CHAPTER 2

Living and Teaching Ethics in Your Family

Molleen Matsumura

Ask Lois Kellerman, a longtime Ethical Culture Leader, what she’s thinking when she creates moral education programs for children, and the first thing she says is,“You’re creating more than a curriculum—you’re building a culture that nurtures the growth of humane values. Even tiny details make a difference. For example, at the Humanist Community Sunday School in Palo Alto, we had kids take their shoes off for two reasons: It was a noncoercive but effective way to keep kids from running around and hurting themselves during quiet times, and it incorporated a habit familiar to the many Asian American kids in the group. Of course, once you set up the framework, you will have to sustain it.” The same is true for families.

Freethinking parents generally hope to raise kids who are independent thinkers. They often remark, “Sure, I want to raise my kids to be moral. But I don’t want to brainwash them.” But not all teaching is brainwashing, and teaching is exactly what kids need from their parents. Home is where they learn important skills and attitudes—from language to self-care and social skills—well before the first day of school. Just remember, education (providing leadership for your kids as they learn life skills) is different from indoctrination (pouring ideas into their heads without inviting critical examination).

Extensive research has confirmed that parenting styles strongly affect children’s ethical development. Authoritative (as opposed to authoritarian) parenting, which combines responsiveness with high and clearly expressed expectations, is most successful.¹

Researchers have found “a consistent picture of childrearing effects … [P]arents who tend to be harshly and arbitrarily authoritarian or power-assertive … are less likely to be successful than those who place substantial emphasis on induction or reasoning, presumably in an attempt to be responsive to and understanding of their child’s point of view.”²

“Children’s understanding of morality is the same whether they’re of one religion, another religion or no religion. But if it’s simply indoctrination, it’s worse than doing nothing. It interferes with moral development.”

—Larry Nucci, director, Office for Studies in Moral Development, University of Illinois

An especially powerful example of the influence of parenting style on moral development is found in the book The Altruistic Personality by researchers Samuel and Pearl Oliner. The Oliners conducted over 700 interviews with survivors of Nazi-occupied Europe—both “rescuers” (those who actively rescued victims of Nazi persecution) and “non-rescuers” (those who were either passive in the face of the persecution or actively involved in it). The study revealed profound differences in the upbringing of the two groups—in both the language and practices that parents used to teach their values.

It likely comes as no surprise that the morality of adults reflects their moral education as children. What may surprise some, given traditional beliefs about moral education, is which kind of moral education leads to which result.

Non-rescuers were twenty-one times more likely than rescuers to have grown up in families that emphasized obedience—being given rules that were to be followed without question—while rescuers were over three times more likely than non-rescuers to identify “reasoning” as an element of their moral education. “Explained,” the authors note, “is the word most rescuers favored” in describing their parents’ way of communicating rules and ethical concepts.³

Both the Oliners’ results and the central role children play in their own moral development are underlined by cross-cultural research from the Office for Studies in Moral Development at the University of Illinois, Chicago. Children in cultures around the world tend to reach certain landmarks in moral development reliably and on time, according to lead researcher Larry Nucci, regardless of what their parents do or don’t do. “Children’s understanding of morality is the same whether they’re of one religion, another religion or no religion,” says Nucci.

There is just one major exception, one way in which parents can actually impede their children’s moral growth: “If it’s simply indoctrination,” he says, “it’s worse than doing nothing. It interferes with moral development.”⁴

The one practice conservative religious thought insists is vitally important in moral education—teaching unquestioning obedience to “absolute” rules—turns out to be the single least productive thing we can do for our children’s moral development.

Instead, the best thing we can do is to encourage our kids to actively engage in their own moral development—asking questions, challenging the answers they are given, and working hard to understand the reasons to be good. Marvin Berkowitz, professor of character education at the University of Missouri, puts it just that clearly: “The most useful form of character education encourages children to think for themselves.”⁵

The “authoritative” parenting style that relies on warmth and explanation has been shown to be successful in raising ethical children. What could be more compatible with a family culture based on humanistic principles of love and reason?

Questions and Answers

Q:  What are humanist ethics?

A:  Humanist ethics are founded on two overarching principles: reason and compassion. Parents need to create a list of values that will guide their families’ everyday lives and help their children grow into ethical people. For example, we teach our children to take turns because we value fairness (not because “it’s a rule”). You can teach values most effectively if you have put them into your own words and decided for yourself which are more important.

Begin with universal values. After intensively researching values prized by societies around the world, the Institute for Global Ethics distilled this list of essential human values:

•   Honesty

•   Respect

•   Responsibility

•   Fairness

•   Compassion⁶

There are questions you can ask about the list that will help you to add specifically humanist principles. For example: Is respect reserved for those in authority, or given to all members of a family or society? Does “honesty” include intellectual honesty?⁷

These excerpts from the “Core Values” of the Ethical Society of St. Louis Sunday School⁸ exemplify humanist thinking:

•   Every person is important and unique.

•   I can learn from everyone.

•   I am part of this earth.

•   I learn from the world around me by using senses, mind, and feelings.

•   I am a member of the world community.

•   I am free to question.

•   I am free to choose what I believe.

•   I accept responsibility for my choices and actions.

Contrast “I am free to choose what I believe” and “I am free to question” with the idea that heresy is a sin. You might choose to reword some values, or add others, like “humility” or “skepticism and independent thinking.” One family might emphasize sustainable living, while another stresses social activism. The result will be an ethical vision tailored to your family, framed in widely shared humanist ethics but informed and energized by your own individuality—a set of “family values” that gives that phrase genuine, personal meaning. It will be a vision that can subtly change over the years as you and your children learn and grow together.

An important reminder: Ethics aren’t only about how we treat other people, but also about how we treat ourselves. Support your kids’ self-respect and help them feel that zest and enjoyment are the best approach to the only life we’ve got.

Q:  I grew up with fairly black-and-white ideas about morality. It’s even worse for my friends who grew up in churches where everything was framed in terms of being like Jesus and avoiding Satan’s influence. Can you give me a better understanding of how moral development works—something to replace the black-and-white thinking?

A:  There certainly is a better answer. You can work with your child’s inborn ability to develop into a moral person. Much depends on the stage she has reached in her moral development. One of the most useful moral development frameworks for parents is Lawrence Kohlberg’s six-stage model.⁹ Fear of punishment is the first stage, followed by hope of reward. Children younger than age 2 are rarely able to apply moral reasoning beyond these incentives.

Most children soon move into the third stage: seeking social approval and avoiding disapproval, especially from their parents. That’s why the typical kindergartener is so devastated when Mom’s upset about something he did.

