever heard. And it continues to motivate me to raise children who pledge their allegiances conditionally rather than blindly—something that will make their eventual allegiances all the more meaningful.
—Dale McGowan, from the blog The Meming of Life
A: I’m a passionate supporter of public schools, but if they are too far gone in your area, there’s no use making your child a martyr to principle. A child in a (genuinely) progressive religious environment at school and a freethought environment at home might just have the best of all possible situations for genuine freethought. Three questions to ask:
1. Is it really multidenominational? A broad identity requires a certain amount of flexibility and generally causes Hell to evaporate. But many schools make the claim to increase enrollment but are really founded and funded by a single denomination. Ask to see stats on the religious affiliations of the students. The more the mix, the better. If you catch a whiff of Baptist or Catholic affiliation, stay away. Neither denomination has covered itself with glory when it comes to genuinely open inquiry.
2. What is the attitude toward open questioning and religious doubt? Mission statements will often reveal at least the official posture. A conversation with the principal will reveal more.
3. Get a look at the science curriculum standards, and by all means, get your hands on the eighth grade science book. If the world is less than 10,000 years old, run screaming into the woods.
If you get good answers regarding affiliation, openness, and science ed, I’ll bet you’re fine. A low-key, brimstone-free exposure to religious ideas encourages cultural literacy and permits kids to think for themselves. Reinforce exactly that at home.
Fun Finds
Godchecker.com—Your Guide to the Gods
A frankly incredible and nicely wry archive of deographical information on over 2,800 gods, subdivided by region and culture.
Blasphemy—the Game
Blasphemy™ is an amazingly clever, well-made, and carefully researched board game that manages to provide religious literacy and skewer the sacred at the same time. There was more than one claimant to the title of Messiah in ancient Judea. Each player maneuvers his would-be Messiah through six phases in the life of Jesus. Whoever can attain baptism in the Jordan, resist the devil in the wilderness, give the greatest sermons, perform the most impressive miracles, discredit his rivals, and make his way first to the cross wins the game. If you (or your teens) don’t like complex, multilayered games that stretch into the wee hours of the night, this isn’t for you. If, on the other hand, that last sentence made you drool, and you think of sacred cows as excellent skewer-holders, this is the game for you. Ages 13+.
Q: My daughter’s public school is very small and has no auditorium. They hold the kindergarten graduation in the Baptist church across the street. Thoughts?
A: All church-state considerations should begin with a single question: Does the matter at hand negatively affect the religious freedom of the children by dictating a single “right” belief? The use of the building (especially when you have no other space) seems unlikely to meet this standard. Much more problematic are the invocations with which thousands of public high school graduations open every June. Next thing you know, they’ll be putting religious phrases on our money. (*Sigh.*) If they open the kindergarten graduation with a prayer or include any other overt religious content, that’s different, and I’d get very serious with them about that church-state line. As always, express any concern in terms of religious freedom for all, not the avoidance of “offense.” The former is constitutionally guaranteed; the latter is not.
Q: One of my neighbors has been dropping hints to my 6-year-old son that she could take him with her to Sunday school so he “could be with the other children.” She is a nice enough lady, but it seems manipulative to me. Should I say something?
A: Yes. Take advantage of the next time you see each other taking out the trash, getting the mail, etc.—avoid the door knock if you can. Simply say, kindly but quite firmly, that the decision to attend church is up to the parents, not the neighbors, and that it is inappropriate to direct such an invitation to a 6-year-old without the parents’ knowledge. Strangers with candy, and all that. If she has a child herself, and you wish to make a firmer point, ask if she would be pleased to hear that you had offered to take her child to the local Humanist meetup. End with a smile and a change of subject: “I see your petunias are coming in beautifully again!”
Nonreligious Parenting Discussion Boards
Parenting Beyond Belief Forums www.ParentingBeyondBelief.com/forum
Atheist Parents www.AtheistParents.org
Atheist/Agnostic Parenting http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppatheist
Q: What’s the best way to improve the religious climate in my extended family? We never talk about beliefs, yet they affect every aspect of everything we do as a family.
