Shifting into Stand Out is exciting. This is the place where clarity of purpose waltzes with the type of progress that even freshly lit fireworks on New Year's Eve would be proud of. This is where things are happening, cool things — the kinda stuff your Facebook status was born for. Sounds like nirvana, doesn't it?

The reality is that, among the glow, there is also a mess that comes with success. A flipside that if we don't take the time to talk about has the potential to knock you down and leave you feeling winded, gasping for breath and questioning your decisions. Early on in this research a close friend asked me an interesting question — actually one that stopped me in my tracks. Do people really want to Stand Out? she questioned. And I get it. The tall poppy syndrome of wanting to cut down those who stick their neck out is alive and well. Why would we put ourselves out there for judgement and critique voluntarily?? Aren't we just big-noting ourselves; being a bit showy? To me living a Stand Out life isn't about fame or fortune. Becoming a celebrity is not necessarily the goal. To be honest, the pursuit of fame for fame's sake often requires the sacrifice of becoming something that you're not. That's the fast road to plunging into Check Out if ever I heard of one.

Living a Stand Out life is about shaking off the weight of expectation and stepping into who you are. Fully present. Fully you. Warts and all. And when you do, the test is to be here and experience both the highs and the uncomfortable lows. Being present to all of it is the toughest and most important action you can take.

The following sentiment has often been attributed online to the poet Charles Bukowski. Although no proof exists he ever said it, the notion sums up what opening the door to Stand Out can feel like:

• Find what you love … (Check!)
• … and let it kill you. (Whoa, wait … what???)

These words are urging us to Stand Out — and that starts with being present. Sitting in the mess of success is the hardest and most exhilarating thing we can do. Don't short-change yourself from this experience.

From blindsided to bold

When it comes to weddings and babies, everyone's got an opinion and they're not afraid to voice it. A week before our wedding, one piece of advice stuck with me because it was profoundly powerful. A friend from my work sat me down and said, ‘When it comes to your day, don't forget to stop and soak up the moments. It'll be over in a flash, and if you don't pause, pay attention and breathe it in, you'll miss it'. I'm forever grateful for this advice — and grateful that it was followed by one of those even rarer moments when we actually listened to good advice. Our day was more magical, more meaningful and more ‘whole' because of the act of noticing. And this act is not just about noticing the good or great moments but is also about noticing the moments where disappointment makes an entrance. Don't get me wrong — we soaked up the ceremony, we soaked up the photos with the family, and we also noticed and gave voice to our disappointment when it started raining during the reception (we had specifically sent an order in for zero rain). We paid attention in the moments when a wave of relief and exhaustion hit us; we paid attention to the sadness about missing friends who couldn't join us for the day.

Being present isn't just about noticing the good stuff and filtering out the rest. It's noticing it all, even the disappointing mess. It's in this way that we ensure that we aren't blindsided by the mess of success. In fact, stopping and being present to the disappointing mess is the most profound, important and bold thing we can do as we start to step into our new identity of living a Stand Out life. Boldness holds bravery and courage in the face of uncertainty. In fact, the only certainty in Stand Out is that success comes with conditions we weren't aware of. Boldness is the antidote.

Success has knobs on it

Anyone who has achieved a worthwhile goal knows that success, while amazing and exhilarating, is not necessarily smooth sailing. It's the person who completes their first marathon and then spends the next week living in fear of having to walk up any stairs they may have to encounter. It's the Olympic gold medal winner who's thrown into the spotlight of 3 am breakfast radio and TV, along with social media scrutiny moments after their win. And it's the business that grows rapidly, is wildly successful and still has to deal with a cashflow crisis while waiting for outstanding invoices to be paid.

So if you were expecting success to be plain sailing, you're in for a shock that will blindside you quicker than supermarkets selling hot cross buns on Boxing Day. Success has knobs on it, and sometimes those knobs are spiky and downright painful. However, these knobs and costs start to shift and shape our new identity as someone who can face the challenges that arise when we combine purpose and progress. As the challenges arise, so does the opportunity for growth.

With stepping into Stand Out comes responsibility. A biblical passage referred to throughout history by various people (from Voltaire to Winston Churchill) suggests that ‘to whom much has been given, much will be demanded'. Or as the modern philosopher Spiderman would say, ‘With great power there must also come great responsibility'. The more you step into the path you want to be following, the more you'll be asked to take on even greater challenges.

IDENTITY EXPANSION

The cost of stepping into Stand Out is our old identity, and this is a scary cost. Reshaping your identity shifts the sands that your belonging and connection are built on. If you've been the person who has always said yes, for example, and now you are setting up strong boundaries and saying no, your identity will change. And one thing that is guaranteed of this change is that there will be push back — sometimes from the very people who you were looking to support you.