The fourth stage is recognition of the value of laws or rules. The tattling second grader and the finger-pointing fourth grader are deep in the stage where rules are followed because they are rules. Many adults never get past this level to stage five, the “social contract” level, in which laws or rules are still seen as desirable, but it is understood that they have been created by consensus, and that they may change as the consensus changes.

The sixth level of moral development is reached when a person thinks in terms of universal ethical principles—that is, ethical principles that transcend a single social or cultural framework—and is sometimes even willing to defend such principles at the risk of punishment, disapproval, or even death.

Keep three things in mind when thinking about these stages. First, moral reasoning is developing at the same time as other types of knowledge and reasoning. One study found that until some time between ages 3 and 5, children don’t understand that another person can hold beliefs the child knows are untrue.¹⁰ Until they reach that point, children don’t fully realize that it is possible for someone to lie to them.

Second, children are simultaneously developing their abilities to perceive the feelings of other people and to care about those feelings. The same 2-year-old who tries to comfort a crying friend may do something that makes that same friend cry 10 minutes later.

Finally, the stages are fluid and open to influence. We want to encourage our children’s growth to the next moral stage, but at any stage, a person may act according to different levels of moral reasoning. For example, someone who often acts on principle will choose at other times to act according to what others will think. The rule-follower may still respond to punishments and rewards, and the sophisticated fifth-level teenager may still feel a twinge of guilt when a parent disapproves of her moral choice, even though it’s not the potent factor it once was.

Q:  What discipline methods are most appropriate to humanist ethics?

A:  “Discipline” can mean “a way to get obedience” or “a method of teaching.” This distinction is important: Your method of discipline sends powerful messages about how to act. In the rush and routine of daily life, we can forget that everything we do teaches values. Saying “Remember to take out the trash,” for example, is a reminder to take responsibility and that every family member has an important role to play.

The “five Es” of humanist discipline are the following:

Q:  Those “five Es” are very nice, but sometimes the best approach is good, old-fashioned punishments and rewards … isn’t it?

A:  It’s all too common for us to see our highest ideals as luxuries to be indulged in fair weather and abandoned when the going gets tough. Free speech is all very well, goes the reasoning—but not in time of war. The same kind of reasoning says,“Explaining to your child is terrific—unless he gets out of control, at which point only a good thrashing will do.”

Nonsense. Unless we are willing to act on our ideals when it’s most challenging, they aren’t worth pursuing even in the good times. Fortunately, principles are as rugged and workable as our commitment to them.

The “five Es” are practical applications of humanist ideals. Living according to those ideals is your best bet for raising children who will not only do what they are told in the moment, but live by those principles in the long run.

“The highest ethical duty is often to discard the outmoded ethics of the past.”

—Corliss Lamont, humanist philosopher

Yes, it’s an imperfect world. But rewards and punishments are the least effective tools for moral development because they focus on the power of the person who deals them out, like a god controlling people with eternal punishments and rewards. It is better to focus on experiences that help children become people who are ethical on their own than to teach them only to behave well by doing what they are told. Kids learn best from experiencing the positive and negative consequences of their behavior.

Helping kids learn from consequences of their actions is not a substitute for the “five Es.” Again—consequences are a tool, and the “five Es” are their foundation. It’s important to explain your goals and engage your children in the process of reaching them. For example, the reason for a curfew is your concern for your child’s safety, and the time and conditions of the curfew may be negotiable as your child matures.

Besides being positive and negative, consequences can be natural, logical, or arbitrary (which isn’t always a bad thing). If your child breaks a toy by angrily or carelessly throwing it at the wall, a natural consequence would be delaying or refusing to replace it (especially if something similar has happened before). There’s also something to be said for working together to repair the toy.

Sometimes we can’t allow “natural consequences” to occur. If your child keeps leaving toys on stairs where someone could trip on them and get hurt, you’ll have to step in with preventive action. If she often leaves toys on the stairs, a logical consequence would be taking away any toy you find there and not giving it back until there is evidence that she’ll at least try to change.

An arbitrary consequence has no clearly natural or logical relationship to the action that brought it on. If it’s a negative consequence, it’s likely to seem unfair and not be helpful as discipline. For example, grounding your teen for coming home from a party two hours late is a logical consequence (although there might be some disagreement on how long it should last). But grounding him for getting too involved in a game to set the table on time is illogical overkill. Logical consequences (maybe subject to negotiation) might be adding or substituting another task such as washing the dishes or temporarily taking away the distracting game until you’ve agreed on a way for him to remember to do chores on time.

Sometimes arbitrary positive consequences are okay. We adults use them ourselves; for example, “I will begin my stop-smoking effort by getting myself a CD for each week I go without cigarettes.” Why not teach our kids this method of motivating themselves to do things that are necessary but unpleasant or unrewarding?

Positive consequences can get us into tricky territory. Suppose your child practices hard to learn a new skill, such as batting better or learning a difficult piano piece. Positive natural consequences might include pride in mastering the skill, or pleasure (“flow”) in performing more effortlessly (read more about flow in Chapter 5). Logical consequences include such rewards as being chosen for a competitive team, winning a music scholarship, or being asked to play at a friend’s party. The last example shows how the reasons an experience is rewarding can be mixed. One doesn’t have to play music unusually well to have the fun of helping friends have a good time.

The tricky part comes in when a child feels that your approval, or their friends’ acceptance, is conditional on performing well. It feels unavoidably natural to be proud when your child succeeds, but it’s just as important to be supportive when kids have made an effort and somehow things don’t turn out as well as they had hoped.

Q:  How can I help my children develop the widest scope of empathy?

A:  First, help your child develop “emotional literacy”—recognizing, expressing, respecting, and responding to his or her own and other people’s feelings. With young children, name emotions: theirs, yours, those of characters in stories and of the people around them. (“You look sad.”“I’m so happy, I can’t stop smiling.” “Looks like he’s in pain.”) Feelings can be mixed, so talk about that, too.

Don’t judge emotions. For example, anger is not bad in itself, although it may be uncalled-for at times. As your kids grow older, help them understand that the most obvious emotion may not be the only one a person is feeling. For example, angry behavior might express hurt feelings. Knowing that makes it possible to respond more appropriately.

“Starting small” is okay. While toddlers naturally respond to some emotional cues, a child must be at least 3 before she begins to understand that other people’s feelings can be different from her own. You can help by explaining how her actions are affecting others: “Joey is crying. He’s sad because you took his toy away.”

It’s okay, too, that kids first learn empathy in small groups, such as their families or playgroups. That’s how everyone lived for most of humanity’s time on earth. Just as mountain climbers need a base camp to support their explorations, trusted and familiar groups give your child emotional support and security as he or she meets new and different people.

