15

Flexibility

When, Why, and How to Make Use of Alternative Schedules, Remote Work, and Other Special Arrangements

You know you want it. Even the word—flexibility—has a delicious, aspirational ring. It lets you imagine a better, healthier version of your own life: one in which you’re doing well professionally and spending enough time with the kids and enjoying more personal downtime and feeling more even-keeled and all because you have a little more say over how much you work, where, and when.

Back in capital-R Reality, though, you may not be certain of just what flexibility really means, or what kind or how much you need, how to go about getting it, how to really make it work, or what impact it might have on your career longer term. And the various flexible work arrangements (“FWAs”) you’ve seen other people using might not be at all feasible or helpful for you. So sure, you want flexibility—almost all of us do. But in terms of plotting your way forward, you may feel a little uncertain or stuck.

Let’s fix that: let’s clear up any confusion, get you the practical information you need, and get you moving in a good direction. To jump-start your thinking and sense of possibility, we’ll begin by looking at the spectrum of flex-work options—and then carefully zoom in on which one(s) could fit you best. Then we’ll go over the important how-tos for getting your boss on board, making flexibility work day-to-day and longer term, and preserving your career options and capital along the way.

Possible Arrangements, What They Offer—and What to Be Cautious About

Whatever your line of work, and however broad your network, it’s likely that you’ve seen only a few types of flexible work, and seen those types used only by certain people or in a narrow fashion. Maybe it’s common for recent moms (but not dads) in your workplace to opt for three-day workweeks when they come back from parental leave, or you have friends in the tech industry who’ve been told that post-Covid-19 they can work remotely forever, or friends from school have managed to get formal, contracted FWA arrangements in place through their employers’ HR departments. That’s great; those arrangements may serve as terrific models. But if you think of them as the only possible models, you’re cheating yourself. You’re foreclosing on differentiated, custom solutions that could work, or work better, for your specific career and family—and conversely, putting yourself at risk of reaching for an off-the-rack arrangement that turns out to be a terrible fit. And if those options feel too far removed from your own career or circumstances, you can easily get discouraged: you might glumly think, Yeah, it’s fine that other people can work remotely, but my job means showing up.

Don’t forget: vacation

Before you commit to—or even start toying with the idea of using—an FWA, be certain that you’re taking, or have a plan to take, every paid day off possible. To reach for flex work without using your full vacation allotment makes no sense: it’s the equivalent of putting an addition on your house when you’re not using the space you already have. It’s a much smarter move to max out every possible existing, built-in flex option you can before pursuing another.

Before you rush into any standard-issue FWA or conclude that flexibility is a no-go, you owe it to yourself to step back and get a sense of the full range and breadth of flex-work strategies. It’s possible that gazing across that whole wide vista may not change your mind or plan of action one bit. But it may give you brand-new and actionable ideas, and at the very least, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you’ve approached the “flex question” thoughtfully and thoroughly as a proactive working parent.

Table 15-1, “Flexibility Options at a Glance,” lets you get that sweeping view quickly. It defines and illustrates flex-work options by general category and lays out the unique benefits and possible drawbacks of each. Take the next few minutes to scan the table, keeping an open mind: try to quell that internal naysayer voice telling you that would never work for an architect/senior vice president/nursing mother, nobody in my organization has ever done that, or the guys on the team would make fun of me just for asking. You don’t have to use each of these options, or any of them. The important thing you’re doing here is becoming a savvy, informed consumer.

TABLE 15-1

Flexibility Options at a Glance

Type

Description

Example(s)

Key benefits: this approach lets you

Challenges—and things to be cautious about

Change your hours

Shifted hours

You keep your overall hours and professional commitments consistent but do your work at different times.

Instead of being on the job from 8:00 a.m. until 6:00 p.m. daily, from Monday through Friday, you:

•  Arrive at the office at 6:30 a.m.—and leave by 4:30 p.m., OR

•  Work a 10-hour overnight shift, and have your days free, OR

•  Clock 10 hours of work each weekend—and leave earlier on the weekdays,

•  Etc.

•  Keep your pay, benefits, career capital, network, and overall role intact

•  Manage to the hard stop of daycare-center hours or other caregiving arrangements

•  Optimize a difficult commute (e.g., lets you beat rush hour, or make the 5:00 p.m. express train)

•  Potential perception that you’re working less

•  Schedule may be rougher on you, personally—for example, 6:00 a.m. wake-ups may move to 4:30 a.m.

•  Early arrivals or later departures at work may require a special or hybrid childcare arrangement

Reduced hours (or “part-time” work)

You and your employer agree on a specific decrease in the overall amount of work you’ll do—and the hours you’ll spend doing it.

Instead of working 10 hours per day, you:

•  Work 7, OR

•  Instead of working 5 days per week, you work 3, OR

•  Instead of being required to deliver 2,000 client-billable hours per year, you agree to deliver 1,400.

