Have an Appealing Personality
Don’t give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I’ll kick you downstairs.
—Humpty Dumpty (from Alice in Wonderland)
A person’s personality is his or her total behavior and emotional characteristics. All these characteristics combined distinguish an individual and group from other individuals and groups.
You are Your Message! Your personality is your most important means of communicating with people as it can make them receptive to or reject what you say to them. Therefore, you need to be careful that your personality enhances rather than detracts from your message. It is important to realize that sometimes there is so much of the person in his or her message that their personality interferes with their message. When this happens, your listeners are distracted and concentrate on the speaker instead of what he or she is saying. As the saying goes, “How can I hear what you are saying when there is so much of you saying it?”
It can’t be emphasized too much that what matters most to your listeners is who you are. They are influenced only second most by how you are saying what you are saying and third most by the content (what) of your message. Yes, it is your speaking style (the how) that is most important to most of your listeners than the substance (the what) of your presentation.
You reveal your personality to people in four ways: (1) your appearance, (2) your choice of words, (3) your voice tone, and (4) your body language. Each of these factors is dealt with as separate topics through the book.
The following is a list of desirable personality characteristics for speakers to display when speaking to individuals or groups:
• Friendly, warm, and approachable
• Sincere, honest, and trustworthy
• Genuine, real, and authentic
• Open-minded, adaptable, and flexible
• Positive attitude balanced with a realistic outlook on things
• Integrity along with high ethical standards
• Enthusiasm for both the topic and the listeners
• Confident, assured, and poised
• Modest, unassuming, and down-to-earth
• Candid, straightforward, and plain-spoken
• Sensitive and aware of other people’s needs and desires
• “You” (other person) centered rather than “I” and “me” centered
Create a Feeling of Commonality
. . . but common interests will always prevail.
—unknown
Commonality refers to relating something familiar or that is known to people generally. It is having something a speaker has in common or shares with his or her listeners.
Your listeners will be more comfortable with you and open to our ideas when your ideas are compatible with their own. People will understand you more when the information you are sharing is consistent with their own beliefs, attitudes, and experiences. Therefore, it is imperative that you share the things you have in common with them (and the sooner you do this in your talk the better).
Your goal is to create a sense of unity and togetherness with your listeners. There are an almost endless number of ways that you can do this. These include:
cultural background |
ethnic origin |
occupations |
educational background |
nationality |
age |
lifestyle |
leisure-time pursuits |
interests |
language spoken |
gender |
likes and dislikes |
family |
health issues |
|
experiences |
regions lived in |
problems faced |
travel |
affiliations |
religion |
Here are several proven ways that will help you to develop a feeling of commonality with the people you are conversing with:
• Stress as many similarities as possible between you and your listeners.
• Emphasize areas of agreement and downplay areas of disagreement.
• Strive to agree in principle even if your opinions on the details differ.
• Use we lots and I and me little.
• Preface your statements as follows whenever you can:
1. As we both know …
2. As we can both agree …
3. We share the same beliefs that …
• Refer to well-known people that are liked and respected by your listeners.
• Quote people your listeners know and admire.
• Cite local events, situations, and examples.
• Tell stories of mutual interest.
• Use examples closely related to the lives of your listeners.
• Demonstrate that you know important things about your listeners.
• Smile often and show your listeners you like them and appreciate the opportunity to be with them.
• Use words that have a positive impact on people.
• Tell something personal about yourself, including some mistakes you have made (show that you are human).
• Talk your listeners’ lingo if it is natural for you to do so (don’t talk like you are from Boston when you are talking with people from Atlanta or like a professor when talking with people from humble backgrounds).
Demonstrate the Right Attitude
A merry heart doeth good like medicine.
—Proverbs 17:22
Your attitude is your predisposition to feel favorably or unfavorably toward a person, object, or event.
An attitude can’t be observed directly; instead, it is something that must be inferred from a person’s behavior. People convey their attitudes through their appearance, verbal comments, voice tone, and body language.
