That depends on your learning curve, which has many variables:

What I am saying, although it is a cliché, is "No pain, no gain!" That's why it is so important to nurture yourself by investing in the new stress reinterpretation formula. Feeling comfortable with the necessary progression of feeling uncomfortable as you evolve out of your comfort zone is crucial for your success!

In this chapter you are going to concisely and directly pinpoint the deeper issues you need to address in order to resolve the anxiety that makes you nervous at work. You will engage your five mind states throughout this process.

Nurturing Parent: Pat yourself on the back for coming this far. Tell yourself it's okay to feel scared, confused, angry—in fact, it's important to let those emotions out. Remind yourself that this may be hard, but you are up to the task.

Critical Parent: Acknowledge that working this program is critical to your well-being. Admit things are not as you want them to be and that learning new skills is necessary—the sooner the better.

Adult: Follow the instructions. Take the coaching.

Adapted Child: Accept that you need to do this important work—otherwise you won't get the result you want. Imagine yourself as you wish to be and use that image to spur you on.

Natural Child: Explore! Experiment! Be open to new ideas and perspectives.

Too many people get stopped by their fear of exposure. Not only are they incapable of sharing their problem with close friends, family members, and therapists—but they are afraid of exploring it themselves, using detachment and avoidance to stay stuck. Obviously, you have made a major breakthrough in acquiring this book and getting this far in the program! If you think about it, you are lucky because you can work through your difficult emotions in privacy with this book.

Here's a simple but effective lab experiment in dealing with the adrenaline flow that you perceive as embarrassment; you probably have several opportunities a week to practice it, so give it a try. When you are at a store or restaurant and paying cash, give the wrong amount to the cashier and allow yourself to accept the possible adrenaline associated with being the focus of attention for a moment. Notice or reflect on how that feels. What sensations were you experiencing? What emotions? What were you thinking? Did you use any of your new stress management skills? If not, why not? If you like, make a few notes and track your progress as you continue doing the exercise from time to time.

At age 50, Sarah was a successful and talented artist whose paintings brought as much as $2,500. Her father, a successful businessman, had established a trust fund for her so she could attend art school five days a week; she had no bills to worry about and could devote herself full time to doing what she loved. But she felt conflicted about investing time in school versus time for creating artwork, which would allow her to sell her paintings and build her reputation. Feeling divided about it was causing constant worry that was getting in the way of both pursuits. She was stuck—and had developed the painter's equivalent of writer's block. I helped Sarah understand that much of her work paralysis was due to her perfectionist CP mind state. Much of this excessive CP was the result of unresolved emotion coming from her relationship with her father. When he had provided her with the means to do her own thing, he had made an offhand remark that continued to haunt her: "I expect a return on this investment. Don't waste your time or my money."

Eventually, we discovered that she had a lifetime history, beginning in childhood, of feeling that she fell short of her father's high expectations. He was generous with his money—but also his criticism. She recalled an example of how hard he was on her: "I remember struggling through algebra. I was an A student in other classes, but math was really tough for me. My father paid for a tutor, which helped me go from being a C student in math to getting a B on my final exam. I was so proud of that B; my teacher even commended me for my improvement." But when she came home from school that day, her father reacted sternly. "I paid for that tutor for three whole months and that's all you have to show for it? What a waste of money!" Sarah was devastated.

Sarah had internalized that criticism into her own excessive Critical Parent mind state. Beneath her feeling of failure was unresolved, repressed, and recycling anger in response to her father's excessive criticism when she was growing up. In time, she learned to channel her anger into productive action.

When I relate such stories, I am not parent-bashing, and that's not what I do in my therapy. I am just teaching the facts as to how cognitive, emotional, and behavioral responses are learned. Those responses derive not only from parental influence, but also from relationships with teachers, coaches, and peers. The messages in the internal critical script are crucial to identify. That can be a challenge, since much of this content has been repressed and, more often than not, channeled into extreme perfectionism. That perfectionism can lead to avoidance—the feeling that "If I can't do it perfectly, then I can't or shouldn't do it at all." Often when I start therapy with perfectionist clients, their initial response is to be protective and defensive of their parents, with a conditioned reflex to detach from important dynamics and issues: anxiety → detachment → avoidance.

