11

When Feedback Gets Personal

Most of us would rather not be told that our behavior is inappropriate, that we smell funny, that we got someone’s name wrong, or that we were late. In most cases, we also do not like to tell someone else such bad news—even if it’s true. Advertisers are aware of this human inclination, so when producing commercials for mouthwash products, they help buyers devise clever, indirect ways to tell offenders their breath is bad.

The alternatives to receiving personal feedback are either to be perfect, which is a little difficult, or to remain unaware of defects, limitations, or inappropriate behavior. The key to learning from personal complaints and criticism—just like customer complaints—is not to get defensive but to view them as gifts. Many years ago, Janelle had a boss with a memorable temper. He would scream at his staff—in public and at the top of his lungs. One evening he broke his foot kicking down a door in a fit of anger. Everyone cheered. “This is who I am,” he would shout. “And if you don’t like it, then just leave.” His employees did, in droves, as did his wife and children. He paid a big price for being who he was.

Personal feedback can save us from future embarrassment. For example, if part of your underwear is exposed when you are about to speak before three hundred people, you’ll gladly thank whoever points this out. The same is true if you have a big glob of spinach stuck to your front teeth just as you’re about to take your wedding vows. In fact, if your friends don’t alert you to these social faux pas, you’d probably get angry with them. “How could you not tell me? I made a complete fool of myself and you didn’t say a word!”

We need input if we are to develop personally. Our self-awareness is woefully inadequate, even if we become hyperaware. Frankly, most of the time we’re utterly subjective. Objective feedback is more likely to be provided by others. Our spouses or partners are generally reliable sources of information. Warren Bennis, leadership author, freely admits that he depends on his psychiatrist wife to provide him with input. Many heads of companies seek out colleagues, actively solicit input from their peers, and hire coaches to get feedback. Today, people also use electronic cybernetic feedback (for example, voice analysis, body movement, or muscle contractions), tape recordings, and videotaping to get objective feedback. Virtually none of this feedback is comfortable.

If nothing else, you may just get away with a lot more by being receptive to feedback. That’s what one reader of the first edition told us: “You wouldn’t believe how much stuff I get away with [with] my wife by thanking her for her criticism!” Who knows, maybe that’s enough!

Growing from Personal Criticism

The criticism we receive probably has some truth in it, even if it feels unfair or attacking. In fact, the more upset we are about criticism (“How dare they say that!”), the more likely we are to be guilty of what we’re being criticized for, in at least some small way. Most of us are in denial about at least some, if not many, aspects of our behavior. But individuals can grow and improve from discovering their weaknesses just as entire organizations do.

When we were children, we constantly heard critical feedback from our parents, siblings, friends, and teachers. Children consistently get into trouble trying to figure out how the world works. Indeed, an infant who never gets in trouble is probably not very exploratory. How can children know that pulling on a piece of cloth will cause everything on top of it to fall, unless they experiment? How can children know in advance that rolling off the bed may cause a bone to break when they land? How can children know that screaming is inappropriate in a restaurant if no one ever says anything? Fortunately, most children don’t take personally the comments of caution or correction they receive from adults. Youngsters seem to understand that they don’t know how the world operates and that the “big people” will tell them. The point is that children constantly work at improving themselves. Adults have a more difficult time accepting feedback.

For children or adults, of course, how the feedback is delivered matters. It can be a lot easier to respond openly when the environment and tone of criticism or complaint are warm and supportive. If the atmosphere is chronically critical or abusive or nagging, children may stop listening, just as many married couples tune their spouses out, denying the truth of what the other person is saying. On the other hand, some people do not know how to set limits on the criticism they receive; they accommodate everything anybody says to them, constantly checking to make sure they are in line. They forget what they themselves want as they strive to please the outside world, and they adjust their individual personalities to the needs of the environment. For adults or children, reactions at either end of this scale, from total denial to total accommodation, are undesirable.

Some readers may be thinking, “Why should I change? This is who I am, and if the world doesn’t like me, then that’s just the way it is. I’m not going to change.” That’s fine. Everyone gets to choose how much information to take in from the outside world. At some point, however, we have to decide what price we are willing to pay for being just as we are without consideration of others’ thoughts or feelings. And by making some changes in response to feedback we receive, we may actually find it more pleasant or effective for us to be who we are.

