Before You Go: Planning and Prep

Getting ready to be away from home for a longer-than-usual stretch typically involves a whole lot of logistics—and some delicate, deep emotions. Here’s how, practically and personally, to get ready for departure.

Creating counterweights

As you glance over table 16-1 you may find yourself pausing at one particular section: the column labeled “Counterweights.” By definition, a counterweight is a balancing force, a stabilizer. It helps compensate for the effect of something pulling in the opposite direction. When you’re a workparent and away from home, a counterweight is something that helps offset the impact of your absence—that lets the kids feel just a little more comfortable about Mom or Dad being gone for longer than usual. You may choose to use events, activities, or locations as your counterweights, although most often, the offsetting forces you’ll be turning to are real live people—family members or other Villagers. Whatever or whoever you settle on, that resource blunts the impact of your being away by providing your child with extra comfort, pleasure, or distraction.

TABLE 16-1 Sample Workparent Away Planner
•  Travel: Flight and hotel information in Google Calendar. •  Communications Daily video chat over breakfast. Will try to call at bedtime. •  Money: Household cash is on the piano. Sitter has debit card I gave her. •  Food: Extra leftovers in freezer. Household cash will cover if need to order in. •  Village alerted? Yes—emailed with homeroom teacher. Neighbors know that Phoebe’s car will be in the drive. •  Emergency backups: Third Parent is aware I’m away and is willing to pitch in as needed.
Day		Core caregiver		Additional caregiver(s)		Drop-off plan		Pickup plan		Evening routine		Other to-dos		Special concerns		My availability		Counterweights
1		Partner		Aunt Phoebe		School bus		School bus		Partner		Show-and-tell: needs to bring special object to present to class		Be sure to ask him how show-and-tell went		Will be on the plane; will call when I land around 6:00 p.m.		Homeroom teacher
2		Partner		Aunt Phoebe		School bus		School bus		Partner		None		Will need extra help to finish math worksheet		Tied up in meetings, will call morning and evening
3		Aunt Phoebe		None		School bus		Aunt Phoebe		Partner		Math worksheets due—make sure these are in the backpack		Let Phoebe know household money is on the piano		Doing the client site visit; may be very difficult to reach during the day—if you need me, text		Pizza night with Aunt Phoebe
4		Partner		Weekend sitter will work this day until Partner gets home		School bus		Soccer practice; van will drop at home		Aunt Phoebe		Soccer—needs to bring his shin guards and cleats, and don’t forget the inhaler!		Pep talk needed; they lost last week’s game
5		Partner				Carpool		Playdate; I will pick up if flight lands on time		Family dinner		None		Ask friend’s parents if he can stay for dinner if my flight is late		Traveling		Playdate with Jeremy

‘‘I travel a hundred days a year for this job. But when I’m home, I work from home quite a bit, and we sit down for dinner every night and breakfast every morning—I’m not rushing toward work. And this firm lets you acknowledge family life, as part of its culture. Whenever I’ve had to cancel an important meeting because of a family emergency, the first two questions I get are, ‘Are you OK?’ and ‘What can I do?’ It’s a lot of time away from home, but there’s also a lot of advantages.”

—Karen, macro trends expert, mother of two

To take a specific example: let’s say you’re short-staffed at work, it’s busy season, and you know you’ll be working around the clock this week. Your three-year-old son is extremely apprehensive about your being gone quite so much. Realistically, this won’t be his—or, likely, your—happiest several days, but you cleverly think ahead and settle on two effective counterweights: first, a trip to the duck pond near your house, and second, his daycare provider. The duck-pond outing, which a neighbor has kindly agreed to take him on, is something you know he’ll look forward to and relish, and those extra hugs and attention from a savvy, trusted caregiver will help him feel better throughout the day. You haven’t, and can’t, completely cure his feelings of sadness at your absence, but—by arranging a brief excursion and by politely asking a caregiver for a bit of extra support—you’ve helped ease it.

Note that a counterweight doesn’t have to involve any kind of special treat, lavish gift, or rule-breaking, but something simple, that helps stoke positive emotion, and that makes your time away feel a little shorter than it otherwise would. Think what might work as effective counterweights for your child, and see if you can plan one or two out before leaving. Of course, you can always be one of your own counterweights by blocking out special time together for when you return. That shift won’t seem so long if your child knows that there’s an entire Saturday with Mom, or a trip to the zoo, at the end of it.

Not if but when

You may never be able to exert complete control over how much and how often you’re away because of work—but you can do your best to influence when.

At the beginning of each year or major work cycle, note which days and weeks are particularly important for you to be closer to, or just more available at, home. Include celebrations, such as the kids’ birthdays; transitions, such as the start and end of the school year; and important events, such as family gatherings, the kids’ special performances and games, or periods of cultural or religious significance for your family. Give the list a rough prioritization: maybe you’d love to be at your son’s first clarinet performance, but it’s essential for the family to be together on Greek Easter, for example.

