In 2010, I was working full-time as Group Marketing Director for Oroton Group, Australia & New Zealand, looking after the Oroton and Ralph Lauren brands. My professional life looked glamorous, at least on paper. It was jammed with fashion shoots, invitations to international fashion weeks, store opening events and media parties. Yet personally, my husband and I were juggling full-time jobs with three children under seven and all that comes with that.

Life was frantic, to say the least, and I felt like I was constantly giving to others and giving nothing to myself. My days were spent giving to my team, media, clients and suppliers, and reporting back to the fabulous Ralph Lauren team in New York. I felt drained. Everything revolved around industry-specific, sometimes superficial, surface-level chit-chat or conversations about managing mother guilt and how to chase the infamous work–life balance.

As much as I was enjoying all I was doing, I felt lonely and disconnected. I didn't have like-minded people around me I could talk to about current challenges, big-picture thinking or decisions I had to make, and I certainly didn't feel like I was feeding my brain. I was existing (albeit not very well at times) rather than being.

I remember one evening thinking to myself that there must be other women out there like me. Women who wanted to keep growing and developing their thinking and mastery. Women who wanted to build personal success as well as nurture a family and friends. Women who wanted to keep achieving more.

And so, one day I decided I was going to host a private dinner to fulfil my need for great connection and smart, deep conversation. I reached out to eight Sydney-based businesswomen I respected and admired and invited them to join me for dinner.

At this dinner we talked about successes and challenges. We debated future thinking. It felt amazing to have smart conversations with savvy business leaders. My heart and mind were full of support, understanding and new ideas to think about. And I wasn't the only one to feel this way. At the end of this dinner I was asked if I could host another dinner and if they could extend the invitation to a friend.

Over the course of the next few months I hosted more and more dinners. The networks forming were incredible as we realised that we're all exactly the same, facing our own personal and professional challenges with the desire to drive commercial success for ourselves and each other.

After a fair bit of number crunching, soul searching and asking myself ‘What if?, ‘Could I?' and ‘Is this possible?' I decided to leave my full-time corporate career, put on my big girl pants and bootstrap my own networking business. In June 2011, on my 40th birthday, I officially launched the LBDGroup as a membership-based business. Yes, I was absolutely petrified. Yes, I was fearful about making the wrong decision. But I also knew I had to give it a go. The evidence and demand were there — it was more about whether I was brave enough to step through the door and try.

Over the next eight years the LBDGroup grew from strength to strength, launching nationally across Australia and testing the platform in London and Singapore. We hosted monthly networking dinners, think tanks, conferences, retreats and learning webinars, and extended our impact philanthropically through the development of the First Seeds Fund, a gift-giving circle committed to supporting women and children at the grass roots of Australia.

I really love this quote from Brené Brown as I think it sums up the essence of the LBDGroup: ‘Live-tweeting your bikini wax is not vulnerability. Nor is posting a blow-by-blow of your divorce. That's an attempt to hot-wire connection. But you can't cheat real connection. It's built up slowly. It's about trust and time.'

Networking is more than handing out business cards, superficial shallow business conversation, the well-rehearsed elevator pitch or learning the ‘seven easy steps'.

I feel truly blessed to have met all the amazing women who have been part of LBDGroup (which I've since sold) and doubly blessed that so many continue to be part of my world. I smile deeply when I see connection and collaboration still having its ripple effect even after all these years, and I'm truly excited to support and watch the next phase of LBDGroup as it continues to evolve and grow.

This is the power of networking the right way. As Desmond Tutu so rightly said, ‘A person is a person through other persons; you can't be human in isolation, you are human only in relationships'.

Connect and be human

One of the first questions I ask during my keynotes or training sessions is, ‘So how many of you love networking?' And I reckon on average only 5–10 per cent of the room will put their hand up.

The rest would rather hide under the table at events, avoiding conversation or eye contact — or even more likely, stay home doing something they find much more fun than meeting and chatting to strangers. Most of them will cite disliking the superficial conversation, a feeling of being sold to or the fakeness of the situation.

