4

Taking Charge of Your ADD: Social Skills

In the preceding chapter we considered a range of ADD traits (and patterns often found associated with ADD) in terms of their direct effect on job performance. An essential part of performing your job, however, depends on your ability to work well with others. Let’s go back, then, and reconsider these same ADD traits from an interpersonal point of view.

Why All This Emphasis on Social Skills?

In their book When Smart People Fail, Carole Hyatt and Linda Gottlieb describe their investigation of career failures among a group of smart, talented people in a broad range of professions.¹ They concluded that the most critical factor, by far, in career failure is related to interpersonal problems. No matter how talented and capable you may be, you cannot afford to ignore the importance of learning how to cooperate with others, to read social cues, to work as a team member, to remain aware of how your attitudes and habits affect those you work with.

Social skills can be even more critical for adults with ADD. By paying attention to your effect on others, by cooperating with them, and by showing consideration and tolerance of differences, you can build up goodwill, like credit in the bank, that you can later draw on if your ADD inadvertently causes problems for others. If your coworkers know you, feel close to you, like you, and trust you, then you have a lot more leeway to make mistakes—and opportunity to learn from those mistakes. By making sure that your positives outweigh the negatives, some of your mistakes will be either tolerated or overlooked.

Tuning In to Your Effect on Others in the Workplace

The majority of the interpersonal difficulties created by adults with ADD are completely unintentional and are often created even without awareness.² In fact, awareness of behavior patterns that may cause interpersonal difficulties is the first and most crucial step toward reducing those patterns. Let’s look at some of the most common ways someone with ADD might unintentionally step on others’ toes at work.

After reading this chapter, if you recognize some of these patterns in yourself, it may be useful for you to work with a counselor on making changes. Additionally, if you have a trusted coworker who can give you a friendly hint when you are overstepping boundaries in the workplace, you can make a correction more quickly. A quick, sincere apology followed by genuine efforts to change a problem behavior will go a long way toward smoothing ruffled feathers.

Good Citizenship at Work

In any discussion of social skills in the workplace, a good place to start is with the basics—the nuts and bolts of good manners and the basic ingredients of good citizenship in the organization. The workplace is a community of individuals engaged in interconnected, cooperative efforts who must spend the majority of their waking hours together. Learning to pay attention to the basics of good citizenship in that community is essential to improving your functioning as an adult with ADD.

Good citizenship at work may at times be more challenging for adults with ADD. Why? Because good citizenship involves attention to complex group interactions. It involves continuously monitoring your effect on others while you simultaneously go about your work. For adults with ADD this dual focus is often difficult to maintain. They may become so intent on the point they are making in a verbal discussion that they are unaware that they have become argumentative rather than persuasive. Likewise, they may become so wrapped up in their work that they forget, for example, that they have promised to phone a colleague. Furthermore, they may be completely unaware that their tapping, fidgeting, or chair tipping is annoying to those around them.

ADD Patterns and Interpersonal Friction in the Workplace

Let’s take a look at some of the ADD patterns that may cause problems in the interpersonal arena at work.

Punctuality

Is “Always late, but worth the wait” your motto? Well, don’t bank on it, or you’ll run your “good will account” into the debit column. No matter how hard you work or how brilliant your contribution, the impressions you make through lateness tend to endure. Chronic lateness suggests lack of discipline, lack of organization, and lack of professionalism. Routinely arriving late for meetings gives the impression that you consider your time more valuable than that of your coworkers. Some time management suggestions are shown on page 46.

Procrastination

Putting things off puts people off!³ While many ADD adults are quite aware of their tendency to procrastinate and the problems it causes them, they may be less aware of the negative impact their procrastination has on others. These patterns almost always have a negative impact on coworkers. Unless your projects are entirely independent (which is rarely the case), your procrastination is likely to create frustration and resentment among the other members of your team. Often they cannot complete some portion of their own work until they have received yours.

One man caused such frustration among his fellow researchers by completing his work consistently late over the course of years that several members of his team went to great lengths to terminate their long-term relationship with him.