Your attitude is tremendously important because it influences your relations and communication with people. Your attitude can help or hinder your ability to get understood. You need to have the right attitude to communicate anything effectively. You are in charge of your own attitude and have the option to display either a positive or a negative attitude toward yourself and your listeners as well as the subject you are talking about.
Try to be optimistic about your ability to connect with people. By being optimistic and positive you will help people to feel at ease with you and consequently more receptive to your message.
Mahatma Gandhi made these powerful points about positive thinking:
Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviors. Keep your behaviors positive because your behaviors become your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.
The following attitudes will assist you to get your message understood by people:
• Be friendly and show you like and respect your listeners.
• Stress “you” and “we” when talking with people and downplay the use of “I” and “me.”
• Learn something important about your listeners to avoid labeling or stereotyping them.
• Be sure to treat your listeners as equals.
• Demonstrate confidence balanced with modesty while talking. Sound as though you know what you are talking about without being condescending. Above all, avoid coming across as a know-it-all. Express yourself simply and use words that are easy to understand.
• Be realistic about your listeners’ knowledge and interest in the subject (neither over- nor underestimate these.)
• Be patient with and considerate of your listeners. If they don’t understand you right away, it is best to refrain from showing any irritation and saying anything critical. Instead, simply state what you want to say in another way.
• Expect the best from your listeners and show that you enjoy being with them.
• Convey an attitude that you are merely sharing information with your listeners rather than lecturing them.
• Show that the important thing is not you but what you are saying. You want to avoid having your listeners ask themselves, “How can I hear what you are saying when there is so much of you saying it?”
Desire to Get Understood
Man’s painful desire to communicate without coalescing.
—Clifton Fadiman
A person’s desire is his or her wish or want for something. It also means a longing or craving for something.
No one can communicate effectively without the desire to do so. The first step toward getting understood is the desire to be understood.
The desire to be understood requires that you be willing to reveal your true thoughts and feelings about things. Desire also demands that you accept the responsibility for and consequences for anything you disclose. A true desire to get understood also means that you are committed to giving what you say the necessary time and effort to make it comprehensible to people.
The strength of your desire to attain understanding is based on the following factors:
1. Your views toward the subject—it must be genuinely important to you
2. You consider the occasion itself so important that you feel it is imperative to get your ideas across accurately
3. Your attitude toward yourself—you need to believe that getting understood is important to your image and reputation
4. Your attitude toward your listeners—you must consider them to be valuable, worthwhile, and important people
Make a Genuine Effort to Get Understood
Keep the faculty of effort alive in you by a little gratuitous exercise every day.
—William James
When you make an effort to get what you say understood, you consciously exert energy to do so. Effort involves making a serious and deliberate attempt to get understood. Getting yourself understood doesn’t just happen; it requires desire, strong effort, and hard work.
The person speaking is expected to make a concerted effort to get understood. This is his or her responsibility. It is presumptuous to expect your listeners to make a strong effort to understand what you are saying.
You make an effort to get understood by:
• Thinking carefully about what you need to say in advance
• Learning important things about your listeners ahead of time
• Concentrating 100 percent on what you are saying and blocking out any distractions
• Having your body language support everything you are saying
• Taking the time to adapt your content, wording, and speaking style to the people listening to you
• Securing feedback from your listeners’ facial expressions, posture, body movement, and questions
An unexamined life is not worth living.
—Socrates
Awareness exists when a person perceives and has knowledge of something.
Your message will be better understood if you can achieve congruence between how you view things and how your listeners view them. Unless you and your listeners have the same frame of reference, misunderstandings are likely to occur. Do your best to imagine how life looks to your listeners so that you can adapt what you say and how you say it based on this awareness.
When your awareness is accurate and based on reality, you will connect with people better because you can deal with them as they actually are rather than what you mistakenly thought they were.
It is also important to become aware of how you and your subject are perceived by the people listening to you.
Here are several vital things to know regarding awareness that will assist you to get understood:
• Your perception of things is based on your culture, past experiences, self-concept, beliefs, interests, prejudices, and mood at a certain time.
