8
Real‐World Choices
Choose to Overcome Low Expectations
UPON GRADUATING with her MBA, Shaniqua was hired by a prestigious investment firm and entered its one‐year management‐development program along with other newly hired MBAs. Her group consisted of ten people who would go through three fifteen‐week rotations over the course of a year in order to gain exposure to key functions in the firm.
Shaniqua was a highly confident individual and a real go‐getter from Washington, D.C. She had a big smile and an engaging personality.
During these rotations, partners generally reach out to help those in the program learn the culture of the company. Occasionally, a partner invites a member of the group out to lunch or offers additional coaching and informal feedback. Ryan, one of Shaniqua's cohorts, had this experience. A partner took Ryan under his wing, which seemed to give Ryan momentum. Shaniqua even heard the partner telling Ryan after he'd taken on a project that was a little over his head, “You remind me of me when I started with the firm.”
Shaniqua's experience was a stark contrast to that. None of the partners reached out to her. In fact, Shaniqua felt that the partners overlooked her or interacted with her only as needed. When assignments were distributed, it seemed to her that she always got the weakest or most boring projects. It was almost as if they didn't expect much from her. She got little coaching, and if she got any feedback at all from a partner, it was vague and conveyed in a somewhat negative in tone: “Your written communication is not as clear as we need it to be. Try doing a rewrite. When you get bogged down, I have an open‐door policy. So come see me, and I will do what I can to help you get you back on track.”
By the end of the first rotation, Shaniqua was frustrated and angry about the firm. She complained to a friend, “Initially, I thought this would be a good place to start a career, but I've been having some real doubts about whether I can be successful here. It's unusual to see an African American in the firm, let alone an African American woman. This firm has a big push around recruiting diversity, but I don't think they're serious about giving folks like me a real chance to succeed.”
Halfway through the second rotation, she missed a deadline on a project. Recounting the incident later, Shaniqua commented, “I was so embarrassed. That partner yelled at me in front of everyone at the project meeting. He insinuated that I was not his choice for his team, but that he was stuck with me because the management‐development program made the assignment.”
Shaniqua found herself avoiding colleagues on the project team who had witnessed the partner's tirade. She also skipped several of the Friday evening get‐togethers with her cohorts from the management development program. She knew these were intended as opportunities to relax, blow off steam, and offer one another support, but Shaniqua complained to her family, “They keep asking me how I feel about my job. They ask me about my background, my social life—they keep trying to get into my business. I am annoyed at how nosy these people are.”
Shaniqua finally shared with her family that she was considering quitting before the next rotation started: “I'm not cut out to be in an investment firm. Why would anyone want to work in such a boring industry anyway? I think I should shift to something completely different.”
Reflection Questions
- In what ways were low expectations communicated to Shaniqua?
- What do you think triggered the low expectations?
- To what extent did Shaniqua accept and internalize those expectations?
- At what points in Shaniqua's story could she have responded differently to keep herself from going into a downward spiral?
Analysis and Recommendations
Shaniqua got caught in a downward spiral of low expectations. When she wasn't supported or challenged to expand her expertise, she began to withdraw. Her efforts to deliver strong outcomes were compromised. Since she wasn't as engaged as her colleagues, it's likely that her withdrawal reinforced the original low expectations. She also allowed her anger and disappointment to get in the way of using the support her colleagues could have offered.
It's understandably discouraging when others react to you because of your difference or some stereotyped assumption about you or your capabilities. Although I'm not justifying that behavior, Shaniqua should acknowledge that her differences might be an obstacle in establishing rapport and trust with the firm's partners. Then she needs to ask herself whether she'd rather be a victim of circumstances or look for ways to take control. If she wants to be treated like Ryan, she will need to be proactive to reduce the “noise” that her differences might cause. Even something as simple as, “Hello, I'm Shaniqua; don't be afraid to mispronounce my name” can go a long way in making a connection and establishing a level of comfort that will jump‐start a relationship.
It's absolutely critical that Shaniqua stay engaged. Although she was understandably upset by her manager's public criticism of her, she needs to be proactive to figure out his expectations and shape his perception of her contributions. She might have asked for a meeting with him to better understand how she can deliver to the standards and to deepen his awareness of her expertise.