Your child’s introduction to diversity starts with interpersonal differences that don’t come under the banner of social diversity—like the different size and abilities of younger siblings, differences in taste, or the different skin textures of children and their elderly neighbors.

Then, even if there is social and economic diversity in your kids’ schools, and especially if there isn’t, there are countless ways you can bring it into their lives. Diversity in your own friendship network, reading stories set in other cultures, and visiting ethnic neighborhoods are just a few examples.

We also need to teach about religious diversity. Even people who are nonreligious need to be able to empathize with religious impulses at least to some degree, if we are going to build a cooperative and coexistent world.

It’s important to help your kids find ways to put compassion into action; feeling powerless to help can be so painful that we shut down feelings of empathy. Once again, start with small, intimate acts. Thank your child for bringing you a glass of water when you’re sick, or ask,“Could you keep the baby company while I make dinner?” Help an older child find extracurricular activities where he meets different friends than he has at school. Involve your family in volunteer work, or, if you don’t have time, encourage your kids to participate in volunteer activities.

Putting empathy into action is a powerful experience: Your kids enrich their lives while learning that they can make the world a better place.

“Modern Darwinism makes it abundantly clear that many less ruthless traits, some not always admired by robber barons and Führers—altruism, general intelligence, compassion—may be the key to survival.”

—Carl Sagan

Q:  Sometimes it seems like my kids hang on to their quarrels and grudges endlessly. How can I teach them the value of letting go?

A:  It’s true: Family life involves conflict, especially when there is more than one child, and you inevitably find yourself in the role of referee for a thousand petty irritations. It’s tempting to urge your child to “Forgive and forget,” or “Just move on.” But don’t do it. Moving on without clearing up the original problem leads to running around in circles. This is just as true when there’s no clear victim, because each party in a conflict did harm.

Much of the research and writing about these issues uses the word “forgiveness,” but there are problems with using such a religiously loaded word. For one thing, it often implies “absolution”—freeing the person who hurt another of the guilt that attaches to that person’s action. But, nothing can make a wrong action into a right action. What’s needed instead, if possible, is to repair the harm that was done. Also, the idea of “forgiveness” as a virtue unfairly puts all the responsibility on the victim, without offering the wrongdoer a chance to make amends. And finally, using the one word “forgiveness” sometimes confuses two very different processes: “acceptance” and “reconciliation.”

Primatologist Frans de Waal has commented, “Forgiveness is not … a mysterious and sublime idea that we owe to a few millennia of Judeo-Christianity.”¹² True—but the influence of Christianity in our culture has glorified the idea of unconditional forgiveness, no matter what harm was done, putting all the responsibility for healing on the victim.

Acceptance is the decision to let go of corrosive anger or resentment—that is, accepting the reality of the situation. And this is something for which research points to very real emotional and physical benefits.¹³

Acceptance is especially useful when the person who did the harm is unable or unwilling to make amends, and even more so when those in conflict must continue living together—like family members—even if agreement cannot be reached.

Reconciliation is a process in which the victim and the person who hurt him find a way to repair and continue their relationship. The concept of reconciliation holds the key to a better approach. Alhough some think of this as a strictly religious concept, de Waal notes that it is a process whose roots go far deeper than religion—even appearing among other species: “The fact that monkeys, apes, and humans all engage in reconciliation behavior means that it is probably over 30 million years old….”¹⁴ If monkeys can reconcile, so can we. Perhaps you can even inject a little humor into the process, noting that at least you’re not asking your children to pick off each other’s fleas.

There is more than one path to reconciliation, but every path depends on mutual understanding. Alfie Kohn makes a wonderful suggestion that also helps children develop empathy: “[S]ay after a blow up, ‘Tell me what just happened, but pretend you are your brother and describe how things might have seemed to him.’”¹⁵ This approach may lead to the discovery that the harm was unintentional—something much easier to forgive. The younger the child, the more likely the harm was unintentional.

Then there are the painful times when a quick, muttered “I’m sorry” just isn’t enough to repair a rift. Ideally, your kids will have seen you apologize, so they know how to begin the process. This outline of the “Steps to Seeking Forgiveness” detailed in Appendix 2 is a guide to the reconciliation process that can be used over and over, not only helping your kids get along better, but also giving them skills they can use for a lifetime of relationships.

1.   Acknowledge wrong-doing

•   Clarify why a certain behavior was hurtful.

•   Acknowledge to yourself and others that the behavior was a mistake.

•   Express genuine sorrow to all those involved for the mistake you have made.

2.   Make amends

•   Act out of a deep sense of honoring yourself and the other party.

•   Find a “stroke” that is equal to your “blow.”

•   Make amends in a timely manner.

3.   Commit to change

•   Make a clear commitment to change harmful patterns.

•   Act visibly on your commitment.

•   Respect the process of change.

Q:  How can I help my child act on principles and not just follow the rules?

A:  There is no magic day when your child graduates from only following rules to thinking about them. It was a major accomplishment to learn and follow many sets of rules: rules set by different caregivers, different rules in friends’ homes, more rules at school, the rules of games … the list goes on. It takes self-control to follow rules and good memory and judgment to know which rules to apply at any time. Build on those skills.

While your child is learning to live with rules, you will be hearing about it. Often a child who doesn’t know the rules in a new situation—say, a new school—gets yelled at by the old-timers. That’s not all bad; as Arthur Dobrin points out, “[Children’s] moral development is spurred by others whose sophistication is slightly more advanced….”¹⁶ As long as the rules are reasonable, and it doesn’t sound like other kids are leading yours into trouble, just reassure her that things will get better as she learns the ropes.

“If you put a kid in a pro-social family, in a pro-social culture, with parents who understand how to raise a child effectively, the child comes equipped with the tendency to capitalize on that and develop into a good person.”

—Marvin Berkowitz, professor of character education, University of Missouri¹⁷

Meanwhile, explain the reasons for rules. For example, when you stop for a traffic light, explain that signals help drivers take turns. When your child starts recognizing that some aspects of rules are arbitrary (“But why is the stop light red?”), you’ll know he’s starting to look at rules more thoughtfully.

Bring your child more fully into the process of modifying and making rules. Taking part in rulemaking makes your kid less likely to decide, “If rules come from people, then I can make my own rules.”

A first step is to modify rules when possible, in ways that give your child more choices and more responsibility. For example, replace a “clean plate” rule with an “eat healthy foods” rule. Then, if your kid doesn’t want to eat her carrots at dinner, say, “Well, the carrots have lots of vitamin A; you could get yourself a slice of cantaloupe or microwave some broccoli.” (This approach also gives the child responsibility for the extra work involved.)

