Why Is It So Hard to Get to 2nd Gear?

You heard my opening story of being disconnected from my wife and kids. What is your story? How many of you have a hard time shifting out of task mode or focus mode? How hard is it to put your phone down and become present with the people around you? No matter what your role is, be it CEO, executive, entrepreneur, dad, mom, or employee, we all struggle to shift into 2nd gear.

One father I talked to shared how he gets easily distracted when coming home at night. He said, “I get frustrated with myself because I'm always pulled into the news or the weather or an app or an iPad game of solitaire.” He went on to share, “I am always doing something or looking online and I know that my kids have stopped reaching out knowing I am not available. I know it, but I don't know how to get out of it.”

This guy got real with me, sharing his concerns, and you could feel the tension mounting as he described his reality. He went on to share with me how he feels like he is losing his children, but cannot seem to figure out how to not be pulled into time-wasting entertainment. This man knows what he is doing is frivolous, but doesn't know how to start connecting. In situations like these, we have to get back to basics, and awareness of the problem is the first step toward breaking old habits.

Learning to Connect

It has to start somewhere. In the same way that there is a logical flow into 3rd gear, there is a clear path to connect via 2nd gear as well. Here are some tips to incorporate into your life and leadership.

1. Take the time. When you sense that there is an opportunity to connect, go for it. Make time to connect. Add connect time to your calendar or space your appointments out to add an extra 15 minutes or so, if and when you have a meeting.
2. Listen. The way to connect comes through your ears, not your mouth. When you listen, you give respect and gain perspective. Listening to others by hearing what is really going on is the start to connecting well and being present.
3. Don't force it. People know if you are forcing something. You can't fake connection. It is a two-way street. Inauthenticity leads to disconnection. Be you, be present, and be patient. Connection will happen if you will be present.
4. Give yourself away. Giving yourself away seems risky to some, especially to those who have been burned. However, when you risk by going deep and giving yourself away to help the other person, you increase your chances to receive far more than you imagined. When you invest well you normally get a return on that investment.
5. Cut what binds. This is easier said than done, but you may have habits in your life that are keeping you from your best or from key relationships. Surely solitaire or apps or TV can be prioritized for better times. Consider moving things to a different time of the day if they are having an adverse effect on your relationships.

What Happens When Everyone Is in 2nd Gear?

When people get in 2nd gear, everyone benefits. One of our senior associates from Phoenix, Debbie Correa, shared what happened to her when her family shifted together into 2nd gear:

My first experience with 5 Gears was when Jeremie shared this simple, yet impactful tool with a group of leaders on the back porch of a friend's house in Atlanta. That day I walked away with a newfound vocabulary for some very common issues with my family and business relationships. I became consciously aware of what it meant to be in 2nd gear and how I wasn't there often. As a realtor I have no set business hours. I work at any time of the day or night. As a result, I find that I can be texting or sending an email while cooking dinner or helping my kids with homework. This often frustrated my kids and they have often told me that I am constantly on my phone and not very present. I used to tell them that it was my job…that I wasn't texting friends about what to wear tomorrow but I was actually working so that they could live in a nice home. How is that for a layer of guilt?

My husband and kids are just as guilty. My husband works in IT and tends to wake up in 4th gear with his emails and go to bed finishing the next day's batch of emails. The kids, who are teenagers, seem to live on their phones, always checking for text messages from friends or online with social media. We all went around in circles being frustrated with each other because of the addiction to our phones that we all shared.

5 Gears is changing how we communicate as a family. We are all becoming consciously aware of our setting and our environment and we are working to apply the appropriate gear and the right time. We now have a common language that everybody relates to and appreciates to help us communicate better. I don't have to add any snarky remarks, or guilt to express my feelings. All I have to say is “2nd gear” and I can get their attention and we all can adjust accordingly. It's absolutely wonderful!

5 Gears is a simple yet powerful tool. It has made a huge difference in my family and in me. It began at home and now I take it with me where ever I go. My work is getting better as well. By realizing my gear order and my natural tendencies I am now becoming the engaged mother and wife I want to be and I am also becoming consciously aware of my surroundings while socializing with friends or in meetings with clients. It is all about knowing who you are in order to lead yourself.

Debbie's story could easily be yours. The speed of our society and its social norms can easily cause frustration and disconnection with our family and friends. 2nd gear leads people to get engaged, to be present. It can work in any circle, from home to team to company to community. When everyone engages, everyone wins. That is the secret.

Truly Being Present

Who do you want to connect with? Are you being intentional to do that? Have you created space in order to connect well with those in your life?

Being present has been so difficult for me even as I write this book. We have a short deadline and I have noticed that I am writing almost around the clock. My family and I have discussed the fact that we are writing two books in one year and that it will take a lot of time, energy, and mental thought. And still, it is my responsibility to be the leader worth following in my home. Even with the pressure of a deadline, I still have to practice shifting.