She could also have an honest conversation with a colleague or mentor about how she sees the situation and ask for advice on how to interact more effectively. Blaming or judging others isn't likely to produce the outcome she wants. If she can be openly curious about how she might interact with others to receive the assignments and support she wants, she gives others insight into her goals and invites them to engage with her.
The Broader Application
Although it's certainly demoralizing when you have to confront low expectations or lack of support from others, keep your focus on what you can control. When you withdraw or put your energy into blaming others, you compromise your capacity to engineer the backing and opportunities necessary to advance your career.
Create Comfort and Build Trust Being able to effectively create comfort and build trust is a critical interpersonal skill set for anyone who may be perceived as different from the majority of the group. Too often, we assume we have no control over others' reactions to us; our energy is focused on the bias and insensitivity of others.
Start with the assumption that you have the power and the capacity to make meaningful connections with others. Accept the fact that it will take work to build connections. However, the alternative is to let your possibilities be limited by others' discomfort with you. Some professionals choose to conform to the people and organizations around them in order to accomplish what's important to them. Others maintain a very unique style. However, anyone who is influential is likely to be intentional in their efforts to relate well to others and to help others become familiar and comfortable with them.
It's Not the Stimulus, It's the Response All of us hit periods in our careers where we stumble or where we're pressed to prove our capabilities to others. The trick is to catch yourself when the challenges begin to result in a downward spiral. Take a step back and ask yourself what you can do to protect your confidence and move toward a better outcome.
Refuse to be a victim of the circumstances around you.
Reach out to people who believe in you and who will give you the support you need. Look for those who can provide perspectives and strategies that will help you get grounded again.
Then reshape your approach by employing effective effort. Remember that effective effort is characterized by being seriously committed and engaged, focused on receiving feedback, and strategic in using that feedback to learn and improve outcomes. When you deliver strong outcomes, you add value to the business. You build the “personal equity” that can move people beyond assumptions about you and focus attention on your expertise, not your differences.
Choose to Build Supportive Relationships
After only eighteen months with the company, Ricardo stood out as a motivated self‐starter with a good eye for detail. Managers and colleagues liked the fact that he could take something and run with it on his own from start to finish. His technical expertise positioned him to join a high‐profile process‐implementation group, long known for its strong teamwork. Joining this team was viewed as a step up for anyone in engineering, which fueled Ricardo's pride and excitement.
Lauren, the director of the group, was known for her straightforward, no‐nonsense leadership style. She was often described as intensely driven, technically talented, politically astute, and definitely on the leadership fast track. Ricardo was determined to impress Lauren as his new boss.
Within the first month, however, Lauren's brusque personality and hands‐on approach began frustrating Ricardo. She asked to review everything he did before it went to a client. But what annoyed him most was that she always made revisions to his work. It was never good enough.
Lauren also ran Ricardo's work by the team for its suggestions. Although this was her practice for all team members, in Ricardo's mind this just added insult to injury. Ricardo complained to a friend, “It's one thing to have my boss tear apart my work, but to invite others to take shots at me…I get the feeling that I'm an easy target being the only Hispanic in the group. It's as if they don't expect my work to be any good. A few of my new colleagues took me to lunch to offer support, but I'm not sure I believe all the talk about trust and teamwork. After all, they never seem to pass up an opportunity to critique my work.”
For the last report he prepared, Lauren suggested he add a few more charts and graphs. Ricardo argued that this was overkill, but she insisted he change it. To Ricardo, this was an example of Lauren exerting her power simply because she could, which he thought she did frequently. For instance, she typically rushed into team meetings late and then asked endless, detailed questions. To Ricardo, this was way too much time to spend simply to satisfy Lauren's need for control.
Although Lauren was the most difficult boss he ever had, Ricardo knew he needed to make this work. He decided to talk with Lauren about the impact of her management style on his work and dropped by her office to broach the subject. It took a few minutes for her even to look up from her computer, but once she finally acknowledged him, Ricardo began to spill out his frustration about her hands‐on style: “I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. You give me little freedom to operate, so I cannot bring my best work to the table. You don't give me a chance to shine.”
Lauren was quick to respond: “Our team is known for its unique style and high standards. Obviously, you don't get it yet. Eventually you will see the wisdom of our team's culture and get the hang of things around here—or perhaps you can find a team that fits your style better.” Before Ricardo could say another word, Lauren was back at her computer. He felt shut down and dismissed.