A step that some kids can handle by age 10 is to set the rules for a limited situation. They will reach into the toolkit of rules they know, and you can figure out together which will work best. For example, you might ask, “How will we decide what to do for fun on our vacation?” One of your kids might answer, “We could take a vote every day.”

Q:  How can books and movies contribute to my child’s ethical development?

A:  Let’s begin with something that many of us take for granted—the bedtime story. You already know that reading to your child at any time of day, but especially bedtime, usually creates an island of calm and closeness in your day. But what does that have to do with ethics?

Just this: Nobody is ethical in a vacuum. The support of friends and loved ones can help give us the strength to behave ethically despite pressure or temptation to do wrong. Anything we do that strengthens our bonds with our children makes it more likely that we can continue to support their ethical growth and remain someone they can talk to when they face ethical dilemmas.

When our kids learn to run movies and read to themselves, we can still watch with them and read some of the same books. It’s a good way to stay close and to continue conversations about important topics.

Any well-told story offers material for ethical learning, even when it’s not preachy. Here’s a partial list.

Characters that we can identify or sympathize with give us a chance to learn compassion for their problems. For example, reading about the feelings of a character who has been bullied can help your child be more understanding toward a classmate who seems to be “an obvious loser” who “practically asks” to be picked on. A teen reading Angela’s Ashes (or seeing the movie) might learn compassion toward alcoholics by seeing how the father in the novel drinks in response to hopelessness and prejudice. We can also be inspired by the way both real and fictional people respond to life’s challenges.¹⁸

Self-compassion—treating one’s own perceived shortcomings with the same kindness and understanding that one would give a friend—isn’t always easy to learn or practice. Reading about real or fictional people who have similar problems can make self-compassion easier. Maybe the author’s insight into a character offers a reader insight into her own character. Or a parent reading a book with a child might comment, “Does that sound familiar?”

Even when reading about a person with a similar problem (for example, the anxieties that go with attending a new school) doesn’t lead to self-compassion, it breaks through the feeling that “I’m the only one.” Feeling less isolated reaffirms the sense of connection to other people that underlies ethical behavior.

Reading also stimulates and develops your child’s capacity for moral reasoning. Some families enjoy the direct approach of books that describe ethical dilemmas the whole family can discuss. Some of those books are recommended in the resource section, but if that’s not your style, don’t worry about it. Life and literature are full of situations that raise questions worth serious thinking and discussion. For example, there are many movies whose main character is a “charming rascal”; somehow, the director gets us on the side of character(s) trying to get away with committing a clever crime. What do the directors and writers do to get us to like these characters? How do we feel about those manipulations?

By reading books about people in other cultures and socioeconomic groups, we gain knowledge and understanding that are crucial to developing the open-mindedness we need if we are to develop a peaceful, democratic global culture.

Finally, many freethinkers enjoy giving their children myths and fairy tales to read, reasoning in part that the kids will see the resemblance between those stories and various scriptures.

All true—but let’s look at another reason for reading myths and legends. Their common themes are another way of showing us that different human groups have a lot in common. For example, the “trickster” character occurs in many cultures’ lore—Loki in Norse mythology, Coyote among Native American cultures, Anansi the spider in many African cultures, and Reynard the Fox in European folklore. Myths also offer a symbolic or allegorical way to talk about real-life problems such as sibling rivalry. Enjoy them, and—for the best medicine against literalist thinking, for imaginative exercise, and just plain fun—encourage your kids to make up their own.

 

Activities

In addition to specific activities, in this section you’ll find ways to generally encourage ethical development and reflection, things to discuss and ways to discuss them, and things to think about and ways to think about them.

If I Made the Rules

All ages

We live in a world abuzz with lists of ethical rules, rights, and responsibilities: Buddhism’s “Noble Eightfold Path” of conduct, school honor codes, Franklin Roosevelt’s Four Freedoms, our Bill of Rights, the United Nations’ Universal Declaration of Human Rights—the lists go on and on (see Appendix 2 for examples). And, of course, these days we hear constant discussion of the Ten Commandments. All of these lists include at least some pretty good rules. There are others that your kids will likely think should not make anyone’s top ten list of the most important ethical ideas.

How do those rules come to be? People invent and discuss them, of course, and your kids can have a taste of the experience. Have each family member come up with his or her own list of up to ten rules to make a more perfect world, ones that each person would be willing to live by.

Then compare notes. Where do people agree or disagree, and why? That will stretch everyone’s moral reasoning and might even get you to question some assumptions.

Should you start at the top, appealing to universal principles, or at the bottom, by threatening rule breakers with punishment? Why?

You Did What Now?

Ages 6+

Materials: index cards

Write a number of one-sentence scenarios on index cards, some embarrassing, some not, some ethical, some not. Examples:

•   You put a frog down a bully’s pants, and he punched someone else in the nose for it.

•   You wrote nasty things about your enemy in the bathroom stall.

•   You picked up someone else’s trash.

•   You started a false rumor that someone’s father was in prison.

•   You copied your older brother’s paper from last year and never got caught.

•   You didn’t do so well on a test, even though you studied but did not cheat.

•   You received a trophy for winning a race when you know you cheated.

•   You turned in a friend for shoplifting candy, and now everyone’s calling you a snitch.

•   Seeing a glow out the window, you jumped out of the tub, ran naked to the neighbors’ burning house, and woke them just in time.

•   You hurt your ankle and didn’t finish the walk-a-thon for homeless kids—but lied to your sponsors so you’d have money to give to the cause.

Now someone takes a turn as a reporter who does an on-the-spot interview based on one of the cards. The script goes something like this: “We’re here with Mary who’s had a pretty amazing day. Mary, we understand you started a rumor today that Sam’s dad was in prison. Why did you do it, and do you think that was the right thing to do?” The interviewee (who didn’t know which scenario would be thrown at her) responds on the spot by either justifying the act or saying why she wishes she hadn’t done it. The reporter might then follow up (“Would you do it again?” or “Is there anything you’d do differently next time?”).

This exercise is a two-for-one game. The interviewee has to practice empathy by imagining the feelings of the person who “did the deed” and engage in moral reasoning to explain whatever position she takes.

Invite kids to come up with their own scenarios combining ethical issues and social constraints (right versus wrong plus social approval/disapproval, punishment/reward, principles, etc).¹⁹

Creating a Family Vision

For the parent(s)

With your parenting partner or alone if you are a single parent, create a vision of your family culture. Do this before you start a family, or at any time later on, just to see if you’re on the same page.