There's no doubt that many of us feel:

1. networking is a chore
2. networking is something people have to do when they want something: that new job, that business lead, that advice.

Networking needs a reframe because it is, ultimately, all about connection. Connection is about being yourself. And being yourself is about being human.

And yet we appear to be living in an age of extremes. On the one hand obsessing about the quantity of ‘friends', connections and the size of the databases we're trying to build. On the other, struggling with the busyness of life and keeping in touch with said ‘friends'.

We're suffering with a deficiency of time to pay any depth of attention to anything. Often, time is spread so thinly that the depth of connection is not deep at all; surface level conversations and discussions become as normal as a debate about the weekend's weather, and we're so caught up in quantity that we forget that the best things do, in fact, come in small packages.

In this world of disconnection, we all have to slow down to initiate deeper connection with each other.

Everyone needs a network. It doesn't matter what you do, what level you operate on, what industry you're in, or whether you work for an organisation or are out on your own.

So how do we network in a way that feeds our hearts and our minds?

How do we build connections that really matter so that we feel connected and supported — so that we can leverage who we are to become and all we want to be?

How do we do it in a way that's more than the transactional swapping of business cards, the click of a ‘like' button or an ‘add' to the mailing list?

First, you need to unlearn everything you've been told to date about networking and ask yourself:

• Who is in my network now?
• Who should be in my network now?
• How can we work together as a group to effect change?

Building a network for personal brilliance is about:

• connecting and collaborating with the right people
• openly sharing knowledge and insights with individuals who understand, at a deeper level, our goals and aspirations
• knowing that when we learn to move together we start to move faster.

We need to find, develop and nurture the right network to become more brilliant today and even more brilliant tomorrow.

Be intentional

Kara Atkinson is the founder and CEO of SPARC | The Sales Leader Network and The Sales Recruiter. She first connected with me over a love of books.

‘I'm an avid consumer of business books and have three to four on the go at any one time,' she said. ‘I love to get to the guts of a book quickly so there aren't many I can think of that I've completely consumed beginning to end, but I was gifted your book, It's Who You Know at a conference. I thought I knew everything about networking. I mean, I've got more than 10 000 LinkedIn connections for starters, so I flippantly leafed through it before I read the introduction. When I saw your claim that you only need 12 people in your network to create real influence and impact, it stopped me dead! I cancelled my dinner plans and read the book cover to cover. It blew my mind.

‘After a night spent stalking you online, I was surprised to bump into you at the conference the next day. I stuck my hand out and said, “Hi, you don't know me, but I think we need to be in each other's life”.'

Fast-forward two years, and Kara and I still work, and still socialise, together and Kara's recruitment company has tripled in size. But better than that, Kara realised that her 20-year-plus headhunting business had to evolve from the commodity and transactions facilitated by her industry. Connecting with intent to create long-lasting relationships is the heart of everything she now does. It has led her to create and found SPARC | The Sales Leader Network, the only global network exclusively for sales leaders. It's a safe space where sales leaders can have a blood-on-the-wall conversation with no ramifications, a place where they can learn and challenge their thinking. Ultimately, at the heart of this network is collaboration and a genuine desire to see others soar.

Kara's story demonstrates the power of connecting with intent and now she's passing this know-how on to create an opportunity for others to experience the same. There's no doubt in my mind that connecting with intent matters — for you and for those you connect with.

Networking the right way requires interest in others and a curiosity to explore what magic can be created together. It's about putting yourself in someone else's world and getting curious about what you can do to help first and foremost. It's about putting others' success and career above your own, focusing on what you can give and nurturing the value in the relationship.

So how well are you connecting with intent right now?

Are you just spraying out LinkedIn connections and hoping for the best? Or are you putting yourself out there, being curious about opportunities to connect with people on a deeper level?

Your inner circle

At the 2019 Australian Open Novak Djokovic won the men's singles title for a record-breaking seventh time. In his acceptance speech he talked to the fact that a year earlier he'd been undergoing surgery and that without the collective effort of his team he couldn't have achieved this title. He thanked his coaching team one by one for developing the formula for him that's working, and he thanked his inner circle, his family, for their unparalleled support through tough times.