• Create a series of intermediate deadlines.

• Meet regularly with team members and set short-term goals; weekly goals, and even daily ones, can be very helpful in avoiding procrastination on large long-term projects.

• Identify activities that are most likely to produce procrastination (these are often tasks that involve paperwork, such as writing summaries, reports, articles, or budgets) and try to organize the project so that you have reduced responsibility for such tasks.

• Team up with someone who is less likely to procrastinate.

• Volunteer for activities that are immediate and that therefore cannot be put off.

• Don’t expect your procrastination to be tolerated. Apologize when it occurs and make genuine efforts to make amends.

Remember:

When You Are the Newcomer

When you begin a new job, you have entered foreign territory. Until you have been on the job long enough to be an insider, it is important to recognize your newcomer status. This means getting the lay of the land, understanding the politics of your new office environment, before venturing to express your own opinions. This prolonged period of reticence can be difficult for some adults with ADD. By impulsively expressing their opinions or asking indiscreet questions they may unwittingly offend their coworkers, thereby making their acceptance in the new work environment more difficult. Here are some tips for newcomers:

• If you have ideas for changes or innovations, write them down. This will help you restrain yourself, and they may prove valuable later. Look for someone who seems friendly and approachable. He or she may be able to introduce you to the interpersonal landscape of your new job.

• Engage in self-talk. Remind yourself repeatedly that you need to “stop, look, and listen” rather than barge in too soon.

• Don’t jump in with both feet. They may not like the splash you make!

Space and Time Invasion

Many ADD adults may unintentionally create in others a feeling of being invaded. Without awareness or intention, adults with ADD are prone to interrupt conversations, borrow items (owing to their disorganization) and forget to return them, and spread their belongings around in a way that interferes with others. These tendencies are among the behaviors that you should be hypervigilant about, especially when you enter a new work environment. Consider the following solutions:

• Look for ways to confine your work and belongings to a circumscribed area.

• Make it a top priority to obtain needed items for yourself rather than continue to borrow from others.

• Always ask first—don’t assume it’s OK to use or borrow something.

• Always ask, “Have you got a minute?” Then keep it to a minutel

• Look closely for cues that your coworker is busy and wants to terminate the discussion.

Need for Stimulation (Intolerance of Routine)

Due to a strong need for stimulation, some adults with ADD can stir up extra work and extra trouble for coworkers. You may cause resentment as you leave the “dirty work” to others while you buzz off to create something new and interesting. To avoid such resentment:

• Don’t just assume that someone else will pick up the pieces.

• Look for jobs in which your assigned work is stimulating so that you are not continually looking for other tasks.

• Take on your fair share of the work that no one really cares to do!

• Be aware that others are not comfortable with your fast pace and need for stimulation.

• Be careful not to make more work for others as you seek new projects for yourself.

Paperwork

The extent to which your difficulty in handling paperwork affects others depends on how important completion of paperwork is to your job function. Nevertheless, your paperwork problems are bound to have a negative impact to some extent in any job. No matter how well you do other aspects of your job, if you misfile, don’t file, can’t find important documents, don’t turn in time sheets routinely, and miss details, you will likely be seen as careless and as someone who can’t really be depended on. Here are some coping techniques:

• Keep your filing system as simple as possible so that you will be more likely to file. (One man with ADD developed a filing system that consisted of a dozen boxes, clearly labeled and kept on shelves. Although it was not an elegant system, he found that he could at least get himself to toss papers in the appropriate box whereas with a more traditional filing system he tended to accumulate unfiled stacks of paper randomly situated throughout his office.)

• Filing systems that are easily accessible seem to work best. (Some ADD adults work well with files in open carts, which can be seen and easily accessed.)

• Color-coded filing systems often work better for adults with ADD. (Color code by broad category; for example, have one color for files you need to access frequently.)

• Whenever possible, avoid jobs that entail a great deal of filing and paperwork.

• If you file early in the day, the chore is more likely to get done.

