3
Getting in Gear
Think about your first car. Some of you can close your eyes and envision when your eyes first gazed upon it. You were entranced, as you longed to be able to drive like an adult. It is amusing to hear how adults describe their first vehicle, especially if it had unique qualities. Even if the car was a junker, there were certain things that stood out to you.
Remembering your first car is one thing; remembering how you first drove that vehicle is a completely different memory. Some of you started with a vehicle with a manual stick shift. Do you remember what those first few drives were like? The grinding gears and jerky ride as you tried hard to manage the clutch and accelerator while attempting to stay on the road. If you don't remember, I am sure those who rode with you do.
Driving is difficult, with all of the inputs and decisions that need to be made. The same goes with leadership. Communicating a vision, managing people, dealing with issues, all as you try to stay focused on your own personal tasks and goals can be quite difficult. Leading well is similar to driving well. Over time you get in a rhythm if you observe and practice, but those first few years can be tense to say the least.
My first car was a 1972 Alfa Romeo GT2000. It was a sleek, candy-apple red, two-door, five-speed beauty. As a 16-year-old living in a small city in central Oklahoma, it felt as James Bond-ish as any car could. The windshield wipers alternated toward one another and the smooth lines along the small car gave it a very distinct, European feel. The crown jewel of my beautiful new, old car, however, was the elegant wood. The steering wheel was made from a distinguished walnut wood, as was the manual gearshift handle.
As a new driver who was getting acclimated to a manual transmission, that poor car had to deal with my grinding gears and timid use of the clutch. I had to practice shifting, learning to listen to the engine to know when to shift, and then practicing a smooth transition from one gear to the next.
As I became a bit more confident in my driving skills, I remember trying to start driving straight out of second gear while avoiding first gear altogether. Starting in first just took too long and I had places to go, people to see, things to do. I thought I could just skip a gear and get to fourth or fifth gear as fast as possible. That was a mistake. It didn't take long before I learned what such impatience did to the engine, not to mention my plummeting gas mileage, and the lurching effect it caused.
Twenty-plus years later I found myself living in the English countryside, staring at a right-sided steering wheel and a left-handed manual stick shift in our first rental car. Learning to drive on what the English call the correct side of the road is one thing. But adding a left-handed gear shift to the equation made driving on the opposite side of the road even more challenging, given how intently I had to focus on shifting as we drove on the tiny lanes of London. I would sum up the experience with the following words: Grinding gears, close calls, lurching motions, and terror—I mean, excitement.
There are parallels with shifting gears in a car and the rhythms and routines of our lives: There is a right order and a right time for each gear. Conversely, there is also a wrong gear and a wrong time. People who figure this out tend to drive smoothly and effectively. People who don't shift well tend to cause damage to all those around them—people and vehicles.
There is a right time and a right place for each gear.
1st gear is meant to lead to 2nd and so forth. Each gear has a purpose, and if you understand the purpose and apply this driving analogy to the way you “drive” your life, aligning the right gear with the right speed and situation of your day will allow you to have a smooth journey. Conversely, if you choose to skip a gear, as in my example, then you may rev to screaming levels and cause the engine of your life all sorts of problems.
The 5 Gears is a metaphor centered on an everyday, manual transmission vehicle or stick shift. Most European cars have a manual gearbox, while most American vehicles have an automatic transmission. In both cases there are gears that start in 1st gear and shift through until you reach 5th gear (unless you drive a very expensive car that adds a 6th gear). Reverse is also a gear, which could make up a 6th or 7th gear depending on the car, but for simplicity we will use 5 Gears as the overall theme of the metaphor.
With our metaphor, each gear represents a different mode of connecting through living, leading, working, and resting. We will define each one and give concrete examples throughout to help make this a practical system for connectivity, work–life balance, and to improve emotional intelligence.