A: First and foremost, be out. Letting others know that there is a perfectly lovely nonreligious person in their midst is the single most powerful contribution you can make to an improved religious climate in the family.
Second, make beliefs a normal, natural topic. Do this by simply bringing up belief issues in conversation. Perhaps an Amish community is in the news, or FLDS,8 or Tibetan Buddhism.“It’s so interesting that they believe XYZ” can start a rich conversation. Strap in first, of course.
Third, work to uncover the religious diversity present in every family. Even if you see your Southern Baptist clan as a sea of monolithic religiosity around the Secular Island of You, it’s an illusion. There is always some variety in openness, in actual beliefs, and in comfort with difference. Find those who are religious but open and engage in a fascinating and easily overheard conversation about religious beliefs at your next family reunion or Thanksgiving gathering. This is not a time for critical challenge, just wide-eyed interest in this wonderful tapestry of belief.
Finally, my favorite: Take the Belief-o-Matic Quiz at www.beliefnet.com, talk about your results, and invite other family members to do the same. The quiz asks twenty multiple-choice worldview questions, then spits out a list of belief systems and your percentage of overlap. I’m 100 percent Secular Humanist, 92 percent Unitarian Universalist, and 76 percent Theravada Buddhist. I’m less Jewish now (18 percent) than I was three years ago (38 percent) but slightly more Catholic (18 versus 16 percent). Now tell me that’s not a fun and interesting conversation starter. Best idea: Email all family the link before your next gathering. Have the heart pills ready when Born-Again Grandma finds out she’s 70 percent Islamic. And yes, that’s the approximate result a conservative Christian will get. Go to www.beliefnet.com and click Belief-o-Matic in the upper menu. If it helps to open conversations in your family, I’d really like to hear about it at [email protected].
Rule, Britannia!
According to the European Values Study, just 38 percent of residents of the United Kingdom currently self-identify as religious believers. By some estimates, fully half of British public figures (politicians, entertainers, academics, etc.) are openly nonreligious. A taste of the nonreligious perspective from Old Blighty:
British Humanist Association
A large, active, healthy national humanist organization with a rich and useful website.
BHA public service announcement
www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OY3y_fBpAs
Just imagine such a thing in the United States as this elegant, witty 2-minute encapsulation of the humanist point of view.
Pat Condell’s Godless Comedy
If you like your (anti-)religious commentary breathtakingly intelligent, articulate, uncompromising, and funny, look no further than Pat Condell. Not for the fainthearted. At this writing, Pat has produced forty short commentaries (see www.youtube.com/patcondell) and a compilation DVD is available through his site.
Thought for the World
The BBC does not allow nonreligious thinkers on its “Thought for the Day” program of personal reflections. The Humanist Society of Scotland responded by creating this brilliant podcast featuring such British humanist thinkers as Stephen Law, Tim Mills, Nigel Warburton, A.C. Grayling, and Kate Hudson (no, not that one).
Q: I know that religious fundamentalists are generally enthusiastic about corporal punishment. When it comes to freethought parenting, is there a right answer on the use of spanking for discipline? And if spanking is out, what’s in?
A: You’re right: Religious conservatives tend to be pro-spanking, often citing the biblical injunction “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” There’s something doubly funny about the invocation of that scripture. Funny Thing 1 is that it isn’t scripture. Funny Thing 2 is its actual source—a (quite) bawdy poem by Samuel Butler intended to skewer the fundamentalists of his time, the English Puritans. But as tempting as it is to refrain from spanking just because fundamentalists spank, I have a better reason—reason.
In the interest of full disclosure, let me confess that I have spanked my kids. It was seldom and long ago, before I had my parental wings. I’m still ashamed to admit it. Every time represented a failure in my own parenting. Most of all, it demonstrated a twofold failure in my confidence in reason.
Every time a parent raises a hand to a child, that parent is saying you cannot be reasoned with. In the process, the child learns that force is an acceptable substitute for reason and that Mom and Dad have more confidence in the former than in the latter.