Organization

An ADD adult’s problems with organization have the same sorts of impact on coworkers as his or her problems with time management and paperwork. Your own disorganization spills over and affects the work of others. By working reactively rather than proactively, you are consciously or unconsciously depending on others to cue you as to what to do next.

• The single most important thing you can do to improve your organization is to buy a day planner, take a training course on its use, and actively work toward the habit of using it to plan your day, week, and month.

• Adopt a “do it now or write it down” rule.

• Look for ways to simplify your job—disorganization increases with complexity.

• Ask for assistance from your supervisor in setting work priorities.

Tuning Others Out

Some people with ADD become so task focused that they overlook the tremendous importance of keeping the social wheels oiled at the office. This doesn’t mean that you have to join in the gossip at the watercooler, but a friendly smile and a quick hello are essential to good working relationships.

If you unintentionally ignore others while hyperfocusing on your work, it will require an active effort on your part to change your pattern. Recognizing that social interaction in the workplace is essential is the first step (some people with ADD tend to live in a cocoon of preoccupation, with little awareness of the reactions of others).

You cannot operate effectively in an organization if you are in a social vacuum. Through interaction with others you develop networks, partnerships, and alliances and learn of important events and changes in the organization. Once you make a decision to change your social patterns, it will take conscious effort to develop new habits. Some approaches:

• Make a regular lunch date with coworkers.

• Arrive early at meetings in order to have an opportunity to talk.

• Make a conscious effort to greet people in the morning and to say good-bye before departing in the evening.

Distracting Others from Their Work

For others with ADD the problem is not ignoring coworkers but talking to them too much. Some people with ADD, particularly those who are extroverts, have a strong need to talk about ideas that have occurred to them. They may become so engrossed in expressing themselves that they ignore the nonverbal social cues that their listener has work to do and would like to terminate the discussion. If you have this problem, here are some coping techniques:

• If you need to talk, go to a place where social interaction is expected (e.g., the lounge or coffee shop).

• Avoid monopolozing the time of support staff and recognize that many have desks in open areas because much of their work requires that they be available to others. Catch yourself if you have a tendency, owing to your ADD talkativeness, to stretch a friendly greeting into a 20-minute monologue.

• Write down your ideas.

• Make regular lunch dates where longer conversations are appropriate.

• Look for work that entails a high degree of interpersonal interaction.

Memory Difficulties

Not remembering important details others have told you, not remembering to follow through on promises you have made, not remembering to return borrowed items—all of these are typical and unintentional behaviors. Yet they can lead to tremendous resentment on the part of your coworkers if they recur repeatedly. What can you do? Your memory will never become perfect, but there are a number of things you can do to ease the situation (for more suggestions, refer to the section on memory in Chapter 3).

• Ask for things in writing.

• Write things down yourself—in a consistent, well-organized fashion (e.g., by using a day planner).

• Apologize sincerely, and make amends through some small gesture if your memory lapse has negatively affected someone else.

Hyperactivity/Restlessness

Your hyperactivity and restlessness can lead to clear expressions of your impatience with others or of your intolerance of the slow process of group decision making. Some ADD adults may come across like a bulldozer, pushing people to “get to the point” and badgering them with questions like “What’s taking so long?” and exclamations like “Let’s go; I don’t have all day!” If you recognize yourself in this description, here are some suggestions:

• Look for work that allows a high degree of independent functioning.

• Explain your restlessness with humor so that coworkers don’t misinterpret it as disinterest.

• Volunteer for those aspects of group projects that require less interactive efforts.

• Look for a high energy work environment.

• Use self-talk and relaxation exercises to calm yourself in situations in which you are likely to become impatient (e.g., meetings).

Disappearing Acts

Restlessness and hyperactivity can also lead to “disappearing acts” at work. Do your boss and coworkers make jokes about never being able to find you? Being on-the-go may be a way you have learned to deal with your ADD, but if it comes at the expense of your coworkers, or if it gives the impression that you are goofing off, then you need to find a better coping device. Some suggestions:

• Establish that you really are working but need a change of scenery.