Janelle belongs to the National Speakers Association. She’s had lengthy discussions with fellow speakers, some of whom have very strong opinions about audience feedback. Some refuse to accept it. If someone comes up to them after their presentation and says, “Do you want some feedback?” they will say no because they know that something negative is going to be said based on how the person started. It’s true that audience members will sometimes deliver very strange feedback—strange in that the speaker can’t do anything about the “problem.” For example, Janelle has been told she is too tall. That’s a hard one to fix, but “You need a manicure” is about something that can be fixed. It’s tempting to respond with an in-kind attack: “Yeah, and you look like you could lose twenty pounds.” But that doesn’t move the relationship in a positive direction. Janelle has found that it’s best to simply say, “Thank you. You’re right. I do need a manicure.”

We can’t control how others deliver their criticism or complaints. But we can control how we respond to the feedback we get. Sometimes that one-on-one feedback is the most difficult to hear with objectivity. As Joan Baez, the folk singer, put it, “The easiest kind of relationship for me is with 10,000 people. The hardest is with one.”¹ This chapter includes a few steps you can take to make criticism a little easier to handle.

Here’s what we’ve learned from listening to hundreds of people. Treating complaints about your behavior as gifts within your family unit will significantly reduce the number of spats you have. A lot of people in long-term relationships tend to have fights over events that would embarrass them if they had to stand up in front of a group and acknowledge what they fight about. We’ve heard from multitudes of people who report that just saying “Thank you” to someone typically takes the wind out of an argument that previously might have ended up with the parties having an uncomfortable evening or, in some cases, not talking with each other for days.

Avoid Taking Criticism Personally

When someone points out our mistakes, it can feel as if our skin has been punctured with a sharp instrument. It seems to physically hurt. When this happens, it’s best to acknowledge the pain and then quickly move to a less personal assessment of the complaint or criticism. Heads of government undoubtedly experience the personal frustration that results from devoting their lives to public service, working hard to be responsible for community interests, and then finding themselves at the center of daily attacks. Ed Koch, former mayor of New York City, used to regularly ask residents, “How am I doing?” He would shout the question across the street when he was recognized in public. You can bet that New Yorkers didn’t always give him positive feedback. Contrast this with public officials who have called complaining members of their audience rabble-rousers or troublemakers. Indeed, in some countries, criticism of public officials can result in fines, prison sentences, or even death.

Many times the criticism we receive as service providers isn’t personal, insofar as the person who is criticizing you would likely criticize anyone in your position. In close relationships, however, criticism about behavior is difficult to take as anything but personal—even when it’s offered kindly. For example, if married people tell their partners that they’re putting on more than a little weight, they shouldn’t have raised a certain topic at the dinner table, they’re late again, their snoring keeps them awake at night, they once again forgot to run an errand they promised to do, they were too harsh with the children, they were warned about that near-empty gas tank, they say yes to too many social invitations, they overspent the budget, they left their clothes lying around again, they tracked mud onto the new carpet, or they don’t even know how to change a lightbulb, it’s very difficult for the partners not to take these complaints personally. We rather expect our partners to love everything about us.

An effective personal-complaint policy would enable you to acknowledge the discomfort that comes from the criticism and then quickly shift your attention to see what can be learned. “Ouch! That hurts”—say it aloud if you like, and let the other person know how you feel. Many times the other person has no idea of the impact of his or her words, and one of the biggest myths is that humans don’t get hurt from emotional slights. That old childhood expression “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is patently untrue. The alternative to acknowledging hurt feelings is to nurse them and then either eventually blow up and attack the other person or wait for an opportunity to get back at the person indirectly. We do this by using passive-aggressive strategies, such as withholding information or talking behind the other person’s back.

Distinguish Between Helpful Criticism and Intentional Attacks

Some people aren’t interested in helping you to grow when they criticize. Their aim is to make you feel bad. If you’re committed to using criticism as a part of your personal development, you’ll find it easier to distinguish between attacks and helpful criticism. People are sometimes motivated to attack for reasons that may have nothing to do with you, including the following:

• They are overtired and will attack anyone.

• You just happened to be there. Perhaps they had a bad day or are having a bad life. Anybody would be an appropriate target, and you got in the way.

• You remind them of someone they do not or did not like. It could be their first boss, mother, father, brothers, or sisters. Since these others are not around, they will take their dislike out on you.