Each of you take a piece of paper and write down five statements beginning, “In my family, we …” Sample endings might be, “… have a lot of fun”; “… drop everything when somebody says ‘Come see this wonderful spider web’”; “… create an atmosphere where everyone feels safe.”

Show each other what you’ve written and talk it over. Where is there overlap? Are there any disagreements? Can you merge your lists? You probably don’t want more than ten statements because too many are too hard to remember. But, in the future, you can look at your lists to ask,“Does what we are doing reflect our family culture?”

When your kids are older, turn this same activity into a family game that will tell you a lot about how you well you are communicating your values.

Getting Down to the Roots

For the parent(s)

Sooner or later, every parent unconsciously imitates his or her own parents—both the things we liked and the things we disliked. Thinking about this ahead of time can be very helpful down the line. Make a list for each of your parents of three behaviors you would like to emulate and three you would like to avoid: for example, “I loved it when mom/dad was playful,” or “I got really scared by mom’s/dad’s outbursts of anger.”

Share this list with your parenting partner(s). Talk about how you would like to handle these issues. For example, if some day you are hypercritical of one of your kids, would you want your co-parent to take you aside later, and say something like,“Did you really want to be so hard on Tom? I was reminded of what you said about how you felt like you could never live up to your parents’ standards.”

If you are a single parent, check the list now and then to see if there is a comfortable match between your parenting ideals and the reality.

Clarifying Your Family’s Ethics

For the parent(s)

A great time to start clarifying your ethics is before your kids are born. Once they’re born, and life keeps throwing new challenges at you, you’ll continue, and probably never stop. Even when your values don’t change, there will be questions about how to apply them in new situations.

Different approaches to defining your values work better for different people. You and your parenting partner(s) might like to begin with the values mentioned in this chapter, or described in the statements listed in the resource section. Or you might start by discussing what you were brought up to value, or what you like and admire about other people. Sometimes you might find that what you like leads you to a deeper discussion. For example, I like people who are unpretentious; if I dig deeper, I realize this is another way of saying I think it’s important for people to treat each other as equals.

Try to come up with a list of eight to ten principles that you can agree on. Talk about what they mean in practice.

Especially important for freethinkers: As your children interact with others in their school and your community (and maybe your extended family), how will you help them balance the values of “respecting other people’s opinions” and “standing up for your own convictions”?

Encouraging Moral Reasoning at Different Stages

All ages

Materials: The Kids’ Book of Questions by Gregory Stock, PhD, or (for older kids) a few issues of the New York Times Sunday Magazine (for “The Ethicist” column)

Next time you’re headed out for a road trip, pack a copy of the Gregory Stock book, which includes over 250 short, simple questions to discuss. Examples:

•   Would you rather be very poor but have parents who loved you and each other, or be fabulously wealthy but have parents who ignored you and were always fighting with each other?

•   Adults can do more, but they have more responsibilities. Children can play more, but they get told what to do. Do you think kids or adults have a better deal?

•   If everyone else in your class would be killed unless you agreed to sacrifice your own life, would you do it? Would it matter if no one would ever know what you had done?

•   Have you ever gotten yourself into a mess by telling people you could do something you couldn’t?

When your kids take a position, ask them why they think it is right. Give reasons if you have a different opinion.

Bring the ethical dimension into your everyday life as well. When reading fiction or watching movies, talk about the ways characters resolve ethical problems. Do your kids agree with the way they acted? Why? If the character felt he or she had no choice, was that true?

When there are conflicts within your family, or your kids mention problems they’re having with friends or at school, bring ethical principles into the discussion of how to resolve them. Introduce the basic language of ethics (fairness, reciprocity, integrity, consistency, etc.) to give them words for their developing concepts.

Keeping Track of Your Family’s Values in the Community Setting

Keep informed about “character education” programs at your child’s school. Read materials sent home for parents; read materials given to your child; attend parent meetings. Some programs are less effective than others, and some may promote values different from your own. Whether you agree or disagree with what is taught, you will want to talk it over with your child. If you disagree with what is being taught, you may be able to work with others to change the program. If you have the time to volunteer with the parent-teacher association, or on a school site committee, you may be able to encourage use of some of the resources given here or other worthy programs.

Humanistic Discipline: The “5 Es” in Action

For the parent(s)

Example: Set an example of willingness to change by asking your child to help you. For example, if you are trying to lose weight, ask your child to say,“Don’t even look!” when you are offered the dessert menu in a restaurant.

Explanation: With very young children: Look for at least one chance a day to explain what you’re doing. For example, when your child is finished drawing, say, “Let’s put away the crayons now. We don’t want them in the way when we set the table for dinner.”Or, “So they won’t get lost.”

For older children: Before introducing new rules, discuss the explanation with your parenting partner. Discuss whether, in this case, it would be appropriate to discuss alternatives with your child.

Encouragement: Together with your parenting partner, read “Five Reasons to Stop Saying ‘Good Job!’” by Alfie Kohn (www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm), or watch the video “How to Praise Children” (www.greatergood.berkeley.edu/half_full/?p=55). Think about something each of your children has done that deserves encouragement. Role-play what you will say to your child. Practice encouraging each other, too! It feels good, and you can give each other feedback on whether your words are truly encouraging.

Engagement: Whether you’re thinking of discipline as “getting your kid to do what you want her to do,” or “teaching your kids life-skills,” engaging them in choosing goals and the means of achieving those goals is your best hope for success.

Widening the Circles of Empathy

All ages

A good case can be made that acceptance and appreciation of difference is the central value of humanistic ethics. Although this is explored in greater detail in “Finding and Creating Community” chapter 8, here are a few ways for families to accentuate and celebrate difference.

Who’s in your boat? In our social relationships, empathy is based on the feeling that we have something in common with others—the awareness that “We’re in the same boat.”Yet cultural awareness usually classifies us into a few groups such as gender, race, or religion—groups that are often assumed to be in conflict. Sometime, when the issue comes up naturally—your child heard an ethnic slur used at school, for example, or your newspaper reports a bigoted statement made by a politician—play this game:

Have your whole family sit down with pencil and paper, set a timer, and take 5 minutes for each of you to list every group you can think of that you belong to. When the 5 minutes are up, compare lists and make suggestions to each other about how to get a nice, long list—say, thirty items. They can be trivial (“people whose favorite color is purple”) or serious (“people with learning disabilities”), voluntary (“favorite sport is hockey”) or involuntary (“left-handed”). The game prepares you to talk about how complicated people are, and the many ways in which each of us has something in common with everyone else.²⁰

What’s in a word? Exploring other languages is fun, and teaches appreciation of cultural diversity, partly because different languages often reflect different ways of thought. If you and/or your parenting partner speak more than one language, speak two languages at home, at least part of the time. Otherwise, get some bilingual dictionaries or use the Internet to learn five ways to say important words and phrases like “please,”“thank you,”“far away,”“silly,” or anything else the kids choose (have a “word for the day,” a “word for the week,” theme words, such as sports terminology or birds’ names—whatever your family enjoys).