Since then, Ricardo has kept his distance from Lauren and avoided team assignments in favor of tasks that he can accomplish on his own.
Reflection Questions
- Where do you place the responsibility for this difficult work relationship?
- What blind spots does Ricardo have in interpreting his interactions with Lauren and the team?
- What could Ricardo do to improve his relationship with Lauren?
Analysis and Recommendations
Ricardo enjoyed operating as a lone ranger in his previous position and experienced success with that style. However, his current job requires a different kind of interaction. Unfortunately, Ricardo has focused on what doesn't work for him and what he doesn't like about Lauren's management style.
In order to create a better working relationship, Ricardo needs to start by considering Lauren's point of view. She has a highly successful team. She believes that her team is effective because of her high standards. She strives to improve her team's output by critiquing individuals' work, and she expects the members of the group to do the same for one another. Time is precious; she doesn't waste it.
Because he misunderstood—and ultimately passed judgment on—the team's culture of open feedback and collaboration, he failed to win Lauren's trust or secure the support of his team. He didn't see that his teammates were trying to give him feedback about how to work effectively in this environment rather than judging him because of his ethnicity. He failed to realize that his preference for working independently was causing him to lose out on valuable information about the expectations for the work output.
Ricardo has given Lauren little incentive to change a style that has been effective for her to suit the preferences of a newcomer, whom she likely sees as critical of her and resistant to feedback. Consider the way in which Ricardo set up the critical conversation about his frustration with Lauren. Given her schedule and pace of working, she's not likely to be receptive to a serious conversation when he unexpectedly drops by her office. However, Ricardo didn't consider his own role in the reaction he got. He saw it as one more piece of evidence about how difficult Lauren is to work with.
The burden of responsibility is on Ricardo to understand and accommodate the prevalent style of the group before he advocates for any changes that might better fit his work style. He needs to establish trust and demonstrate that he can contribute to the group's success. He needs to show Lauren that he understands her expectations and will take advantage of the give‐and‐take process of the team to refine his work.
The Broader Application
If you want a key leader's attention and support, it is incumbent on you to see things from his or her perspective. You must give him or her a reason or incentive to invest in you.
Study the Culture The same skills and work style that made you successful in one part of the organization might not be what is required in a different department, in a different role, or at a higher level within that same organization. In every new situation, you have to learn and adapt to the cultural nuances of that specific group or role. Too often, we are quick to criticize and judge, rather than seek to understand, the new environment. What is the logic behind the way things are done? What goals and values do you have in common with the new team? How can you adapt your work style to the culture of the group?
You can learn the hard way by trial and error, or you can accelerate your learning by building relationships with your manager and colleagues. You might not agree with their point of view about what supports the group to work most effectively, but you will be able to interact more strategically if you understand the culture.
Establish Your Value You need to understand your value proposition from your manager's point of view. Get on your boss's wavelength and determine what's important to him or her. You are not going to be supported to do your best work if you're seen as someone who resists the “way things are done” or expends a lot of energy blaming or criticizing others.
This is not to say that you must always accept the status quo. In fact, part of your value proposition in a new situation is that you bring new perspectives and expertise. However, when you make it clear to your manager that you understand the prevailing culture, and that your intention is to support him or her and the team, you are in a better position to sell your new idea and fresh approach.
Before recommending a change, articulate your understanding of the team's objectives and how you see yourself contributing to the achievement of those goals. Then you can position your recommendations or request for a different kind of support as something that will enhance your contribution. Finally, always ask for input: is your suggestion something your manager can support? When it's clear you're aligned with what's important to your manager and open to feedback, you are much more likely to get a receptive response.
Choose to Expand Your Impact
As a store manager, Amir was attentive to the needs of each shift and made sure he was there for his staff. He often commented to friends, “My employees know that I am always available to them. No matter what time of day, they can count on me to immediately come in and help fix a problem.” At company headquarters, Amir had the reputation of being a hard worker with a can‐do attitude who never says no.
Amir chose to work for a large retail chain because he saw potential for upward mobility. He sought a job at this particular company because it emphasized the value of diversity and inclusion at the corporate level.
After two years with the company, Amir's strong outcomes as a store manager resulted in his being promoted to district manager. In this position, he became responsible for ten stores, each of which had revenues of $1 million to $2 million annually.