I now try to correct behaviors by asking them to recognize and name the problem themselves. Replace “Don’t pull the dog’s ears” with “Why might pulling the dog’s ears be a bad idea?” and you’ve required them to reason, not just to obey. Good practice.
The second failure is equally damning. Spanking doesn’t work. In fact, it makes things worse. The research—a.k.a. “systematic reason”—is compelling. A meta-analysis of eighty-eight corporal punishment studies compiled by Elizabeth Thompson Gershoff at Columbia University found that ten negative outcomes are strongly correlated with spanking, including a damaged parent-child relationship, increased antisocial and aggressive behaviors, and the increased likelihood that the spanked child will physically abuse her or his own children.9
The study revealed just one positive correlation: immediate compliance.
Fortunately, many other things get their attention equally well or better than spanking without the nasty side effects. A discipline plan that is both inspired by love and guided by knowledge finds the most loving option that works. Spanking fails on both counts.
Instead, keep a mental list of your kids’ favorite privileges and make them contingent on good behavior. Given a choice between a quick spanking or early bedtime for a week, my kids would surely hand me the rod and clench. Too bad. The quick fix is not an option.
The key to any discipline plan, of course, is follow-through. If kids learn that your threats are idle, all is lost.
I hope it’s obvious that all this negative reinforcement should be peppered—no, marinated, overwhelmed—with loving, affirmative, positive reinforcements. Catch them doing well and being good frequently enough, and the need for consequences will plummet. It stands to reason.
In the long run, if our ultimate goal is creating autonomous adults, we should raise children who are not merely disciplined but self-disciplined. So if your parenting, like mine, is proudly grounded in reason, skip the spankings. We all have an investment in a future less saddled by aggression, abuse, and all the other antisocial maladies to which spanking is known to contribute. Reason with them first and foremost. Provide positive reinforcement. And when all that fails—and yes, it sometimes does—dip into the rich assortment of effective noncorporal consequences. Withhold privileges when necessary. Give time-outs, a focused expression of disapproval too often underrated.
And don’t forget the power of simply expressing your disappointment. Your approval means more to them than you may think.
Alternatives to Corporal Punishment
American Academy of Pediatrics
www.aap.org/publiced/BR_Discipline.htm
What is the best way to discipline my child?
Center for Effective Discipline
www.stophitting.com > Discipline at Home > ParentSupport
Ten guidelines for effective discipline of children.
Positive Parenting
www.positiveparenting.com/resources/articles.html > Nine Things to Do Instead of Spanking
For more information on corporal punishment, visit www.HumanistParenting.org and click on One Safe Generation > Corporal Punishment.
One Safe Generation
www.humanistparenting.org > click ONE SAFE GENERATION
From the website:
One Safe Generation is a humanist initiative to create a more humane, ethical, and reasonable world by breaking the chain of inherited violence and fear. Our goal is to make it possible for one generation to grow up free of violence. In support of this goal of “one safe generation,” we are advancing initiatives to combat violence against children in the home, in the community, and on the fields of war.
Our reason, our judgment, and our ethics are all severely impaired when we are afraid. Examples of individuals, groups, and nations thinking poorly and acting immorally under the influence of fear are innumerable.
Violence and other social pathologies are perpetuated from one generation to the next, as victims of violence in childhood are likely to become the perpetrators of violence in the next generation. From corporal punishment and neglect on the individual level to the forced conscription of child soldiers and the disproportionate victimization of children in war, each generation of adults has a choice to pass on traditions of violence and fear—or refuse to do so.
By recognizing that all manner of social pathologies—from violent conflict to religious fundamentalism to the suppression of free expression—are ultimately rooted in fear, humanists can focus our energies on that root cause even as we work to lessen the damage done by its various expressions.
One generation liberated from violence and fear would be more rational, more compassionate, more confident, and far less likely to perpetrate violence on its own children. By allowing a single generation to grow up safely, the tradition of inherited violence can be broken and the future remade.