Many have arrived at this place, not liked what was being served up for dinner and darted promptly back to Freak Out, Burn Out or Check Out to stay. Because even though the cost in these states is to our sanity, health or happiness, at least we know where we stand. Staying in Stand Out is a bold and courageous move and requires the internal work of expanding into the next evolution of your identity. What I love about this, though, is that, possibly for the first time ever, you have the chance to be strategic about what that identity evolution is. You're the artist at the crafting table, sculpting and moulding the features that align and work for you.

Your identity is a construct that started to form the moment you were born, and it continues to shift and re-shape itself until your final day. It is part protection mechanism and part bonding tool, and has a major role to play in the upkeep of our self-esteem and wellbeing. In fact, actively working on shaping our identity is a wellbeing process practised by just about every culture on the planet. So the big question remains: How often do you actively work on your identity?

TODAY'S BUSYNESS PALES IN COMPARISON
TO TOMORROW'S IMPORTANT.

Too often we find ourselves working on ‘work'. And nothing is wrong with that at the surface level; being busy has a type of nobility attached to it. But today's busyness pales in comparison to tomorrow's important. To believe that evolving our identity is possible, we need to first embody a growth mindset.

ADOPTING A GROWTH VERSUS FIXED MINDSET

You are ultimately in control of your identity — both its formation and upkeep. But having an identity is one thing; it's another thing entirely to keep evolving it. Because let's face it, change is uncomfortable. In fact, it is often frowned upon by others. ‘You've changed … ' can be used as a deeply personal insult.

As it turns out, however, carrying a fixed identity can be quite damaging to our levels of happiness and fulfilment. World-renowned Stanford psychologist Dr Carol Dweck has studied fixed versus growth mindsets for 30 years and unpacks her findings in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Dweck shows that the differences between the two groups (fixed and growth) are remarkabl on just about every measure.

Those people who have a ‘fixed' mindset believe that character, intelligence, talent and ability are set and won't change in significant ways, and assume that success is a result of inherent intelligence. On the other hand, a ‘growth' mindset thrives on challenges. Failure is not seen as evidence of a lack of intelligence but as an opportunity to learn, develop new skills and grow. The following table provides some examples of the difference between fixed and growth mindsets.

Think about famous athletes hitting rock bottom after retirement, the countless examples of people winning the lottery and being broke only a few years later, or the cases of relapsing substance abuse. These are all examples of people who don't grow and evolve their identity as the climate changes around them. If you believe you're just a [insert label], it's highly likely that's all you ever will be.

Stepping into your new identity isn't about severing all ties with who you were in the past or turning your back on who you've been. It's your previous experience that shapes who you are now and the path you've found yourself on. Ignoring that does disservice to your present — it's like cutting off a limb and pretending nothing happened. Your focus is not on developing a brand new identity, but expanding your identity. Say ‘thank you' to who you've been and what it's taught you as you welcome in the new you. Be present to this expanding identity and all its facets, notice the doubts as they arise and step into a growth mindset to expand what is possible for you. It's time to surprise even yourself.

Fear — can it be your friend?

Your palms are sweating, your heart is racing; it feels like everything is on the line and success all rests on you. What if you stuff this up? If you fail, you have no-one else to blame. What if you fail monumentally? And if it works, you have to make good on those promises.

Everything in you screams Run! Hide! Abort mission!

Fear is all-consuming. It takes over our body and our ability to think rationally and makes the future feel like light years away.

In business, so many of our decisions are made through fear. We can't be too daring in our marketing because we might get backlash; we can't treat anyone as particularly special because others might feel left out; and we can't recognise great achievement because everyone needs to be treated fairly.

Emma Isaacs, entrepreneur and CEO of Business Chicks, a globally expanding women's networking business, shared with me that she has what she calls a unique relationship with fear — and it's one we could all learn from.

She spoke candidly about not only being okay with fear but also actively putting herself in the way of fear. (I can almost picture her cutting fear off in her car and yelling at it to get in the back seat, pronto!) She describes actively putting herself in the way of fear by saying yes to more. For Business Chicks she drove more events than her team had ever done before; she committed to major venues and then had to work solidly to fill them; and she shifted her family to the United States to launch Business Chicks internationally. On all of these steps, fear came along for the ride.

For you, if fear shows up it's not a sign to play safe. Tune back in with your purpose, set into play your strategy to drive progress and use the energy and anticipation that fear can bring to propel you forward. The reality is whenever we step out into new territory and start to get creative — being in business, working as a leader, crafting a new direction — fear comes along for the ride.

Fear is what sits between the idea and the action. Being in Stand Out is a time of action and a time of transformation, which brings with it a time of uncertainty. Fear is right there with you. Every. Time.