• They were ordered to show up at some event or to do something they didn’t want to do. If the person who commanded them to do something isn’t there, they’ll take it out on whoever is in charge.

Seminar leaders frequently are subjected to this last kind of attack from participants who have been ordered to attend an event. Such participants will pick holes in everything they can. Their evaluation may read, “This seminar was a complete waste of time.” They are really trying to let their boss know that they shouldn’t have been sent to the program, but they don’t want to say this directly.

Unfortunately, it’s difficult not to take these frontal assaults somewhat personally. At times service providers are subjected to resentments that should be leveled at someone else. For example, a person may have been ordered to go to the grocery store when he or she didn’t want to, and the check-out clerk gets attacked for a wide range of things that ordinarily would not bother that shopper. If your customers haven’t been expressing their concerns as they happened, you may find yourself on the receiving end of a cumulative attack.

Transactional psychology refers to this behavior as “cashing in green stamps.” Stores used to give people trading stamps as a reward for money spent. People would take these green stamps home and place them in savings books. When the books were full, the shoppers could trade them in for merchandise. People do this with feelings as well. They don’t deal with situations as they occur but save the unresolved situations in stamp books with someone’s name on them. When a book is full, the owner says, “I can’t take this anymore. This is the last straw. I’ve had it!” The stamp book is about to get cashed in, and someone is going to be attacked in a major way, probably over a minor issue.²

Some people take pleasure in making others feel bad because of their own hurt feelings. Perhaps they did something on a previous occasion and were unfairly attacked for doing it, and it feels only fair that someone else get attacked for doing the same thing. Their mission in life has become to shoot someone else down. Children very quickly learn to say no to their younger siblings, reprimanding them and even slapping them—if this is what’s been done to them by their parents. If we don’t resolve our hurt feelings about being attacked unfairly, we can relish taking them out on someone else.

Attacks of this type aren’t personal. They just feel that way. If we are clear about accepting criticism as a means to grow, develop, and improve, then when we face an attack that is being directed at us just because we happen to be there or because the person got upset with us by not resolving old issues, we’re less likely to take the attack personally. We can first ask ourselves, “Can I learn anything from this situation, or was I merely in the path of someone’s unexpressed anger?” If we do this, we’ll more quickly be able to sort out genuine criticism from impersonal attacks.

The Difference Between Nagging and Complaining

It is useful to distinguish between nagging (continually referring to the same issue over and over again for annoyance value) and complaining (an expression of pain or dissatisfaction). People nag for two reasons. The first is that they don’t feel listened to. They want to be heard, but they don’t know how to express their complaint other than to repeat it. It might also be that they want to punish someone by being annoying, so they get into a habit of repeating the same criticism over and over again, even though they know it won’t do any good. They may not even be aware of this complaint pattern. Couples who have been married for a long time sometimes get into this habit. They may actually get along well together, but anyone watching from the outside sees a lot of bickering.

Nagging is a strategy that rarely works. By the time children have heard their parents say a thousand times that they should keep their rooms cleaner, they’re no longer listening. French audiologist Dr. Alfred E. Tomatis, in a fascinating and controversial body of work, has discovered that children become “tone deaf” to the sound pitch of their parents when they nag at them. This deafness even lasts into adulthood.³ Many children dig their heels in when they hear a repeated complaint. They won’t give their parents the “I told you so” satisfaction. Some children so rarely listen to their mothers and fathers that the parents are forced to resort to the reverse psychology of never asking their children to do what they want them to but instead forbidding it.

The second reason why people nag is a more subtle one. Their specific, repeated complaint may be part of a metamessage. Their deeper needs aren’t being met and they’re reluctant to discuss those needs, or they may not be fully aware of what is truly bothering them. So they choose some unattractive or annoying observable trait, characteristic, or behavior of their partner and bring it up over and over again. When two people meet and fall in love, they have all kinds of small quirks that neither will notice, let alone mention as problems. In fact, they may like these peculiar patterns, thinking of them as endearing. After years of not getting their needs met satisfactorily, individuals focus on their partner’s annoying behaviors that have been there all along. They fail to acknowledge and admit that perhaps financial problems, parenting styles, power sharing, sexual frustration, or lack of social stimulation is what really bothers them and focus instead on table manners or tooth-brushing habits or dressing patterns. Perhaps they fear that the basic problems of their relationship are unsolvable. To admit that something as basic as sex is wrong with their relationship might be too threatening, so the couple focuses on smaller, more manageable, and less important issues. However, even if the criticized person changes, the underlying frustration will still be there, and the nagger will find something else to complain about.