•  “Scale down” your job effectively

•  Enjoy more-dedicated, intensive stretches of time at home, or on child-related activities (e.g., school volunteerism)

•  Reduced pay

•  May affect perceptions about your long-term ambitions

•  Significant danger that you end up working more than you’re being paid for

•  Risk of being “out of the loop” or passed over for good opportunities at work

•  May be harder to find childcare that matches your particular working hours

Compressed schedule

You keep your overall hours and professional commitments consistent, but do your work in condensed time periods, with longer breaks in between.

Instead of working 10 hours per day, 5 days per week, you:

•  Work 12.5 hours per day, 4 days per week, OR

•  Pull double shifts every Monday, and take Thursdays off, OR

•  Instead of seeing patients every day, you “stack” all of your appointments on 10 marathon-length days each month,

•  Etc.

•  Keep your pay, benefits, work status, and overall role intact

•  Enjoy more-dedicated, intensive stretches of time at home, or on child-related activities

•  Personal wear and tear from working extralong, intense days

•  Colleagues may be confused about your schedule—and commitment

•  Hours may prompt the need for special or hybrid childcare arrangement

Change your location

Remote work

You keep the same job and same hours—but do your work, at least some of the time, outside of your regular workplace. The alternative location may be your home, a branch office, or elsewhere.

Instead of working 5 days per week in the office, you work from home:

•  On Fridays, OR

•  On any day you don’t have in-person meetings, OR

•  2 days per month, OR

•  All the time.

•  Avoid time spent commuting and/or on low-value “face time” or “watercooler conversation” type activities

•  Stay physically closer to your child

•  Risk of perception that you’re working less

•  Pressure to find your professional and parenting boundaries (you’re always at work and at home)

•  May be hard to replicate your ideal work setup at home or elsewhere (adequate work space, needed technology, etc.)

•  Lower levels of communication with colleagues

Change the structure of the job

Job sharing

You work at a regular full-time job—but split that job with a trusted colleague. That split may be 50-50, or be a “job partition”—in which one or the other of you takes the lead on certain duties or projects, or has a clear specialization.

Instead of working 5 days per week, you work 2.5, handing off your work to your job-share partner, who then works the next 2.5 days—thus the two of you together fill one full-time role.

•  Stay “in the game” professionally while significantly increasing the amount of time you can spend at home with your child

•  Make a clean break from work: no checking email, no getting dragged back into calls on days off—your job-share partner handles it all

•  Hold a senior, leadership, or management role that wouldn’t be possible to do part-time

•  Hours worked may not let you qualify for benefits, retirement plan, etc.

•  Need to have incredible trust and communication with your job-share partner

•  Handoffs are key: need to pass the ball back and forth weekly and in a thorough, thoughtful way

Consulting

Instead of working in a full-time employee capacity, you become a contract worker—paid by the hour or project.

Instead of getting a biweekly paycheck and committing 50 hours per week to your employer (plus evenings, weekends, etc.), you work as requested, as needed, and as negotiated.

•  Have a greater degree of control over when and how much you work; allows you to say no more easily

•  Easier to set and maintain boundaries; no “face time” pressure—if you’re not getting paid for it, you don’t work

•  You become ineligible for benefits, paid sick leave, paid vacation, retirement plan, etc.

•  Organization may cut back on, or end, your arrangement at any time—with no severance payment to help cushion the blow

Project-by-project, or “situational,” flexibility

You remain a regular full-time employee OR move to a consulting arrangement. Either way, you take work in “waves”—alternating from periods of long hours and intense work focus to periods of much lighter commitment.

Instead of working 50 hours per week, you:

•  Work 80 during the weeks before major deliverables are due—and then cut back to 35 or less when they aren’t, OR

•  You work intensively 10 months per year, during your industry’s regular busy season, but spend slower summer months home with the kids.

•  Stay in the working game, while getting more time at home

•  Will likely have to make this arrangement happen organically, as you go, and on a constantly negotiated basis—rather than by way of an agreed, long-term contract with your employer

•  Even with a supportive boss and organization, may be impossible to plan ahead for the “hard weeks” versus the easier ones

Change yourself—or how you do things

Self-directed flexibility

You work the same job, hours, and location—but you take small “bites” of flexibility where and when you can and want to.

You work 50 hours per week, but routinely:

•  Completely shut off after 7:00 p.m., even though the messages keep coming, AND/OR

•  Leave for the school play when you need to, AND/OR

•  If you’ve worked late one night, decide to start work a little later the next day, AND/OR

•  Use the Split Day strategy covered in chapter 4, AND/OR

•  Actually use all of your personal days,

•  Etc.

•  Keep your pay, benefits, work status, and overall role 100% intact—all while getting just enough “give” in your work and schedule that you can be the parent you want

•  Combine the approach with other flexible arrangements

•  Requires constant personal decision-making and recalibration

•  Sense of personal anxiety that comes from making independent, under-the-radar decisions

•  May prompt confusion or negative perceptions among colleagues (“Why is he not working at 1:30 p.m. on a Tuesday?”)