• Every human being has a unique and different awareness of life, people, objects, and events. No two people see things exactly the same way. As Dr. Konrad Adenauer stated so insightfully: We all live under the same sky, but we don’t all have the same horizon.
• We are limited in our ability to perceive things. It is simply impossible to be aware of everything. We are able to be aware of only a small part of what exists and is going on and around us.
• Our perceptions are selective. We pay attention to certain events, people, and information and ignore others. In addition, we tend to see and hear what we expect and want to see and hear (e.g., when listening to presidential debates).
• We tend to tune out information that conflicts with our beliefs and expectations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson so aptly put it: “Some things have to be believed to be seen.”
• One person’s reality is pure fantasy to someone else.
• Since differences in perception are inevitable and so widespread, it is important that you avoid making the mistake of assuming that the way you perceive things is accurate and the same as others view them—it simply ain’t so. For example, three people viewing the Grand Canyon might comment thusly:
1. A clergyman: “One of the wonders of God.”
2. An archaeologist: “What a wonder of science!”
3. A cowboy: “What a heck of a place to lose a cow!”
You will understand other people better if you become aware of their ages, gender, educational level, cultural background, personalities, occupations, group affiliations, and geographical areas living and lived in, as well as their knowledge, attitudes, and interest in the subject being discussed.
You can become aware of important things about people by:
• Learning about the topics they talk about
• Finding out how they spend their time
• Asking them questions about themselves
• Asking their friends and associates about them
• Discovering their interests
• Noting the things they have strong feelings about
• Observing the kinds of words they use
• Identifying the groups they are affiliated with
• Watching their facial expressions and body language while you are talking with them
Feel and Show Empathy
We have not really budged a step until we take up residence in someone else’s point of view.
—John Erskine
Empathetic speakers are aware of and sensitive to the views, thoughts, feelings, and experiences of their listeners. A person is empathetic when he or she is free of making judgments about other people and accepts them for what they are. The word compassion is often used interchangeably with empathy.
Understanding is increased when the person speaking and the person listening have empathy for each other. Mutual understanding is aided by mutual empathy.
By showing empathy for your listeners you help develop rapport, which further promotes their willingness to try to understand what you are saying. A speaker who is liked creates greater receptivity to his or her message and thus the listeners try harder to understand what is being said.
You can show empathy for the thoughts and feelings of your listeners by:
• Finding out what is important to them
• Demonstrating you value them as people and consider them to be important to you
• Acting friendly and showing that you like them
• Using appropriate and respectful words
• Talking about things interesting and important to them
• Encouraging them to state their ideas and reactions to your comments freely
Be Candid
Truth is never pure and rarely simple.
—Oscar Wilde
Being candid means being sincere and straightforward when you talk with people. It is being free of bias and deception. Synonyms for candid are honesty and frankness. It is important to realize that the basis for any good relationship is honesty and candid communication.
When being candid, you have the choice of being frank and saying something as it exactly is or toning it down a little to help your listeners feel more comfortable with what you are saying. It is best to be candid without being brutally frank. It is often quite a challenge to be both frank and tactful at the same time and still get understood; however, it is possible.
Let people know exactly what is on your mind in terms they can comprehend. Obviously, people can’t guess what is on your mind and what you are really trying to say to them.
Let’s be realistic—there is risk in saying precisely what you want to say. Frankness can cause the people listening to you to become upset, defensive, and even antagonistic toward you.
It is sometimes contrary to your best interests to be completely frank with people because many people become uncomfortable when exposed to the truth or when you call a spade a spade. Therefore, it is foolish to say everything you really want to say and just let the chips fall where they may.
Consider the consequences before simply blurting out completely what is on your mind. It is wise to always use discretion and consider people’s feelings when being frank with them. You gain little and can lose a lot from overkill and dumping a full load on people.
On the other hand, you can cause misunderstandings when you are not completely frank with people and sugar-coat the truth on important matters. Being politically correct can also cause misunderstanding because it says it as it isn’t.