Here's another example. Jacqueline was an intellectually gifted lawyer in her mid-forties; she specialized in contract negotiations. Her anxiety at work arose out of her belief that in many situations she had nothing to say. Each year, her performance evaluation included phrases such as "lack of assertiveness," "too passive," and "needs to contribute more to discussions and client meetings." Jacqueline desperately wanted to make partner, but she was passed over and for several years had seen younger, less experienced attorneys pass her by. With thousands of lawyers losing their jobs during the 2008 economic crisis, she began to fear for her job. That fear caused her to participate even less in meetings; she felt, and wanted to feel, invisible in order to avoid conflict. In treatment, Jacqueline told me that her parents had moved to the United States from the Caribbean, where "children should be seen and not heard." Her father had reinforced that cultural belief throughout her childhood. This critical content inhibited the development of the spontaneity and creativity of her Natural Child. She did not trust her instinct enough, and had overdeveloped her Critical Parent mind state. She had been repressing substantial frustration and anger—both at her father and at herself, the result of the CP inhibiting the expression of her NC.

Resolving anger is critical to your success. Any client of mine who has achieved a high degree of resolution to social and performance anxiety has done productive work with anger. Yet at the beginning of treatment, many of these clients said, "I'm not angry" or "I do not consider myself to be an angry person." They had detached from their anger, often years before seeking treatment; confronting that emotion was simply too intimidating.

As I mentioned, it's not just parents who contribute to our internal critical scripts. I was brought up in the state of Maine. When I was in the eighth grade, I played on the basketball team. As a junior member of the team, I spent a good deal of time on the bench, and only got to play about five minutes a game. At one point a new player joined the team. He had moved to Maine from Brooklyn, New York. He was a tough guy. He picked on me somewhat with an anti-Semitic attitude, which was hard to take. If I met him today, I would kill him! Just kidding! That was my Natural Child and an attempt at drama therapy—designed to get your attention. In reality, if I met him today, I would ask him if he wanted to play hoops—having channeled my anger into confidence a long time ago. Without sounding too narcissistic, I cannot imagine that at age 59 he would be in as good a shape as I am. And I always thought I was a better ball player than he was back in the eighth grade. The point here is that I was very aware of my anger and I have learned how to channel it productively though the years. Anger is energy!

For example, Margie owned a community newspaper. She had a lot of stress regarding day-to-day operations and was coming to me for general stress management and biofeedback training. I had been teaching her temperature training (hand warming). One day I had her on a temperature machine, which required her to hold a temperature sensor. Her beginning temperature was 78 degrees Fahrenheit, which you now know indicates stress. After 25 minutes of practicing relaxation assisted by the machine's feedback, her temperature remained at the starting point. She was pressing too hard, which created sustained stress. That told us something right there: She was too anxious to let go—literally! After her relaxation exercise, I was talking with her while she remained connected to the machine. As she was talking about her stress at work, without focusing on the machine, an interesting thing happened. During the next 10 minutes, her skin temperature increased about 10 degrees. Without trying to relax, instead just talking, she was releasing frustration and anger, thereby creating vasodilation.

When your hand temperature is warm and dry, do you have a sense of ease or release? When it is cold, cool, or sweaty, are you aware of a sense of urgency or tension? You know the drill. TUNE IN. What's the temperature of your hands now? Your thoughts? Your emotions?

Lifestyle changes—even simple ones—can help manage negative stress and the exhaustion it causes. Cindy was a would-be singer and disco queen, a singer and dancer, age 45. Her role model was Madonna, and her act was intended to express creative freedom and self-expression, the realm of the Natural Child. She suffered stage fright before every performance; training was a challenge because of an alcohol and marijuana habit as well as substantial back pain. I knew of a doctor, John Sarnow, M.D., who treated back pain as both an emotional and physical condition, and I suggested she read his book, Healing Back Pain. She skipped the book and (drawing on both NP and NC) went directly to the doctor. She reported her experience to me in therapy, and I was impressed when I learned more about his specific beliefs and therapeutic blueprint. His take on back pain treatment was similar to mine for anxiety. His work helped me refine my therapeutic knowledge.

Sarnow treats back pain with emotional workshops. Like Sigmund Freud, who is considered the father of psychiatry, Sarnow discovered his patients' physical symptoms were the direct result of strong feelings repressed in the unconscious "We are all under one kind of pressure or another," he explains. "We all have internal reactions to those pressures, and all of us will have physical symptoms in response to those inner feelings. No matter how we react to life's pressures consciously, another world of reactions exists in the unconscious."

The concept of the unconscious mind originated in antiquity and has been explored across cultures. It has been a foundation of many psychologies including that of Freud, who developed a vertical hierarchy of consciousness: the conscious mind, the preconscious, and the unconscious. While neuroscience supports the existence of the unconscious, this concept is still in its infancy.