One Safe Generation gathers valid research and resources in a single, accessible location; counters the advocates of violence in public forums; advocates progressive public policies on related issues through opeds and legislation; and encourages support for existing organizations and advocates in three areas: (1) nonviolent parenting; (2) advocacy of progressive child social policies; and (3) protecting children from the effects of war.
In identifying fear itself as the enemy, Franklin Roosevelt made a statement of greater lasting import than he knew. Go to One Safe Generation for information and resources in the service of raising a generation of children less fearful and more hopeful than their ancestors dared dream.
Great Bedtime Songs for Freethinking Families
Imagine (John Lennon)—the anthem of idealism
Little Boxes (Malvina Reynolds)—in praise of nonconformity
Questions (Tom Chapin)—a hat-tip to the inquiring mind of childhood
Cat’s in the Cradle (Harry Chapin)—a heartbreaking wakeup for busy parents
The Galaxy Song (Eric Idle/Monty Python)—for that cosmic perspective!
Advanced Reading for Freethinking Teens
Yes, there is the remarkable His Dark Materials trilogy, the astronomy of Tim Ferris, the physics of Brian Greene, and the provocative atheism of Harris, Dawkins, and Dennett. But here are three books less often cited in the lists of fabulous reads for freethinking teens:
Fiction
Haddon, Mark. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time (London: Jonathan Cape, 2003)
Foer, Jonathan Safron. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (New York: Houghton Mifflin, 2005)
Many commentators have noted the many similarities between these two astonishing novels. Each is narrated by a brilliant, science-minded boy who has lost a parent and sets out into the larger world to solve a mystery. Less often noted is that the two narrators both self-identify as nontheistic. The result is a profound pair of reflections on death, loss, meaning, and the power of personal will that should resonate with most freethinking teens. Both are also available on audio at www.audible.com. (I especially recommend Curious Incident for the unique perspective of the autistic narrator—and especially in audio.)
Nonfiction
Hitchens, Christopher. Letters to a Young Contrarian (New York: Basic Books, 2001)
Fiat justitia, ruat caelum, says Hitchens—“let justice be done, though the skies fall.” This remarkable and unique book, a collection of letters written by Hitchens to a hypothetical student, advocates dissent as a high value and holds the dissenter up as a vital moral force. Written with his usual combination of blazing intelligence and refusal to mince words, Young Contrarian can serve as a seminal influence and a powerful affirmation for the young person entering an adult life in which courageous dissent will play a part.
On Fear
One Safe Generation focuses on reducing real threats to the physical safety of children. But media coverage, Internet hype, and even many parenting books do their best to divert attention to threats that are statistically tiny by comparison.
Fear sells papers and drives online traffic, so half-overheard urban myths that “a child is abducted every 40 seconds” and “child abduction rates have risen 444 percent since 1982,” always uncited, continue to make the rounds. Christian parenting books often seize this opportunity, sounding a frightening “values” alarm. Crime is spiraling out of control. Morality is on the retreat. Our children are at greater risk of teen pregnancy, kidnapping, and violent death than ever before. Terrified parents are offered the solution—Jesus.
But are the frightening claims actually true? Are our kids less safe and less moral than ever before? Consider these statistics:
• According to the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, violent crime rates across the board have declined continuously since 1994, reaching the lowest level ever in 2005.10
• Teen pregnancy is on the decline. According the Guttmacher Institute’s 2006 report, teen pregnancy rates are down 36 percent from 1990 to the lowest level in thirty years.11
• Child abduction rates—always infinitesimal—continue to fall. Rates of violent crime against children have fallen by nearly 50 percent since 1973. The child murder rate is the lowest in forty years.12 Any given child is fifty times more likely in any given year to die from a world-ending comet or meteor (1 in 20,000) than to be abducted by a stranger (1 in 1 million).13
So why do we fear unlikely things and ignore far greater risks? An article in Scientific American Mind summed up the psychological research:
• We fear what our ancestral history has prepared us to fear, like confinement, heights, snakes, spiders, and humans outside our tribe.
• We fear what we can’t control. The car is less safe than the airplane, but our hands are on the steering wheel of one and not the other.
• We fear things that are immediate (strangers around us) more than the long term (global warming).
• We fear threats readily available in memory. Every plane crash, every child abduction, every home invasion is covered by the news media and takes on a significance far beyond the actual threat.14
We can provide our children the best security and the least fearful environment by assessing risks intelligently and refusing to give in to those who benefit from fear mongering and the sounding of moral alarms.
Q: Why is it so important for nonreligious parents to “come out”? Won’t my child benefit from a lower profile?
A: One of our main goals as parents should be the creation of a saner world for our kids. One of the best ways nonreligious parents can do this is by working toward a world in which religious disbelief is no big deal. That’s the goal, of course—not to dominate the culture, not to wipe religion off the map, but to simply make religious disbelief no big deal.
We can learn a great deal from the progressive movements that have preceded us. Racism becomes difficult to support once you know and love someone of a different race. Homophobia falls apart when you learn that your neighbor or your child is gay. The same is true for religious disbelief. Religious people are currently surrounded by closeted nonbelievers. This makes it possible for them to retain a caricature of the nonreligious as someone “out there,” far away, wild-eyed and repugnant, alien and threatening. When instead they learn that sweet, normal cousin Susan doesn’t believe in God, a powerful shift must take place to accommodate the new information.
Many nonreligious people think the shift will downgrade them in the eyes of the other person. After talking to literally hundreds of nonbelievers about their “coming out” experiences, I am happy to report that it generally works in reverse: Instead of downgrading the friend or relative, most religious people will upgrade, however slightly, their overall opinion of the nonreligious. Their caricature becomes less supportable when a face both known and loved is placed on it.
If every nonreligious person were to reveal her beliefs to those around her, gently and with a smile, the predominant cultural attitude toward religious disbelief would be profoundly altered overnight. Fear and mistrust would not change to instant approval by any means, but the simplistically drawn image of the nonreligious would necessarily become more complex, more nuanced, more accurate. It almost always goes better than you think it will. And it would go a long, long way toward allowing our children toward think freely and independently about questions of religious belief.
Notes
1. A name second only to that of my actual college roommate, Phil Graves.
2. Yonish, Stephen, and David Campbell, Religion and volunteering in America. In Smidt, Corwin, Religion as Social Capital (Waco, TX: Baylor University Press, 2003).
3. Brooks, Arthur C. Religious faith and charitable giving, in Policy Review (October/November 2003).
4. Warren Buffett (#1), Bill Gates (#2 along with his wife Melinda, who is Catholic), and George Soros (#3). Cited in 50 Most generous philanthropists, Business Week. Accessed April 13, 2008, from http://bwnt.businessweek.com/philanthropy/06/index.asp
5. Text at http://richarddawkins.net/article,903,n,n. A very thoughtful reply is at www.dailykos.com/story/2007/4/19/18451/0971. Site accessed May 30, 2008.
6. Greg Epstein, the humanist chaplain at Harvard, hit the nail on the head when he said “Science and reason are important, but science and reason won’t visit you in the hospital.”
7. Full text at www.firstunitariansociety.org/sermons0203/092202.htm#092202.htm. Accessed July 11, 2008.
8. Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
9. Gershoff, Elizabeth Thompson.“Corporal Punishment by Parents and Associated Child Behaviors and Experiences: A Meta-Analytic and Theoretical Review,” Psychological Bulletin, 128 (2002), 539–579.
10. www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/gvc.htm#Violence
11. Accessed June 11, 2008, from www.guttmacher.org/pubs/2006/09/12/USTPstats.pdf
12. National Center for Juvenile Justice 2006 report. Accessed June 8, 2008, from www.ojjdp.ncjrs.gov/ojstatbb/nr2006/downloads/chapter2.pdf
13. “A fistful of risks,” DISCOVER Magazine (April 1996), 82.
14. Myers, David G. “The Powers and Perils of Intuition,” Scientific American Mind (June/July 2007), 48–51.