Ask yourself these four questions before being candid with anyone:
1. Why do I need to say what I intend on saying?
2. Do I really need to say it?
3. Will saying it make matters better or worse?
4. How can I say it so clearly that my point gets across and yet tactfully enough to minimize offending the other person?
Here are several tips you can benefit from when speaking candidly with people:
• Be aware of people’s need to protect themselves psychologically by using various defense mechanisms such as distorting what you are saying or tuning you out totally.
• Have the courage to reveal important things about yourself to build trust.
• Desire to be open and truthful with people.
• Be willing to accept the consequences of being candid.
• Trust your listeners to be open to hearing what you have to say.
• Present the essential facts fairly and objectively.
• Tell people what you want to talk about and explain why it is necessary.
• Balance frankness with tact.
There are certain words and phrases that you should avoid using because they are enemies of candor. These include:
• Wishy-washy words or phrases such as maybe, appears, perhaps, generally, possibly, they say
• Self-protective disclaimers such as “Just off the top of my head I think …” or “I don’t know if this will work” when you are confident it will or “Now this is only a guess but …”
• Qualifying phrases such as “It is my understanding . . . ,” “It might possibly work,” or “Don’t quote me on this but …”
Remember, your goal should be to say things as they really are and not as they are not.
Demonstrate Courage
Courage is a virtue only in proportion as it is directed by prudence.
—François de la Monta Fenclon
Courage is defined as the moral strength to persevere and withstand danger or fear. A courageous speaker says what needs to be said, says it candidly and directly, and then accepts the responsibility for what was said.
Some situations require courage for you to say what needs to be said. Understandably, most people are reluctant at times to say what should be said because they don’t want to hurt people’s feelings or risk being disliked, yet in some situations you have no choice but to bite the bullet and say what needs to be said.
If you don’t say what needs to be said candidly and in a straightforward manner, people can’t possibly know what you really mean and thus they will fail to understand what you are saying.
When the situation demands that you level with people and state exactly what needs to be said about something, it is wise to first ask yourself these pertinent questions:
• Do I really need to say it?
• How can I best say it?
• When is the best time to say it?
• Am I the best person to say it?
• What will be the consequences if I say it or don’t say it?
Unfortunately, employers, parents, spouses, friends, doctors, clerics, police, counselors, and teachers must at times deliver bad news or make critical comments to and about people.
Sometimes they have no other options. The following are several examples that require courage to speak frankly with the people involved. (Ask yourself what would be the result of remaining silent, sugar-coating your comments, or speaking frankly in each instance):
• A doctor having to tell several parents of young children that the child has an incurable disease and death is imminent
• An employer informing a worker that he or she is being laid off when the employer knows the family is living paycheck to paycheck
• Parents telling their young children that they are going to be divorced and the family is going to be split up
• A friend telling a close, lifelong friend that he or she has bad breath and a repugnant body odor
• A police officer needing to inform a wife that her husband has just been killed in a car wreck
Delaying or failing to say what needs to be said in these situations solves nothing and often makes matters worse. These situations demand that you face the situation courageously and say what needs to be said in a straightforward, compassionate manner.
Show Sincerity
No language but the language of the heart.
—Alexander Pope
To be sincere is to be honest, genuine, and heartfelt. There is an absence of hypocrisy, deceit, and subterfuge. A sincere speaker says what he or she honestly thinks, believes, and feels about something. Such individuals share their thoughts fully and candidly without holding anything back when speaking to people.
As a speaker your sincerity is important as it is directly related to your success when speaking. Sincerity lies at the heart of all communication. To appear sincere you must actually be sincere. It is unwise to fake sincerity because most listeners can quickly detect whether or not you are a person with integrity who is speaking with conviction (talking from your heart and not merely with your lips).
Whenever you are insincere, you are sabotaging your speaking efforts because insincere communication is ineffective—it creates resistance to what you are saying. Your goal as a sincere speaker is to reveal and not conceal. It is to share your thoughts and feelings honestly about a subject rather than to hide or disguise them.