Out and about. Visit ethnic neighborhoods. Go on holidays like Chinese New Year or Cinco de Mayo, but also at any time of year visit neighborhood cultural centers, grocery stores, and so forth, surrounding yourself with sounds and signs in another language—and maybe bringing home a new food to try. (If you live in a very homogeneous community, save this idea for a vacation.)

Understand the other side. It’s always tempting to demonize the opposition, especially when their behavior is obnoxious. But we do need to see their humanity, even if we continue to disagree with their point of view. It’s worth watching the movie Jesus Camp together to understand the influences that make evangelicals act the way they do—especially if your kids know others who are religiously self-righteous. Watch for the scene in which the kids at the camp are being told that if they ever think “dirty” thoughts, they are “hypocrites,” and discuss why the kids are crying.

It’s equally important, of course, to point out that the people in Jesus Camp don’t represent all religious believers, many of whom have values that give them much more in common with the nonreligious than with their more extreme coreligionists. For example, you could visit websites of pro-choice Catholics who speak up against their church’s hierarchy, or talk about how segments of many religious denominations support gay rights, and how others refuse to condemn those outside their faiths as “evil.”

Using Literature to Talk About Ethics

All ages

Keep your eyes open for opportunities to have conversations with your children about the ethical messages of books and movies. Don’t be heavy-handed and bring them up every time, but do it when you feel strongly, and be responsive to your kids’ own questions. Ask them what they think of statements by the author, or the characters’ actions. Here are a couple of examples:

Read the popular children’s book The Little Prince. In one part of the story, the prince describes his travels to imaginary planets. On one planet, the prince finds a man whose job is to light the village gaslights every night (here’s your chance to offer a little history education!). The town is deserted now, but the lamplighter continues his nightly rounds because it is “his duty.” The prince admires this attitude. Ask your child, “Do you agree?”

Watch the new movie version of Charlotte’s Web with your family. In this story, a little girl named Fern makes a pet of a pig who is the runt of the litter, naming him Wilbur. Ultimately, a spider named Charlotte, who lives in the barn with Wilbur, saves his life. Another character in the story is a very self-centered rat named Templeton. Questions you might ask:

•   When Fern’s father is about to slaughter Wilbur, Fern stops him, protesting, “I promised Wilbur I would protect him.” Her father tries to release her from the promise, but she replies, “I promised Wilbur, not you.” How about it? Can one person release you from your promise to another person?

•   When Wilbur is at the County Fair, Fern barely pays attention to him, instead spending most of her time with a friend from school. Is that disloyal? (The author clearly didn’t think so, but it will be interesting to see what your kids think—especially whether the older kids do get what the author was driving at.)

•   Templeton the rat runs various errands—sometimes risky ones—for Charlotte and Wilbur, but only when they bribe him. Ask your kids, “Is Templeton a true friend?”

•   When Charlotte weaves a web that describes Wilbur as “Some Pig,” people call it “a miracle.” What does that tell us about miracles?

For more ideas on how to discuss stories with young children, take a look at the website “Teaching Children Philosophy” at www.teachingchildrenphilosophy.com. (At the time of writing, this site was called “Philosophy for Children: Philosophical Questions from Children’s Stories” and was located at www.mtholyoke.edu/omc/kidsphil/stories.html, but plans are underway to permanently relocate to the new URL above). There’s lots of information for parents, including very specific discussions of the philosophical issues in deservedly popular children’s books (not all of them are ethical issues, but all of them are well worth reading). Don’t feel you have to use every question from every question set. Adapt to what works for you, and most of all, have fun!

 

Resources

Understanding Ethical Development

Dobrin, Arthur. Ethical People and How They Get to Be That Way (in press). This book will be available through the Ethical Humanist Society of Long Island. Check for availability at www.ehsli.org/pubs/index.php. Dobrin has taught a wide range of courses including moral education at Hofstra University and led the Ethical Humanist Society of Long Island for over thirty years. Ethical People is academic and philosophical in tone, with in-depth treatments of topics including research on children’s moral reasoning, empathy, and a chapter on social issues affecting moral development. To get a feel for the scope of this book, see “Forty Things You Can Do to Raise a Moral Child” in the first Appendix of this book.

Faber, Adele, and Elaine Mazlish. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (New York: Avon Books, 1999) A practical, enjoyable oldie-still-goodie, How to Talk teaches communication skills that put parents and kids on the same team, solving problems together. It helps new parents start off right and others change ways that haven’t been working. There are plenty of practical exercises and anecdotes; new chapters answer questions from readers. The best chapter may be the one on helping kids step out of old roles.

Greater Good Science Center (at UC Berkeley), “Half Full Blog”

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/half_full/

“Tools … for parents interested in raising happy and emotionally literate kids.” A growing list of articles and videos on everything from “how to praise” to “helping kids … replace bad habits with good ones.” It includes a complete list of references to original research—and translates them into understandable, practical terms.

Institute for Humanist Studies Parenting Resources

www.HumanistParenting.org

Columns by and for humanist parents; reviews of books, DVDs, games, and other products; information on secular ceremonies; analysis of research and claims about parenting and child development; and links to other resources for humanist families.

Kohn, Alfie. Unconditional Parenting: Moving From Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason (New York: Atria Books, 2005). The title says it all. Not a general parenting book, but a thorough, well researched discussion of the disadvantages of both punishments and rewards (yes, really!), explaining why they are methods for controlling rather than supporting children.

Article “Beyond the Golden Rule: A Parent’s Guide to Preventing and Responding to Prejudice” at www.tolerance.org

Introduction to Parenting Styles

Berkowitz, M.W., and J.H. Grych. “Fostering Goodness: Teaching Parents to Facilitate Children’s Moral Development.” Journal of Moral Education, 27(3) (1998), 371–391. Available online at http://parenthood.library.wisc.edu/Berkowitz/Berkowitz.html, this article includes a table correlating “Child Moral Development Outcomes” with “Selected Parenting Variables”; for example, “induction” is correlated with empathy, conscience, altruism, and moral reasoning.

Crosser, Sandra.“Helping Young Children to Develop Character.” Early Childhood News (www.earlychildhoodnews.com/earlychildhood/article_view.aspx?ArticleID=246). Includes practical tips such as “Listen to children: … Physically get down on the child’s level…. Ask questions …,” and advice for setting standards and negotiating solutions.