Gift Formula for Personal Complaints

With minor adaptations, the eight-step Gift Formula for handling customer complaints can be used for handling personal criticism.

1. Thank the person for the feedback.

2. If you made a mistake, admit it.

3. Apologize—maybe even beg for forgiveness.

4. Promise to do something about it, and then do it.

5. Take steps to improve.

6. Enlist the other person’s help to monitor your progress.

Thank the Person for the Feedback

Express your gratitude to this person for saying something in the same way we have suggested that you thank customers who give you a complaint. Keep in mind that it’s difficult to change if you’re not aware of your mistakes, and someone just offered you an external glimpse at your behavior. It may sometimes be more appropriate to start with an apology rather than a thank-you or to apologize without any thanks. For instance, if you spill red wine on a white carpet and the owner screeches, “You just spilled your wine!” don’t go into a thank-you routine; it makes no sense in such a situation. Start off with an apology (and immediately pour a lot of salt on the wine to draw it out of the carpet).

A few years before his death, Buckminster Fuller, noted inventor and popular lecturer, told a large group how planet centered we are. He said we use the words up and down because we assume everything is centered on planet earth. He suggested we use in and out—in toward the planet and out toward the rest of the universe. He told the group that he was trying to change his own vocabulary and stop saying up and down. At the next break, a young man came up to Fuller and told him that he counted the number of times that Fuller had used up and down in the hour and a half after Fuller had made his point. Fuller immediately wanted to know how many times. “One hundred and twenty-three,” announced the counter. Fuller was aghast. “Thank you for telling me,” he told the young man. “Obviously, I have a long way to go myself,” he said. It would have been easy for Fuller to get defensive. He could have said, “Well, obviously, if you were counting my words, you weren’t listening. What a waste of your time.” But he didn’t. He took it as a gift.

You can express your thanks in a variety of ways: “Thanks for letting me know you are bothered” or “Thanks for telling me. I know that can’t have been easy.” Keep any cynicism out of your voice or you might as well not thank the person. You will make the situation worse. If you can do this, and it’s possible with practice, you will create a little space between your personal feelings and the situation. You will be less likely to lash out and defend yourself. Remind yourself that you’re interested in continuous personal improvement and even if it hurts a little, hearing criticism is one of the more direct and immediate ways to grow.

If You Made a Mistake, Admit It

It also may be helpful to begin by admitting that you’ve made a mistake. Tell the other person, “You’re right.” You lose nothing by doing this, just as a company loses nothing by agreeing that the customer is right. Admitting your mistakes helps to avoid fights as well. If people are out to attack and you simply agree with them, you take away their steam. In fact, if they’ve been harsh in their criticism of you and you agree, they’ll probably backtrack. “Well, actually, I didn’t mean to be so blunt. It isn’t all that bad. Maybe I’m a little tired.”

If, on the other hand, the criticism is unjustified, let it go. Use mental images to avoid taking the attack personally. Visualize yourself as a duck with the criticism running off your back like rainwater. Or see the critique coming toward you as a sharp arrow and then merely step out of the way. You don’t have to be an easy target. You can also remind yourself that with time (and probably less than you think) you’ll forget the attack. Criticism is a small thing in the totality of your life. Regard mistakes as unavoidable and as part of your own learning process. The biggest obstacle to your development is believing that you already know everything. You don’t, and you never will.

If, in the heat of the moment, you are so distracted by the criticism just leveled at you that you forget that you’ve been given a gift, you can always come back later and do some “service recovery” at a personal level. “You remember this afternoon when you criticized me? Well, I didn’t react very positively, and I want to thank you now for taking a risk and telling me how you felt. I know that can’t have been an easy thing to do. And then I blew it by getting angry at you.” It’s never too late to accept a gift.