In my previous book, It's Who You Know, I share that we really only need 12 key people (not 1200!) to drive and support our success. I developed and tested this framework on the back of research and many, many, interviews with successful thought leaders, consultants, leaders and more. I examined how people manage their corporate careers, how they maintained relationships as they moved companies and countries and how they build solid, deep and long-lasting connections. Connections that inspire, share, add value, encourage and motivate. Connections that transform.

Since publishing that book in 2017, I've spoken, trained and mentored thousands of individuals around the world in this thinking around strategically building a network of ‘you' to support your professional and personal growth and success. I've helped vice presidents of technology companies use the framework to find their next role after being made redundant after 20 years with a company; CEOs develop their support team at a new company; founders of start-ups develop their network to help get their idea off the ground; introverted executives achieve their next career move; CMOs and property executives get the job of their dreams overseas; and executives move to senior roles.

This powerful network of you is more than a pocketful of business cards, a database full of contacts, a list of ‘friends' on social media (all of which I accept are needed for lead generation and business growth).

Rather, your key 12 add an additional powerful layer of awesomeness to you. They understand you, your goals and your dreams for success. They respect your strengths and your imperfections, the areas you rock at and the areas you need support in. They provide quality thinking and behaviours, and push you further than you could ever go alone.

Your inner circle has to evolve over time as you continually initiate new connections aligned to your current business or personal needs. It needs to be diverse, cross-functional and boundary spanning, providing critical insight, ideation, thought and opinion to challenge and add to your existing thinking.

The key 12 people I share as part of the ‘it's who you know' networking framework are categorised into four groups, and you really need just one person in each of the four groups to begin with.

1. Promoters

These are the people who will help you achieve more, the individuals who always see more in you than you see in yourself. They see possibility where you see impossibility. They're a cheerleader, an explorer and an inspirer. Your own personal cheerleading squad. They're with you by your side through thick or thin, never giving up on you, always dreaming big with you. Promoters pull you towards your future dreams, make noise about potential possibilities, spend time with you to explore how you're going to achieve your goals and inspire you to become more.

Need more proof? According to research from the Center for Talent Innovation, people with promoters (aka sponsors) are 23 per cent more likely to move up in their career than those without sponsors. In addition, a 2011 study from the Center for Work-Life Policy published by the Harvard Business Review found that active promotion of others can result in as much as a 30 per cent increase in promotions, pay rises and projects for the person being sponsored.

So, who's flying your flag right now?

Who's helping promote you?

2. Pit crew

Climbing the success ladder can be a lonely task. The journey requires grit, determination and perseverance. We all experience days of frustration and disappointment, days when we have to face our fears, make tough decisions, push past failures and keep focused on opportunities that lie outside our comfort zone.

Your pit crew doesn't care about what you do, how much money you earn or any of the materialistic trappings of success. They care about you. They're there to help keep you mentally tough and balanced, your feet on the ground, and your mental and physical health in check.

Like a Formula One pit stop, your pit crew can make or break a race. They add stamina to run the marathon of your dreams, to navigate complexities and recover from setbacks. They help you learn from mistakes and keep pushing you on. They celebrate your wins, remind you of your achievements and keep it real.

Who would you say you have in your network now looking out for you?

Who celebrates the highs and catches you when you fall?

3. Teachers

A life of continuous learning is essential to growth. Successful people know this; that's why they have an insatiable desire and commitment to learn more, in more ways than one.

Harvard professor Linda Hill says, ‘You can't think of something new unless you are being pushed to think in new directions, and you can't do that unless you are engaging with people who have a different viewpoint'.

The right teachers teach you mastery, guide and stretch your thinking, challenge your ideas, and encourage you to push further because they know that this constant curiosity creates real opportunity for growth, achievement and success. They're an architect, a professor and an influencer. They may have been there and done that too but will ultimately be someone you're learning from.

Do you have a teacher in your inner circle who's stretching and challenging your thinking?

If not, is there someone you admire who you could reach out to and connect with?

