Chapter 4
Hippo Time Is Ok
Recently a delegate took me to one side and said, ‘Paul, I enjoy what you’re saying and I agree with it up to a point. But sometimes it isn’t easy to SUMO. Sometimes I’m not ready to move on. Is that wrong?’
You may be thinking the same question. To answer it, let me tell you about my friend Steve.
Steve was recounting how his favourite rugby league team had lost an important cup match. When he returned home his wife, who does not share his passion for rugby, said, ‘Never mind, there’s always next year.’ At the time, this was the last thing Steve wanted to hear. ‘I just wanted to wallow, to be left alone and to dwell on what might have been,’ he told me.
None of us want to hear some well-meaning person telling us to cheer up when we’ve just experienced a major setback or disappointment. The fact is, telling someone to SUMO might, in some circumstances, be both insensitive and unhelpful, particularly if what they have experienced is serious and significant.
So what should we do?
When Steve used the term ‘wallow’, a picture of a hippopotamus wallowing in mud immediately sprang to mind. It was then that I realized that, on occasions, before people can SUMO they may need to wallow – to have, as I call it, some Hippo Time. So let’s explore when we might need Hippo Time.
When Hippo Time might be necessary
The need for Hippo Time will vary according to the person and their situation. But here are some events that may trigger a period of wallowing (the list is similar to the one we looked at in the E + R = O chapter):
- Your partner dumps you.
- You miss out on that promotion at work.
- You are one number short of a big win on the lottery.
- You miss your train or plane.
- Your sports team loses an important match.
- You fail to get the job you were interviewed for.
- A publisher rejects your latest book proposal.
- An event you were looking forward to is cancelled unexpectedly.
- A friend lets you down in some way.
- You discover your brand new conservatory has a structurally unsafe roof and the company that built it has gone out of business (I’ll explain this one later).
- Your organization announces more changes and, as a result, you move departments.
- Your house is broken into.
- You lose or break something of sentimental value.
- You are made redundant.
- You’re an England football fan and the game has gone to penalties.
Why not add two of your own events that have led to a legitimate time of wallowing?
Why do we need Hippo Time?
To be simply told to Shut Up, Move On when any, or if you are really unlucky, all of the above has occurred is to deny reality. As human beings we are, by nature, emotional. A life without experiencing emotional highs and lows would be boring and bland. You are not a robot who can turn your emotions on and off at the flick of a switch. In order to move on, you need, at times, to acknowledge the emotions you are feeling. There will be occasions when, with the help of the seven questions we explored in Chapter 3, we can SUMO in an instant. But let us be real here – there will be other occasions when we need to take a Hippo Time detour.
Hippo Time provides you with the opportunity to experience your emotional lows and to be honest about those feelings.
Understanding our emotions
Sometimes we can become confused about our emotions. Is it wrong to cry? Should we always be happy? Let’s get some clarity about our emotions.
| Unhelpful beliefs about emotions | Helpful beliefs about emotions |
| Showing emotions makes you appear weak | Emotions are part of what makes us human |
| Men should never express their emotions | Expressing emotions is a release valve for internal pressure |
| Showing emotions embarrasses other people | No feeling is wrong; it is what we do with the feelings that counts |
Emotions are valid but they can also create confusion within us. Some people I know actually find value in keeping a ‘feelings diary’. Rather than record what they did on a particular day, they record how they felt. Writing down our feelings may help us gain a greater insight into ourselves and also help us notice how our emotions vary from day to day.
Having Hippo Time can be extremely helpful. But it can also be very unproductive. So how can you make the most of Hippo Time? Who is best to help you during this period and who should you avoid? How can you prevent yourself wallowing for too long? Here are some ground rules:
Top three tips for Hippo Time
Tip 1 Be careful who you talk to
The phrase ‘a trouble shared is a trouble halved’ is an important principle, but it is not always appropriate. There are people who have the unique ability to make you feel worse after you have spoken to them. I refer to these people as ‘Awfulisers’. Their favourite phrase is, unsurprisingly, ‘That’s awful’.
A friend of mine recalls how, having received a parking ticket, a colleague in his office told him he was the unluckiest person he had ever met. My friend was reminded of all the ‘unlucky events’ that had occurred to him over the last twelve months (many of which he had forgotten). When his colleague was told the cost of the ticket, the reply came, ‘That’s awful, just think what you could have done with that money’.
Some people, in seeking to help, encourage you to wear the Victim T-shirt and, metaphorically speaking, they are giving you more mud to wallow in. When you start talking to certain people you have a problem, but it’s quickly turning to depression.
Also, avoid people who are only too keen to share advice or their experiences before you have had a chance to vent. They will hijack your Hippo Time to recount all their worries and woes. Suddenly your issue becomes their issue – it’s now all about them, not you.
You may also want to avoid those ‘I am positive but I have no grasp of reality’ people. You lose your legs in an accident, and they smile sincerely and say, ‘At least you’ve still got your arms’. Or you split up with your partner and they say ‘There’s plenty more fish in the sea’.
You need to find someone who is prepared to actively listen, who allows you to talk and who doesn’t feel obliged to offer advice. And it can be a challenge to find such a person.
Tip 2 Be careful how many people you talk to
Our temptation when asked the question, ‘How are you?’ or, ‘How was your weekend?’ is to answer honestly and comprehensively. After all, if I’m in Hippo Time and someone asks the question, I’m entitled to give them an answer. Right? Wrong. There are two reasons why you have to be discerning about how many people you tell your troubles to.
Firstly, the more times you tell your story, the more you replay and re-live the negative experience and emotions associated with it. Distracted perhaps by a particular task or activity, you may actually feel fine until a colleague or neighbour enquires how you are.
In that moment you have a choice. I am not suggesting that you ‘put on a brave face’ and deny that you are in Hippo Time. However, the question is this: does this person really want to know how you are, or are they simply making polite conversation? If it is the latter, give them your ten-second version of your story. If it is the former, then you may choose to tell the longer version, but only if you feel you want to.
This piece of SUMO wisdom is so important to remember:
Secondly – how can I put this nicely? Actually, I can’t. So here goes: in my experience, around 80% of people who ask you how you are, are not particularly interested in your answer. Not only can it be unhelpful to go into replay mode about your troubles, but you may also be labelled a bore. So, for everyone’s sake, beware how many people you share your Hippo Time with.
Tip 3 Be careful how long your Hippo Time lasts
Some people can get used to wallowing in the mud. You may have been encouraged to lengthen your stay due to the attention you receive and wallowing can feel comfortable and comforting. But ultimately, spending too long in the mud of self-pity becomes unhelpful.
So how long should you spend in Hippo Time?
Well, sorry to be vague, but it depends. When you start to reflect on the seven questions to develop Fruity Thinking, you are getting closer to moving on. However, the length of time you spend wallowing depends on several factors:
- The seriousness of the issue.
- The support you receive from others.
- The amount of pay-offs you are receiving for staying in the mud (attention, sympathy, supply of Victim T-shirts, etc.)
- Your willingness to explore how to move on.
I am not here to give you guidelines on how long you need to wallow (e.g. broken relationship – four weeks; scratched car – three days; missing out on promotion – one week). But remember this:
In order to move on, there is more to be gained by you looking forward than there is from you looking back. You need to be honest with yourself and ask this question:
‘What is it costing me in terms of energy and opportunity to remain stuck in Hippo Time?’
The answer to this question should help you decide on how long you spend wallowing.
How do you help someone during Hippo Time?
It is probably helpful to start with what not to do.
- Don’t fake-listen (i.e. pretend you are listening, when in fact you are wondering what to have for tea tonight, or whether your kids remembered to take their PE kit to school). The person talking will eventually realize you are not listening when they notice your eyes. They will be glazed over. You’ll be having an OBE – an ‘Out of Body Experience’. You know what I mean: the wheel’s turning but the hamster’s dead.
- Don’t keep interrupting the other person with phrases such as, ‘The same thing happened to me’, or, ‘I know how you feel’. (How can you know how I feel? Is your conservatory structurally unsafe too?)
- Don’t invade their Hippo Time and have yours instead. This is usually pre-empted with the comment, ‘Well, you think that’s bad – you should hear what happened to me today’. Your turn will come, just be patient.
- Don’t keep using the phrase, ‘That’s awful’ or ‘That’s terrible’. (Express some concern, but don’t overdo it. What are you trying to do? Make them feel worse than they already are?)
Here’s what to do instead
- Work hard (and it can be hard work) to give the other person your full attention. If it’s not a convenient time for you to listen, let them know when would be a good time.
- Allow the person to vent, i.e. get things off their chest.
- Allow the person to cry (if they need to) – no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel.
- Use phrases such as, ‘It’s OK to be angry’ or ‘You seem very hurt by that’. (Use language you are comfortable with. I’m not suggesting you need to sound like a therapist.)
- Give the other person space. Some people (particularly men) prefer to spend Hippo Time on their own. It would be helpful to say, ‘Look, I appreciate you’re upset. You know where I am if you need me’, and then allow them time to themselves.
- When you feel it is appropriate, you might then use humour to diffuse the situation or put things into perspective. (Remember you need to be really careful about this, so if in doubt, avoid doing it.)
In a nutshell
Hippo Time is a valid place to be for some people before they can Shut Up, Move On. To deny and suppress our hurt and disappointment is unhealthy. However, spending too long in Hippo Time, especially with the wrong people, will not aid our recovery.