CHAPTER 13

Stage Four: Protecting Family Oases

When it comes to protecting the Family Oasis, many of the same tactics we used to protect the Personal Oasis still apply. If you want an in-depth review, you may want to reread chapter 10. However, here is a quick recap to jog your memory:

1. Not enough time? Schedule buffer time in your day for when your schedule gets hectic.

2. Feeling guilty? Encourage others to schedule Oases, and remember that performance depends on these Oases!

3. Not feeling up to it? Leave free “buffer” time before, psych yourself up by remembering the value, and just do it!

4. Difficult vacation hassles? Book your trip in advance and establish time both before and after the vacation to get caught up on everything.

5. Too costly? Establish a budget, limited to 50 percent of what you can afford, and set up a savings account for the bigger monthly and yearly Oases.

You can apply these same tools to protect your Family Oases. There are also a couple of unique issues when it comes to having fun with loved ones. See if you’ve run into these obstacles before:

“We just don’t feel close to each other.”

Setting up time with loved ones is a great idea, but what if you’re not feeling that close to a family member? There may be people that you love but, at the moment, you’re just not comfortable around them. Perhaps you feel like they don’t want to spend time with you or vice versa. What do you do then?

It makes sense. Relationships evolve. There are rough patches. Life is unpredictable.

Sometimes we just don’t feel in sync with others. This is especially true in marriage. When we make the pledge to love someone “until death do us part,” there isn’t a clause for “assuming we don’t kill each other first.” Does your loved one prefer the toilet paper to hang over rather than under? Well, you’re on your own for that one.

However, for more serious, ongoing issues, I’d recommend enlisting the services of a trusted therapist. These are people who can help you get closer to each other, especially in times of need. I have benefited from this. My wife has benefited from this. The clients that I coach have often improved their marriages by additionally enlisting the help of a therapist.

Bigger issues aside, all relationships are prone to drift due to atrophy. Think of your relationship like a plant. You need to nurture plants, right? My wife is amazing at many things — but a dedicated horticulturist she is not. She’s a serial plant killer. She forgets to water and feed them. Pretty soon, our house begins to look like the last scene in a horror movie. She’s the fern equivalent of Hannibal Lecter . . . only these plants aren’t edible.

Thankfully, she’s not that way with our relationship.

If you want to have a close relationship with someone, you need to water it and feed it and spend time with it. You can help it grow simply by giving it more attention. Crafting that Family Oasis and regularly spending time having fun together can turn back the clock and remind you of your best moments together.

Do results like this happen immediately? No. It’s not a card trick. However, being together on a daily and weekly basis can rejuvenate and rehabilitate relationships. Nurture what matters most to you, and it will grow.

Commit with your loved one that you will take the time to enjoy your scheduled Oases together, regardless of how you feel about each other in the moment.

“We can’t agree on what to do.”

Maybe you sat down with a family member and tried to discuss options by brainstorming, but you couldn’t come up with something that works for both of you.

Remember, this is about them, not you.

Sitting down and having a tea party with My Little Pony’s Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie on the floor of my six-year-old’s bedroom was not at the top of my list. I’m no closet brony.*

But it’s what she wanted. So, I set a time limit for myself that I could handle. For me: ten minutes. I went in with the mindset that I’m going to do whatever I can for the next ten minutes to make this fun for her. I focused on what she likes so that these little moments can be more jam-packed with enjoyment for her. After all, “Friendship is magic.”

Also, consider how you can bring just a touch of your personality into this. For instance, perhaps you’re a little on the competitive side? I sure am. That means that when I play games with my kids, I don’t let them win. It’s important for them to lose sometimes. It gives them character and drive.

Now, before you go reporting me to Child Protective Services, don’t think I’m some brash disciplinarian who never wants his kids to feel happy. How do I reconcile my competitive nature with the fact that my son wants to play a game with me?

I taught my son how to play chess, but I didn’t just teach him the ins and outs — like how to move the pawns, how a checkmate works, and how the game ends. I took it to the next level by imbuing the experience with my own personality.

At first, I gave him a six-piece handicap. I let him take six of my pieces off the board, including the queen. That made it challenging for me and competitive for him! Once he started kicking my behind, we lowered the handicap piece by piece.

On a side note, I later saw my son playing chess with his seven-year-old sister using the opposite approach. He started with just a king and a pawn and then added a pawn in after each win. Smart kid. Even better big brother.

If you find yourself spending time with a family member and you’re not engaged in the activity, shift your focus away from your boredom or frustration with the situation. Instead, ask yourself, “How can I adapt to what he or she is doing, just a tiny bit, to make it a little bit more fun for me?” Don’t be afraid to get creative!

In this way, you can make an Oasis mutually enjoyable. Find a way to focus on what’s enjoyable for your family member. You have your consistent Oasis scheduled. This is their time.

Protect yourself against disagreement by planning and enjoying your Personal Oases. Then enter the Family Oasis planning process with the mindset that their desires take priority over yours. During the Family Oasis, look for ways to reframe the activity in a way that’s enjoyable to you.

With a firewall firmly established around your Family Oases, we’re ready to move on to the final stage: enjoyment.

* Google it at your own risk.