By doing the following you will help project your sincerity to people listening to you.
• Speak with conviction—say what you mean, mean what you say, and show that you mean it.
• Be sure your past statements and actions are consistent with what you are currently saying and doing.
• Know what you are talking about—don’t bluff or guess when answering questions. If you don’t know the answer to a question, simply say “I don’t know.” Better yet, say “I don’t know but I will find out for you and get back to you by next week.”
• Act natural and genuine—avoid putting on airs or displaying any affectation.
• Smile with a full and lingering smile rather than with a half or fleeting smile.
• Say the same thing with your words, facial expressions, body movement, and voice tone (you need to send a consistent message).
• Speak without undue hesitation and without saying anything contradictory.
• Maintain steady eye contact with your listeners.
• Avoid having a hidden agenda behind your actual comments.
Create Rapport
Treat others as they want to be treated, not as you want to be treated.
—Anonymous
Rapport exists when harmony is present between people and when they get along well together. It exists when people like and have an affinity for each other.
Rapport is the foundation for all successful relationships and communication. Rapport is to communication what gasoline is to a car. The feelings of your listeners toward you are important in determining their willingness to listen and to understand your message. People won’t try to understand what you are saying unless they like and respect you. If your listeners dislike you, neither your eloquence or style nor your fluency with words will overcome their resistance to your message.
Relational messages exist as well as content messages every time you say something to someone. They demonstrate how the speaker and his or her listeners feel about each other. The closeness of a relationship has a significant impact on how any message is received. Your relationships will be enhanced if you share your feelings as well as your thoughts with the people you are talking with. Your listeners want to know you as a person in order for them to understand you better.
Your goal when speaking to a single individual or a group of people is to develop as much rapport as you can as quickly as possible. Strive to make your listeners immediately receptive to what you have to say.
The following ideas will help you to develop rapport with your listeners:
• Find out what your listeners expect from you and tailor your message to meet these expectations.
• Learn how much your listeners know about the subject.
• Try to see things from your listeners’ point of view (let them know you understand their world).
• Use personal touch. Use a lot of personal pronouns (I, we, and you). Stress you and we while downplaying I and me when talking with people.
• Establish common ground. Emphasize your similarities and minimize your differences. Create a feeling of camaraderie and togetherness.
• Make your listeners feel important (we all want to feel important and to be treated like we are somebody).
• Show you appreciate your listeners’ abilities and accomplishments.
• Involve your listeners—give them a chance to make comments and ask questions. Also ask semirhetorical questions to give people an opportunity to respond to what you’ve said (for example, a show of hands).
• Cite examples that relate to your listeners’ daily lives.
• Build on your listeners’ preexisting beliefs and interests.
• Act enthusiastic and show that you are enjoying yourself. Smile often and big. A smile says I like you and I’m happy to be with you. By smiling you also help your listeners to feel relaxed and comfortable around you.
• Act modest and down-to-earth like a regular person.
• Speak as an equal and play down any differences in status.
• Act natural and show that you are human.
• Don’t act like a know-it-all. Be willing to frankly admit mistakes you’ve made and state “I don’t know” to questions rather than bluffing or guessing your answers.
• Speak in a pleasant, conversational tone of voice (be sure not to sound preachy or holier-than-thou).
• Show a sense of humor—have fun and laugh with your listeners.
• Use appealing language. Get on the same wavelength by using familiar words and plain language.
• Use gender-fair and gender-neutral words.
Establish Credibility
I hold that the characteristic of the present age is craving credibility.
—Benjamin Disraeli
Credibility is having the power to gain people’s trust and belief in what you are saying. To be viewed as credible you need to be seen as trustworthy, competent, sincere, and well intentioned.
You must have credibility to be believed. People will pay closer attention to what you are saying when they think that you know what you are talking about. Conversely, without credibility your message will be suspect and may even be discounted. Therefore, it is imperative that you give top priority to establishing your credibility.
