Joie de vivre

Joie de vivre not only makes you live longer, it also makes you live better. The clarion call of those with joie de vivre is, ‘How did I ever find the time to go to work?’ A lust for life is related to other states of mind, such as optimism, which we will come onto in more detail later, but it is a more all-encompassing attitude.

Do not act your age, because you will age much more slowly if you think and act like someone half your age.

When an exciting opportunity to do something turns up, stop yourself thinking of all the reasons not to do it, and think of how to solve the problems so you can say ‘yes please’.

You are a long time dead, so make the effort to pack as much fun and fulfilment into your retired years as you can.

Use it or lose it

Mental exercise has been proven to improve and then preserve your mental faculties. There are many enjoyable ways of doing this. Just a few examples are:

• bridge or other card games
• crosswords
• sudoku
• learning – such as the University of the Third Age, locally run courses, etc.
• home computing
• community or church work.

Be positive

My brother has helped me greatly with the research for this book. His number one tip for a brilliant retirement is ‘rule your problems, do not let them rule you’.

I have met lots of retired people who have had to contend with some pretty serious problems. Some had chronic health problems; others were very short of money; some had problems because they did not, or could no longer, drive. Many of these people refused to let these problems ruin their lives and, by being positive, managed to make light of their problems. Often they led much more active and happy lives than others who let minor problems dominate their lives.

Stop grumbling! One of the best ways to become more positive is to force yourself to stop voicing your negativity. It will also have the excellent side effect of making you less irritating to your loved ones, friends and acquaintances.

Many of the techniques I suggest are of the sort ‘monkey do, monkey feel’. You may be aware of the fact that, if you are unhappy, then lifting your head, putting your shoulders back and smiling has been proven to help you lift your mood.

Another useful technique to help create a positive mindset is to ‘count your blessings’. I was talking to a disabled person and asked how she managed to stay so cheerful. She told me that she was very lucky to have enough money to pay people to help her, and that she had a son and many close friends who lived locally who provided a lot of support. My late aunt and uncle did not drive but always said how lucky they were to have found a likeable and highly reliable taxi driver. If you are not naturally positive it is well worth consciously reminding yourself about all the good things in your life.

Be optimistic

There really are two sorts of people in the world, the ‘glass half full’ people and the ‘glass half empty’ people. The link between optimism and other psychological aspects such as joie de vivre was beautifully summed up by a piece of graffiti I once read:

The world belongs to optimists – pessimists are merely spectators

Train yourself to say optimistic things, and you may be surprised that over time you will start to become more optimistic.

Another useful technique is to notice how often your pessimism is unjustified. As a personal example, I used to be very pessimistic whenever severe weather was forecast. Then I decided to note down how often the bad weather actually materialised; it was less than 50 per cent of the time! So I started to be more optimistic and even decided to stop checking the weather forecast so frequently so as to desensitise myself. I also reminded myself that now I am retired I no longer have to travel to meetings so the weather no longer has much influence on my life.

Control your fear and anxiety

A number of people I talked to said that they were so grateful that they no longer had to cope with the extreme pressures that work put them under. However, many of these same people said that stress expands to fill the void. In particular they allowed their fears and anxieties to fill the gap.

After my father retired he started to hate Christmas because the country seemed to close down for over a week and he worried about what would happen if something broke (e.g. the central heating failed), or he or my mother were taken ill. Then, as he got older and became more dependent on my brother, he started to fear the times my brother went on holiday.

One problem many retired people face is that they have more time to read the daily papers and watch the news unfolding on television and the internet. This can expose you to many panics and scare stories. Just remember that the doom and gloom merchants usually have been wrong in the past.

There are a number of things that you can do to control your personal fears. Firstly, you need to remember that, when things have gone wrong in the past, you have always coped, so you will cope if bad things do happen – it will not be the end of the world! Secondly, there are plenty of practical things you can do to reduce your anxiety, such as organise breakdown cover for your car/gas/central heating and other home emergencies. If you are very worried about power cuts then buy a portable generator. Other people pay for private medical insurance for the feeling of security it gives them. Another good technique is to ask yourself, ‘What is the worst that can happen?’ You usually will find that there will be some way you can cope. The final technique is to think about whether worrying about something does any good – usually it does not.

What about the biggies – aging, death, disability, etc?

Acceptance

There is a wise saying that you should ‘change what you can, and accept what you cannot change’. People with strong religious beliefs are at a great advantage in accepting life’s tribulations. However, you do not need to believe in a higher authority to accept the things you cannot change. Remind yourself that acceptance is the best way to cope with the things you cannot change – if you cannot accept the inevitable you will only make yourself miserable. Taking the extreme example of facing your own death, I would add the optimistic observation that the majority of people face death with courage and dignity, and nowadays the NHS and charities are well set up to help you do this.

Another area where acceptance is very important is in your relationships with loved ones, friends and acquaintances. You are unlikely to be able to change people’s personalities. You may be able to stop a relationship breaking down by drawing the other person’s attention to some aspect of their behaviour. However, in many cases you will be happiest if you accept people just for who they are – warts and all. This is partly acceptance and partly tolerance.

Tolerance

In my opinion one of the less pleasant aspects of aging is that retired people sometimes become less and less tolerant as they get older. It is not at all uncommon to meet elderly people whose politics have moved far to the right of Attila the Hun. Such people often will become overtly racist and also rage against ‘scroungers’, ‘immigrants’, ‘bureaucrats’, ‘the youth of today’, ‘the government’, ‘the European Union (or other political organisation)’ – I am sure you can complete the list yourself.