What’s Going to Work for You?

As you reviewed the at-a-glance table and got smart on the range and variety of possible FWAs, it may have confirmed your initial gut sense that a job-sharing arrangement, or not working from home, or any other one particular option, is the right way forward. If you’re confident, convinced, and ready to try to turn your specific FWA idea into reality, skip ahead to the next section on advocating for it. If, however, you’re wavering between a few types or aren’t sure how to narrow the overall field down, let’s run through the key questions and factors that will help you figure things out. It cannot be stated strongly enough: while there’s no one “right” or permanent approach to flexibility, there is an overall best approach for you, right now—and now, we’ll determine what that is.

Begin by considering what specific problem you’re trying to solve for. The more you can zoom in on your workparent pain points, the better you can select an FWA that helps relieve them. For example: let’s say that you work in a physical office, and that the first six months of working parenthood has gone well, but you desperately wish you were able to be present for the dinner-bath-bed ritual with the baby. In that case, a one-day-per-week remote-work approach might provide some small amount of relief—you’d get to do dinner and bath on that particular night of the week—but a shifted schedule that gets you home at 5:00 p.m. each day would really solve your problem. On the other hand, if you’re superinvolved with the kids’ school but commuting ninety minutes each way to work, a remote-working setup could be just the ticket: it would immediately hand you back precious hours each week to attend PTA meetings and do drop-offs. Think of yourself as a “flexibility doctor,” prescribing the precise FWA medicine that will heal a specific condition.

Different parents, different career demands, different FWAs

‘‘It’s a wonderful thing about shift work that you can organize your hours to suit your family. One of my more senior colleagues set up her schedule to work Sundays, and then Mondays and Tuesdays overnight. She earned the same salary, but her family never missed her—they hardly even knew she was gone.”

—Tracy, nurse manager, mother of two

‘‘Flex hours really help. I get in by 7:00 and leave at 3:00. That lets me get home and spend time with the kids before they’re tired. My son is on a competitive soccer team, and we don’t have to race to get him to games or practice. I can be there when they’re getting their homework done.”

—Malcolm, industrial psychologist, father of two

‘‘In operations, you have to be willing to work emergencies, and to be available on weekends and holidays. When there’s a snowstorm, you work rotations until it’s over. That means you have to be flexible in your own thinking, and how you balance your schedule, and life. I’m off every Tuesday. That’s a 9:00-to-5:00 day for other people, but it’s a family day for me.”

—Kelly Ann, airport operations, mother of one

‘‘Don’t close any doors: try out different approaches before dismissing them as impossible. You’ll figure things out. At first I tried having one full day off, but in a client-services business that can be tough, so I shifted to two half-days. When I came back from my first leave six years ago I didn’t necessarily see myself as a partner here, but I was willing to experiment, and make adjustments, until I found what worked for me.”

—Nicole, management consultant, mother of three

As you mull over the best treatment, be pragmatic, and don’t forget to take into account:

  • Your type of work.  If you’re a restaurant employee, an airline pilot, a factory worker, or a critical-care nurse, you’ve got to show up to work in person. But you may have other kinds of leeway, like being able to work Saturdays and have Mondays at home with the kids.
  • The full costs to you.  Reduced hours mean a reduced income, which may be a complete nonstarter (unless, of course, that loss is offset by lower care costs).
  • The full costs to your employer.  That job-sharing arrangement may be just what you’re looking for, but tricky to get approved if it means your company has to pay for two full employee-insurance plans instead of one.
  • Your home, and how long it takes to get there.  If you live in a tiny city-center apartment two blocks from the office, remote work might be more burden than blessing. Through some clever self-directed flexibility, though, you might get extra time at home.
  • Your family structure, care arrangement, and Village.  If you’re toying with the idea of shifted hours, for example, think through who will take over caregiving responsibility during those very early mornings, late nights, or weekends—your partner, paid caregivers, a grandparent?
  • Your own psychology.  Remote work can be a huge benefit—unless, of course, you’re a type A, always-on sort of person, who has difficulty backing away from work and going into parent mode, or you’re the sort who easily moves into parent mode and then finds the intrusion of work into your home life depressing, and so on.

As you sift and sort all these various factors, you should be able to eliminate options quickly, and the best all-around choice should start coming into view. If it doesn’t, or if you’re still torn, try getting creative: think about how you might combine strategies, using them in very small bites, or how you might add your own twist to a standard option. Also try speaking to other working parents who have used the FWAs you’re considering: their perspective can be invaluable in clarifying your own.

Advocating for It

Once you’ve settled on the FWA that will work best for you, your next step is getting any approvals needed, getting your boss on board, and getting everything cleared for FWA takeoff.