Apologize

Say you’re sorry. If necessary, even ask for forgiveness. Many of us think that apologizing is easy to do. Actually, it may be one of the more difficult tasks required of any of us. Watch how people struggle to get those words “I’m sorry” out of their mouths. Many people think they give away something if they apologize. Actually, we have a chance of receiving forgiveness if we apologize well. Apologies are one of the most powerful social exchanges between people. Genuine apologies can repair suffering and injured relationships—if delivered from the heart. At the same time, if expressed poorly, apologies can further damage a relationship.

To be effective, an apology must first be specific. When we apologize in response to a criticism, it’s fairly easy to be specific if the person has provided details. If necessary, explain why you behaved in the manner you did. Perhaps you were tired or rushed or overwhelmed. Explain that you did not mean to hurt the person, if appropriate.

Dr. Aaron Lazare, chancellor of the University of Massachusetts Medical Center and an expert on conflict resolution, wrote some ten years ago, “A good apology . . . has to make you suffer. You have to express genuine, soul-searching regret for your apology to be taken as sincere.”⁴ Your remorse should communicate that you’re distressed over hurting the other person, that the relationship means a lot to you, and that you’re disappointed in yourself for your behavior. Lazare advises that you don’t have to wait for criticism to apologize. Remember, dissatisfied customers don’t always complain; many just walk away. In our personal relationships, we don’t have to wait for someone else to say something critical to extend the olive branch, but Lazare emphasizes that every apology needs to be customized to the individual receiving it. That’s why simply saying “Sorry” will rarely work.

More recently, Lazare writes about political apologies that are, in his estimation, meaningless: “But I hope the public won’t be deceived into thinking that these politically motivated demands for apology and their responses are in any way representative of the true process of apology. A successful apology—a real apology—results in the dissolution of grudges and reconciliation between two parties. The offended parties feel like they have received ‘gifts’ and usually attempt to offer ‘gifts’ in return. People are brought together, not pushed apart. The thirst for ‘apologizing’ in Washington these days, though, is all about pushing apart. If you ask me, it’s a sorry spectacle, indeed.”⁵

An article in Yale Law Journal talks about apologies as “powerful forces in everyday life.”⁶ The authors argue that in criminal law cases, apologies are not a substitute for punishment, but they do enable the victims to begin the healing process. Some attorneys have made the point that apologies are virtually absent in American law. This may account for the huge amount of lawsuits that are filed. People fear that they’re admitting liability if they apologize.⁷

Some CEOs are getting the message that apologizing to stakeholders has advantages. The means that some are using is the annual report, in which they openly discuss their mistakes. David Stewart, chairman of Addison Corporate Annual Reports and producer of annual reports for several major corporations, says, “The business environment is going to dictate more CEO candor. If you don’t analyze your mistakes first, there is sure as hell somebody today who will.”⁸ William Dunk, a New York–based management consultant, thinks that the “CEO mea culpa” is a very healthy sign “because until you own up to your problems you don’t have a chance of solving them.”⁹ Ben & Jerry’s, the very successful and slightly off beat premium ice cream company, apologized about and explained its number one customer complaint in its annual report—inadequate amounts of “chunky goodies” in its pints of ice cream. Apparently, the mixing process makes it difficult to evenly distribute all the goodies, and while some customers hit the jackpot with lots of Heath Bar chunks in their containers, some customers get anemic ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s quality control efforts don’t always cull all the less chunky pints. “We’re sorry” the company said in an appealing Ben & Jerry’s way, and probably anyone who reads this statement won’t feel so bad the next time he or she happens to get one of the cartons that’s a little stingy on chunky goodies.

Sometimes a kind of symbolic atonement is necessary to truly demonstrate that you’re sorry. In business, this can mean giving the customer something—reduced prices, coupons for future work, or small gifts. In our personal lives, it may mean giving a gift, though you must be careful not to expect that the gift buys forgiveness. The authors have seen couples abuse each other, send flowers in atonement, and then get upset when the flowers don’t generate absolution. The follow-up gifts, which are tokens, mean something only if the apology was sincere in the first place.

In business, an apology can regain business you may have lost in the past—perhaps when you weren’t even around. Such an apology is particularly powerful because the person will know you didn’t cause the original problem. “I’m so sorry that happened. I realize I wasn’t here at the time, but nonetheless our reputation was on the line. I hope you will give me a chance to make it up to you. I will personally do everything I can so this doesn’t happen again.”

