I'm Not Good Enough   For most of us, the most vulnerable time for our confidence is after a failure (or any situation where our outcomes don't match our own or others' expectations). Telling yourself you failed because you lack ability is the most damaging and limiting kind of self‐talk. Inner dialogue such as “I've always had trouble…,” “I'm not the kind who can…,” “I'm not good at…,” or “I never could…” reinforces a belief that you don't have the ability to accomplish a particular type of task and you're not likely to have it in the future.

Once you accept the erroneous belief that you are inadequate for the demands of any particular situation, it's logical to avoid that kind of challenge—which, in turn, erodes your confidence.

It's Bad Luck, or It's Out of My Control   Explaining a result in terms of something outside our control is also common after a failure. Individuals often use reasons such as “My manager didn't support me,” “It was an unreceptive group,” or “The process was faulty.” They might also attribute a failure to having a bad day or bad luck.

It might be true that the expectations were unrealistic or that the process was faulty, but if your self‐talk stops there, it's unlikely the experience will expand your sense of control or increase your confidence in the possibility of engineering a better outcome in the future.

Remember, one of the key principles of The Power of Choice is this: It's not the stimulus, it's the response. Self‐talk focused on external circumstances or luck emphasizes the stimulus. It draws our energy toward what is being done to us rather than toward the possibilities for improvement or greater control. To build confidence and direct our attention toward a useful response, it's important to explain our failures in terms of something we can change going forward. The only thing we can change is the nature of our effort.

Own Your Successes   Building confidence starts long before a failure. It starts with owning your successes, with acknowledging that you are a capable individual who made the effort and used the right approach to reach your desired outcome. Celebrating our role in engineering our successes (rather than ignoring them or telling ourselves we were lucky) gives us the evidence that we can learn to be effective.

For many of us, owning our successes runs counter to messages we received growing up about being humble and not getting a big head. We were taught not to take our accomplishments too seriously. We are encouraged to give credit to our team and our mentors. It's great to acknowledge the conditions that facilitated a success or to congratulate your team for the role they played in a project win, but you also have to acknowledge, at least to yourself, the value of your own efforts in shaping those circumstances that supported your success. Giving proper weight to your own accomplishments—and your potential for continued growth—establishes an important foundation for confidence.

What Did I Learn? How Can I Do It Better?   The most confidence‐building self‐talk after a failure starts with the belief that failure is feedback about how to improve your effort in the future. Failure is not an indication of your worth. It's not a confirmation of your lack of ability, and it's not a prediction of your future potential. It's only data about those areas where you need to do more learning and growing. Failure is rarely permanently career damaging, provided you actually use the information to improve your approach.

There are three simple questions you can ask yourself to maximize the learning value of any experience and improve your effort in the future: What happened? Why did it happen? And how can I improve? (See Figure 4.1.)

What Happened?   You need to be clear about the impact of your work if you are going to make it better moving forward. Too often, we answer this question too broadly (“I messed up”), rather than really understanding specifically what went well and what needs to be done more effectively. For example, if you're looking for a new job and not receiving offers, identify what's ineffective about your search process. Are you regularly called for in‐person interviews after a phone screening? Are you called back for a second interview? Understanding what's not working helps you make informed decisions about how to focus your effort in ways that are most likely to improve your effectiveness. If your resume isn't getting attention, you probably need to change it or network more strategically. If you're getting initial interviews but not getting called back, your resume is probably fine, but you might need to improve your interviewing skills.

Why Did It Happen?   When you understand your current outcomes, you have to consider why you received them. Answering this question is a critical step. For example, if your recommendation for a product idea isn't accepted, knowing why enables you to be more effective the next time you have an idea to propose. Should you have done a better job of presenting the benefits of the idea? Were there negative consequences for some of the stakeholders that you hadn't anticipated? Did others fail to support you because you hadn't given them enough time to consider your suggestion?

How Can I Improve?   Answering the “why” question paves the way for answering the next question: How can I improve? This answer is the foundation of a strategy for improvement. It will direct your attention toward the steps you need to take. It will lead you to take advantage of your strengths rather than focusing on your weaknesses. It will draw you to resources that you can rely on. Best of all, it allows you to have some degree of certainty that your changed approach will be more successful.

These three questions—What happened? Why did it happen? How can I improve?—focus your attention on the feedback provided by the experience. They facilitate a thought process that builds confidence and zeroes in on the effort that will accelerate growth and development.

Explaining your failure in terms of your effort puts you in control. You can work differently; you can apply what you learned. You can work to improve a faulty process. You can influence the support of others. Explaining your failure in terms of your approach—the nature of your effort reinforces the belief that you have the ability to create a different outcome in the future.

Direct and Constructive Feedback   Friends and colleagues who tell you the truth about an area that needs development are as important to your growth as the individuals who buoy you up in tough times. Real feedback is the best gift you can receive. Seek it out on a regular basis so that you truly understand what you can do to expand your effectiveness.

I often hear professionals complain that they don't receive good feedback from others. I admit that not enough managers—or colleagues—are skilled in conveying information that helps individuals learn and grow. However, I've also observed that many professionals say they want feedback, but their actions send a different message. Think about your approach. Do you look for specifics about what you could have done better or do you just want to hear “good job”? Are you willing to listen to a perspective that might be different from your own? Do you actually change your behavior based on the feedback you receive? If you can say yes to these questions, it's likely you will receive feedback that helps you grow and become more confident as you see yourself get better and stronger.

At one point in my career, I was consistently receiving good performance reviews, and from what I could tell, I was on track for a promotion to a management‐level position. However, when I was passed over for an opportunity I had assumed would be mine, I decided to find out what I could do to accelerate my advancement. At first my manager, Cathy, told me not to worry; I just needed a little more “seasoning.” I remember thinking I could leave it at that or I could push her to give me the real story. So I asked her, in as open and nondefensive a way as I could muster, to be direct with me about anything that would make a difference. I could see her trying to decide whether I could take the feedback. She took a risk and gave me insight into some of the subtle things I was doing that made senior staff question my readiness. Some of it was about my style of communication; some of it was about my dress. None of the feedback related to the formal requirements of the job; it all pertained to the unwritten rules of the organization's culture. She took a chance and gave me the scoop on how I was perceived because of my openness to hearing it. With that information, I was able to be much more effective in helping my own cause—and she became an even bigger supporter because she knew I would act on what she told me.

It's tough for many managers to give this kind of feedback; it's often tougher when the manager and employee don't share a background that provides a base of comfort and trust. However, when you send a strong message that you want direct feedback, and when you're willing to make the person providing the feedback feel safe giving it to you, you make yourself “feedback worthy.” In return, you're likely to get invaluable information that will accelerate your growth.

Ask for Support   The kinds of support required throughout one's career are numerous. For example, you are likely to need information, access to influencers, new opportunities, budget and people resources, or support for a new idea. Knowing how to secure the counsel and resources you need builds confidence that you can engineer your desired outcomes. We'll talk more about how you do this in Chapter 7, but the first step in receiving the support you require is asking for it. That probably seems pretty straightforward, but how often do you struggle with a problem when there's probably someone who would be glad to coach you? How often are you afraid to ask for a resource or a different kind of assignment? People can't give support if they don't know what you need.

To get support, you also have to give it. When someone needs your help or effort, are you willing to do that extra bit? Do others see you as someone they can rely on? Do you positively affect the tone and productivity of your work group? If you present yourself as someone committed to helping the organization succeed, and as someone who will positively influence the productivity of others, you have something to offer that will make most managers and colleagues willing to offer their support in return.