In her book, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear bestselling author Elizabeth Gilbert suggests that we need to shift our relationship with fear. Fear is not something we need to ‘kick to the curb' or ‘punch in the face'. In fact, fear has served us well on many occasions: it makes us vigilant and means we get things done, and it saves us from taking a step into the suspicious dark alley. It's our ultimate protector.

Gilbert goes on to state that fear shows up every time we're doing something new, creative and uncomfortable. Its presence doesn't mean it's automatically in charge, though. Fear is an indication that we're pushing the boundaries, but we don't need to make decisions through fear. Gilbert sums it up expertly by saying ‘Fear gets a voice but not a vote'. Being present to how fear turns up for you allows you to ensure your decisions are not being made by fear, and so ensure that fear doesn't blindside your trajectory. Sitting with the discomfort and vulnerability of change allows us to step forward into the successes of tomorrow. We revel in the story of overcoming. In fact, this is true for every hero's journey.

Every hero's journey follows a similar path, as outlined by author Joseph Campbell. Every hero's journey has a call to action, a series of trials and challenges before the fall into the abyss, followed by revelation, transformation, atonement to the adventure and a homecoming. Your journey into Stand Out is not dissimilar. You'll go through this hero's journey in a thousand ways on a thousand days. My call to action for you is to be present to the journey. Don't dismiss the abyss, because we only get to the revelation and transformation by going through it.

This is part of your beautiful story, and stories are what spark our hearts and minds. When we recognise this and can ride through to our awaiting transformation, we'll be ready to serve others more powerfully, boldly being present to what they need.

The curse of action for distraction

I was going to call this chapter ‘Fail. Fail fast', and the intent behind that chapter title was good. I wanted to capture the idea of letting go of the fear of stuffing up, and instead ripping into the work and, when it doesn't work, picking yourself up and going again. Fail, learn, then rinse and repeat. I held onto this chapter title (and the idea behind it) right up until I came across this psychological bias that I instantly recognised in myself. The bias is known as ‘action bias', and it means when things get complicated you get busy and into action, even if that activity is counterproductive.

When faced with uncertainty, your temptation may be to double-down on busy. ‘Action bias' is an emotional reaction to the unsettling feeling that you should be doing something. For me, this is definitely true. When the stress hits a certain level, I turn into a whirlwind — and not in any kind of constructive way. I end up paying bills twice, delegating things that don't need to be done, and sorting out the kids' cupboards and throwing out clothes that still fit them and they still actually wear (not while they're in them, mind you).

THE MESS IS WHAT MATTERS

Don't get me wrong: being in Stand Out is busy. The returns on your efforts are great because you're making progress. But make no mistake — there's still effort, a tonne of it. But getting busier simply because you've hit complexity is really a distraction from sitting in the mess. We distract to avoid facing ourselves, and to avoid diving deep into the unknown.

The mess is where the magic happens. The moment we distract ourselves from sitting in the mess, we take ourselves away from the learning.

THE MESS IS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS.

Striding into Stand Out is the greatest personal development ride you'll ever find yourself on. Put yourself out there and you'll learn things about yourself you never knew existed. Those things that press your buttons, and those things that shake the foundations of your long-held, oft-unhelpful beliefs. Some things you'll love and others you'll be embarrassed to admit even to yourself. The goal is to be present — to absorb this moment, pay attention to what is happening and get curious.

Notice your responses in this space and bring forth a scientific curiosity about what is happening. Put yourself back into high-school science, with your lab coat on. What did your teacher tell you when the results of an experiment you were conducting didn't match your hypothesis? You needed to get curious and enquire further. ‘Isn't that interesting,' you might say. ‘I wonder what is driving that? Where does that come from?' The same goes for being in Stand Out. Be present to your responses, the good, the bad and the downright ugly.

Curiosity, by its very nature, wants to be satiated. When we start enquiring, our brains scour the known and unknown to figure out what is happening. Imagine getting a random text message from a number you don't know. Imagine getting five of them in quick succession. Your curiosity is fired and it's nearly impossible to focus until you figure out who the messages are coming from. Use this insatiable drive to your benefit. Get curious about yourself and your responses.

Cultivating boldness

You can cultivate boldness, and so evolve your identity and be present to serve others, in three key ways:

1. Pay attention: notice what's changed and changing for you. In particular, pay attention to your responses.
2. Be inquisitive: rather than jumping straight into ‘this is shit', pause and be curious about what's coming up for you. Notice when the wave of overwhelm and uncertain wash over you. Bringing curiosity rather than judgement to these moments changes their trajectory. ‘Isn't that interesting' is a more useful attitude, tactic or strategy when facing change than ‘F&8k! What the bleep, bleepity bleep bleep!!'
3. Reach out: we get caught in overwhelm when we're in isolation. Find people who you trust to share your experiences with, and reach out to others on a similar path to you who offer understanding and support.