If you’re seeking a more formal arrangement and you work in a large organization where FWAs are common, this is likely to be a fairly straightforward process. Chances are, there’s a set of guidelines for putting your flex setup in place or even a sample contract to use for making the request. Once you know the drill, sit down with your manager to talk about your “ask,” making it clear you’re doing so within approved organizational bounds. Be gracious, positive, and appreciative, but know that if you’re in good standing (e.g., haven’t been issued any kind of performance warning), chances are decent you’ll get the green light.

Enlisting your partner and caregivers

Your boss is an essential partner in making any FWA work—but you also need the support and understanding of the “bosses” in the home sphere: your partner, family, and caregivers. Play it forward: if your partner thinks working from home means available to handle errands and home-repair projects, or if your mother-in-law sees your second-shift evenings as good times to pop by for a visit, there’s going to be a lot of friction.

Before your FWA begins, have a direct conversation about your new schedule and approach with each key member of your at-home Village—just as you may already have done with your boss and colleagues. To help make things clear and to reinforce the idea that this is a real, official, no-joke arrangement, put your timetable on a piece of paper, with “work time” and “nonwork time” clearly marked off. Explain to your spouse/partner/family what you’ll need in order to make the arrangement successful—whether that’s to be left alone while in your home office, to have their help in doing daycare pickup, or to have dedicated use of the home laptop on Thursdays. Be direct, and refer—nicely—to consequences: “A condensed workweek will give me a lot more time with Mateo, which is a benefit for our whole family. If I can’t make it work, though, I’ll need to go back to the old way.” Be sure to offer a preemptive thank-you as well: flexibility may mean leaning on their time and patience in new ways, and feeling needed and appreciated will motivate them to help.

If you’re planning to use self-directed or informal flexibility, or seeking a very small-scale accommodation (e.g., leaving two hours early and only on Wednesdays), try having a this-is-no-big-deal, FYI-type conversation with your manager: “Chris, my plan is simply to duck out for doctor’s appointments and other kid-related reasons where needed, making up the work later in the day. I’ll keep the team posted, always be reachable on cell—but my hunch is that no one, including you, will notice.” If you’re seen as diligent and reliable, your manager is unlikely to squawk at this.

If, however, you work in an environment that’s less flex-friendly, or if there’s no formal policy or other official “permissioning” of flex work, or if you’re making a big ask (like moving from five days per week to two), or if you’re the first person in your organization to seek an FWA, then you’re probably going to need to go into sell mode.

When negotiating reduced hours

Be sure to specify what responsibilities, projects, clients, etc., you’ll be handing off in order to make your arrangement work. In other words, answer the question: To move from a fifty- to a thirty-five-hour week, what will I stop doing?

If you neglect this step, you set yourself up for some major potential strain and frustration. You may find yourself getting paid for only thirty-five hours, while really continuing to work fifty—or you may find yourself in a desperate race to somehow compress fifty good hours of work into that tighter time frame. Neither of those outcomes is desirable or feasible. Be thoughtful, be realistic—and get ahead of the problem now.

As you enter those conversations with your manager or with HR, you’ll ensure the best possible outcomes by:

Emphasizing that

By saying something like

You plan to use the arrangement responsibly.

“Of course, it’s on me to ensure that my work gets done and in a timely way.”

There will be minimal if any impact on the team and business as a result.

“Yes, there would be a change in the hours I work—but not in project ownership or in our team’s overall staffing.”

The FWA creates benefits for your boss and organization, not just for you.

“This kind of flexibility will let me continue practicing law, and let you keep a trained patent attorney at the firm long-term. It may be useful in our recruitment efforts also—other current and aspiring parents will take note.”

The details are incidental— only-if-it-really-works situation.

“I may need to make some small and on your shoulders. upgrades to my IT setup at home, but that’s on me and easy to do.”

If you sense discomfort, or get real pushback:

Tell your boss that

Using phrases like

You understand that this is an only-if-it-really-works situation.

“We could try this for two months, and if it doesn’t work, either of us could pull the plug.”

There appears to be clear precedent.

“It does feel like a big leap, yes—but several of our [colleagues in Department X, at competitor organizations, etc.] have done this successfully already, so it does appear to be possible, even within our field.”

“It is an unusual approach. But the wheels stayed on the bus when many of our colleagues had to adapt their hours/location during the pandemic, so I’m certain I could make this work.”

You’re in no rush.

“I know it’s a lot to process, and I’m not pushing for an answer today. Please take time to think it through, and then we can regroup.”

Throughout any conversation, and at every phase of the negotiation—and as hard as it may be to do so—remember to:

  • Avoid getting dramatic or shrill
  • Stay away from hostage-taking; do this for me or I quit is an option you should use only once, only at the tail end of an otherwise failed negotiation, and only if you’re prepared to follow through (e.g., to take another job offer)
  • Stay in a respectful, friendly, collaborative frame—it’s just likely to be more effective

If you don’t get what you want, or find yourself getting hot under the collar at any point, remember, you’re an employee—not an indentured servant. Your boss and your organization make their choices, and you’re free to make your own.

