CHAPTER 14
Stage Five: Enjoying Family Oases
Just as we did when we learned about acknowledging our Personal Oasis, let’s acknowledge the Oases we share with loved ones. While dopamine helps us increase our desire to succeed every time we experience it, oxytocin and a variety of other chemicals have a role in creating a bond between us and others.
Oxytocin is sometimes referred to as the “cuddle hormone.” It facilitates bonding between people, such as a parent to a child or a spouse to a spouse. For most people, it doesn’t take hours of hugging or even person-to-person interaction to generate a feeling of closeness. A study by Grewen, Anderson, Girdler, and Light, published in Behavioral Medicine, found that brief contact with a supportive partner reduces the stress associated with difficult tasks and may even have cardiovascular benefits.
Just a little time, attention, and effort. Slow down. Take it in.
By making time to absorb and enjoy fun moments with others, we are not only improving performance but also creating a stronger neurological bond with those we care about most. As I discussed previously, when we have that stronger bond, it improves our quality of life as well as our performance at work.
But if we’re moving too fast and are too absorbed in “getting things done,” we forget how to enjoy spending time with loved ones. We all too often fail to feel.
Ella’s Card
This is something that I am still working on to this day — on slowing down and taking in these moments with loved ones. What follows is a personal example. As you read it, think of the last time someone you cared about did some little, nice thing for you.
My seven-year-old daughter is the card-giver in our house. Here is the beauty she whipped up for me in a flurry of creativity:
One Friday morning, I was processing my physical inbox, just as I teach people to do in my time-management courses on LinkedIn Learning. By “processing,” I refer to the act of deciding what you’re going to do with an object or piece of information, when you’re going to do it, and where the item belongs.
I was dutifully going through the contents of the box, asking “What, when, where? What, when, where? What, when, where?” with each item.
Then, I happened upon this card from my daughter.
Dispassionately, I asked myself, “What’s the next step?”
I thought, robotically, “I’m going to file this away.”
“When am I going to do it?”
Answer? “I’m going to do it now.”
“Where does it belong?”
Response: Ella’s folder.
So I reached for the file that I have reserved for all the wonderful little cards that she makes for me and was quickly slipping it into the manila folder.
Then, thankfully, I stopped.
I realized that here was a great moment that I had failed to feel. I was missing out on something precious. So I decided to practice what I preach and take a moment to craft a meaningful reply.
I revised my answer to “What is the next step?” to, “Give her a card in return.”
I’ll be honest. Artsy-craftsy I am not. Picking out stationery, finding complementary colors, and drawing cute little figures with happy little faces has never been my forte. So I got creative.
“Is there an app for this?” I wondered.
I did a search and found a website called GreetingsIsland.com. Before long, this decora-phobic daddy was choosing from a variety of fonts, pictures, and card templates. I felt like Martha Stewart meticulously selecting which eggshell white went best with the Parisian taupe and whether or not to italicize the Mardian typeface.
The result? Well . . .
I then placed it in front of her door.
There are a few moments when you and I just get it right; when we get one thousand family points and earn an achievement for extra valor. This little act, which took about five extra minutes, completely made my little girl’s week.
This simple example goes a step deeper, though. While she found a little extra joy, it also moved me, helping me feel a greater desire to succeed and a closeness with her that I hadn’t felt before. And every time I think about or retell this story, I get a positive little pick-me-up.
A big reason why that happened is because I also used those three steps we discussed about enjoying your Personal Oasis:
Mind.
Heart.
Mouth.
You can do the same. Let’s walk through the steps you’ll want to take when having fun with family.
Step One: Mentally Acknowledge the Good Moments
In this case, I told myself, “That was so nice to get that card from Ella” as a reminder of how great it is spending time with her.
I do that when my daughter Darci hugs me. I tell myself, “This is great to have this hug; it’s wonderful to have her give me unconditional love.”
I have a coaching client who’s a go-go-go, type A successful CEO. She said that this trick of slowing herself down when spending time with family — to just make a mental acknowledgment — has greatly improved her relationships. It reminds her that she can temporarily step off the treadmill of success when spending time with loved ones.
Step Two: Emotionally Acknowledge It by Asking Yourself, “How Did That Make You Feel?”
With Ella, I thought, “I’m having fun creating this card for her right now. I’m surprised that doing this is so much fun.” I truly was surprised!
Your response may be as simple as, “Tonight I went on a date with my husband. I felt closer to him. It warmed my heart to spend this time with him.” Don’t worry, Shakespeare, you don’t have to declare your love in iambic pentameter. Just take a moment to consider how you feel emotionally.
Step Three: Verbally (or in Writing) Acknowledge It
This step is slightly different when it comes to having fun with family. For Personal Oases, you were saying it to yourself. For Family Oases, you want to say it to them.
Tell the person you love what it meant to spend time with them. For instance: “That card you gave me made my day.” Or, “I had a blast hanging out with you today.”
Maybe verbalizing isn’t your thing? That’s okay! Do what I did! Give them a card or a written note.
Even something small, like a hug or a kiss, can mean a lot. Heck, a side hug or punching your buddy in the arm will do! Everybody’s got their own “love language,” or so I’ve heard.
However, don’t be shy about saying it out loud. It may sound goofy in your head, but simply making an effort demonstrates a lot to the other person.
Any time you follow the steps of head, heart, and mouth, you’re strengthening the moment in your mind. You’ll strengthen your personal desire to experience occasions like this with loved ones more often. It also strengthens your relationships because now this family member associates you with positive memories. You’ll be building oxytocin levels in their brains, too!
Before we conclude this section, think of a positive moment that happened between you and a family member recently. Take a moment to acknowledge it mentally, emotionally, and verbally.
Write down one enjoyable moment that happened between you and another person in the last day or week.
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Brain. Acknowledge it mentally by thinking, “That was a great moment.”
Heart. Emotionally assess how it felt by asking, “How did that make me feel?”
Mouth. Finally, let that person know how it felt. Say it, write a note, or give a hug. Do something to express that you enjoyed that moment.
Wrapping Up the Family Oasis
With just a little effort, some planning, and a smallish budget, you can enjoy Oases with your family. These meaningful breaks can have huge benefits for you and the people in your life. Your career can improve, your personal connection to these individuals can increase, and your joy in life can expand. Who doesn’t want those things?
With the Personal and Family Oases both established, the Oasis equation is balanced.
You’re free to stop here if you prefer, but I’m not done yet. Let’s move on to how we can make the Culture of WIN a reality in any workplace.