4. Butt-kickers

Love them or hate them, we all need butt-kickers: those individuals who help accelerate the journey, pushing you to do more and holding you accountable for all your actions. They accelerate action, they mentor you through your thinking and decision making and they call you on your bullshit.

Butt-kickers are masters of delivery. They hold you accountable for your actions and decisions, and ensure you do what you say you're going to do — and then some. Your butt-kicker is like a personal trainer. They count your push-ups and pull-ups, and they always make you do one extra for good measure.

Linda Galindo, author of The 85% Solution, believes butt-kickers are our secret weapon to success. ‘Working with a partner prevents the ready-fire-aim approach that a lot of entrepreneurs use.'

Who's kicking your butt?

Who helps you follow through on the commitments you make to yourself?

Surrounding yourself with the right people like this is key to your success.

Fly with eagles

When Carter, my youngest son, was 11 he had to do some research for a school project on eagles, and we discovered that they actually love storms.

Apparently when clouds gather, eagles get excited. They use the raging storm winds to lift and fly higher, giving them an opportunity to glide and rest their wings.

In the meantime, all the other birds hide in the leaves and branches of the trees — some loudly chirping at the impending storm; others staying quiet, hiding, protecting themselves, staying safe.

What do you do when a proverbial storm hits?

Do you calmly rise above the storm with fellow eagles, gliding and navigating through the various challenges with the ultimate aim of reaching the desired end goal? Or do you bunker down alone and attempt to work out problems in isolation? Or do you choose to hide as a collective in the proverbial branches, chittering and chattering about all the issues, creating dramas, debating options but not really moving anywhere as you wait for the storm to pass, handing over decision making to others?

The reality is that life and work aren't all champagne and unicorns (as much as I wish they were). There are moments when the shit well and truly hits the fan, and this is when you have to pull on the people around you to support, guide and encourage you through to the other side of the storm.

Emma Isaacs is the founder and global CEO of Business Chicks. She has grown this phenomenal community from a group of around 250 members to a global business that runs across two continents and 11 cities, produces more than 100 events annually and reaches more than 500 000 women.

But it was Emma's first attempt to take Business Chicks into the United States where she had to really pull on the support of her fellow eagles.

After building a phenomenal business footprint in Australia, Emma decided it was time to launch the Business Chicks business into the American market. She packed up her home and family and moved to Los Angeles.

The Business Chicks brand well and truly resonated as Emma and her team successfully pulled off large-scale events with over 700 people flocking to fill ballrooms in Los Angeles, New York and San Francisco. But the actual cost of running events in the United States was under-estimated. ‘And the end result was that we'd lose a bunch of money each time,' Emma shared with me during an interview for my podcast. She added, ‘The upshot is that our launch into the United States was pretty much a complete failure. It cost me close to $2 million. It caused a lot of stress to my family, and to my leadership team in Australia'.

Finally, Emma and her team made the tough decision to stop running the business in the United States and to put plans on hold. ‘That time was terrible,' shared Emma. ‘To be really honest, that was my first really big business failure. I've had a tonne of failures, but none that cost as much, and none that hurt as deeply as that.'

During the ordeal Emma reached out to her network and fellow eagles for advice. In her bestselling book, Winging It, Emma shares that one person she confided in was Richard Branson. ‘He was comforting and helped put it all in perspective for me, mentioning a bunch of his business disasters, such as Virgin Cola and another couple I'd never heard of before.'

Emma explained that she has attracted into her orbit, people who understand the entrepreneurial mentality, and what it actually takes to grow and run businesses.

‘We're there for each other in the moments, and you can condense that into a 10-minute conversation rather than having to have a three-hour coffee. It's like, “What do you need? What's going on? Tell me”. A quick coaching kind of conversation.'

When Emma's storm hit she needed her circle of proverbial eagles to help her navigate the possible options ahead and to help with decision making.

Who are the eagles in your world?

It's not about hiding or playing safe. It's about embracing the power of a collective. It's about you choosing to surround yourself with eagles — individuals who may have already walked the path you're walking, who want to see you succeed — because together you can fly so much higher than you would ever fly alone.

So, who are the eagles around you who are complementing and adding to your goals and dreams, your skills and your leadership?