As it relates to work, the unconscious mind is a repository for both current assignments and past knowledge and perspectives. It is capable of processing and ruminating without your being aware that it is doing so. The unconscious mind played an important role in the writing of this book. "Not working" was part of working. My typical schedule would involve a few hours of deep concentration at the computer, then exercising, just thinking, watching television, contemplating my navel, or whatever, and creative thoughts and additional content would come into my mind. The conscious writing stimulated content from my unconscious. Another way to understand this is that ideas were formulated by passive concentration. For whatever it's worth, I consciously scheduled my writing and creative time for days when I was not doing clinical work. My brain has finite energy (like yours) and I know my limits. In other words, I invest in nurturing myself with realistic expectations.

In a nutshell, Dr. Sarnow believes repressed anger and rage inhibit the flow of oxygen into the bloodstream, causing back pain—not all back pain, but a specific syndrome called tension myositis syndrome (TMS). I believe the same occurs with anxiety as well as depression, which is often a byproduct of anxiety: When oxygen levels are inhibited, anxiety can result.

Sarnow identifies three potential sources of pressure and rage in the unconscious:

"The brain tries desperately to divert out attention from rage in the unconscious," he says. "We can influence unconscious thought processes by the application of conscious thought processes." This is what the attachment process in this book is all about! The more you bring issues to a conscious level, the less susceptible to anxiety you will be. Stress accrues over time. Just as you put money in the bank to collect interest, your unresolved anger and rage is collecting interest internally. That's not the kind of interest you want to earn.

Let's consider anger from a mind state perspective. The Natural Child is the seat of desire. When your true desires are not nurtured by the Nurturing Parent mind state, the result is anger and rage, whether conscious or not conscious. For example:

These are common examples of investing in anger and rage. Your decisions are "rage in the bank"—and the cumulative anger makes anxiety worse and worse.

TUNE IN: What's the temperature of your hands now? This process of temperature awareness, and the concurrent challenge of identifying your thoughts and feelings, has been an important exercise in bringing unconscious content to a conscious level. Have you been doing it?

List three scenarios which may be an investment in anger for you:

When Howard Stern blew me off his show (we were going to talk about "involuntary virginity") in favor of a hermaphrodite and the largest rubber band ball in the world, I was goddamn pissed off. Come on Howard, call me now; I'll give you a good show! Amy feels enraged and marginalized in situations where her contributions are not acknowledged. But she is better able now to use her Nurturing Parent mind state to give herself credit for a job well done. Her Adult reminds her that this is just what's so—and just because her clients or supervisors fail to give her credit doesn't mean the work was not valuable. She is even able to laugh about her tendency to overreact: "A friend of mine told me a long time ago never to confuse malevolence and stupidity, and I see the point," she says. "If someone fails to give even a thumbs-up, he's not necessarily out to get you. He could just lack the managerial skills to keep you motivated!"

Being angry at yourself for failing to do a good enough job derives from an excessive Adapted Child. When the CP-AC dynamic interferes with the Natural Child's pure desire, the Natural Child becomes enraged. Unconsciously, you become furious at the powerlessness. This gets established at an early age. A person may mask that anger by expressing resentment over the assignment or procrastinating rather than taking care of it. Accountability is easy when you're on track, but much harder when you face a challenging project or an unanticipated roadblock. Susan had one month to complete a budget for a series of promotional events at the auto dealership where she worked. She was excited about these events, and she used her Natural Child to brainstorm ideas such as an Oktoberfest to highlight Volkswagens and a tempura station to draw attention to Toyotas. Some printed pieces were necessary to promote these events, but they were not Susan's focus as she planned the marketing effort. She saved the pricing portion until the week before her deadline only to discover that the graphic designer she always used was on a two-week European vacation and therefore completely unavailable to provide an estimate. Susan didn't enjoy the nuts and bolts part of planning, so she avoided it. She was furious at herself and dreaded explaining her delay to the dealership owner.

Obsessions are intrusive, unwelcome, distressing thoughts and mental images. The word "obsession" comes from the Latin word obsidere, meaning "to besiege." Previously, I defined obsessing as sustained ingrained worry. Often obsessing is characterized by unpleasant thoughts that do not go away and keep intruding in to your mind against your will, thoughts like these:

To get a handle on this type of obsessive thoughts, you must attach to the memories of incidents that caused these feelings. Do not push those memories and emotions away. Obey your coach! Use your NP to support yourself as you delve into the realm of anger. Use your A to objectively analyze these obsessive thinking patterns. You will see that unresolved anger is the emotion that drives the repetition.

There are always options, but anxiety may prevent you from seeing them. These options may take some work. You may have to use courage—action in the face of fear. You may have to confront your own failure to be accountable for your poor performance or lack of skill. You may have to acknowledge that the job you are in is not the right position for you for whatever reason (corporate culture, essential responsibilities, etc.). At some point, following through on an option will require anxiety management. In that way, you can think of anxiety management as a job skill. Recall the Problem-Solving Technique on page 108 in Chapter 4. Now might be a good time to go back and review it.

Compulsions are behaviors that people perform in a vain attempt to control the fears and anxieties caused by their obsessions. While the sufferer often is aware that these behaviors are ridiculous, the feeling is so strong that he or she gives in to the compulsion and magical thinking—superstitions such as "If I ever wear the outfit I wore that day my boss yelled at me in front of everyone, I will make another major mistake" or "I have to push the elevator button with my thumb or I'll have a bad day."

Jim wrestled with compulsions related to his anxiety. He grew up in a small southern town and was being groomed to take over the family business. Jim was intelligent, attractive, a good athlete, and a good soul. As a teenager, he developed a blushing problem. "I began to blush in nerve-wracking situations such as being with groups and dating," he recalls. "During this time, I became very confused and angry, because I could not figure out why this was happening to someone like me. I was very popular and an outgoing person and assumed I lived the perfect life."

It was all Jim could think about. "This blushing thing was terrifying," he says. Jim was constantly looking in the mirror, touching his face several times a day, all to try to control his blushing. Nothing worked. "My blushing obsession led to many forms of checking compulsions," he says. "I would obsess about things that had happened. There were times I would become brain-locked for days over a silly blushing episode. In the midst of all this obsessive-compulsive behavior, I developed a mild case of panic disorder because I would misinterpret bodily sensations that would cause me to have anxiety." He learned to avoid spicy food, bright sun, and other sensations that would make his face feel like it was blushing. Diagnosed with "facial hyperhidrosis," Jim found himself in a surgeon's office, having a consultation about an endoscopic thoracic sympathectomy (ETS) to cut his facial nerves. "I decided to have surgery to magically fix the problem," Jim recalls. "Little did I know that the majority of my issues were mental, not physical! Thank goodness I did not follow through with that procedure."

In therapy, he found the roots of his problem in his early childhood experiences. "My anxiety issues began when I was a young child," he says. "I would do things such as have to tie my shoes 'perfectly' or have to say what time it was 'perfectly.' But the anxiety did not become tormenting until I was around the age of sixteen." He was able to go deeper and discover that he believed his blushing was "a punishment from God." Having grown up in a Southern Baptist environment, he believed that "God would punish people for not abiding by the religious doctrine" and that he was being punished for his partying (dating many women, going to bars, etc.). The CP he internalized from that religious doctrine inhibited his NC's ability to express himself freely. "Eventually I learned to let the uncomfortable thought/anxiety be there without reacting to it," he explains. "If the compulsion was physical"—say, checking the mirror many times a day to see if his face was red—"then I would resist performing the compulsion until the anxiety subsided."

Now, let's go deeper. You are going to learn a strategy geared to get the brain to stop creating your anxiety. I respectfully credit Dr. Sarnow for his input into the following concepts.

Sarnow refers to a "reservoir" within us where rage, unresolved anger, emotional pain, sadness, and feelings of unworthiness are stored. The F.A.T.E. patterns developed in early childhood carry over into our adult lives. Shame, embarrassment, guilt, and loss of control—four categories that fill Sarnow's reservoir to the point that the brain must produce symptoms to protect us from these feelings. The reservoir is located in the AC: learned emotion, albeit, not conscious. Sarnow's point of intervention has been back pain. Mine has been anxiety. Sarnow adds that "all of the above result in feelings of unworthiness as we enter adult life, and these in turn lead to the next contributor of the reservoir."

On a daily basis, or as often as you can, write about the things you would rather not think about. (Remember, paradoxical thinking!) Take a few minutes and just do it—using the notebook, handheld device, or computer files you have been relying on throughout the program. Seriously, just a few minutes each day. This process will help you connect your conscious mind with your unconscious. After you write, if you don't want to keep the material, you can tear it up or erase it. Doesn't matter. It's the act of giving words to those fears you usually detach from that has value. This will develop your NC and A mind states. Trust the process!

Ed, a successful businessman and entrepreneur in his mid-forties, found this exercise extremely useful. He had everything in place to have a great life—plenty of money, a wonderful family, plenty of vacations, a motorcycle he loved to ride. The reason for his unhappiness was his difficulty with letting go of his internal critical script, which told him that he should always be working. This script was inherited from his parents, who were always working; they never encouraged Ed to play as a kid but always to be working. Yes, this excessive script did result in anger, a lot of which was unconscious. Although Ed was quite intelligent, he had a difficult time identifying specific thoughts and emotions. Ed's anger was the result of his early experiences: Don't enjoy, don't play, don't let go. Taking the time to put those feelings into words helped him get in touch with the specific, deeper issues.

At the end of the day, before you go to bed, go to a private comfortable place. Take a few minutes and do your diaphragmatic breathing. Focus only on your breathing for a few minutes. Breathe intruding thoughts away. Imagine a six- or seven-year-old you sitting in front of you. Tell this child that you love him or her and that you are going to give him or her the love and support he or she needs. Accept any emotions that you experience. Do this often.

You have been learning the importance of anger as it relates to social and performance anxiety. Identifying it, expressing it, and channeling it into productive energy is the goal. Anger is often unconscious, so the key is to bring it out in the open. I mentioned previously that when I initially bring up the issue of anger, many of my clients say they have never related their anxiety to anger. In my office, I have a little hole in the wall that has been there for 15 years—it was caused by a teenager who stormed out of the office, slamming the door in a state of rage because of what her parents were discussing. I decided to leave it there as a point for therapeutic discussion with clients. Anger is not always this obvious.

As a means of helping clients identify and express anger, I use an exercise I call "Anger Under the Microscope." Here are my instructions: Write about your anger. Do not censor yourself (turn down your CP). Use whatever language you want. In fact, be as descriptive as possible (NC). I encourage you to use colorful language (NC). Really let it out. Talk about people, situations, events, past, present, anything you want. Do not be concerned about grammar, spelling, typos, or messy handwriting. You are not being graded (turn down your CP!). Let go!

The following is an excerpt from a client named Ray's writing exercise. Again, this exercise is all about expression, not perception. Do not obsess about writing quality or even how well you say what you choose to say. Just get it out there. You don't even have to dot your i's and cross your t's if you don't want to. Remember, we are going deeper. Everyone with an anxiety disorder has his or her own issues, but many of Ray's are common. The goal with Ray was to get him to express the repressed and recycling energy that drove his distress and anxiety.

Anger is many things to me. First off, I get angry with myself when I feel I lose control. Losing control can be drinking, eating, smoking, spending money, not making wise decisions. Anger can also include my past such as being angry that I didn't do certain things, and being angry that I did do certain things. I also feel that I let myself get frustrated and this builds up inside, frustrations such as not having enough time to do everything I need to do, always being under the gun at work and home, never having time just to relax and not worry. Worry is the key word, I believe. Even though I am not outwardly angry I find myself losing patience, something I had always had a tremendous amount of. I am worried I am becoming more and more like my father in terms of being short on patience, something I never thought would happen. I am at a point where I don't know if I am frustrated, overly worrisome, or angry, or all three. Somehow they are all intertwined, though.

This client went on to resolve his anxiety problem: He would avoid communicating with his senior partner, and he became more proactive because he learned to control his adrenaline in challenging situations. Recognizing his tendencies, he chose to combat his self-loathing with self-esteem-building affirmations and activities. He also put some systems in place to control the avoidant behavior.

Now, while this issue is fresh in your mind and your brain has just been stimulated by the previous essay, write your own "Anger Under the Microscope." Take a deep breath and do it! Stop reading, put the book down, and do it. Then return.

So, what are your thoughts? Be clear on what they are. TUNE IN: Connect your skin temperature right now to your feelings and thoughts. As you progress with your healing, when you are consciously aware of your anger, also be aware of the temperature of your hands.

When your CP is excessive, putting unrealistic demands on your AC and NC, the result is anger. "Be perfect, don't make any mistakes, don't be nervous, don't have adrenaline; you have to be the best, you should know everything already, and most of all, you should not have feelings!" This CP content is not only excessive, but toxic. It will set the AC up for rage, anger, and implosion. Note: I am not saying "don't strive for perfection." I am saying if you are striving for perfection, you'd better have realistic expectations. Plus, you have a better chance of achieving it if you are loose instead of tense.

Want to make sure that you have a lot of rage? Let your CP tell you that "if your performance is not good, you are not okay as a person." That message will guarantee you a myriad of problems. Logic and objectivity, your A, will tell you that there is indeed a vast difference between a performance and identity and personhood. Believe me, I still thought I was an okay guy after the camera showed me looking at the floor during my CNN appearance, even though I was upset and pissed!

Now, list three ways your CP is currently putting unrealistic demands on you, causing frustration or anger:

Another way to guarantee anger and rage is to be aware of your true desires and not act on them. For example, you may want to talk to that difficult authority figure at work, give a presentation, resolve a conflict, or take a risk at expressing yourself to co-workers. But the thought of acting on that desire causes you anxiety. Trust me. I am aware of this. But the truth of reality is that unless you nurture yourself by learning how to control your anxiety in such a way that you are free to take actions, the anger and rage will build (consciously or unconsciously), working against you at a very deep level.

Think about three work situations in which you want to take action and have been holding back. Get in touch with your anger over those situations. Now, list them.

Often a symptom of unresolved anger is brooding—obsessive negative preoccupation. Irene was a special education teacher, age 30, with a lot of social anxiety. It was a difficult challenge for her to interact socially with her peers at work. She put pressure on herself because she thought she should know it all. She would avoid asking for help because she didn't want to look or feel stupid. She would greet each morning with dread and come home at night exhausted. At home she would spend endless hours on the Internet, compulsively researching a multiplicity of subjects, primarily issues related to pregnancy. She was having difficulty conceiving, and went so far as to say she was glad when one of her work associates had a miscarriage. Sometimes anger can run amok. Anger at her own situation. Angry at herself. This is typical of many avoidant and anxious people. "Life is not fair." "Why do they have it and not me?" These people convey an attitude that the world owes them something—even though, deep down, they may realize they are not pulling their own weight because anxiety is holding them back.

Remember Carol, the ovarian cancer survivor who told me that she would "rather be back in chemotherapy than speak in front of a group"? That's a very compelling remark—and makes clear just how debilitating anxiety can be. I have often started radio shows and lectures with that story to get the audience's attention. Really, think for a moment: Death versus embarrassment. For someone with social anxiety, embarrassment is excruciating. Where others may laugh off a misstep or fumble, a workplace anxiety sufferer will experience extremely uncomfortable physical symptoms and a seemingly endless internal monologue of Critical Parent–Adapted Child judgment and disgust. Embarrassment has an impact on social anxiety sufferers at a very deep, if not molecular level.

But remember what you have learned: Embarrassment is an internal dynamic. Consider both my setup on The Opie & Anthony Show and my appearance on The Anderson Cooper Show. I had a choice in those situations: Let my confidence sink or swim with the tide. You choose if you are going to be embarrassed by external stimuli. You are in control. You make the decisions. It all depends on how you manage your mind states. Resolving embarrassment requires that you develop self-esteem and actualize the NP and A mind states. The mind states are dynamic: Raise your NP and A, along with your NC, and your twin towers—CP and AC—will naturally recede to a productive and comfortable level.

This is a typical situation that I currently dread due to my fear of embarrassment:

_______________________________________________________

While being totally logical and rational (Adult), I know others would really be thinking:

_______________________________________________________

I know my exaggerated emotion of embarrassment stems from situations in the past which may have been traumatic, such as:

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

Use your Adult logic to answer the following:

What is the worst feeling that can result when you experience embarrassment?

I understand that there are situations where anxiety sufferers believe they will lose their jobs if they are noticeably nervous at work. Sometimes this could be true, depending on whether your visible anxiety symptoms somehow compromise your effectiveness. For example, a hotel front desk manager who gets flustered and cannot concentrate when a customer has a complaint may simply not be suited to or effective in that job. A cruise director who develops stage fright will not be very good at energizing a crowd. But even in those situations, a solution exists that a person can try before dismissal comes to pass. Learning to manage anxiety through mind states balance and the Quieting Response could mean the difference between employment and a new job search. Recall that research shows the fear of losing one's job is even more anxiety-provoking than actually being laid off or fired.

And if you have already lost your job or resigned from it because you hadn't yet beat your anxiety problem, you now have the opportunity to build stress management skills so that, next time, you'll be able to handle what comes up. In any event, call on your Adult mind state to remind yourself that you are not alone. According to Estelle H. Rauch, L.C.S.W.: "Today's treacherous economy, with its deteriorating job market in most sectors, has created a level of shared stress approaching dread in even the highest functioning members of our society," she writes in an article entitled "The Psychology of Uncertainty: Surviving the Job Search." "Many who had followed their superior educations with gratifying careers now join the always-vulnerable underclass in experiencing profound uncertainty in their work lives."

Your Adult logic is also the place to turn to combat embarrassment—a prerequisite for healing and anxiety resolution at work. Take a moment to define embarrassment for yourself:

Focus on your AC, where embarrassment is located, to answer this question:

To me, embarrassment means:

_______________________________________________________

Now, switch your focus to the NP. What message does your NP need to communicate to the AC?

_______________________________________________________

This is an excellent exercise in nurturing. You are the best person to come up with the NP words of encouragement that you'd like to hear. The words you choose may not be the same as the words others would pick. Use the Nurturing Statements Guide for inspiration if you like. Here are some situations and their outcomes to get you started.

Andrea was a Web designer for a small publishing house. As the publisher expanded, he decided to add an online distribution arm to his enterprise. In a previous job with a large company, Andrea had received the same directive. But that company had had the budget to outsource the assignment, leaving Andrea to focus on the design and production work she did so well. This time, there was no money available. It was up to Andrea to do the whole job. She made her best effort, and even worked with the PR person at the company to launch a promotional campaign advertising the site's new functionality. The launch date came. And went. Andrea's attempt had failed to work, and phones started ringing off the hook with customers complaining about the problem. The problem would take Andrea a day to fix. "In the past," she says, "I would have left the office immediately and gone home to bed—just to avoid the physical and emotional torture that I would go through if I stayed." But this time was different. "Because I'd learned to use my Nurturing Parent mind state, I was able to comfort myself and lower the anxiety to an acceptable level. By the time I had begun working on the fix, my anxiety had dissipated." What were the phrases she used? "This is just a temporary setback and a normal part of being a Web developer." "You're handling this well, and you can press on and do what needs doing." "Your colleagues have confidence in you, and that includes knowing you can fix what's broken."

Carolyn was a REALTOR with a major agency. Since getting her real estate license six months earlier, she had had three listings of her own, and had also had some co-listings with another, more experienced agent who was mentoring her. When she was unable to sell one of the properties after three months, the clients let their seller's agreement lapse and ended up with another agency. Carolyn took this as a sign that she had failed. Nothing her mentor said could persuade her otherwise. Finally, Carolyn got herself together enough to remember the power of Adult logic: "The fact of the matter was that my clients had not renewed with me." That was a fact. "I also acknowledged the plain truth that it was a very difficult market at the moment," she said. "I also observed that I had done everything I knew how to do—including holding open houses and printing color flyers for the other real estate agents. I was straight with myself about the fact that I could have advertised more heavily or targeted my promotions more effectively (that one was hard to swallow, but it was a fact)." And finally, she says, she offered herself true comfort with the words "You are doing the best that you know how." "And that was absolutely true," she says. "It took my Nurturing Parent to point that out!"

The deepest manifestation of embarrassment and shame as well as unresolved anger is the feeling of being flawed as a person. The concept of flaw is at the root of self-esteem problems. Obviously, everyone has flaws because there is really no such thing as being perfect. Who determines what is perfect anyway?

Stan, for example, considered himself deeply flawed. From the outside looking in, Stan had it all: a good job, a lovely wife, two healthy kids. He was an award-winning architect and avid triathlete. But he had a secret, something he could tell no one but that was on his mind every second of every day: He was sexually attracted to men. For a man with a wife and family, this was a major emotional conflict, to say the least. Stan loved his wife and his married lifestyle. But he was finding it increasingly difficult to deny these other feelings—and he was sure that his face told the entire story. "When you are nervous, people can see who you really are," he said. He really was a high-achieving, if overly perfectionist, man who was well liked at work and socially. But he couldn't see that; his CP/AC was too much at the forefront of his thoughts. It was not until Stan did some very intensive therapeutic work that he was able to develop self-acceptance.

Cathy, age 52, a systems design engineer, believed she was flawed by her blushing, which was a major issue with her performance anxiety and avoidant behavior. She avoided expressing herself and being generally proactive at work. She avoided interacting with her supervisor. She was terrified about speaking in and in front of groups. Her self-esteem was handicapped. Her mood was negative. Using her Natural Child mind state, she tried something unusual while in therapy: She wrote a letter to her blush. These are her words:

For years I feared your arrival, like an unwelcome last minute guest who spoils the party every time, humiliating me in front of all my other, important guests. At first I had a hard time seeing you coming and was always caught off guard; then I came to expect you, so I stopped planning so many parties.

After a lot of work and introspection, I thought I had learned how to keep you at bay. But what I didn't realize was that my life became about keeping you at bay. You became my focus. When you failed to show up so often, I took it as a sign that I was doing well. And in many ways I was doing better. But I was measuring how well I was doing by the frequency and intensity of your appearance.

Now, I'm coming to realize that although dealing with you has been so very hard in many ways, just getting to that point is a very low threshold to reach in terms of having a good life.

At long last I'm learning that you are not some scary interloper bent on doing me harm. Actually you are really just a part of me, a mirror of my insecurities. You've actually been trying to do me a favor, showing me in a way that was literally "in my face" that I was not respecting myself, wasn't valuing myself above the assessments of others. Instead you were trying to tell me that I've been so preoccupied with what other people think that I have all but shelved my own natural impulses and desires about what I want out of life.