Your reputation precedes the time when you actually begin speaking to people. Your reputation can be an asset or a liability. Ideally, your reputation will, by itself, show why are you qualified to speak on the topic. In any event, be sure to tell your listeners about your training and experiences regarding your subject at the start of your talk.
If you are speaking to a large group of people, be certain to provide the person assigned to introduce you a succinct list of your most important qualifications for speaking on the topic. In addition, modestly mention additional training and experiences connected to the subject periodically during your presentation.
Your credibility and overall reputation are enhanced when you are sincere and truthful in all that you say. While speaking you want to show a strong sense of ethics and integrity. You further aid your credibility and image when you show that you have made a genuine effort to learn important things about your listeners. You will elicit a positive reception from people when you demonstrate that you not only understand their needs and problems but that you share some of them.
Your appearance and mannerisms are important. People will quickly size you up and form an opinion about you before you utter a word. Be sure to wear clothing appropriate for the occasion and nature of the topic. It is usually best to dress conservatively. Also, look well groomed and refrain from wearing any distracting jewelry. By looking and acting confident you bolster your credibility. It is essential that you act poised and relaxed in order to appear confident.
You express confidence by dressing appropriately, having an erect posture, maintaining steady eye contact, speaking fluently with an assured manner, gesturing frequently and freely, and by inviting questions. You further exhibit confidence by readily stating you don’t know something rather than bluffing and by admitting your past mistakes.
On the other hand, you diminish your projection of confidence when you do the following:
• Appear nervous, hesitant, and insincere
• Act tentative, indecisive, and unsure
• Make hedging and qualifying statements or habitually use weasel words such as somewhat, kind of, usually, generally, and possibly
• State frequent disclaimers such as “I’m not really sure,” “I’m only guessing but …,” and “I could be wrong but …”
Take prolonged pauses or repeatedly make sounds such as ah, em, um, and so forth.
Strive to Be Tactful
Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
—Isaac Goldberg
Tact is being sensitive to what we say and do in order to maintain good relationships and avoid giving offense to someone. It is saying and doing what is considerate and diplomatic.
Being tactful involves saying and doing the right thing in the right way at the right time. In order to be tactful you need to consider the feelings and viewpoints of other people. In addition, you need to consider the impact and consequences of what you say and do.
One of the realities of life is that the truth hurts sometimes; there is no denying this fact. There are times when you must be candid and say what needs to be said even if it hurts and is distasteful. However, while leveling with someone you need to avoid leveling the person in the process.
The constant challenge is to be tactful even when you have to be “brutally frank.” You don’t have to be rude to be candid nor lie to be tactful. There is a middle ground. Realize that if you are too tactful or subtle, you may fail to convey what you are actually thinking and feeling and thus your listeners will fail to understand what you are really trying to say.
In order to be tactful, people sometimes use euphemisms (saying gentle and soft words to express stronger and harsher feelings). You need to be careful when using euphemisms because they water down or disguise your true feelings on the matter (the result is that what needs to be said does not get said).
Remember your goal when communicating is to speak plainly and candidly without being abrasive, offending people, and creating resentment.
You can attain your objective of being tactful by:
• Thinking before speaking
• Predicting people’s reactions to what you plan to say and modifying what you are going to say accordingly
• Being polite and respectful in all you say and do
• Treating others as important people and as equals
• Speaking honestly and candidly without being unpleasant and insulting
• Saying negative things in a more gentle and considerate way (euphemistically) yet making sure that your listeners get the point (for example, saying that a person made a mistake rather than stating he or she was wrong to do something)
• Using socially acceptable words and avoiding strong and offensive language that unduly antagonizes people (for example, refraining from using profanity or vulgar expressions)
• Describing the problem caused by the person rather than blaming or finding fault with the person himself/herself
• Doing your best to see things from the other person’s viewpoint to gain perspective on the situation
Build Trust
Trust, like the soul, never returns once it is gone.
—Publilius Syrus
We trust people who talk to us when we have confidence in them and consider them reliable. We have faith that they are telling us the truth.