• Obtain permission to go home early or to work in a different part of the building.

• Always tell others where you can be found.

• Be sure to build exercise into each workday.

Social Faux Pas in Meetings

A good deal of the interpersonal interaction in an organization takes place in meetings. To many adults with ADD, meetings may seem pointless, inefficient, or boring. Some of the most common social faux pas committed by ADD adults in meetings are the following:

Try the following suggestions instead:

• Ask for feedback about your social behavior in meetings from a trusted friend or colleague as you try to become aware of and change your negative behaviors.

• Take notes at meetings to help slow you down, make you more aware of your thoughts before speaking, and help break your pattern of interrupting for fear you will lose the thought you wanted to express.

• Develop the habit of writing your ideas down before you express them. This will help focus your remarks, avoiding tangents; give you the added time to express yourself more diplomatically; and eliminate your need to blurt out your thought for fear you will forget it.

Other Problematic Communication Patterns

Launching into a Monologue

Some adults with ADD are prone to give long monologues. Once they launch into a topic, they become totally engrossed and are much less likely to attend to nonverbal cues that their listener has lost interest. Skilled conversation requires flexible shifting, eye contact, and ongoing attention to the other person’s responses. If you tend to monologue, try the following:

• Catch yourself before your monologue begins.

• Indicate to your trapped listener that you realize you’ve gone on far too long, and apologize with humor.

• Ask questions to allow your listener to change the subject.

• Look directly at the other person.

• Keep your focus on the other person’s ideas and paraphrase what you have heard to show you’ve listened.

Distractibility

Many adults with ADD are highly distractible. While they are talking with someone at work, their attention may be uncontrollably drawn away by sights and sounds, giving an impression of disinterest. If this happens to you, try the following solutions:

• Explain that you are easily distracted.

• Suggest going to a less distracting place to continue the conversation.

• Be sure to give your coworkers the impression that you are interested in what they say.

• Suggest a specific time to continue the discussion if a coworker catches you when you are preoccupied.

Bluntness

Bluntness is saying the first thing that comes to mind without considering the possible consequences. Some adults with ADD, unfortunately, congratulate themselves on their “honesty” instead of recognizing the harm they may do to others—and the harm they are doing to themselves in the process. It is quite possible to be direct and honest without being destructively critical, angry, or belittling. Follow these steps:

• First, recognize that your bluntness is seldom seen as refreshing candor and is often harmful.

• Practice slowing down your responses in conversations. Give yourself time to stop and think.

• Do some advanced planning. If you need to broach a particularly sensitive topic with a coworker, think about what you’d like to say, write it down, and possibly even discuss your approach with someone else in order to find a constructive way to discuss a negative topic.

• If bluntness is the result of frustration or anger, remove yourself until you feel more calm.

Hypersensitivity to Criticism

Ironically, although some ADD adults can be blunt with others, they themselves are often hypersensitive to criticism or negative feedback. This hypersensitivity results both from a physiological predisposition to overreact emotionally and from a lifetime of criticism for ADD behaviors. Such hypersensitivity in the workplace can make relationships touchy and difficult.

If a colleague makes a mild complaint and your reaction is one of defensiveness, or anger, you have begun to create a relationship in which collaboration becomes less and less likely. It is the job of your direct supervisor to give you feedback, both positive and negative, if your reaction to negative feedback is emotional, defensive, or angry, your supervisor will begin to conclude that you are a difficult person to work with. To prevent these consequences, consider the following suggestions:

• If your reactions to criticism are intense, these are issues you may need to work on in therapy.

• Look for work with a supervisor who is calm and supportive.

• Look for ways to solve problems and ease the tensions before strong feelings develop.

• Lower your stress to lower your overreactions.

• Recognize and reduce your contact with people who lead you to overreact.

• Temper reactions in ADD adults can be triggered by work that requires them to function in an area of weakness for them, causing tension and frustration. Both stress and the overreaction to it are likely to increase when ADD adults feel they must keep their difficulty in functioning secret. (More about this in the next chapter on problems in cognitive functioning.)