My youngest daughter, Kate, asked me one evening if I wanted to play a game with her. My response is a bit embarrassing, but it makes the point. I told her, “I am sorry, sweetie, but I have to finish the chapter on 3rd gear.” I actually said that. It took about 10 minutes for the full conviction to set in as I realized what I had said to her. I stopped writing, saved my work, and left to connect with her casually as much as I could. Interestingly, I had missed the window as she had joined in on a project with Mom. On one hand, I thought, “Okay, I can get back to writing,” when in reality I had missed an opportunity to be present with her.

Is it sinking in yet? Being present in 2nd gear leads to:

• Healthy relationships that bring peace to your mind and heart.
• Fruitful growth between people.
• Better conversations and more inspiration.
• Likeability and trust.
• Reestablished priorities.
• Less drama and more security.
• Social awareness and emotional intelligence.

Another one of our senior associates, Tom Nebel, shared an example of this at one of our boot camps:

The understanding of 2nd gear has totally revolutionized how my adult son, Andrew, and I relate to each other. We regularly get together for “our time” (watching a movie or a game, or just having dinner), but his connectedness with others was getting in our way. His smartphone was always buzzing with text messages and other incoming data, and he'd engage with it. Mine would do the same on occasion, and I'd play along. We were frustrating each other because it was violating our space and the intent of being together, and we'd act out our frustration with aggressive and passive-aggressive behavior.

It was supposed to be “our time,” but it would often bring out our worst because we didn't have the vocabulary and language to define what was happening. Then I pulled out the 5 Gears tool, and we talked it through. Right then and there we made a commitment that when we came together in this way we'd commit to being in 2nd gear.

Since then, when we get together, we acknowledge the gear, and we shut off the phones. It reminds me of the old western movies, when the cowboys would take their guns off at the saloon and put them in the middle of the table. There will be no aggression here—only camaraderie. It's been a remarkable change in how we relate, and we won't have it any other way.

This is a great example of intentional communication and real conversation. Imagine this happening with you.

• Imagine your family putting their technology on a side table and engaging for more than an hour together.
• Imagine being in a meeting with your boss where he or she isn't checking every buzz that occurs on their phone.
• Imagine locking eyes with someone and having a deep conversation that brings life to both of you.
• Imagine learning how to be naturally and authentically present with the people you are around on a regular basis.

When you are truly present you are giving yourself to another person for a period of time. You are giving your best for their best. 2nd gear is like giving a present to someone—a gift designed specifically for him or her, which you also get to enjoy.

2nd gear leads people to get engaged, to be present.

Conversely, by not being present you are actually wasting their time. If a person comes to you fully present with an expectation to connect, then you have a choice to either downshift to 2nd gear or let them know that you are in 5th and schedule a time to allow you to downshift into the same gear at the same time. If you don't share, but stay distracted, then you are simply wasting the other person's time.

Kevin Deshazo, CEO of Fieldhouse Media, realized what he was doing in his relationship with his son:

5 Gears has been one of the more powerful tools for me that GiANT has introduced, both on a personal and family level. One specific story is with my oldest son, Gabe. When I'm not traveling, I take him to school in the morning and pick him up in the afternoon. While in transit I normally check my phone at red lights for emails and tweets, trying to see what the world is up to.

The 5 Gears mindset opened my eyes to realizing that this was crucial 2nd gear time with my son. This was our five to eight minutes each trip to connect as father and son and I was missing out on that opportunity. Everything changed.

Now when we get in the car I plug in my phone and turn on some music. On the way to school we talk about the day ahead and what he's excited about and I take a few minutes to encourage him and simply connect. On the way home we debrief about his day and what he learned that day. He knows he has my full attention. It is brilliant.

There's a noticeable difference in his mood, based on whether I'm in 4th gear, on my phone, versus being in 2nd gear, engaging him in conversation. I needed to meet him in the right gear. Now, I don't feel like I am missing the time that I know is short and he is getting the best of me.

Back to the Real World

2nd gear can be a reality. I know hundreds of leaders who have implemented 2nd gear firmly in their lives and redeemed the relationships they had singed through the years. On one occasion I was speaking to a leaders conference in Asheville, North Carolina. After sharing the 5 Gears, a guy came up to me with tears in his eyes. He could barely get the words out when he said, “It may be too late, but I am going to give it a try.” He went on to share that his wife had left him the week before and that he had come to realize that it was he and his addictions to work, tasks, and the things that made him feel better that drove her away. He realized that everyone else got his best and his wife got his leftovers.

The real world should be each of us learning how to be real with each other and appropriately present for the benefit of each other. Hear again how Tom Nebel describes the way it should be. I love this:

Years ago my family took a vacation to Hawaii, and it was everything we'd hoped for. When the trip was coming to a close and we were at the Honolulu airport waiting to board the airplane, I was overhearing conversations from other tourists who were headed home as well. Again and again I would hear people say with resignation, “Well, now back to the real world.” I understand. It's hard to say goodbye to a vacation.