Who am I to tell you what your politics should be? I am not suggesting you suddenly become more liberal, but I will make a thoroughly practical point. People who become increasingly intolerant and angry about society, who go on, and on, and on, ad nauseum about their intolerant attitudes, are very boring. In particular, many younger people will find such views extremely offensive. My advice is, if you feel this way, then shut up unless you know your listeners are all like-minded.

If you constantly say ‘when I was young we …’ then it is much less likely that you will mix with young people, which brings me on to the next point.

Stay in touch with the real world

It is so easy to lose touch with the real world. I have noticed that, even after just 18 months of retirement, I am already forgetting what it was like to go to work every day. When I meet my ex-colleagues I am surprised by how strange their lives seem. I have partly forgotten the pressures and stresses that most working people have to survive – meetings arranged and rearranged at short notice, unreasonable customers, incompetent managers, reorganisations, office politics – I can hardly bear to type this list.

I also remember my brother and sister complaining how my parents had forgotten about the reality of bringing up children, and that they did not understand that modern parents faced many pressures that the older generation had been spared. Another problem is that every generation feels that the younger generation has it much easier than they did, forgetting that there are flipsides, such as the increased pace of work and home life, the fact that occupational pensions are generally much less generous, etc.

There is a slightly naughty saying that a man is ‘only as old as the woman he feels’. I would like to rephrase this as the cleaner and more useful saying, ‘You are only as old as the people you associate with’. When talking to young people, do use your ears as well as your mouth, and try not to lecture or bore them – and remember my advice about not being a vocal, grumpy, old fascist.

I suggest that you take an interest in current affairs. Also, try to stay up to date with modern cultural phenomena and technology. Get computer literate and send emails and photos to loved ones and friends, join a social networking website, text your children/nieces/nephews, watch the latest hit TV show, etc. At our swimming pool we have a computer-literate 92-year-old, so age does not disbar you from accessing modern technology.

You will find that many of the younger generation will help you with modern technology if you express an interest; not only will this help you to get to grips with the technology faster than any textbook, it is an opportunity to build relationships with younger people.

In my research many retired people mentioned that travel was an excellent way of helping them stay in touch and they recommended travel as an excellent source of social and mental stimulation.

Do not live in the past. Do not dwell on past mistakes or bad luck. Do not bear long-term grudges.

Maintain your flexibility

In Chapter 3 we looked at adjusting to retired life and developing a new routine. While this is important, many of the people I talked to highlighted the danger of letting your routine become too rigid. So, if you find yourself passing up opportunities to do something different because it conflicts with your routine, it is probably time to remember that your routine is your servant, not your master.

The darkest sides of routines are obsessions and rituals. You need to watch for these developing and help your friends and loved ones avoid them, and ask them to warn you if you are developing such unhealthy symptoms.

Because all the psychological issues I am discussing are interrelated, you will be pleasantly surprised how progress in one area will often spill over into other areas.

Be sociable

As already mentioned, your social network is a valuable commodity, one that should stretch well outside your immediate family. Research shows that the size and strength of your social network is a key factor in your health, happiness and independence. It is also the perfect defence against that most frightening aspect of aging – loneliness.

There are some very obvious things you should avoid if you want a wide and supportive social network. I hope some will be extremely obvious; ignore them and you will find your network shrinking rapidly – so do not be:

• rude
• aggressive
• moaning
• angry
• grumpy
• intolerant
• boring
• inconsiderate
• self-centred
• boastful
• a show-off
• demanding
• someone that does not say please and thank you.

I am sure you can add to this list! There are, however, some subtler issues that are well worth mentioning.

I can divide my friends into two sorts: those that I am sure would help if I was in trouble, and the others. If you are someone who is willing to help people in need, then you will have a much wider circle of friends.

Another important skill to learn is the ability to really listen – it is something we can all work on. Good listeners develop the knack of putting themselves in other people’s positions. Good listeners are often those who offer sound advice and comments. If you are a good listener not only are you more likely to have a wider group of friends, but people tend to forgive you a lot, for example a boring person who is a good listener will probably have lots of friends.

You need to accept that relationships require effort. So:

• be willing to initiate contacts with strangers
• maintain contacts with your existing friends
• make an effort to offer and return hospitality
• be generous and thoughtful.

Independent minded

Many people I talked to, especially those who had lost their partner, strongly advised me to recommend that you develop your independence of mind.

To be independent minded you need to be willing to do things on your own, so that you do not have just shared interests, shared activities and shared friends. You will also want to make your own decisions, or at the very least contribute to shared decisions. Finally, do not be afraid to have your own opinions, and be willing to voice them and defend them.

A widow I talked to said that the fact that she worked in a charity shop was a real lifesaver when her husband died because she had a circle of friends in the shop to talk to.

If you rely on someone else for important aspects of your life, then you need to have at least a basic understanding of how to do them yourself, or how you can find someone else to do them for you. For example, if your partner handles all the financial issues get them to explain to you how to do all the basic things, and show you where all the information is kept; or you may get your partner to show one of your children where everything is. As another example, if your partner does all the cooking, get them to show you how to cook simple meals.

If you are suffering from bereavement there are many very helpful resources you can read. Typing ‘coping with bereavement’ into an internet search engine will find numerous sites with excellent guidance and leaflets.

A final word

Ask your partner, close family and best friends to help you monitor and improve your state of mind. In extreme cases you may need to talk to a therapist or counsellor, but in the majority of cases those closest to you will help you keep a positive, healthy mindset.