Making It Work, Day to Day

The gold standard of working flexibly is that nobody, including you, really notices. Maybe you’re remote and living in a different time zone, but because you’re in such regular touch with your colleagues, your physical location feels irrelevant. Or you’ve compressed your schedule, but because you’re producing as much wonderful creative work as ever, your clients are barely if at all aware of the shift. There’s no need to keep the fact that you’re working flexibly a secret, but what should be most noticeable about you is your competence, impact, and potential, not the niggling bureaucratic details of your FWA.

Used consistently, these five approaches will help you win that gold:

  • Paying ruthless attention to nuts-and-bolts operations.  If you’re working from home, that means ensuring you have 100-percent-reliable high-speed remote access and the ability to print documents in both your regular and home offices—and that you can do so just as quickly, and in high-quality color, and in the weird sizes and formats used for client presentations, and that you can set your phone so it rings straight through from your work line. If you’re job sharing, it means taking ample notes on each to-do and going above and beyond to ensure a smooth and successful weekly handoff to your job-sharing partner. And so on. Your goal is to completely eliminate all dropped balls, delays, and operational snafus that might result from your FWA.
  • Communicating proactively, continuously, and more than you think you “need” to.  Whatever flex option you settle on, it’s going to mean more time physically away, or adopting a slightly different (at least) schedule than your colleagues. Unfortunately, either of those two things can “read” as reduced effort or engagement. The way to get ahead of those incorrect impressions is by communicating, and often. If working from home, take care to send a few messages or call a few coworkers as soon as you sit down at your desk—not waiting until 10:30 a.m., when you have a question that needs answering. Provide frequent and unsolicited project updates, and circulate your meeting notes without being asked. If you’re a manager, provide praise and encouragement to your people on the days you’re off. Find small ways to send the message that you’re active, in touch, and on it.
  • Taking a flexible approach to your flexibility.  If you usually don’t work Tuesdays, but a new colleague is starting that day and you’re essential to his onboarding, think about working that day anyway (or providing a welcome package of information that he can look through and you can discuss on Wednesday morning). If a major deadline looms, be ready to work past your usual earlier stop time. Strike the balance between preserving your own flexibility and sending clear, unambiguous signals that you’re results oriented and part of the team.
  • Being honest with yourself about your output, work quality, and engagement.  If you’re working as many hours as ever on your compressed schedule, but not getting quite as much done, or if you find yourself much quieter in meetings you dial into versus those you attend in person, consider how to confront and change those things.
  • Seeing your work in terms of relationships as well as outputs.  Yes, you may be writing just as much code as before—but you also need to focus on building a good rapport with the user-interface design team and mentoring junior colleagues. It’s likely that those connections, as much as your own objective productivity, will drive your longer-term success and engagement.

On and off

An FWA may actually worsen the nagging feeling that you can never turn work, or your work self, completely off. Boundaries become increasingly blurry: working from home means tackling your to-do list in the very environment that should be your refuge, and if you’re on a three-day week, you may find yourself glued to your work phone even during that precious time with the kids. Throughout the early aughts and 2010s, we were all encouraged to look at “work/life integration” as the holy grail, but if you don’t put guardrails in place that clearly define “when I’m working” and “when I’m not,” you risk veering away from the benefits of flexibility, and onto the working-constantly path, and then to burnout, or worse. As you put your FWA in place, think about how to set your own sensible limits: how to keep work and parenting separate, or separate enough, that you can focus on, do well at, and enjoy each of them one at a time. De-integrate a little: think of setting deliberate barriers as being part of Flexibility 2.0.

That may be as basic as paying attention to your physical environment and setup. For example, create a clearly defined work space or “work signals”: you may think of yourself as being “at work” only when sitting in the blue desk chair in your home office, or when wearing shoes. Or it may involve setting firm time limits, like working on your laptop each evening but always shutting down promptly at 9:00. A small ritual may also work: try playing a certain song or repeating a consistent phrase each day as you transition from work into parenting or the reverse, as a means of effectively self-signaling that I’m done here, I can let this go temporarily, I can focus on the other. Do whatever works best for you—but do something. Don’t let increased flexibility have the reverse effect from what you want.

Sending the Right Career Signals

Whenever you reach for more flexibility—whether that’s formally, through a contracted arrangement with your employer, or informally, on a one-off, self-directed basis—you risk being easily misunderstood. Colleagues may (wrongly) perceive you as less ambitious, as “stepping off the path,” as being “on the parent track,” or as less interested in or deserving of juicy, career-making opportunities. They’re not being malicious; it’s just that without full context, or the ability to read your mind, they’re coming to the wrong conclusion.

Telling clients and customers

If you need to tell clients, customers, or any other key stakeholders outside of your chain of command about your FWA, do so in the same way you alerted them to your parental leave: directly, matter-of-factly, unapologetically, confidently, and with a solutions focus. For example:

  • “I’m not in the clinic Wednesdays, but we can book you in for an appointment any other day that week” or
  • “While I won’t see you in person—I typically don’t work on Fridays—I’ll be dialing in for the account update, and we’ll have the revised plans back to you by close of business.”

For the most part, your clients and customers are busy people, and they’re going to be much more focused on the outcomes you produce than on obsessively monitoring your physical whereabouts or keeping tabs on your total hours worked. And because many of them are working parents themselves, your flex solution may even prompt a few bonding moments (“You’ve got a toddler at home? I know what that’s like!”)—never a bad thing for deepening and cementing any professional relationship.

As at every phase of working parenthood, own your narrative. Make sure you know exactly what message you want to send to your boss, colleagues, and broader career network—and then be sure to convey it in a direct, convincing way. That might mean telling your boss: “Working four days a week has been terrific while I adjust to parenthood, but my long-term goal is still to become account manager, and over the next few years I’ll be focused on doing what it takes to get there.” Or you might say to colleagues: “Being involved with the kids’ sports teams is very important to me, and I allocate the time for it during the week, which means I’m usually picking up slack on weekends.” You may even want to include a “context statement” in your FWA contract (if you have one) or annual review: “While working flexibly, my intention is to deliver the same quality and amount of work I always have, and to continue taking on ‘stretch’ assignments as they become available.” Your story is unique, and where and when you’ll want to tell it will depend on your FWA, the culture of your organization, how common flex work is in your particular role or position, the amount of challenges or skepticism you face from your boss and colleagues, and so on. Whatever the case, be sure to put flexibility within the context of your efforts, enthusiasm, and long-term commitment.

‘‘As a manager, it’s easy to fall into the trap of ‘I don’t need it, but they do.’ I feel ownership of the team’s experience. I want this to be a place where people can work well and attend to what’s important to them, so sometimes I feel as if I should be working all the time. But that’s not the message I want to send. We’re all hardworking and passionate about what we do, and we all deserve that balance.”

—Alexis, artistic director, mother of one

Taking Stock

A few months into any new FWA, and on an every-three-months basis thereafter, you should take a good hard look at how it’s going. Be aware that virtually every organizational flex-work policy, even at the most family-friendly of organizations, contains carve-outs and exceptions allowing formal FWAs to be revoked at any time if performance slips, the demands of the job change, the organization faces headwinds, or there’s a reorganization, or simply and very disconcertingly “at manager discretion.” Just as jobs can come and go for any reason or none at all, FWAs—both formal and informal—can come and go too. And even if you are firing on all cylinders from a performance perspective in an organization that’s wildly supportive, that doesn’t mean everything’s working perfectly or that you can afford to take a “set it and forget it” approach to flex work. A regular review lets you make sure all is working well, that you’re fully aligned to expectations, and that there are no hidden issues or concerns.

What if colleagues aren’t supportive?

If you’ve gotten sharp remarks about your FWA from folks in another department, or you sense simmering resentment among your colleagues, don’t let it throw you, and don’t go marching into HR’s offices to complain just yet. Instead, take a much more direct and effective approach: go on a charm offensive (definition: “a campaign of flattery and friendliness designed to achieve the support or agreement of others”). In other words, look at those doubters and naysayers as tough customers you can sell, and win over. To do so:

  1.  Acknowledge and validate their concerns.

  • –  “It sounds as if you’re skeptical that anyone could really serve our clients while working fewer-than-typical hours.”

  2.  Mirror their cynicism a little.

  • –  “I asked myself the same thing. We both know this job isn’t for slackers.”

  3.  Bring them into your operational reality, emphasizing your personal sweat equity.

  • –  “Fortunately, I can make a 6:00 p.m. departure work by jumping back online each evening as soon as the baby’s asleep and working however long I need to.”

  4.  Speak in tough-guy terms, and refer to personal accountability.

  • –  “Here’s the bottom line: if I don’t do my part to help our team meet our goals, my career’s at risk.”
  • –  “We both know Cynthia will have my head if I don’t produce.”

  5.  Make genuine inquiries.

  • –  “That said, if you have specific concerns or think there are ways I need to be operating differently, I’m happy to hear them.”

  6.  Honor and flatter.

  • –  “If you have ideas on how I can make this work, I’d appreciate them.”
  • –  “You raised three great kids while working here full-time. There’s a lot you could teach me.”
  • –  “I talk to you because you’re one of the few people in this organization unafraid to be honest about this stuff.”

  7.  Turn the conversation back to work matters.

  • “But now let’s think through the inputs we just got from engineering

If you just don’t have the stomach for a charm offensive at this point, that’s fine. But be aware that however you do react to doubters and skeptics—whether with indignation, optimism, or silence—that reaction becomes part of your professional brand. And if you can nudge those doubters just a teensy bit further toward flex-acceptance, you may make the next working mother or father’s experience and life that much easier.

One useful tool for performing this checkup is the FWA Consideration Grid as shown in table 15-2. The grid prompts you to think both big picture and tactically about what’s working and about any needed refinements to your FWA. Crucially, it encourages you to do that thinking from both your own perspective and from your organization’s. Try filling out your personal grid following the example provided here. Be honest—this is for your own benefit, and it’s a rare FWA that doesn’t need a few tweaks over time.

Once you’ve completed the grid, debrief—quickly—with your manager. No matter how relaxed, honest, and informal your relationship is, it never hurts to show up as a thoughtful, proactive collaborator—one who’s “going the extra mile” to make the flexibility you’re using work. You may choose to share your grid (in which case, you’ll likely score some extra points for organization and diligence), or simply speak to the conclusions and issues the grid exercise highlighted. Whichever route you choose, you can initiate the conversation by saying something like, “As you know, I’ve been starting and finishing work earlier now for three months. I’m eager to ensure that the flexibility I’m using is 100 percent on a good track—for both of us. My sales numbers are steady, and I don’t see any major ‘issues’ in terms of our work or team. I would like to think ahead to what will work best in February crunch time ” Chances are this check-in is brief. Your manager may even cut you off with an “everything’s good, no worries” type response. Or you may find yourself in a longer conversation about how February will work. Either way: you’ve made sure there were no surprises looming, and positioned yourself as a responsible, can-do partner.

TABLE 15-2

The FWA Consideration Grid

Question

From my perspective

From my organization/ boss’s perspective

Needed action(s)

Am I/are we doing what was agreed?

Yes. I’ve been able to work from home 3 days per week, with certain exceptions, over the past 6 months. Several colleagues have commented that they didn’t even know I was on an FWA.

Yes. A key concern was whether or not I would make it to important client meetings if they fell on my “home days.” Since beginning the arrangement, I’ve made it to every single sales pitch—regardless of my preferred schedule.

Discuss plan for February, when most of the team will be doing client check-ins.

Is this arrangement working?

Yes, in that I’m getting the flexibility to spend more wonderful time with my daughter. No, in that I’m often working additional hours.

Yes. The FWA hasn’t changed my performance ranking or sales numbers. The organization is getting my best work.

None.

Are there any additional, unexpected, or downstream effects of this arrangement that we need to address or manage?

A few team members have made offhand comments about my “part-time” schedule (even though I’m working full-time).

Several staff members who aren’t eligible for flexible work given their job types have heard about my arrangement, and asked their own managers if they can work from home, too.

•  Make certain that on my at-home days, I am communicating actively and early on in the day with skeptical colleagues—and otherwise going “above and beyond” to signal my true commitment and engagement.

•  Alert HR that we have gotten several questions on this.

What’s the outlook for this arrangement over the next 6 to 12 months?

Over the next 3 months, fine. When the baby starts walking, I will need to revisit the feasibility of working from my home office/small apartment.

If there’s any attrition on the team after year’s end, we may have to reallocate responsibilities and workload.

Revisit in December. Consider what an alternative flexibility plan could look like if I needed to cover more accounts.

The Entitlement Trap, and how to steer clear of it

Never take flexibility for granted, or in any way convey that you do. Almost nothing will annoy and alienate your manager and coworkers as quickly and certainly as telegraphing, however inadvertently or subtly, that you see the flexibility you’re being extended as a given. The moment you’re perceived as acting or feeling entitled, your FWA effectively boomerangs on you: instead of being a benefit, it puts a dent in your relationships, reputation, and career.

To keep yourself well clear of landing in the Entitlement Trap, avoid:

  • Using language that implies any sense that “I’ve got this coming.” When discussing flex work, never use words like owed, deserve, fairness, rights, or due.
  • Discussing yourself, or working parents in general, as deserving of special privileges. (Remember, your childless coworker who’s struggling to care for an aging relative has just as much need for flexibility as you do.)
  • Visibly “scorekeeping” your hours worked or your work-from-home days. OK, maybe you did come in for an important meeting when you otherwise would have worked remotely. Bummer. But making a stink about it will only come across as petty.
  • Expecting colleagues to go to great lengths to accommodate your schedule—for example, by holding certain meetings only on days you plan to work. It’s on you, not your colleagues, to find feasible work-arounds.
  • Referring to your ongoing, uphill battle to find work/life balance, despite your preferential arrangement.
  • Visibly tying your work status (title, years at the organization, educational attainment, etc.) to flexibility: e.g., saying anything like, “Well of course as a manager, I can decide where and when I work.”
  • Neglecting to talk with your colleagues about their own families and personal responsibilities. Having young kids is a lot of work—but whether parents or not, and whether using FWAs or not, your coworkers are all facing significant life pressures themselves.