Then start gently advocating—and defending. If your work calendar is accessible to other colleagues, block out the key no-fly dates with a polite note that “my daughter starts first grade this week; please consult me before scheduling.” Tell your boss that you’re happy to work late and take on the client two time zones away—but you would appreciate staying put on the week of May 5th. Or find a colleague with different personal obligations than yours and agree to cover weekends or work overtime on a mutually beneficial, alternating basis. In other words, plan ahead and ask for what you want.

While You’re Gone: Specific and Powerful Ways to Stay, and Feel, in Touch

You miss the kids, and they miss you. To compensate, and to close that physical and emotional gap, your go-to tool will likely be the phone or video chat: you’ll be tempted to call home several times a day to connect and to see how things are going. Sure, you want to hear the kids, and check in with their caregivers—but you also want to feel present, and more parent-ish, and all-around better about the situation yourself.

Those calls may not go very well, though, or provide either you or the kids much comfort or reassurance. Small children aren’t able to engage in adult-style conversations, or to narrate their daily experiences, and older ones may be perfectly capable of doing so but just not want to. Ask a four-year-old or a fourteen-year-old, “How are you?” or “How was school?” particularly over the phone, and you may get a monosyllabic answer or silence. And of course, if your child is still a baby or young toddler, it’s even harder to connect by calling. So what will keep you feeling bonded and closer-by when the demands of your job keep you apart?

• Tangible reminders.  Make sure that there are small physical reminders of you, and of you and your child together, throughout the house. Display pictures of the two of you where your child can see them, and leave books you like to read together or games you enjoy playing together out within easy reach. If your child is very small, think about giving him one of your belongings as a “comfort object”: that favorite T-shirt Dad always wears can make an excellent blankie for a little one to use at naptime. That trick goes both ways: when you’re away from home, it can be oddly reassuring to know that you’ve got one of your son’s dinosaur socks in your work bag. In other words: allow yourselves to feel the other’s physical presence, even when you’re away.
• Keeping up with your regular routines.  If your bedtime ritual is “song plus story,” keep singing and reading, and at the same time of day. Bring one of your child’s favorite books along with you and read it over a video call, turning the pages, doing the funny voices, and showing the pictures as you go, and then sing the same song you normally would. Even if you have to read that story during the middle of the night because you’re in a different time zone, or have to do so in the middle of the break room during lunch, maintain as much consistency as you can.
• Playing a game, or doing another activity, together.  Before you leave, hide a few “I love you” notes or small gifts (a yo-yo, a small piece of candy) around the house, and during each call home provide a new clue that lets your child find one. Or start a game of online chess with your teenager, or have a Ridiculous Faces contest with your middle-schooler via photo message. Whatever the gag is, and no matter how small or silly, it will let you keep interacting with your child.
• “Talking” via recorded video.  In addition to live/interactive phone calls, record yourself talking to your kids (or singing, or waving, or doing a tour of your hotel room, or showing the scene outside the taxi window, etc.), and then send the clip to them or to their caregiver. Unlike with live, real-time video, they can watch (and rewatch) at their leisure, with zero pressure to immediately respond—and then watch again, if they want to, or send you a message back.
• Sharing where you are and what you’re up to.  When you’re away, your children may feel as if you’ve fallen into a mysterious hole. You’re gone, and they likely have no idea of why, or what you’re doing. And unfortunately “we’re short-staffed” or “I’m in Birmingham for a meeting” won’t resonate with your nine-year-old. So help your children understand a bit better: have their caregiver show them where you are on a map, or send a photo of yourself in the conference room surrounded by papers as you prepare for the big meeting. Provide a window and insight onto what you’re doing.
• Following the “when we see x, then y” technique.  Have an agreement with your son that today, every time either of you sees someone wearing the color green (or chewing gum, or driving a convertible, etc.), you’ll think of the other, and send an imaginary hug or high five. Even when you’re not there, you can still stoke positive emotion.
• Eating together.  As we explore in chapter 18, “Food and Mealtimes,” many of the most powerful connective moments you’re likely ever to have with your children are over a meal. So continue having the occasional meal together, even while you’re away: prop the iPad in front of you while you’re having a quick breakfast at the hotel coffee shop and they’re eating their cereal at home. It’s just a normal morning together—even if you’re five hundred miles away.
• Sending a postcard.  In today’s world, actual, personalized, hard-copy mail has a retro, novelty appeal, and children love receiving it. Keep stamps in your wallet, ready to go, grab a handful of postcards, and drop the kids a message on each day you’re gone—even if in the same city. The metamessage: I’m thinking of you constantly.
• Emailing.  Open an email address in your child’s name—even if she’s years away from being able to use a computer—and, every time you think of her, miss her, or see something interesting or unusual while you’re away, shoot her a note: “I just got to my hotel. Here’s a photo of the view from my window, and I miss you and love you,” or “I’m working the overnight shift tonight, honey, and sending you a big hug.” That email account may not be opened, or read, for years, but when it is, your child will have ample proof of your feelings and commitment. In the meantime, you’ll feel more emotionally connected.