But I thought about that, and something [was] triggered in me. I said to my family, “You know, I don't think we're headed back to the real world. I think we're leaving the real world. Our time together here was the closest thing to reality we've had in a long, long while. It's given us space to be as real as we can be. Let's start thinking about our getaways as the real world.” Right then and there we planned our next vacation, and we made a commitment to never concluding a vacation without planning for the next.

The real world is each of us taking the time to connect, apprentice, and pass on what we have to others. The real world is about being consistent, not inconsistent. It is about giving our best to help others, not flitting around from one meeting to the next. Being present is the best real world and when it happens, you know it is true.

By the way, we are not suggesting that you change your life so you start going around hugging people and living in coffee shops, talking all day, like you see some people doing. Each gear has the appropriate time and place, just like a car uses all gears in different settings.

What we are suggesting is that most adults get so overwhelmed by work and the habits of being in 4th and 5th gear that they have a hard time learning to shift into 1st, 2nd, or 3rd. That is primarily why we are using stories and metaphors to bring you to your own reality. We hope that you will begin looking at your 4th gear life and possibly make the changes necessary to learn how to shift appropriately into the right gear for the benefit of you and everyone you are with.

Connecting is an art form. And it takes practice.

By the way, when you are in 2nd gear correctly, it can fuel you up in your mind and emotions far more than you can by staying in 4th gear for that extra hour. It is amazing what happens psychologically and emotionally when you are at peace with those closest to you. You work smarter and produce more results when you are at peace with those in your life.

2nd Gear in a 4th Gear Culture

2nd gear is not very popular in our culture. While TV ads show families having picnics, experiences, or fun adventures together, the reality of our culture is directly opposed to the concept. Americans get two weeks a year for vacations. Workers show up early and stay late to please certain bosses, not because they are more productive, but because that is the culture their boss values. This is the “get it done” mentality and most of us experience this every day.

I have worked in cultures that push for productivity to such a degree that people are on edge constantly. The resulting lack of connectivity and relationships in these instances produces drama that causes divisions inside teams and organizations. Here you find much pain and very little gain. Conversely, I have been part of organizations where the people fight for the highest possible good of each other. They spend more time being connected and understanding each other, which corresponds directly to growth because of team alignment.

One of the things I value about the British culture is their ability to both work hard and to connect appropriately. Our British friends Andrew and Jess Jackson are great examples. He is a physician and she teaches French and Spanish in Beaconsfield, England. He would work hard, shift into 1st gear for personal recharge by taking a bike ride, and then end up at our home, Hedsor Priory, for a dinner over a bottle of wine for a 2nd or 3rd gear moment. There would be times that all of us would sit outside for hours enjoying a sunset and connecting deeply.

Long walks, rambles through the woods, and great conversations happened with most of our British friends. It happened all the time in the United Kingdom. 2nd and 3rd gears are much more culturally fitting in the United Kingdom than in the United States, in our opinion. Thus, the depths of relationships can often go much deeper in that culture than in parts of the task-driven U.S. culture.

This is not an indictment as much as it is an observation. Life is easier in the United States and the people are a bit nicer in the beginning. And yet, the performance culture and the task-driven lifestyles of professionals and parents can make the American culture friendly and shallow, whereas our experience living in London taught us that while Brits may be more standoffish at the beginning, they can connect more deeply at times.

Please don't misunderstand; we love 4th gear and the productivity of work. However, we have also experienced 2nd and 3rd gears and have seen the joys and benefits of knowing people deeply and developing business and work that is equally uplifting. It is not a battle between this and that, but rather a need for both 4th and 2nd gears.

Remember, connecting is an art and science. Practice connecting. Learn to shift into 2nd gear for the sake of each other. When you begin to master 2nd gear, you will begin to experience a deeper level of respect and trust.

Warning Signs: You know you have an unhealthy 2nd gear if…

• You obsess about the key relationships in your life and not the person you are talking to.
• The desire to go deep in conversation keeps you from 3rd gear connectivity.
• Talking too much and too long is your normal pattern.
• There is an inappropriate amount of time spent caring at work rather than working.
• You put unrealistic expectations on people to connect, make people feel bad, and eventually isolate yourself.
• You constantly struggle with having the right conversation in the wrong context.
• You are so present-focused, you struggle to see the big picture.

How Do You Get Healthy?

• Learn to have a 3rd gear social conversation and be okay with it.
• Discipline and discretion—know when it is the right time to have that conversation.
• Be careful to not put pressure on people to go deep when they are not ready.
• Be interested before trying to be interesting.
• Learn how to ask 3rd gear questions.
• Monitor how much time you spend in 2nd gear at work.
• Remember to be relevant in your connectivity: Does the conversation agenda relate to the person you are talking to?

Key Question: How might my desire to go deeper actually push people away?

The 2nd Gear Challenge

Commit to a particular area of study and professional advancement to get stronger in your 4th and 5th gear.