To start, let's look at the gear order as you see it in Figure 3.1. 1st gear leads to 2nd, which leads to 3rd, and so on. The same thinking applies to our metaphor: To lead yourself well and connect appropriately in your relationships, your day needs to begin in 1st gear, after which you shift up into other gears. You can go from 1st gear to 5th in life, but it is not recommended and the consequences can be damaging, just like with your car. You can also go from 3rd gear to reverse, but just because you can, does not mean you should, considering cause and downstream effect. The best drivers understand when to shift and when not to. The same is true with the best leaders. They understand the gears.
- 1st gear represents being fully recharged.
- 2nd gear represents connecting with family, friends, or colleagues.
- 3rd gear is the social gear.
- 4th gear is the task gear that allows us to work hard while also multitasking.
- 5th gear is focus mode that allows us to “get in the zone” without interruption.
- Reverse is the responsive gear. It is used when we need to back up and start again or apologize.
Figure 3.1 5 Gears
Each gear has its own purpose and place. Once you learn to use the gears consistently with those in your life, you will notice the common language that begins to form, enabling objectivity to characterize your conversation instead of the subjective judgment or condescension that becomes pervasive when each person is speaking a different “language.” With the gears, you will also be able to incorporate some shorthand sign language to describe what gear you are in with a hand signal, which makes conversations more efficient and effective among people who share the same language.
Without further ado, here are the 5 Gears in a visual form to give you detail and context (Figure 3.2). Many people hang this tool up in their break rooms at work or on their refrigerator at home.
Figure 3.2 The 5 Gears Tool
Each one of you has a personal gearbox, 5 Gears, plus reverse, at your disposal to use in your daily life. Some of you already intuitively shift up and down into the right gears with ease, similar to having driven a car for many years, where you no longer have to think about the individual mechanics of going from point A to point B. You are not analyzing your shifting; you just do it.
Others of you are less than competent with regard to the way you are driving your life: You have not been aware that you may be breaking social etiquette or missing relational cues at work or at home. If you are experiencing frustration in any of your relationships, this is a clue as to what category you are currently in. Learning these gears is the key to helping you connect with people in the right way and to eliminate socially awkward situations, and even begin to repair damaged relationships. If you understand how to drive your life with these gears, you will unlock depths of connection and influence in your relationships that you never knew existed.
It took me a few years to master the art of driving a five-speed, eventually shifting the stick shift with ease and grace. It has taken me much longer to learn how to shift the actual relational gears in my life and become consistent. And the progress I have made has not come without constant practice and intentionality in matching my gear to the context of the situation.
In our culture most adults suffer from one or two of three connectivity problems:
- They rarely understand which gear they are operating in at any given moment.
- They rarely know what gear the other people in their life are operating in.
- They rarely take the time to practice shifting and operating in each gear.
This combined lack of awareness and practice explains why we have so many people suffering from the realities of workaholism, social awkwardness, rude commentary, and a rash of disconnection within families, spousal relationships, boards, and teams. Imagine how many marriages have crumbled simply because two people have not learned how to shift gears or consistently remain emotionally connected. Think about how many employees are fired because they haven't learned the basics of emotional intelligence and shifting through the 5 Gears.
The life of the disconnected person is frustrating for both the individual as well as those around them.
Healthy and Unhealthy Gears
Each gear in the 5 Gears metaphor has both a healthy and an unhealthy side. Some of us are good at using the gears, while others will tend to abuse them. You might have heard the words of people who have failed to learn how to shift well:
- “I don't understand how they misinterpreted my words. I told them I was….”
- “My wife should know this is a busy season. I have told her how important my work is right now.”
- “They don't seem to get me. It is so frustrating.”
- “I work hard and play hard. I do put in the hours to be able to serve my family. They understand that I have to work long hours to maintain that.”
- “I already know what you are going to say. I don't need to be looking at you to hear you.”
The life of the disconnected person is frustrating for both the individual as well as those around them. So you might be wondering: can breakdowns in social dynamics and relational connections be healed through the common language of the 5 Gears? Fortunately, the answer is yes, and here's why: Healthy use of each gear leads to productivity in work, deeper relationships with those we care about, and effective personal recharge within the context of your natural wiring. Unhealthy use of the gears, however, will ultimately cause disconnection in most areas of life—work, home, friendships, and so on.
