Fifteen Steps to Higher Self-Esteem
,In the preceding pages, we learned about self-esteem—what it is and the benefits of obtaining high self-esteem. Now let’s look at what we can do to raise our self-esteem. There are hundreds of little things you can do on a daily basis that will enhance your self-esteem.
Here are 15 of the things we feel are most important for supervisors.
1. Live for today. One phrase we’d like to cut from the English language is “if only.” “If only” I would get one more promotion, could make a certain income, close a certain sale; “if only” I could afford a bigger house or a fancier car; “if only” my boss would get off my back; “if only” I could motivate this one employee…then I would really be happy. Focus on what is good right now. Each day ask yourself, “What is going well right now?” and “What can I do today for myself?”
2. Set goals. In order to gain mastery over your environment, it is important that you be able to accomplish the things in life that you feel are important. Setting and achieving predetermined goals is one of the most important roads to travel if you are going to increase your self-esteem. When you set goals, you will realize you do have control in your life, you will be more motivated, and you will be proud of your accomplishments. (Information on goal setting is provided in Chapter 14.)
3. Associate with others who have high self-esteem. You will encounter negative people who will always point out the negative in any situation. Some will even purposely try to drag you down. When you associate with other individuals who have high self-esteem, you will reap the benefits they have to offer. They tend to be happier with life, deal easier with change and adversity, and will offer you support and unequaled encouragement. Choose your friends and associates wisely.
4. Dress and look your best always. You can tell a lot about how a person feels by looking at the way he or she dresses. People respond to us, in part, by our appearance. By feeling good about your appearance, you send a message to others that you care for and like yourself. The response from others will reinforce these feelings. How you look on the outside deeply affects how you feel on the inside.
5. Set your own standards. By setting internal standards, you will be comparing you to you. This means we have to believe in our own uniqueness. When we appreciate the true nature of self-esteem, we see that it is not competitive or comparative. Genuine self-esteem is not expressed by being better than others or diminishing others so we can elevate ourselves. It is developed by setting personal goals, challenging ourselves, and feeling proud of our accomplishments. You decide what standards are important to you.
6. Look people in the eye. Before you can look others in the eye, you need to be able to look yourself in the eye. When you look into a mirror, you need to feel good about you. Most people will tell you that they like people better who are able to look them eyeball-to-eyeball. Research has shown that people who look others in the eye are perceived as more honest, trustworthy, and credible. Those three qualities are valuable to anyone.
7. Volunteer your name first. Whether you are introducing yourself or answering the telephone, you tell a lot about yourself by volunteering your name first in a conversation. You are telling others you have self-confidence, self-respect, and are proud of who you are. Others, in turn, will respond to you with a higher level of respect.
8. Treat everyone you meet with dignity and respect. From the president of your corporation to the janitor who cleans your office, from your significant other to the person who waits on your table when you eat out—treat everyone with dignity and respect. With this attitude, people will go out of their way to help you. Friendships are easier to attain and you will find most people will like you better. As a side benefit, you will never have to worry about offending the wrong person. Being liked by others once again enhances our self-esteem.
9. Improve your communication skills. Communication is the tool that connects us to others. Clearly expressing your ideas allows you to be understood. Listening allows you to grow, learn, and open up to other people and ideas. Communication is the glue that binds friendships, marriages, and successful relationships at work. There are hundreds of ways available to improve your communication skills: books, tapes, seminars, Toastmasters, etc. Find one and take some time to improve your ability to connect with others. You will see that as your confidence in your communication skills improves, so will your self-esteem.
10. Remember, all successful people have experienced failure. Most people who have accomplished anything great have experienced many failures. The difference is that these successful people view failure differently than most. They use the failure as a learning experience and benefit from it. Dr. Warren Bennis, in his book Leaders, The Strategies for Taking Charge, describes how all the great leaders he interviewed had at least one devastating experience in their life. Gail Sheehy, in her book Pathfinders, describes the same phenomena. The difference with the people these two authors describe is the way they viewed the failure in their lives: They viewed it as a learning experience.
11. Develop the habit of positive self-talk.Your self-esteem is shaped by the way you communicate with yourself. The sooner you can change the way you communicate with yourself, the sooner your communication with others will change as well. When you change your communication with others, it changes the way others respond to you and this reinforces your positive self-talk. As your self-talk is enhanced and becomes more positive, your self-esteem will follow in a positive manner. Assess your self-talk. Are you being kind to yourself? If you don’t like what you hear, change your negative self-talk into positive self-talk. Focus on positive belief in yourself.
12. Be a volunteer or a mentor. Give back. Help others as you have been helped. Give some of your time to those who could benefit from your friendship or expertise. Whether it is a person or an organization, you will feel good after you have touched another in a positive way. It usually costs you very little and you have a lot to gain knowing you have helped someone.
13. Try it until you make it! Many people ask, “How can I exhibit the behaviors of a person with high self-esteem when I do not feel that way?” Unfortunately, many do not realize that behaviors that generate good self-esteem are also expressions of good self-esteem. Even when you do not feel like manifesting high self-esteem behaviors, TRY IT! If you act like you have high self-esteem, high self-esteem will follow. The only secret to enhancing and maintaining high self-esteem is to practice, practice, and practice some more.
14. Focus on what you want, not what you do not want. People with high self-esteem focus on what they want in life, not what they do not want or what they want to avoid. If you want a new job, an improved relationship, or a slimmer you, do not focus on being stuck where you are, the negative aspects of the relationship, or your current weight. Put your sights on the new job: What will it be? Where will it be? What will you be doing? Focus on how the relationship will be better: Is there better communication? Do we have greater mutual respect? Are we having more fun? Imagine the slimmer you: How will you feel? What will you look like? How will others react to you? Remember, you will get what you expect. So expect the best.
15. Take full responsibility for your life. Men and women who enjoy high self-esteem have an active orientation to life rather than a passive one. They take full responsibility for the attainment of their goals. They ask the questions, “Where do I want to be?” and “How do I get there?” They do not wait for others to fulfill their wants and dreams. Self-responsibility is indispensable to good self-esteem. Avoiding self-responsibility victimizes us in our own lives. It leaves us helpless. We give power to everyone except ourselves. When we are frustrated, we look for someone to blame, finding others at fault for our unhappiness. In contrast, the appreciation of self-responsibility can be an exhilarating and empowering experience. It places our lives back into our own hands. In short, people with high self-esteem take responsibility for their own existence.