When he managed one store, Amir was able to have contact with the staff every day. However, managing ten stores spread across the greater metropolitan area made this impossible. It was difficult to visit each store regularly, much less spend the amount of time with staff that he had in the past. Building relationships and trust seemed to take forever.
Sensing his frustration, Amir's boss candidly talked with him about his store managers' perceptions: “Due to the company's recent initiative to increase diversity at leadership levels, the talk among many of your direct reports is that you were promoted to district manager only because you're a person of color. They're waiting to see if you are competent and can hold your own. But don't let that get to you. You had great sales numbers as a store manager.”
It really shook Amir to know that he was managing people who didn't like or trust him. He became determined to prove them wrong. Many things that he normally might have delegated to them he instead did himself. As a result, he was working sixty to seventy hours a week just to keep up. The jump from managing one store to managing ten stores was overwhelming him, and he was becoming less and less confident that he had what it took to be a successful district manager.
Right before the end of the fiscal year, the national store director issued a very ambitious goal for all markets, demanding a 10 percent increase over last year's same‐store sales. Amir saw no relief in sight, and burnout was imminent. He thought to himself, “I've always had a can‐do attitude and have never given up, but I just don't see how I can work any more hours than I am currently.” Weighed down by what he perceived to be an unrealistic goal, Amir immediately felt his energy flag, and his focus shifted to how out of touch corporate leadership was and the downside of working for large retail chains.
Reflection Questions
- What might be some of the root causes of Amir's burnout?
- What does Amir need to do differently to improve his effectiveness in working with his staff?
- How should he approach the 10 percent increase in his revenue targets?
Analysis and Recommendations
Amir has taken on a new position, but he has not adopted a new way of operating. Even as a store manager, he spent his energy “fixing the problems.” He developed a reputation as someone who got things done and produced excellent results. However, his success as a store manager was based too heavily on what he alone could accomplish. His approach to his work didn't suit his hard‐won promotion with its expanded responsibilities.
In addition, choosing not to delegate showed a lack of trust in his people's skills and experience and made Amir less effective as a district manager. This fed his team's doubts about his expertise, which is making Amir less confident in his role.
Although it can be a bit daunting to give up day‐to‐day control and trust that others will handle situations and meet the same high standards, Amir needs to focus on developing his staff 's independence. He could begin by instituting a set of guidelines to help his staff know when to involve him, which would ensure accountability for meeting his expectations. Over time, he could expand their confidence and expertise by letting them handle certain problems without his involvement and then report the outcomes in their regular touch‐base meetings. He could also outline the situations where they should bring him into the loop immediately. Typically, these would be situations that require unusual budget expenditures or that might have ramifications beyond the immediate store in regard to policy or customer satisfaction.
The other problem Amir has to address is the 10 percent sales increase. He doesn't really know whether that's an achievable goal; it certainly doesn't seem so at this point. Amir needs to figure out the percentage he feels is a realistic but challenging goal. Is it 5 percent or 7 percent? Instead of focusing his energy on what he perceives to be an unrealistic goal, he should commit himself to taking the steps required to hit a goal he is confident is a stretch, but achievable.
Focusing his energy on an incremental goal does two things. First, it keeps his attention directed on what he can do rather than what he can't do. Second, by staying engaged in stretching his organization's sales revenue, he gets exposed to new information and new possibilities. He gets to see which strategies are increasing sales and which ones aren't. It's possible that the results of his efforts to hit the moderate risk target he set for himself will open up strategies for hitting the 10 percent target he originally thought was unrealistic. And if it doesn't, Amir will have data to back up the merits of the increase he did accomplish.
The Broader Application
In the trajectory of most careers, technical expertise—being the doer—is the driver of early success. You're known as someone who can get things done. For this, you are rewarded with a bigger span of control and the opportunity to be responsible for getting more things done. At this point, you need to make a dramatic shift in how you get things done.
Change the Way You Contribute Your accomplishments can no longer be the result of your individual efforts. Rather, your accomplishments need to come from contributing through others—developing others' capabilities to solve problems and deliver quality work. To hold on to being a doer is a recipe for burnout for most people—just like it was for Amir. The relative importance of your technical expertise must decline over time and be replaced by the expertise to get work done through others. You might still know a lot about the topic, but your biggest impact will come from your relational and influence skills—the connections you can make and the resources and staff you can bring to bear on a problem.