At the end of each gear chapter we will add a healthy and unhealthy gear application so that you can apply this into your life immediately as you grow to become a leader worth following and implement this language into your culture.
Using Language to Connect
Language can connect people together and it can tear people apart. We know this from being taught as children by parents not to say anything if we cannot be kind, right? The language of 5 Gears can help deliver messages in situations where frustration or distortion is imminent in a way that does not harm others. For instance, if a group of employees is stuck in social mode at work you could use words like, “Let's go! You all are always the last ones, aren't you? We are not running a day care here…” Or, if your team speaks 5 Gears, you could hold up a number 4 followed by a simple, “Hey, guys…” to the group with a chuckle as your shorthand way to help people shift up from 3rd to 4th gear in the office. Language has the power to heal or kill. When used properly, it can guide people in helping themselves and others.
Here is how L.V. Hanson, a director at a company called Har-Bro, in Southern California, explains the 5 Gears in his world:
The 5 Gears tool has become a game changer for our team. Albert Einstein once said, “If you can't explain it to a six-year-old, you don't understand it yourself.” The beauty of genius is its simplicity, and 5 Gears is genius…because it's simple. In the art of restoring a leadership language, 5 Gears provides language that transfers simply, quickly, and relationally…and invites solution to potential awkward or conflict-oriented moments. I have a colleague that will laugh and ask me to shift to 3rd gear when we are at lunch and I'm going on and on about a problem at work that I'm trying to solve. Rather than tell me “shut up” or “gosh, can you just leave work at work,” this friend asks me if I will shift to 3rd gear—a question that moves through potential conflict by acknowledging where I am and where I need to be through one simple, invitational question. He acknowledges that what I'm dealing with is legitimate and important, but that it is a question most appropriately asked in 4th gear, and rather than criticize me for staying in the wrong gear, he invites me into 3rd gear…into relationship…which is actually what I need most in that moment of stress and frustration. I never solve problems well when I'm doing it in stress.
Words matter. Language is shaped on everyone's understanding of what the words mean. When we work to define the words and practice using the vocabulary, then we have a better chance of building a significant culture and move more fervently than getting stuck in drama or insecurity.
A songwriter friend of mine, Don Chaffer, teaches that the power of writing songs is in the combination of concrete and abstract language. He claims that the best songs are a mix of both abstract and concrete words.
The same holds true with the language we use when leading, directing, or communicating with others. To tell someone they need to “improve their leadership” is acceptable as an introductory statement, but is abstract in form. It should always be followed by concrete examples and specific language about how the person can improve their leadership.
This is an example of concrete language: “I want you to learn to challenge your team more consistently; you seem to be having trouble holding them accountable for the agreed upon goals,” or “at times you get overly emotional in your interactions with this group and are losing your influence as a result.” Whatever the leadership issue may be, using abstract language as your primary means of communicating can drive people to cynicism over time and cause them to doubt the effectiveness of your leadership.
Analyze your words. Are you using both abstract and concrete words to communicate your message? Or are you only using the abstract? Language directs people. Language sets a tone. If you want to connect more effectively with others, then watch your language.
The beauty of the 5 Gears is that it provides an objective, concrete language to help people more effectively calibrate their connectivity. Integrating this language into everyday life can help dramatically improve the emotional intelligence of everyone with whom you interact, regardless of age or relationship.
Imagine how nimble and drama free your workplace could be with the simple addition of a precise, common language. A language whose clear objectivity eliminated the subjective ambiguity of the words and concepts that too often give rise to misunderstanding and conflict.
Pat Donovan, an engineer from Florida, has taken this metaphor even further:
Tonight after getting home from work, I was working with my sixth-grade daughter Mia Grace on a school project. During a break we discussed our respective days and I mentioned that one of my highlights was discussing the 5 Gears at our GiANT core group training. I ended up pulling up the 5 Gears graphic and reviewing it with her. She immediately grasped the concept and remarked, “Dad, that's just like in our band class. Some kids really want to learn and are in 5th gear but others are always talking, which is more like 3rd gear. Others want to learn but get distracted by the talkers, which seems like 4th gear.” We talked a little about how hard it must be for the band director to try and keep all these different groups focused on the same goal. It was fun and rewarding for the two of us to connect over discussing this concept and share the same language.