Who are the people who will carefully help you ride that storm to ultimately fly above it and move forward?

Reach out

We often think that seeking out these people means we have to attend networking events and do the equivalent of ‘cold calling'. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Your eagles are closer than you think. They're already encouraging you to do more, feeding you information and smarts, checking in on your progress and how you're tracking or even holding you accountable to your goals on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. Open your eyes and ears because your network is right in front of you. And here's the thing: even if you still can't identify them, the people you already respect and admire are likely to know someone you should meet. You simply have to be brave enough to reach out.

I've lost count of how many times I've been asked, ‘How do I approach (insert name)? What do I say?'

My answer is:

1. Get clear on the one question you want to ask.
2. Ask them the question! Seriously, it's as simple as that.

This first element, the one question, is so important (and always overlooked). We absolutely have to respect other people's time. So, don't just ask them for ‘a coffee to pick their brain'. Don't just ask them to be ‘part of your network'. And don't send them a long list of questions via LinkedIn (ugh).

Be direct; be thoughtful about what you're seeking.

If you really value someone's opinion and advice, then invest your time first to get clear on what help you need. Get specific in your request and I guarantee most people will be willing to help, and if they can't, they're very likely to respond with an explanation or even introduce you to someone who would be better at helping with said advice.

As opposed to ‘Can I meet you for a coffee?' (which is a sure-fire sign that you're going to chew up their precious time) say, ‘I'd like to chat with you about the three key things you did to grow your career to becoming a partner' or ‘I'm looking to expand into China and noticed you had managed to do so successfully. I'd really appreciate it if you could share your three key insights' or ‘I've been following you on social media and love what you're doing. What is the one key tip you would share?'

Show you're interested. Show you care. Show that you've invested your own time thinking about the key question or piece of advice you want to ask about.

Then, when you finally connect, be present and ask your one question. Listen to what they're saying, engage in conversation. Take notes, gather intelligence, be diligent, commit to taking action and make sure to say thank you. You could even follow up with a handwritten card and state the action you'll be taking immediately.

I realise this is common sense, but you would not believe how many people seem to forget this basic etiquette! Remember that you initiated the original conversation, which was the catalyst for opportunity and opened up the possibility of forming a longer-term relationship.

Own it. Be curious. Be brave. Reach out — and don't forget to expect the unexpected.

Give and take

In his book Give and Take, Adam Grant suggests the individuals most likely to rise to the top are often ‘Givers', those who contribute most to others. ‘Takers', who seek to gain as much as possible from others, and ‘Matchers', who aim to give and take in equal amounts, rarely experience the same success. In addition, something magical happens when ‘Givers' thrive.

Givers succeed in a way that creates a ripple effect, enhancing the success of people around them. Every time we interact with another person at work, we have a choice to make: do we try to claim as much value as we can, or contribute value without worrying about what we receive in return?

Value exchange is about two or more individuals sharing insights, connections, knowledge and ideas. Value exchange is like throwing a pebble into a pond. Individually we're all capable of creating some kind of movement, but working together we create ripples that build momentum and impact as they spread.

It's time to stop network transacting and, in its place, build transformative human connections. Invest time and energy into exchanging value mutually because on the other side of this investment lie trust, depth of understanding, connected visions and the achievement of goals.

Above all else, remember:

• Networking is connecting.
• Connecting is being yourself.
• Being yourself is being human.

Brilliance in action

1. Identify your inner circle

Thinking about the goals you have for yourself over the next 12 months, who is your promoter, pit crew, teacher and butt-kicker?

Think about who you already know, and if there's a gap, consider who you'd like to reach out to and why.

2. Fill the gaps

Get clear on why you want to meet someone. What's the one question you'd like to ask? How are you going to reach out — for example, ask for an introduction from someone you already know; connect with them on LinkedIn or via email? What can you share with them in exchange? Use the following table to help.

3. Expand your network

The next step is to look at the key people you need in your network. There's a network assessment tool to help you do that in detail.

Visit www.janinegarner.com.au/network to determine how good your personal network is right now and to identify the gaps.