Set Moderate Goals and Improve Incrementally Consider how you respond when you have been given a stretch assignment that seems out of reach. Too often, we spend our time focused on what seems unrealistic about the expectations, rather than figuring out what might be attainable. You can always bring better energy to a situation when you focus on what you can do rather than what you can't do. Mace Vaughan, a longtime trainer, says, “You can preoccupy yourself or you can occupy yourself.”
When facing an unrealistic set of expectations, break the ultimate goal down into manageable steps. Focus first on a target that seems achievable in the short run—not a sure thing, but a goal that requires a level of stretch that feels possible to attain with committed, focused, and effective effort. The very process of improving yourself and your results teaches you new skills and opens up new possibilities for reaching your goal. You can then apply that new learning to push out your efforts that much further. Often, the goal that initially seemed unrealistic becomes attainable.
You will need to take some risks. You will need to be willing to work hard. You will need to pay attention to the feedback you receive about how to improve your effort. However, when you lean into learning rather than being afraid that the goal is unattainable, it's often surprising what is possible.
Focus on Influence, Not Friendships Managing people who do not like or trust you adds a layer of complexity to your role as a leader. When you know you are perceived to be different, you might have a higher need to be liked and accepted.
It is important to have good working relationships; it is important to build trust. But effective, trusting interactions are different from friendships. When we focus on being liked, we can undermine our effectiveness to lead and manage. Our colleagues and direct reports need to be held to high standards. They need to take responsibility for meeting those standards, even when it's inconvenient or requires work they don't particularly enjoy. They might need to hear tough feedback. If we're worried about being liked, we can avoid these uncomfortable situations or fail to delegate appropriately.
As a leader, it's likely that there will always be some individuals who are unhappy or critical of your approach. You have to focus on getting results, not making friends. Trust that your respect for others and your effectiveness in getting things done will ultimately translate into respect for you—and that's what counts most.
Choose to Influence
Darnell was a well‐liked 29‐year‐old manager in charge of sourcing diverse suppliers for a global manufacturing company. He was good at his job and conscientiously built strong relationships and networks, both internally and externally, which added to his success and credibility.
Over the past eighteen months, the company has grown aggressively and managed to capture a significantly larger share of the market. This in turn increased its demands on its suppliers. Darnell's role in establishing and maintaining solid partnerships with key vendors was now critical to the company's sustaining its competitive advantage.
Recently, Darnell found himself stuck squarely in the middle of a contentious disagreement between the company and a longtime supplier. The company was upset that the vendor did not deliver on a few critical specifications and that the product's quality had been inconsistent in the past nine months. The supplier's complaint was that the company had abruptly changed its supply chain expectations in ways that caused it significant additional expense and seriously undermined its profit margins.
Each side was blaming the other for missed deadlines and compromised revenue streams.
The level of animosity was intense. Both parties were on the brink of walking away from the relationship, which Darnell believed would be a serious mistake for both sides. For the company, sourcing new suppliers and getting them geared up for full production was a very lengthy process, which would hamper the company's planned growth. For the supplier, walking away from this longtime account would be a huge loss of revenue.
Instead of letting things continue to erode, Darnell made a decision to solve the problem. Leveraging the credibility and trust he had garnered with each side, he set up a meeting for the key decision makers to meet face-to-face. He knew that choosing to influence this situation represented a significant risk for him as a young manager. The parties at the table would all be at the senior vice president level or higher. Darnell would have no hierarchical authority. How he handled this meeting would either solidify—or destroy—his credibility with the company.
Darnell also knew that if he didn't do something in advance of this meeting, both sides would likely spend it finger‐pointing and not make any headway. Darnell spent the week prior to the meeting talking one-on-one with key decision makers on each side, focusing on the things that he knew would bring each person to the table. During these discussions, he listened carefully, making sure he understood the issues that were most important to each side and where they might be willing to compromise. Although he couldn't promise any solutions at this point, he made sure all the people involved knew he had heard their concerns.
He also deliberately positioned himself to be the lead negotiator. Darnell told the executives from his company, “I've been the one working most closely with this supplier, so I know the issues. I have developed a reasonable level of trust with the key folks, and they will listen if the concerns are broached in the right way.”
With the supplier, he positioned himself as an ally: “I'm the best friend you've got at the table, so direct your questions and concerns to me during the meeting. You can trust that I am committed to working toward an outcome that will benefit both sides.”
