Chapter 4
Schmooze or Lose
Many people believe that success in business is based solely on numbers and money or that success in life is about focus, discipline, and goal attainment. Although these formulas are valid to a degree, there is an overarching ingredient that trumps all others: it’s called people. If you want to be successful in business or in life, you have to be successful with people. You have to be able to connect with people from different walks of life, and with all kinds of personalities and communication styles. You have to know how to build relationships. You must share a little bit of yourself in exchange for others sharing a little bit of themselves. This builds relationship equity—trust, mutual respect, likability. And it creates access to unlimited opportunity.
There’s a saying that “nothing happens until somebody says something.” Progress simply isn’t made when people don’t talk to one another. Information doesn’t flow, ideas aren’t exchanged, and energy doesn’t move. But when one party opens his or her mouth and speaks up, conversation starts, thoughts are shared, creativity comes alive, possibilities appear, and the world—both yours and theirs—changes . . . usually for the better.
The way we get to know someone and build a relationship is through talking—good old-fashioned conversation. The Yiddish word schmooze means “to chat, to converse, to talk.” Some call it shooting the breeze, and others refer to it as chewing the fat. But at the end of the day, it pretty much all means the same thing: two people sharing thoughts, feelings, and observations through conversation, all for the sake of getting to know each other.
In random connecting, it’s simply a matter of opening your mouth and saying something to the person next to you, in front of you, behind you, or across from you. It doesn’t have to be a declaration of deep and lasting consequence; it can be a comment about what’s happening around you, a question, or even a statement that welcomes a response. Remarks about the weather have been triggering exchanges between people for centuries. Compliments almost always get a positive conversation started: “Love your shirt,” “Love your shoes,” “Love your watch,” “Love your hair,” or “Love your briefcase.” Remarking in a positive way about someone, or something he or she has with them, is a sure way to initiate a favorable conversation with a stranger. It shows the other person that you are generous with your outlook, it makes that person feel good, and it provides a launching pad for further conversation.
These days, many of us are engaged in some form of personal technology when we’re in public places. And most of us are still discovering how we feel about these particular items and how well they work for us. So a question about how the other person likes his or her smartphone, iPad, Bluetooth, or whatever else he or she may be interacting with is sure to trigger getting a conversation going. And it will break the spell of technology that can so easily engross us. Then it’s simply a matter of listening, watching, asking, responding, sharing, nodding, expounding, laughing, and talking—in a word, schmoozing.
CASE STUDY: Jerry Z. schmoozes with a stranger at the gas station and finds his way to a new business partnership.
A sales manager at a luxury car dealership outside Atlanta, Jerry opened his mouth and schmoozed his way into an international business partnership. His random encounter occurred when he sparked a conversation with a complete stranger while pumping gas on his way home from work. As Jerry tells the story:
I was working for a Mercedes dealer at the time and stopped to fill up at a gas station I don’t usually use. While standing there I noticed the man at the next pump filling a new Mercedes E-Class.
As a lover of fine automobiles, and always on the lookout for a prospective customer, I leaned between the pumps and asked him, “So how do you like your Mercedes?” We easily fell into a chat about cars, and I mentioned that I worked for a dealer. He seemed interested in that information, so we exchanged business cards almost immediately.
We continued talking—about cars, about business in general, and ultimately, about our respective work lives. I asked him about his company, and listened intently to his responses, showing a sincere interest in what he was saying. (I learned later that he was struck by how easily and naturally I engaged him in conversation.) I also talked about some of my career interests, beyond selling cars. Finally, he looked me in the eye, and asked, “Jerry, what is it you really want to do with your career?”
I replied that I had really always wanted to get into the import/export business. My father was from Palestine and my mother from Colombia, so I grew up speaking both Arabic and Spanish, along with English. My whole outlook on life was international.
I learned my new connection also had an international orientation. And, would you believe, he ran an import/export company! We kept talking, and he explained that the key to success in that business was in making connections and building trust. He told me that he admired my ability to talk to people. I asked if I could phone him to continue learning about his company and explore possibilities for us to do something together.
As we interacted over the following weeks and months via phone conversations and e-mails, I began to learn the language of the import/export business. My new connection taught me how deals were structured and that striking these deals took especially good relationship skills. Finally, he asked me one day if I would work with him on an import opportunity. Of course I said yes; and together we completed a deal that led to a lucrative financial reward for both of us. And it all began with a simple question to the man at the pump next to me: “So how do you like your Mercedes?”—and a little schmoozing about cars and business.