Obviously, a strong apology will mean a lot to someone who is close to you. It also communicates a strong message in the more impersonal relationships between buyers and sellers or customers and service providers. With a little practice, we can all become better at expressing our regret over mistakes that happen. This, in turn, enables us all to let go of problems faster, heal past wounds, and move on in our behaviors and relationships. Sometimes people say, “I will never, ever forgive you for that.” This is a shame, as holding on to anger and blame is a heavy burden. Apologies are a major impetus to forgiveness. If we apologize well, the other person can more easily forgive us. But the phrase “I’m sorry” isn’t enough by itself. The person saying it must demonstrate that he or she means it and is willing to do something about it.

Promise to Do Something About It, and Then Do It

Just as we need to fix grievances for a dissatisfied customer, so too must we act to fix personal mistakes. For example, if someone calls you on the telephone and lets you know that you were late in picking him or her up as you promised, think how the following words could smooth hurt feelings: “Thanks for calling me right away. My behavior was thoughtless. I got so involved with my work, I didn’t even notice what time it was. I’m so sorry. You must be really annoyed with me [or worried sick that something happened to me]. Can you ever forgive me? I’ll leave the house right away.” And then go pick the person up! And don’t be late the next time, either.

Take Steps to Improve

You may need to be reminded more than once to make improvements. It’s possible you’ll have to analyze your pattern to find out if some fundamental conflict rests underneath it. Many of us get side benefits from behaviors that are useless and annoying to others. Perhaps we get attention, or perhaps if we don’t do something and hold out long enough, someone else will take care of a problem for us. Maybe we have some deep-seated fear that if we do something, something bad will happen. For example, we knew a young couple who eventually broke up. The woman refused to take any criticism because of her lack of self-confidence and a tremendous fear that dealing with criticism would bring up emotions that she couldn’t handle. The issues that her boyfriend wanted to address were not insolvable issues. But her fear was a major issue.

Enlist the Other Person’s Help to Monitor Your Progress

You may need to ask the person criticizing you to help you make long-term changes. Encourage him or her to remind you whenever you engage in this particular behavior. Share the fact that you want to change but that without feedback, it’s difficult to do so. There is a good chance that the way you hear about this behavior in the future will be considerably different from how you were told the first time. You are now in partnership with the other person. And whenever you repeat this behavior, you can use a slightly modified Ronald Reagan line, “There I go again. Thanks for reminding me.” Humor always helps.

Check Your Level of Reaction to Criticism

Below are five different reactions to personal criticism. You can think about them as levels of ability to learn from other people.

1. You don’t openly admit that you made a mistake. In fact, you reject the criticism outright and go on the attack. You remind the other person of mistakes he or she has made. “Look who’s talking,” you may say. You point out that when someone else did the same thing, nothing was said.

2. You reluctantly admit your mistake, spending time and energy explaining why you did what you did and emphasizing that you aren’t the only one to do this.

3. You openly admit that you made a mistake and apologize, but secretly you feel unjustly attacked. If you do change, it takes you awhile to overcome your negative feelings.

4. You choose to take the criticism positively and thank the person for pointing this out to you. You thank him or her for taking an interest in you, apologize if necessary, and correct the mistake immediately.

5. You take the criticism as an opportunity to improve. Not only do you correct the mistake immediately, but you thoroughly investigate the reason for it. You find ways to avoid making the same mistake again. Perhaps you even get back to the person who criticized you and let him or her know what you have done as a result of the feedback.

To check how you react to personal feedback, picture the following situations and mark, from 1 to 5 as described above, what your likely reaction would be. In each of these situations, imagine that you know deep down that these people are right in what they say about you, even though they may not be perfect themselves.

• A close friend complains that you are never available to spend time with him or her anymore.

• A work colleague criticizes you for your sloppy follow-through: you promised to do something and you didn’t.

• Your boss lets you know that you keep arriving late to staff meetings, and this creates problems for everyone in attendance.

• Your children tell you that you are always criticizing them. “Don’t you love us anymore?” they ask.

• Someone in your household complains that you always leave a mess in the bathroom that he or she has to clean up.

• You show up late for an appointment with a colleague. Your co-worker says something negative about this to you, even though he or she frequently keeps you waiting.

• A friend tells you that you talk too much and are always trying to dominate the conversation, especially at parties.

• Your staff lets you know through an anonymous feedback survey that they think your managerial style leaves something to be desired.