At the meeting, Darnell opened by painting the vision of mutual gain. He clearly articulated how each side was integral to the potential future success of the other. The company would become the supplier's largest customer and provide them with market share they never had before. Likewise, the supplier had technological capacity that the company lacked. The company could provide better service and grow its brand faster with access to the supplier's capabilities than it could on its own.
Every time the meeting started to veer off toward blaming the other side for a problem, Darnell brought it back with the question, “So what can we do to move forward?” He constantly reminded them of the benefits of a positive outcome if they could stay focused on the future. As he told his manager later, “I kept highlighting the potential gains that a restored relationship offered, and I kept reminding them why they had entered into a partnership in the first place. At times I felt like I was doing marriage counseling.”
The meeting was a huge success. Each side secured agreements that resolved its most critical issues, and both sides committed to keep working on the points they were unable to resolve that day. Additionally, the company and vendor took major steps toward restoring the relationship and rebuilding trust, and both sides went away optimistic that they could make this work long-term.
Looking back on his experience, Darnell commented to a mentor, “That was the biggest professional risk I've taken in my career so far. I chose to influence the outcome, and I facilitated a win‐win for both parties. The risk paid off big time. It elevated my visibility and credibility within the organization, and it shaped my personal brand as a mover and shaker.”
Reflection Questions
- Prior to the meeting, what did Darnell do well to position himself as someone who could engineer such a strong outcome?
- What did he do well during the meeting?
- How did Darnell leverage the strength of his relationships in this situation?
Analysis and Recommendations
Darnell didn't shrink from the challenge. He was deliberate in taking control; he assumed he could make a difference. Although he was reasonably confident he would be successful, he realized it was a big risk to facilitate an agreement and rebuild this partnership. Therefore, Darnell took an incremental approach, setting up one‐on‐one meetings to lay the groundwork prior to the meeting.
Darnell had already established good working relationships with both sides. He was willing to leverage the foundation of trust that he had built in order to be a credible negotiator. He positioned himself as someone who could get the parties through the conflict. He made his arguments to each person in light of what he knew about them. He was able to appeal not only to the logic of the situation but also to the more emotional interests and values that each party brought to the table.
He clearly focused the parties on what they had to gain from working through the conflict. Regardless of the obstacles, he kept the parties intent on collaboration rather than letting them get bogged down in the issues that were preventing a workable solution. He communicated a common vision to create a focus on the bigger picture.
The Broader Application
Darnell's approach is a great example of how to go about shaping your own circumstances and effectively influencing those around you.
Choose to Influence Remember that influence is not asking for permission. Effective influencers assume they can shape the outcomes that are important to them—and understand that it might be a gradual process. They seldom think about whether others will let them do what they want. Rather, they focus their attention on the actions required to gather the resources and support to accomplish their desired outcomes.
Build Relationships Effective influencers always work intentionally to develop productive relationships. It is through relationships that you learn about what's important to the other parties. Your connections give you information about what compromises each side is likely to be willing to make and what they feel strongly about. Relationships are the vehicle to build trust that your interests will be protected and that you will honor the interests of others.
Be Willing to Take a Risk There is never a guarantee that you will be successful when you choose to influence a situation. Yet without the willingness to take those kinds of risks, you will never stretch your skills or expand your base of influence. All strong influencers are willing to fail and be proven wrong. They're willing to take strong stands and can hold up under pressure and criticism.
Focus on Mutual Gains You have to understand the interests of the people involved. What does each party see as a win? What are the shared interests? You also have to help others believe in the possibility of achieving those gains. Too often, people get bogged down in the problems and can't see the benefits that are possible. It takes someone with a strong vision of the benefits to keep the parties focused on moving forward.
Professionals who shape their own circumstances also remember that their interests are as important as the interests of others. Although they're willing to be flexible and compromise for the sake of the common good, they don't abdicate their own needs. They represent their desired outcomes respectfully but firmly.
Match Your Approach to the Situation There is no one way to be effective when you choose to influence a situation. Those who are effective in shaping the opinions and actions of others develop a broad repertoire of strategies. They use logic and data. They appeal to emotional interests. They are willing to bargain. Or they create a shared vision. They call on the strength of the relationship. They are willing to be flexible in order to meet the needs of the situation. They realize that all influence requires some give and take, so they keep their focus on achieving what's most important.