Unfortunately, for the longest time I misinterpreted your message. When I feel you coming, my tendency is to think, "Oh no, not you again. What if people see you? I'll be mortally embarrassed and humiliated." And when I do that my focus stays on what people think. But now I know better than to stop there. My response, which is starting to come more naturally to me, is I am interested in getting the most out of this situation, both for myself and for others. Of course I am showing some signs of nervous excitement—that is normal. But I don't have to worry if these people think I'm a good and worthwhile person, because I know I am—that's a given!

It has taken a really long time to get to this point. Part of me is angry about how much of my life I have wasted worrying about you. But there is nothing that I can do to change that and I have good years still ahead of me. I'm excited!

I'm putting more stock in what matters to ME. I'm putting my focus on envisioning things that I want to happen, rather than on things I fear happening. I've started asking for what I want, instead of assuming I can't get it and never trying. Great new people are coming into my life. I find it easier to prioritize demands rather than being in a constant state of being overwhelmed.

The shift is energizing, but it's still new and a bit scary. But I know this is the way I want to be.

Kathy resolved her problem, as you can see from her letter. She even went on to win a public speaking award at her regional Toastmasters competition.

I have had many clients with similar issues. Everyone wants to fit in—that is true from the time we are little children. Being singled out in any way is the anxiety sufferer's worst nightmare. Different = bad. Stan who was afraid his colleagues could detect his same-sex attraction, about which he was highly conflicted. Stan did not want to appear different. Being different can be difficult. Imagine, for example, being

These distinctions are not always discernable to the naked eye. But that medical research employee may feel sure that everyone is judging him for his lack of a college degree. That waiter just knows all the other servers are talking about what a bad fit he is and how he must not be very smart if his PhD only got him as far as this. People have feelings of shame about coming from an impoverished background, and even embarrassment about physical features such as buck teeth or a deformed finger. "When you are nervous," as Stan put it, "people can see who you really are." Unworthy. Damaged. Flawed. Raising your NP and A will turn down the volume on that CP/AC voice, allowing you to begin healing and build self-esteem.

Many individuals with the struggle of being noticeably nervous, especially with blushing and sweating, believe they are genetically flawed. Countless numbers of social anxiety sufferers believe they are flawed by a lack of intelligence even if they are obviously quite bright. Believing you have a flaw is the result of excessive CP. The biggest challenge is when an anxiety sufferer believes the anxiety is totally the result of a genetic flaw. This belief inhibits the person's ability to develop compensatory strategies. Self-acceptance is the key; it is the ultimate example of the positive Critical Parent mind state.

Believing you are flawed also gives you the perfect out—if there's "nothing to do about it," you can avoid taking action. Do not fall for this Critical Parent trap! Use your Nurturing Parent to remind yourself that even baby steps result in steady progress. Use your Adult to reinforce the fact that there is nothing permanently wrong with you. Your current problem with anxiety is a fact of life—it is not permanent and you can resolve it. Use your Natural Child to continue exploring new ideas by working this program. As you raise these mind states, the twin towers will fall in line, and you can use the Critical Parent and Adapted Child for the roles they serve best: Your CP will tell you that you are capable of anxiety management. And your AC will say that achieving anxiety management is necessary for improving your work and your life.

There is a high degree of self-centeredness associated with workplace anxiety.

Narcissism is at its core self-love. It manifests itself in different degrees, from a healthy self-esteem to the root of much mental illness. A sense of self-centeredness is integral to all anxiety sufferers. You may feel like the center of attention—closely scrutinized, heavily judged—when in fact no one is paying attention or even really cares. We are all busy paying attention to ourselves, not zeroing in on someone else's trembling hands or blushing cheeks. (Sigmund Freud, the father of modern psychiatry, believed every one of us is a born narcissist.)

There is a great degree of selfishness in missing a deadline, in failing to return a phone call, in dropping the ball. If this resonates with you, stop to consider the ways in which you are detaching from the impact you have on others. Use your Adult to note instances where you have set integrity aside or made excuses for your behavior. Then, access your Critical Parent mind state (without that internal critical script); attach to the effect your behavior has on other people. Then, using the Problem-Solving Technique, outline a plan of action that would have taken care of those situations. Are there current areas of life in which you are being narcissistic? What can you do to nip that in the bud and restore your integrity?

What I did The effect it had on other people (name them)

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Plan of action

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Attaching to your fears rather than avoiding them, "going blank," or ducking out of uncomfortable situations will make an extraordinary difference in your life. This is hard work, and you deserve kudos for taking action in the face of fear. In the words of Jerilyn Ross, one of the pioneers of anxiety therapy, who died in early 2010:

The moment you understand that you have a living, breathing relationship with your anxiety—a relationship whose qualities and character are of your making—is the moment you free yourself from the tyranny of fear and assert your right to challenge, subdue, and even embrace it.