Effective communication is based on mutual trust. Trust is essential for harmonious relations. Rapport between the speaker and the listener contributes greatly to gaining mutual understanding. Without basic trust in the speaker, listeners will be reluctant to believe what is being said. When trust exists, suspicions about a speaker are minimized as is the need for the people listening to act defensive and self-protective.
Any speaker who offends, threatens, or diminishes his or her listeners is unlikely to be trusted and thus jeopardizes his or her chances of being understood. Fortunately, there are many ways you can gain the trust of your listeners. These include:
• Having a reputation of being fair, balanced, and objective when presenting information to people
• Building a reputation of being a principled person with integrity
• Having common goals and interests
• Acting open-minded and receptive to new ideas and divergent opinions
• Being helpful and cooperative
• Following up on promises and honoring commitments
• Acting natural and genuine
• Revealing something personal about yourself to show that you trust your listeners (trust needs to be a reciprocal act)
• Being sincere, truthful, and ethical in all that you say and do
• Showing that you understand important things about the listeners
• Having your actions match your words
• Having words, voice, and body language all send the same message
• Maintaining steady eye contact
• Acting poised, assured, and confident when speaking
• Acting in a consistent and predictable manner
• Demonstrating depth of knowledge concerning the subject and referring to notes only briefly
• Providing complete, current, and correct information
• Citing sources for important information
• Being willing to say “I don’t know” rather than bluffing or guessing at answers to questions
• Admitting past mistakes readily
• Using facts and statistics in an objective manner without any attempt to manipulate the data or the listeners
• Quoting authorities on the subject
• Offering solid evidence to support the positions taken on various issues
Listen Reciprocally
If you listen to them you will be listened to.
—William Saroyan
To reciprocate is to have a mutual or equivalent interchange. It is to return in kind. In a communications context it means that after the person who is speaking is finished speaking, he or she then listens to what the person who has been listening has to say.
People are more inclined to listen to you and will try harder to understand what you are saying when you reciprocate by listening to them (and showing that you are doing your best to understand them—you need to listen to be heard).
It is wise not to assume that you understand anything said to you. And it is a good idea to verify anything said to you that you think you may not understand fully (when in doubt find out). It is also wise to refrain from jumping to conclusions or making premature judgments about either the person speaking or what he or she is saying.
In order to truly listen reciprocally you need a mindset that is centered more on the other person than on your own self. There are many ways you can show your listeners that you sincerely want to listen to and understand them. There are two approaches you can take to achieve this: (1) verbal and (2) nonverbal.
Let’s first look at the verbal ways you can show that you either understand or are making an effort to understand what the person speaking is saying:
• Repeat, word for word, what has been said to you (mirroring).
• Repeat the essence of what was said to you in your own words (paraphrasing).
• Ask related follow-up questions about the essence of what you heard.
• Make related or corresponding comments that build upon what was said.
• Cite comparable events in your life that are connected to the speaker’s remarks.
• Respond with words that contain the same level or type of feelings as the words used by the person speaking.
• Use a similar tone of voice to match the tone of the speaker’s message.
• Express interest by saying “Would you tell me more about …”
• Seek to clarify what was said by comments such as:
1. “This is what I heard you say; do I have it right?”
2. “I’m not sure I heard you correctly; would you run it by me again?”
• State your reactions to what was said.
• Give your reasons for agreeing or disagreeing with what you heard.
• Say reassuring things such as:
“I understand” (with an empathetic look and voice tone)
“I can see why you feel as you do.”
“I know, I’ve been there too.”
“I would feel the same way if I were in your place.”
“I know what you mean; the same thing happened to me.”
Let’s now examine several nonverbal things you can do to show you are on the same wavelength and understand the person speaking:
• Look directly at the person with an attentive body posture.
• Have an interested look on your face.
• React with facial expressions that are in harmony with what is being said at the time.
• Nod your head up and down or sideways in response to what is being said.
• Make sounds that are compatible with what is being said (for example, hmm, um, oh, and ah).
• Remain silent and hear the person out without any interruptions or restless movements of your body.