Whatever connection strategies you choose to use, take great care to keep your messages and overall tone warm, upbeat, and light. If you’re jetlagged, or annoyed at working the double shift because somebody else called out sick, fine—but use your video to make a little joke of it, laughingly pointing out the dark circles under Daddy’s eyes instead of moaning that you’ve gone twenty-two hours without sleep. In the videoconference dinner you’re doing from the break room during busy season—when you’re feeling ground down and running behind—don’t talk about your workload. Ask how the kids’ macaroni and cheese is. Keep your connections positive.

Upon Return, and After: Making Your Homecoming Calmer and More Satisfying—for Everyone

You’ve just finished the marathon work session and arrived back home. The hard part is over now, right?

Well, not quite. Changes in routine are tough on you as an adult and professional, but they’re much more difficult for children—even when those changes, like your return home, are good ones. As you walk back through your front door, your children may greet you with the squeals of joy, full attention, and hugs you’re hoping for—or with confusion, hot-and-cold behavior, demands, hostile questions, a tantrum, or apparent indifference, and from your side any of those responses may feel crushing. Yet a difficult return isn’t inevitable: just as you paid attention to the small-scale mechanics and to the emotional impact of your departure and time away, you can do the same now on the way back in, using a few specific maneuvers to make your homecoming a smoother, more natural-feeling, and happier experience for everyone.

• Preannounce your entry.  While bursting through the front door with little warning and proclaiming that “Daddy’s home!” or “Mom’s back!” may feel wonderful to you, it probably won’t to the kids. What you intend as a positive surprise may create unintended pressure on older children to respond in a certain way (be thrilled to see me, right this minute!), and it may startle or even frighten little ones. Call en route home and let your children—or whoever’s taking care of them—know that you’ll be there shortly. That advance notice offers them the chance to get into a good mindset about your return. If you’ll be arriving home after the kids are asleep, get ahead of that, also: tell your six-year-old that you won’t see her tonight, but that when she wakes up tomorrow morning she should come jump into bed with you, or that you’ll eat breakfast together. In other words: keep your actual, specific point of reentry into the family sphere as gentle and as “no surprises” as possible.
• Talk positively.  OK, maybe the meeting didn’t go so well, the project is off the rails, you’re exhausted, the train was late, traffic terrible, the extra hours a waste of your time. So life goes—but your kids can’t solve those problems, and those problems aren’t what they should be focused on when they haven’t seen you for the past three days. A simple “I’m so glad to be home now and to see you” sets a much better tone, and allows better connection.
• Don’t force interaction; let them come to you.  Because you’ve missed the kids like crazy, it’s natural to want to race toward them, lavishing them with hugs and expecting their undivided attention. But they may have settled into a routine while you were away, or for the moment their attention may be glued to another person or activity. Maybe your son worked hard all afternoon on that Lego tower, and doesn’t want to turn away from it right now, or your teen is still upset over a loss on the sports field. That’s not any kind of feedback, or lack of excitement that you’re home—they’re just in a particular groove. Try sliding into their activities, joining them in what they’re doing and experiencing. Admire the tower and ask how he got the big yellow piece to balance on the top—rather than making yourself the main event.
• Tie up loose ends in private.  You likely still have a few lingering details to take care of: the update email has to be sent to your boss, your hours logged in the billing system, the team thanked for their hard work, the schedule checked for your next shift. But avoid immediately going into get-it-done mode, sitting down in your home office, or typing on your smartphone screen in front of the kids. Yes, it will feel terrific to close out those annoying, lingering items on your to-do list, but it sends a powerful—if unintentional—message that you’re not fully there. Finish up what you need to quickly and behind closed doors, or after the kids have gone to bed.
• Reestablish routines.  No matter how long you’ve been away, try to get straight back into regular, predictable patterns, both in terms of home and work. Your departure was, at some level, a disruption, and going back to your regular schedule and habits spells a return to normalcy. So sit down to dinner when you usually do, review your eight-year-old’s homework, take the dog for his evening walk. Spend some extra time with the kids if you can—do the school run even if it means going into work half an hour later than usual, for example—but don’t try to overcorrect for your absence by hovering, demanding long stretches of one-to-one time, or otherwise throwing the typical family schedule and the kids’ expectations even further out of whack. As much as you can, give your kids the gift of predictability.