Key Practice 1: Being Aware of Emotional “Hot Buttons”

We all have “emotional hot buttons,” and those hot buttons are more sensitive under stress. To manage interactions among family members that intensify when emotional hot buttons are pushed, there are several things you can do:

• If you feel things are getting heated, give yourself a “pause.” An easy way to do this is to count to 10 before replying to something that's been said.
• During the pause, try to recognize what part you are playing in the exchange. Emotional interactions are never one-sided.
• Be aware of yourself and what you're feeling. Is it Frustration? Fear? Sadness? Worry? Anger?
• Assume that the person you're talking with has good intent toward you. This assumption will take a lot of the “heat” out of the exchange.
• Cultivate your own good intent toward others. At a time when most people feel some fear and sadness, kindness and empathy might be among our most important assets.

Key Practice 2: Recognizing Different Communication Styles

We all have our preferred styles of communicating with others, and stress tends to make those styles more rigid. Recognizing our own and others' styles can help us communicate more effectively, especially during difficult times. The following chart summaries four main communication styles:

Key Practice 3: Balancing Togetherness and Separateness

In normal times, financial wealth has a “centripetal” effect, that is, it often leads to more family togetherness than if it did not exist. Family members may share vacation homes, trips, vehicles, and holidays, as well as investment accounts or trusts. As a result, families with wealth should regularly discuss their desired balance of togetherness and separateness. Some family members may want more togetherness, while others would prefer more separation. The important things are to listen to, understand each other, and make appropriate accommodations.

In challenging times, when due to “shelter-in-place” orders or travel restrictions, many of us may be seeing more of our families than we usually do, we also recommend thoughtfully talking over these points:

• If you're living together, what “ground rules” would make the situation more enjoyable (e.g., rules about noise, vehicle use, visitors, ways of speaking and acting with respect toward each other)?
• How will common spaces (e.g., kitchens, living rooms, game rooms) be used and maintained?
• How can family members who are working remotely maintain quiet, distraction-free workspace?
• At what times or under what conditions are each other's rooms or houses “open for visits”?
• What signals can family members use to indicate to each other that they need some space, physical or psychological?

Key Practice 4: Talking about Serious Matters

Empathic communication is crucial for talking about serious matters that might have felt low-priority or hard to discuss before the current crisis. For example, access to food, needed medications, safe clinical environments, as well as personal security. As part of responsible planning, many families have been reviewing their emergency plans. Where would a family member go if he or she became ill? Who are family members' medical proxies? Who will watch children if parents are sick or need to quarantine themselves?

Key Practice 5: Reviewing Governance

Governance means deciding how you make decisions. Some families govern themselves informally. Others have highly developed governance structures, such as boards or Family Councils. Thinking about governance can feel low-importance right now. But all these activities—from emergency-preparedness, to ground rules for togetherness, to something as simple as organizing a call—involve governance, because they all involve decision-making.

Take a moment to ask yourself: “What specific decisions does my family face in the current crisis? How can we best make those decisions?”

Times of crisis lead many families to look hard at their governance. Some realize that it is time to advance long-standing plans to devolve decision-making from family elders to the rising generation, perhaps with subset of members as an executive team. Other families recognize the true value of involving non-family experts, such as trustees or other advisers, in their deliberations and decision-making. Many families have recognized that effective decision-making also requires more regular communication.

Governance can and should adapt to circumstances. The key is that your family feel able to discuss and make those changes openly and thoughtfully.

Key Practice 6: Making the Most of Your Advisers/Family Office

One of the hardest aspects of a crisis can be physical isolation, combined with a news cycle that never sleeps and often seems very alarming. During such times, we recommend that family members communicate more with their advisers or family office staff rather than less. This is an opportunity to remind yourself of your financial or legal plans; to review how those plans are performing; and to reaffirm or reevaluate your decisions. It can also be an opportunity to learn, from your advisers, how other families are addressing these challenging times or to share, via a family office, how different households in your family are doing. If you have questions for your advisers, ask them. Seek more frequent, even if shorter, interactions to stay in touch.

Key Practice 7: Caring for Yourself Physically

Key Practice 8: Fostering Quality Social Connections

Quality relationships are with people who help us focus forward, on what we can do; who help us problem solve; and who affirm us. Research shows us that quality relationships are critical to helping people get through difficult times. Which quality social connections do you want to foster?

Key Practice 9: Mind Training—Making Your Mind Work for You

In a crisis, we need to develop the ability to be our own psychologists, as it were, and to diagnose how our heads are doing. Ask yourself: Am I having a hard time making decisions and focusing? Do I find myself feeling anxious, scared, down, or hopeless? Is my sleep disrupted? Noticing these things is the beginning of taking your own mental “temperature.”

After you've assessed how you're feeling, stop and notice what you are saying to yourself about the situation. Try to look through the emotions to the statements that your inner voice repeats. Once you've listened to what you're telling yourself, then ask this simple question, “Is what I am saying to myself useful?”

This process of reflection can help remind you of experiences that provide ground for realistic hope. Reflect on how you managed difficult times in the past. Whatever the nature of past crises (medical, familial, financial, etc.), ask yourself, “What skills, knowledge, and choices allowed me to find my way through?”

Key Practice 10: Expressing gratitude

Whether it is at a family meeting or a family dinner (in-person or virtual), at the end of the gathering, consider asking encourage each participant to share something he or she is grateful for. In times when we all feel at risk, when so much has been taken away, remind yourself, through gratitude, of what you still have and what matters most.