• Demonstrate you can do what the speaker talked about or asked you to do.
Act Enthusiastic
Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
An enthusiastic speaker displays excitement, zeal, and a strong liking for his or her subject and the opportunity to speak about it.
Enthusiasm is contagious. You need to show that you are enthusiastic about your subject if you expect your listeners to be enthusiastic about it. If your listeners are not excited about the topic and your presentation style, they will not be attentive and will consequently make little effort to understand what you are saying.
In addition to conveying enthusiasm for your subject, you need to show that you like your listeners and are excited about the opportunity to talk with them.
You can show your enthusiasm in these ways:
• Making a statement about your strong commitment to the subject
• Telling about your conviction regarding the topic in a manner that reveals how intensely you feel about the subject
• Sharing your personal experiences regarding the topic
• Demonstrating an extensive knowledge of the subject
• Having animated facial expressions while speaking
• Using frequent movement and free-flowing gestures
• Speaking with a lively and expressive voice
• Saying some things with a rising voice volume and at a faster rate of speech
• Using action language with a punch
• Interacting with your listeners in as many ways as possible
• Smiling often and showing you are enjoying yourself
Get and Maintain Attention
Attention is a hard thing to get from men.
—Francis Bacon
Attention is the readiness of the listener to hear what the person speaking is saying. Focus and concentration are synonyms for attention.
Your first step toward getting understood is gaining and maintaining your listeners’ attention. No understanding can occur without adequate attention. Strive to get your listeners to concentrate exclusively on what you are saying.
The challenge of securing your listeners’ attention is a constant one. This is a tremendous challenge because people are bombarded with thousands of messages daily. It is a mistake to assume that people are paying attention to what you are saying just because they are present and looking at you (people are good at faking attention). People can pay close attention to only one thing at a time. People have short attention spans. They listen in spurts and their mind wanders periodically.
To gain attention you need a strong beginning when talking with people. Your opening comments are extremely important as they are the key to getting people to focus on what you are saying. It is wise to delay your opening statement until your listeners are settled and ready to focus their attention on you. One effective way to begin is by stating your purpose. Another strong beginning is to stress how what you are going to say will benefit your listeners. Answer the question “so what?” immediately. Still another approach is to make a startling statement or to cite a powerful and relevant quotation by someone important to your listeners.
You can also create interest by establishing common ground with your listeners. Reveal something about yourself that your listeners can connect with. This helps to make what you are saying relate directly to your listeners’ lives.
It also helps to establish your credibility immediately. When people know your qualifications for speaking on the topic, they will be more inclined to listen to you. A quick summary of your experience, training, and expertise on the subject shared in a modest manner will show your listeners why you are worth listening to.
Organize your remarks carefully and logically to maintain your listeners’ attention. Limit the amount of information you present or you will overwhelm people and they will consequently tune you out. Your ideas should be organized in a sequence that is easy to follow. Give your main point right away and then number your other main points as you offer them. Carefully show your transitions when going from point to point. Emphasize your key points by pausing or repeating them, and be sure to summarize your main points when ending your talk.
To gain and maintain attention, present your information in an enthusiastic and lively style. Vary your speaking speed and try to speak at a rate of 125 to 150 words a minute (if you speak too fast or too slow you may lose your listeners’ attention). Also, change your voice volume and use appropriate gestures to hold people’s attention.
Use simple language and words that are familiar to your listeners. Use short words and sentences rather than long ones. Speak in specifics rather than in generalities. Use language that creates a mental picture and visual aids to make your comments more interesting and easy to understand. While using visual aids, be sure to look at your listeners and ensure that the visuals are large enough to be seen easily.
Your words should sound spontaneous rather than rehearsed. Use fresh phrases that inject life and color into your language rather than employing trite and tired phrases. Provide new information and fresh ideas to create interest and maintain attention. Speak about everyday events and real-life incidents important to your listeners. Conversely, avoid talking about things people already know and that are common place.
Other things that help you to gain and hold the attention of your listeners include: