affinity groups, for new fathers, 24
anxiety, and expectant fathers, 22–23
“asking” strategy for flexible work, 103
backup childcare, 51, 52, 53, 60
Bailyn, Lotte, 4–5, 6, 7, 8–9, 10
Barnes, Christopher M., 127–136
“bending” strategy for flexible work, 103, 104
Benson, Lisa, 75
Beyla, Chaya, 78
Black mothers. See mothers of color
bosses. See managers and supervisors
Boston College Center for Work & Family, 24, 26
Break Time for Nursing Mothers law, 112
Breastfeeding Center of Greater Washington, 145
career goals, setting after return to work, 159–160
Carter, Christine Michel, 107–114
Center for Work & Family, Boston College, 24, 26
backup care in, 51, 52, 53, 60
choosing the best provider for, 59
communicating with your partner about, 96
comparison of types available, 51–56
costs of, 53
deciding on the right kind for your family, 57–58
doing practice runs before return to work, 87–88
employer-sponsored options in, 60–61
interviewing potential providers in, 56–57
making changes when needed, 62
mothers of color and hours spent in, 109
planning parental leave and identifying options in, 8
questions for working with in-home providers in, 63–70
rehearsing transition to, 170–171, 175–176
solo parent’s sharing of home and duties in, 74–75
taking the long view in, 185
child-rearing
fathers’ increased interest in, 21
mother’s professional sacrifices and, 38–40
Coabode, 75
Cole, Joni, 73
communication
about abilities and family life during return to work, xiv–xv, 88–89, 186
as challenge for working parents, 169
with in-home childcare providers, 68
setting boundaries for, during parental leave, 7
companies
flexible work policies of, 103–104
new mothers of color and policies of, 110–111, 114
return-to-work policies of, 98–99
supporting new fathers in, 24, 26
contracts, with in-home childcare, 56
coworkers
communicating about projects with, after return to work, 161
setting boundaries around pumping with, 122–123
setting expectations with, during return to work, 89, 186
supporting after return to work, 163–164
Daminger, Alison, 42
daycare
doing practice runs with, 87–88
CPE (conception, planning, execution) model in, 42–43
“getting it right the first time” in, 39, 45–46
mother’s professional sacrifices and, 38–40
organizational systems in, 42–44
sleep quality and sharing of, 134
Dowling, Daisy, xiii–xvii, 63–70, 84–85, 86–88, 88–90, 90–91, 165–177
Dumesnil, Cheryl, 77
Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs), 61, 110
Employee Resource Groups (ERGs), 112, 114
Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA), 111–112
family members
as childcare providers, 56, 66, 68–69 (see also in-home childcare)
solo parent’s sharing of home with, 74–75
fatherhood, 19–27. See also working fathers
accepting transition to, 22–24
discovering everyday joys in, 148–149
life transition phases and, 21
updating your life story for, 27
using rituals for transition to, 23–24
flexible work
corporate policies and, 103–104
documenting successes with, 105–106
job crafting your tasks for, 102–103
negotiating for return to work, 101–106
strategies for asking, bending, and shaping in, 103–104
supporting for coworkers, 163–164
transition-out plan using, 11
ways of asking bosses for, 104–106
working fathers and, 26
goals for career, setting after return to work, 159–160
Goldin, Claudia, 158
Hardy, Janelle, 74
Harvard Study of Adult Development, 46
household tasks. See domestic work
HR department
communicating about your return experience to, 183–184
employer-sponsored childcare and, 60, 61
planning parental leave with, 5
PPD support and, 145
pumping policies and, 117, 120
identity challenge, for working parents, 170
imposter syndrome, 109
checking about rest and renewal time for caregivers in, 68–69
clarifying communication structure in, 68
expressing appreciation in, 69
integrating caregivers into your support network in, 67
knowing your apprehensions about, 65
negotiated versus paid aspects of, 66
questions for working with, 63–70
talking about what matters most with caregivers in, 66–67
understanding your interactions with caregivers in, 69–70
interviews, of childcare providers, 56–57
Kronenberg, Heidi, 76
Leader You Want to Be, The (Su), 149
leave. See parental leave
Let Mommy Sleep service, 144
managers and supervisors
asking for flexible work from, 104–106
asking for support from, 181
checking in with, before return from parental leave, 9
communicating with, during return to work, 88–89, 91–92, 97–98, 186
lobbying for what you need from, 97–98
meeting with before return to work, 9, 162
meetings with, during parental leave, 162
monthly meetings with, after your return to work, 162
mothers of color and interactions with, 113–114
transition-out plan and, 6, 10, 162
maternity leave. See parental leave
Mayo Clinic, 141
Men4Change initiative, Oliver Wyman, 164
Messinger, Dr. Lauren, 141
childcare hours of, 109
corporate policies and, 112, 114
imposter syndrome and, 109
managers’ interactions with, 113–114
playing up motherhood by, 111–112
return to work tactics of, 110–111
support networks for, 112
nannes, 54–55, 56, 58, 59, 66. See also in-home childcare
nanny shares, 55
attending meetings during, 7
checking about options with HR department before, 5
communicating about your projects before taking, 160–161
defining career goals during, 159–160
establishing communication boundaries during, 7
HBR.org resources on, 22
identifying childcare options before, 8
letting go of projects while on, 8–9
overcommunicating your aspirations and plans before taking, 162
returning to work after (see return to work after parental leave)
transition-out plan in, 6, 162
paternity leave. See parental leave
Pew Research Center, 30
postpartum depression (PPD), 137–146
finding resources on, 145
online meditation and education apps for, 144–145
online support groups and, 143–144
rejecting social media images of motherhood and, 143–144
returning gradually to work and, 146
sleep deprivation and, 144
spectrum of mood disorders in, 141
stress of return to work and, 141
PPD. See postpartum depression
doing practice runs before return to work, 88, 118–119
establishing a timetable for, 121–122
finding support networks for, 123
preparing and planning for, 117–120
setting boundaries around, 122–123
understanding policies covering, 120
using pumping rooms in, 121
remote work
identity as a new mother and shift to, 16
negotiating for return to work using, 101–106
solo parents and, 76
return to work after parental leave, 81–124
accepting emotional changes during early weeks of, 85–86
being honest and realistic with yourself about, 9–10
building your sense of self with your partner for, 95–97
communicating to HR about your experience of, 183–184
communicating with your boss during, 88–89, 91–92, 97–98, 186
doing practice runs with caregivers before, 87–88
expectations about, 183
feelings about missing your baby during, 184
focusing your time after, 160–161
getting information about new projects and changes during, 185
guilt and emotional toll of, 183
making adjustments and course corrections after, 162–163
meeting with your boss before, 9, 162
monthly meetings with your boss after, 162
need for flexibility during, 92
negotiating work arrangements for, 101–106
new mother of color and, 107–114
planning deliberate time with your child during, 90
ramping up your career after, 157–164
resetting your expectations about, 90–91
setting expectations with coworkers during, 89, 186
setting career goals after, 159–160
starting fresh rather than catching up during, 184
supporting coworkers in similar positions after, 163–164
three things to focus on during, 93–99
transition-back memo in, 6–7, 9
transition challenge in, 168
understanding corporate policies about, 98–99
working part time versus full time after, 86–87, 92
rituals
for new working parents, 153–154
for transition to fatherhood, 23–24
Robinson, Conrod, 75
schedules
auditing commitments, tasks, and obligations in, 171–172, 175, 176
communicating with colleagues about, 89
family priorities and changes in, xiv–xv, 160
fathers’ new approaches to, 26
regular meetings with caregivers on, 68
solo parents and atypical approaches to, 75–76
time management skills and, 186
during transition back to work, 86–87, 92
senior leadership, gender gap in, 164
“shaping” strategy for flexible work, 103–104
limiting blue-light exposure for, 131–132
prioritizing getting daily amount needed, 130
regulating screen use for, 132
resist worrying about, 133
setting a consistent routine and schedule for, 131, 132
sharing household chores to improve quality of, 134
timing of conversations about problems and, 133
sleep deprivation
PPD and, 144
building support networks for, 77–78
home location and commuting time of, 75
saving time and setting priorities by, 73–74
sharing homes and childcare arrangements by, 74–75
working schedules and, 76
State of Black Women in Corporate America (LeanIn.Org), 113
Stern, Denise, 144
Leader You Want to Be, The, 149
success, rethinking definition of, as working mothers, 16–17
supervisors. See managers and supervisors
support groups
for new working fathers, 24
for pumping issues, 123
for solo parents, 78
support networks
in-home childcare providers’ interactions with, 67
new mothers of color and, 112
pumping at work and, 123
systems, for dividing domestic work, 42–44
communicating about being a mother with, 185
discussions and plans about return from parental leave with, 10
negotiating for flexible work and role and relationship with, 105
setting expectations with during return to work, 89
transition-out plan for parental leave and, 6, 10–11
transition-back memo, for parental leave, 6–7, 9
transition-out plan, for parental leave, 6
Weaver, Kaleena, 74
Williams, Joan C., 4, 6, 7, 8, 9
Witter, Shantell, 76
work hours. See flexible work
working fathers. See also fatherhood; working parents
concern about work felt by, 23
creating new habits at home by, 25–26
discovering everyday joys by, 148–149
role models for, 25
support groups for, 24
working mothers. See also working parents
child-rearing and professional sacrifices of, 38–40
cognitive changes in motherhood and, 15
collision of working and motherhood identities in, 14–16
feelings about missing your baby experienced by, 184
guilt and emotional toll of return to work by, 183
letting go of self-criticism by, 18
rethinking your definition of success by, 16–17
understanding your identity as, 13–18
working parents. See also working fathers; working mothers; solo parents
asking for support by, 182
auditing commitments, tasks, and obligations by, 171–172, 175, 176
communication challenge for, 169
core questions for, xv–xvi
defining what each parent wants, 31–32
determining losses in decision made by, 33–34
financial needs and constraints of, 32–33
five questions to ask themselves, 29–35
flexibility and, 183
framing used by, 172–173, 175, 176–177
identity challenge for, 170
loss challenge for, 169
practicalities (to-do’s and logistics) facing, 168–169
prioritizing your relationship and staying close to each other, 34–35
rehearsing transitions by, 170–171, 175–176
returning to work by (see return to work after parental leave)
revisiting and recasting identities by, 174–175, 176
roles of, 33
setting boundaries by, 182
techniques for managing and preventing challenges by, 170
“today plus 20 years” thinking and, 173–174
transition challenge for, 168
working-parent problem and, 167