Adapting during the toddler years and beyond

No matter how well your flexible arrangement worked throughout Year One, it may result in some rough sledding when your child becomes a toddler, and then a more vocal, with-it child. Working from home is a completely different game with a mobile, opinionated three-year-old around than it is with a small baby. And if you’re on a reduced schedule, you’re likely to get a lot of challenging questions as to why you have to go to work today even though you didn’t yesterday. Don’t waste too much time trying to explain the nuances and rules of your FWA to your small child—it just won’t resonate. Instead, think about reaching for some new techniques.

If working remotely:

  • Pretend you’re leaving for work: dress as usual, grab your work bag, kiss your toddler goodbye—and then sneak back in through the garage door and up the back stairs to your home office. You’ll be able to get good work done, and still avoid the commute.
  • Have a clear, visible signal—like a large red stop sign you can hang on your office door—signaling when it’s OK for your child to come in and when Daddy needs privacy and quiet.
  • Make a date: your little one may not be as tempted to burst in on you or demand attention if she knows you’ll have lunch together, or go to the park right after.
  • Consider working someplace close to, instead of actually inside, your home: the local library, a neighbor’s apartment, the coffee shop, a shared work space nearby.

If working reduced or compressed hours, set aside a few minutes each morning and evening to talk about the day’s schedule and preview what’s happening tomorrow. When your toddler knows that Today Daddy works late, but tomorrow he’s at home, she’s less likely to be upset and confused when you head out the door. To create even more clarity, consider using the “visible schedule” trick we covered in chapter 5.

As you go through these years of rapid change, don’t be afraid to reconsider your flexibility arrangement in its totality, and to make any needed adjustments. Maybe remote working was a godsend during that first year of parenthood—but perhaps a Split Day schedule would serve you much better now. As your family and career change and develop, your approach to flexibility will likely need to change too.

Becoming a Builder

It’s easy to get lulled into thinking that flexibility is passive, or magic—or that it rides on plain old luck. You may see it as something structurally impossible in your particular environment, or that your boss or organization gives to you, if you’re fortunate, or that you could attain only by developing special insights or superpowers that would let you work differently than you do now. Or it may feel like an elite club, or university: gain admission to Flex-World, life will be great, and you’ll be enjoying its special privileges forever. And of course there are some tiny truths there—if you do have a supportive boss, for example, then yes, absolutely and objectively: you’re lucky.

Never let your thinking about flexibility turn into longing, or see yourself as a passive flexibility grantee instead of a flexibility builder. Reflect back on all of the initially daunting workparent challenges you’ve surmounted on your own steam thus far. Just as you put together your best possible parental leave; constructed your biggest possible Village; assembled a strong, supportive circle of workparent mentors; and put a good care arrangement in place, you’re going to take an active, carpenter-like role here too. You can’t and won’t get every bit of choice and leeway you want—you’re in much too demanding a job and life for that. But using your own self-knowledge, pragmatism, creativity, and hard work, you’re going to hammer together the very best flex structure you can.

Mark’s story

‘‘When our first daughter was born we lived very close to the city, but even my usual fifteen-minute drive to the office could sometimes take an hour. In a career driven by time and efficiency, that didn’t make any sense, and it left me and my wife with only about ten minutes of human conversation together each evening. During those first few months of parenthood, we would take walks around the neighborhood together, pushing the stroller, thinking: ‘Is this it?’ We loved the town where we went to college, and had always said we’d move there after retirement. We said, ‘Why not now?’ I knew I could do my job remotely—but I wasn’t sure how to ask.

I went to see one of my mentors, the guy who had given me my first appellate argument. He’s the father of four, and had worked from home one day a week back in the 1980s, before remote work was a thing. His advice was, ‘The firm isn’t in the business of making people happy. They won’t agree unless you really push.’ I was still early in my career but I was about to argue my first Supreme Court case, so I had the confidence and naivete to tell my then-bosses, ‘This is what I want to do.’ They eventually agreed, but only after I had an offer in hand from a competing firm. We sold our house, figuring we would live on the little bit of money we got from the sale when I got fired, which we assumed I would, and we made the move—about two hours away.

At the beginning, I kept going to the office one day a week, getting up at 4:00 a.m. so I could drive in, work a regular day, and be home late in the evening. Now, I go in when I need to—but I’ve made a big, deliberate, ongoing effort to make things work in a friction-free way both for me and for my colleagues. My home office is away from the living areas, I’m in there from 8:00 a.m. till 6:00 p.m., and the kids know not to bother Dad when I’m working. When one of my clients, or other people at the firm, wants to speak with me, that’s when we speak. In a lot of our family-vacation pictures, I’m on the phone with the office. I’ve tried to be even more available than normal—to overcompensate.

I’ve held on to this arrangement through two job moves, and I can honestly say that I’ve never heard anyone make a single negative comment. I’ve worked with clients for years without them even knowing I’m not sitting at a desk in the city. And I’ve had so much more family time than I would have otherwise.

It’s been fifteen years.”

—Mark, appellate lawyer, father of three

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