• Avoid or minimize tasks which are difficult and frustrating; you’re more prone to emotional reactions when functioning in an area of weakness.

Difficulty Accepting Guidance or Direction from Others

Some, but not all, adults with ADD prefer to operate independently and experience great difficulty in accepting the guidance or direction of others. ADD adults who choose to work alone run a risk, however, if they also have poor organizational skills and/or a strong tendency to procrastinate.

Finding the ideal balance between freedom and structure can prove difficult. Some ADD adults achieve this balance by collaborating with a well-selected business partner or office manager; not infrequently, the spouse fills this role.

There are some fields where there is no choice but to work in tandem with others and under the supervision of others. If you are in this position, here are some approaches you can take that may lessen your discomfort:

• The most important comfort factor lies in the match between yourself and your supervisor (read Chapter 10, The Ideal Boss).

• Depending on the strength of your reaction to feeling “micromanaged,” the nature of your supervisor may be one of the most important factors to consider in looking for a good job match.

• Even in group projects there are certain tasks that require less interaction and coordination with others. Look for and request such tasks.

• Examine your own reactions to supervision. You may be able to alter defensive reactions to improve relations between you and your supervisor.

Conclusion

This chapter has discussed a range of potential interpersonal glitches that may be caused by certain types of ADD traits and reactions. The following points are intended as a general summary of ways to improve your interpersonal functioning in the workplace.

❶	Explain yourself. Don’t make excuses. Recognize your effect on coworkers. Explain that your patterns of reaction are sometimes out of your control. Most importantly, explain that you are making efforts to change those patterns.
❷	Catch yourself. Just because you become aware of patterns doesn’t mean they will automatically disappear! Don’t become overly critical of yourself when you repeat problematic patterns. Just try to catch yourself and make a midcourse correction.
❸	Apologize. When you catch yourself doing something that may have bothered a coworker, acknowledge it and apologize. It is much easier for others to feel tolerant and supportive of ADD adults who are aware and concerned about their effect on their coworkers.
❹	Develop positive habits. Don’t just focus on the negative. Deliberately look for positive interpersonal habits that can compensate, in some ways, for negative behaviors not completely under your control. Some adults with ADD learn these habits instinctively; they use humor, tell entertaining stories, extend friendly greetings, and take the time to pay attention to, and do small personal favors for others. If you are genuinely warm and friendly but still have trouble being on time for meetings or turning in your expense report, your ADD lapses will be balanced in the eyes of others by your efforts to consider them and their feelings.
❺	Look for work that is more independent in nature. There is tremendous variety in work situations. Some jobs involve close and constant interaction with others while many other jobs can be performed with a much greater degree of independence. Look for work that provides the right balance between external structure and support on the one hand and freedom to do your own thing on the other.
❻	Look for an ADD-friendly work environment. Look for an environment where your ADD behaviors will be more readily tolerated, for example, (1) where you have more independence, (2) where you are not closely supervised or required to work closely with others, (3) where the atmosphere is more casual, and (4) where the product is more important than the process. Workplace environments that are more casual and less rule-bound are more likely to tolerate aberrations on your part. But remember, no matter where you work—and even if you work only with your spouse—you cannot assume that anything goes and that you don’t need to worry about your effect on others. Even the tolerance level of a loyal spouse can be surpassed!

A Final Note on Social Skills

Many adults with ADD have excellent social skills and are drawn into careers that take full advantage of them. Other adults with ADD, those who may experience difficulties and frustration in a corporate environment, are enormously successful in the entrepreneurial world, where they have more freedom, autonomy, and opportunity to create a work world that stimulates and challenges them in positive ways.

Don’t become too hard on yourself. Social skills are habits that take repeated practice. With a sense of humor about your foibles, with a genuine desire to get along with others, and perhaps with the assistance of a counselor or therapist, you can make good progress toward improving your on-the-job relationships.