Exploring Humanist Ethics

American Ethical Union, “Eight Commitments of Ethical Culture”

http://aeu.org/library/display_article.php?article_id=3

Bennett, Helen. Humanism, What’s That? A Book for Curious Kids (New York: Prometheus, 2005). For ages 10 and up, this book might be too simple for some 14-year-olds. The circumstances given for a teacher’s discussion of humanism with some of her students seem unrealistic, but the students ask questions your kids are likely to hear from their peers, and the teacher’s answers are comprehensive and clear. Discuss the book with your kids; don’t just hand it to them. It’s a reasonable overview, and you can fill in the gaps. Activities and discussion questions mix suggestions that are appropriate for different ages and aren’t clearly related to the text.

Pearson, Beth. “The Art of Creating Ethics Man.” Originally appearing in The Herald of Scotland in January 2006, this outstanding article provides a summary of the latest research in moral development, quite directly opposing the usual perspective of religious adherents. A long excerpt is available at the British Humanist Association website at www.humanism.org.uk/site/cms/contentViewArticle.asp?article=2134.

Grayling, A.C. Meditations for the Humanist: Ethics for a Secular Age (London: Oxford University Press, 2003). One of the best available titles addressing humanist ethics through naturalistic reflections on human life.

International Humanist and Ethical Union (IHEU). “Statement of Fundamental Principles.” http://iheu.org/amsterdamdeclaration. A shorter version is at http://iheu.org/resolutions.

Wisdom Quotes

www.wisdomquotes.com

Jone Johnson-Lewis, leader of the Northern Virginia Ethical Society has selected eloquent, thought-provoking quotations. Categories include “Humanism,” “Ethics,” “Compassion.”

Books for the Kids

Association for Library Service to Children, “Recommended Book Lists”

www.ala.org/ala/alsc/alscresources/booklists/booklists.htm

Topics include “Holidays,” “Growing Up Around the World,” “Diversity,” and more.

Barker, Dan. Maybe Right, Maybe Wrong (Amherst, NY: Prometheus, 1992). A classic and a winner. Ages 6–10.

Dobrin, Arthur. Love Your Neighbor: Stories of Values and Virtues (New York: Scholastic, 1999). Kids will want to read this delightfully illustrated book over and over. Stories are rich: In each one, there’s more going on than the value in question. For example, different family types are presented, and settings and characters stimulate curiosity (“What is a cuscus?”“Where is Tashkent?”). Each story ends with a thoughtful question, not an obvious “moral.” Used in the Ethical Culture curriculum described on p. 61. Pre-K to 6.

Gordon, Sol. All Families Are Different (Amherst, NY: Prometheus, 2000). Simple, nonjudgmental descriptions of all kinds of families, emphasizing that what really matters is that “you” (the reader) are loved. Ages 4–8.

Humphrey, Sandra McLeod. It’s Up to You … What Do You Do? (ages 9–12) and More If You Had to Choose What Would You Do? (ages 7+) (Amherst, NY: Prometheus, 1999 and 2003). If You Had to Choose … was reviewed in Parenting Beyond Belief, and the stories in It’s Up to You have much the same strengths and weaknesses. They are conversation starters more than stories. The situations and conflicts they describe are realistic, but characters are not developed. Sometimes, the questions at the end of the stories point to an obvious moral, but you and your child can make up your own questions.

Clegg, Luther B., et al. “How to Choose the Best Multicultural Books” in Scholastic Books Parents’ Resources, http://content.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=3757. Article includes reviews of fifty children’s books—ten each for five ethnic groups.

Cohen, Randy. The Good, the Bad, and the Difference: How to Tell Right from Wrong in Everyday Situations (New York: Doubleday, 2002). Reprints of the New York Times Magazine column “The Ethicist.” Chapters include “Family Life” and “School Life,” with replies to readers’ criticisms. Don’t miss “I Demand a Recant,” describing how Cohen changed his mind after getting more information, demonstrating how people may justifiably change their minds. Witty answers to questions so down-to-earth that my grocer posted a column in the produce section. Ages 14 and up.

Helping Parents Find Books on Ethics for Kids

Council on Interracial Books for Children. “10 Quick Ways to Analyze Children’s Books,” www.birchlane.davis.ca.us/library/10quick.htm.

Linville, Darla. “Queer & Questioning Teens.” www.nypl.org/branch/features/index2.cfm?PFID=160. Reviews of twelve novels and story collections with gay teen characters.

Roberts, Lisen C., and Heather T. Hill. “Children’s Books That Break Gender Role Stereotypes” (National Association for the Education of Young Children, 2003) www.journal.naeyc.org/btj/200303/Books4Children.pdf

Ethical Education Curricula

Lassen, Veronica, and Debbie Grieb. “Heart Talk for Kids” curriculum. “Our community has tried the ‘Heart Talk’ curriculum,” says Jone Johnson-Lewis, Leader of the Northern Virginia Ethical Society. “It’s based on the principles of Non-Violent Communication and is wonderfully humanistic. The teachers tell me it’s one of the best they’ve worked with, for detailed instructions that help them feel confident about teaching. They only needed to make a couple of minor adaptations. Parents are using words like ‘transformed’ about how it’s impacted their families.” The curriculum has different modules for different age groups.

The curriculum is designed for use in established moral education programs. You could recommend it to your group’s educator or use it in a parents’ group that has been functioning for at least two years.

Outline, ordering information, sample lesson at www.uucards.org/lassen0807.php.

Religious Education Committee of the American Ethical Union. “Love Your Neighbor: An Exploration of Values”—preschool through elementary age. Free download from American Ethical Union at http://64.118.87.15/~aeuorg/library/articles/Love_Your_Neighbor_exploration.pdf. Each lesson is based on a story from Arthur Dobrin’s Love Your Neighbor (reviewed with other books on moral reasoning), with lots of optional activities and ideas that parents can use a small groups or even one child. What’s great about this curriculum is that it shows how to bring stories to life or your children, integrating with other experiences and leading to reflection.

Forgiveness

Spring, Janis A. How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not to (New York: HarperCollins, 2004). The examples and discussions in this book emphasize adult relationships and experiences, but it goes deeply into the principles and practices outlined in the “Steps to Seeking Forgiveness” in the Appendix. Also, if you have unresolved problems with your parents, this book might help you cope with pain that could otherwise affect your relationships with your own children.

Greater Good magazine. Symposium on forgiveness, including an article on how to apologize. http://peacecenter.berkeley.edu/greatergood/archive/2004fallwinter/

Experiencing and Appreciating Diversity

Nondiscriminatory Extracurricular Programs for Kids

4-H clubs serve 6.5 million urban and rural youth nationwide, with programs in science, engineering and technology, healthy living, and citizenship. 4-H groups are sponsored by extension programs at public universities and cannot discriminate on the basis of religion. Find a nearby club at www.FourHCouncil.edu/find4H.aspx.

Camp Fire USA now serves both boys and girls. Camp Fire is “inclusive, open to every person in the communities we serve, welcoming children, youth and adults regardless of race, religion, or other aspect of diversity. [Our] programs are designed … to reduce … stereotypes and to foster positive intercultural relationships.” Use the “Council Locator” at www.campfire.org to find a group near you.

The National Camp Association (NCA) provides a free summer camp referral service online, offering personalized guidance and referrals for parents selecting a residential “sleepaway.” All camps recommended by NCA “are accredited in accordance with government regulations and have received a positive evaluation from NCA and from parents.” NCA does not accredit camps that have discriminatory policies. www.summercamp.org

The Sierra Club Inner City Outings program provides low-income, inner-city youth with trips to the wilderness. “Is moving towards its long-term commitment to give every child in America an opportunity to have an outdoor experience.” So far this program has developed activities in only a few states. www.sierraclub.org/ico

Programs for Ethical Education and Action

Facing History and Ourselves

www.facinghistory.org/campus/reslib.nsf

This nonprofit offers teacher education, curriculum resource development, traveling exhibits (with study guides), community conversations, and other programs to promote tolerance and civic engagement by teaching about historical events such as the Holocaust and desegregation. Visit this site to find out how you can bring its programs to your children’s schools or your community.

Tell your middle- and high-school-age kids about the “Be the Change” website with stories of students around the world who have found ways to make a difference. www.facinghistory.org/Campus/bethechange.nsf/home?OpenForm

Tolerance.org

www.tolerance.org

This award-winning website is a project of the Southern Poverty Law Center. With pages for parents, teachers, teens, and kids, this site is brimming with resources for promoting tolerance, fighting bigotry, and celebrating diversity. Look for the map to locate social justice groups in your community (www.tolerance.org/maps/social_justice/index.html). Beyond the Golden Rule: A Parent’s Guide to Preventing and Responding to Prejudice is a 31-page handbook with age-specific advice, downloadable by clicking the book-cover icon at www.tolerance.org/parents/index.jsp.

Uno Hon, Ochen Idees²¹

Perry, Susan K. Playing Smart: The Family Guide to Enriching, Offbeat Learning Activities (Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing, 2001). Chapter 12, “Cultural Diversity: It’s All Relative” is jam-packed with fascinating activities and information, including body language in different cultures and “Global Game-Playing.” Order online at www.BunnyApe.com.

Notes

1.   Darling, Nancy. “Parenting Style and Its Correlates.” Clearinghouse on Elementary and Early Childhood Education EDO-PS-99-3, March 1999. Accessed May 2, 2008, from www.athealth.com/Practitioner/ceduc/parentingstyles.html

2.   Grusec, J.E., and J. J. Goodnow, “Impact of Parental Discipline on the Child’s Internalization of Values: A Reconceptualization of Current Points of View,” Developmental Psychology, 30 (1994). Cited in Dobrin, Arthur, Ethical People and How They Get to Be That Way (in press), chapter 5.

3.   Oliner, pp. 181–182.

4.   Quoted in Pearson, Beth, “The Art of Creating Ethics Man,” The Herald (Scotland), January 23, 2006.

5.   Pearson, ibid.

6.   Quoted by permission from Kidder, Rushworth M., Moral Courage (Institute for Global Ethics All rights reserved). This list first appears on page 10.

7.   At one point in the movie Jesus Camp, a child of fundamentalist parents says that Galileo was right to renounce his scientific findings for religious reasons.

8.   Quoted by permission. The complete list is at www.ethicalstl.org/sunschool.shtml and in the first Appendix. Accessed May 2, 2008.

9.   While there are concerns that Kohlberg’s research is limited by its methodology and by its emphasis on reasoning about justice, it is undeniably useful in understanding the many levels and facets of moral understanding. For further exploration of these stages and their implications, see Dobrin, Arthur, Ethical People and How They Got That Way (in press), Chapter 3.

10.   Callaghan, T., P. Rochat, A. Lillard, M.L. Claux, H. Odden, S. Itakura, S. Tapanya, and S. Singh, “Synchrony in the Onset of Mental State Reasoning: Evidence from 5 Cultures,” Psychological Science. (At time of writing this article is still in press, and available online at www.faculty.virginia.edu/early-social-cognition-lab/reprints/reprints.html. Accessed May 11, 2008.) Children in numerous cultures, both schooled and unschooled, were studied.

11.   Kohn, pp. 34–36; Faber and Mazlish, pp. 174–176 (complete citations in Resources).

12.   De Waal, Frans, Peacemaking Among Primates (Boston: Harvard University Press, 1990), p. 270.

13.   Spring, Janice Abrahms, How Can I Forgive You? (New York: HarperCollins, 2005), pp. 51–117.

14.   De Waal, p. 270.

15.   Kohn, Alfie, Unconditional Parenting (New York: Atria Books, 2005), p. 204.

16.   Dobrin, Chapter 3.

17.   Pearson, Beth, “The Art of Creating Ethics Man,” The Herald (Scotland), January 23, 2006. Accessed February 15, 2008, from www.humanism.org.uk/site/cms/contentViewArticle.asp?article=2134

18.   When I attended a lecture by Paul Rusesabagina, the person on whose story the movie Hotel Rwanda is based, an audience member asked him how he found the courage to protect and provide for the people he helped—sometimes at gunpoint. He replied that he was just being himself, a hotel manager, whose job was to take care of his guests. (Not surprisingly, his autobiography is titled An Ordinary Man. Proceeds of the book’s sales are donated to a foundation that helps orphans and survivors of the Rwandan genocide.)

19.   Adapted from the Camp Quest ethics curriculum. Used by permission.

20.   This suggestion is inspired by Sen, Amartya, Identity and Violence: The Illusion of Destiny (New York: W. W. Norton, 2007). The book is really an extended essay; it’s 240 pages but they’re small pages. Written by a humanist and Nobel-winning economist, it might be worth reading with some high-school-age children. An argument against a worldview that divides people into “boxes” defined by religion, it also includes some very interesting personal anecdotes and discussions of cultural history. Some people might find it too repetitive, so you might prefer to try finding it at the library.

21.   That’s Spanish for “one,” Japanese for “book,” Russian for “many,” and French for “ideas.”