Pat goes on to share:
As someone who still drives a car with a standard transmission, I know that it is important to have the car in the right gear for the given driving circumstance or situation. Being in the right gear is event-specific and the car will keep running when you match the gear to the circumstance. There are times driving a car when the circumstances change and you need to downshift to a lower gear. Climbing a hill is a perfect example. The point is to keep the gear selection matched to the circumstance. As long as you do that the car will keep running. Where you get into trouble is when the car is in the wrong gear for the circumstance. Whether it's too high or too low, being in the wrong gear is what will cause damage.
In applying this analogy to work or life, I think these basic concepts are valid; however, the difference is that there is a cumulative effect on the “car” (person) based on the journey. The gears also seem to relate to energy or effort expended and the ups and downs of the journey require a cumulative or total amount of energy to get to the destination efficiently. As such, in life/work, it is important to keep a balance between the gears shifting to ensure you actually get to where you are trying to go. Even though some cars/people might have higher capacity “engines,” you still need some kind of gear balance over time to make sure you get there and don't crash.
I love hearing our clients and friends from around the globe share their realities. Pat has truly applied the concept in his everyday world, as well as applying it at home. The same can happen with you. This next section highlights how the 5 Gears can not only add value, but also keep you from the pains of disconnections.
How the 5 Gears Saved an iPhone and Improved a Marriage
Keeping in balance is so difficult in this period of history. Technological advances, social media, entertainment, work, family, and personal time are hard to manage and do well.
Could the 5 Gears actually make technology, entertainment, and social connectivity fit more smoothly in your life? Is it possible to use the 5 Gears to restore relationships and emotional intelligence as you learn to connect with real people in a real way? To both we say yes.
Ryan Underwood, CEO of TRI Leadership Resources, shares how the 5 Gears has worked and is working for him.
As a creative introvert, my 1st gear is spent recharging with my apps, learning, and acquiring knowledge. I have over 700 apps and for every percent of battery I use on my phone, I feel like it personally charges me up. So, when I need to recharge and chill, I do it best with my iPad or iPhone. With technology being so convenient, if there is any momentary pause in the family action, it's easy to whip out my phone and access anything I want and then return to the family action quickly. At least, that's my rationale.
However, my extroverted bride doesn't see it this way. She doesn't see my iPhone as a recharge, but rather as a disrupter, interrupter, and device of rudeness to her, our friends, the girls, and so on. Steve Jobs' beloved device was at one point renamed from the iPhone to the Damn Phone in her vocabulary because of its power over me. It was seen as a black hole to her, where my time, energy, and attention became absorbed and her husband taken away.
Needless to say we had an issue. I dig my data as it helps make me…me, and she was growing frustrated at the mere sight of my iPhone. To her it seemed that I'd rather be on my phone than be present and available for her, family, and so on. As you can imagine, we were at a standoff.
That is when we found the 5 Gears, just in time…and it saved my iPhone and more importantly improved our marriage (and is setting a better example for our girls who I know will one day be all plugged in and too busy on their phones for Mom and Dad). We both know the language, vocabulary, and what the gears mean. So, now instead of threatening to break the phone, she kindly asks, “What gear are we in?” I receive that question so much better and she gets the response that she wants, which is me saying “2nd gear” and then putting the phone away. No drama or intense marital conversation. We both shift into 2nd gear—present for each other.
Marriage and iPhone rescued!
That is the secret of the 5 Gears. It is a clear concept that uses objective language and practical signals to help us become more present—to be in the right gear at the right time in the right way.
As we extend the metaphor, I think you'll find the gears concept solidifying in your vocabulary. We will continue to expand this vocabulary. We will discuss more about reverse, being in neutral, and how to transition into the right gears at work, home, and in our personal lives as we become healthy and mature leaders and people.