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STRAY FROM THE GROUP

How to Make Friends in New Places and Talk to Anyone, Anywhere

Why fit in when you’re born to stand out?

—DR. SEUSS

My heart was racing as I sat in the waiting room outside the director’s office. What if he sent me home? I’d be the first person in the history of the Boston University London Internship Program to be sent home. But I simply couldn’t stay where I was, at that office. It was worse than a horror film, and it had given me nightmares for weeks. The women I was working for were total and utter bitches, I wasn’t learning anything, and of course, I wasn’t getting paid. Ideally, an internship should always be akin to an apprenticeship. Yes, you bring coffee and make copies, but you’re also supposed to be learning about the business, sitting in on low-level meetings, and networking. No, I decided. I would stand my ground and brace myself for the worst. I felt confident that if I was sent home, I would still have done the right thing, and I’d be able to spend my time more productively.

I think everyone should study or live abroad at some point in their lives. I was given that opportunity during my second semester of junior year of college.

I played Division I soccer for Cornell University, and at that point, soccer defined me. This sport had taught me most of my biggest life lessons—the ones all sports teach a youngster: commitment, stamina, confidence, and teamwork. But also the less obvious ones—like resilience and the value of being scrappy.

My second semester of junior year was the only time I wasn’t playing soccer, so I jumped at the opportunity to try something different—to get some distance from this sport and my intense commitment to it. I was ready to fulfill the other college dream of mine: to experience, exist, and thrive in another part of the world.

I really could have picked anywhere to go study abroad. My twin sis, Rads, picked Paris. I had friends who did the Semester at Sea program. My friend Jen went to Spain. I wasn’t feeling a strong draw to France or Spain (or the sea sickness of Semester at Sea), so I ended up picking a city that also happened to be strongly defined by soccer, or should I say “football”: London, England. So much for taking a break from soccer!

I had always wanted to live in London. At the time, I had the biggest crush on Hugh Grant and dreamed that perhaps, while studying abroad, I would run into him in the streets by Big Ben or something and he’d ask to get a spot of tea with me. Hey, it could happen.

Another great draw was that the Boston University Internship Program’s credits were accepted by Cornell and it would be a unique opportunity to study abroad and intern at a real British business. It sounded perfect for me.

I had to then convince my parents to let go of their death grip on my academic path to success, and that this was the best idea for me and my education. My parents came from abroad originally, so it wasn’t too hard to convince them. My father came to America from India with five dollars in his pocket. My mother came from Japan and her lineage traced directly to some important Japanese samurais. (I’m part samurai! Don’t mess with me.) They both bravely ventured away from their respective home countries to study abroad in America. Their one year abroad turned into a lifetime once they met and fell in love.

Regardless of my parents’ wanderlust, academics have always been incredibly important to them and played a major role in our household. So I knew I had to work really hard to make them understand why I wanted to go abroad and not stay at Cornell, which would have been much more rigorous academically.

I put together a pitch presentation for my parents and worked to sell them on the idea using the following factors:

• I get to learn about a different country’s culture and traditions.
• I will gain real experience in business.
• I will be forced outside my comfort zone.
• This experience would save them money.

It is often cheaper to study abroad for a semester than to study at a private school in the United States for that term. And wouldn’t you know, the last bit was what put them over the edge. My adventure abroad was about to begin!

With my parents’ blessing, I packed my bags. I made a promise that in order to truly integrate myself, once I arrived, I wouldn’t comingle with any other American students. I would entirely immerse myself in the British culture (and possibly come back to America with a hint of a British accent. I mean, Madonna managed to acquire one after only a couple of weeks there. If she could do it, so could I.).

Once I arrived at my two-bedroom flat in the posh neighborhood of South Kensington, I unpacked and made the easy walk over to the campus for orientation. I passed massive taxis driving on the “wrong” side of the street and was charmed by the quaint English cobblestoned streets. I couldn’t wait to experience everything I could in this enchanting city.

As part of our orientation, we had to take a “Culture Shock” class, which was supposed to teach us what we should and shouldn’t do during our semester in London. It was stuff like, “Don’t go up to random British people and talk to them.” They told us that British people aren’t as open as Americans. “Don’t talk on the tube,” as the British are pin-drop quiet on the subway. Hmm—I wasn’t digging the fact that the teacher was telling us what we shouldn’t do. It has never been my strong suit to take orders and, anyway, shouldn’t it be up to us to discover these things on our own?

I received my internship package and found out that I was going to be working with a prestigious PR firm in London. I was excited to start learning some hard business skills and gain an understanding of what public relations really was as an industry.

I was equally excited to go on the bike tour our program had organized for that afternoon, do some sightseeing of the British monuments, and spend some time in the town with a tour guide who I was sure would be equipped with a great story or seven.

Later, a group of about forty of us gathered by the bike rental place. The guide gave us one rule that we had to follow: “Don’t stray from the group.” No matter what, we had to stick with the group so that nobody got lost. It seemed like a reasonable request.

As we passed by Big Ben, the Tower Bridge, and the Tower of London, I pictured every romantic comedy that featured these icons and smiled. Obviously, I kept my eye out for the Notting Hill neighborhood as we rode through the city.

It was at this point that we passed by the place that would end up kick-starting my entire experience in England: Hyde Park.

It was a Sunday, and on Sundays at Hyde Park, there were about a dozen soccer games going on at any given time. Yes! Soccer! I knew where I was going to be spending my Sundays for the rest of the semester. I scanned the games and realized that there was not one single girl in any of the games. Did no girls play soccer in London? I decided this was a good thing. I would definitely stand out in this crowd.

I studied the groups playing on that majestic lawn and noticed that there was one group of young gentlemen that seemed particularly cool (OK, fine, I admit it, they were hot). But they were also just playing a great technical game. They probably had dreamy accents too. As I was taking it all in, I hadn’t noticed that our bike tour was quickly moving past Hyde Park. Shit! What do I do? I didn’t want to lose the opportunity to potentially play soccer with a group of hot Brits!

In that instant, I had to make a game-time decision (pun intended). Do I lose the boring biker gang and meet some locals? After all, I had made a pact with myself to hang out with only Brits. A word came immediately to mind and I knew it couldn’t be ignored: regret. I simply couldn’t regret missing this incredible opportunity to meet the very people I came to London to meet.

I had my answer. I took a deep breath, smiled, and proceeded to ride my bike smack-dab in the middle of their game. (Who the F does that?)

I yelled (OK, it came out more like a shrill squeak than anything): “Excuse me! Hi! Can I talk with you guys real quick? My bike tour is leaving and I need to talk to you right away!”

These guys stopped playing, quizzically looked at one another, and finally tentatively approached me. One tall, ginger-haired guy named Ben, who I would learn was affectionately known by his friends as “Irish,” was first to talk.

“You all right?” he asked.

I replied, “I just landed from New York yesterday and I play soccer in college. I want to train while I’m here, so I was wondering if I can get your numbers so can we play sometime?”

These guys were so confused. After a long and awkward pause, Irish begrudgingly gave me his number. I grabbed it out of his hand and rode off to catch up to the bike tour.

That night I called the number and Irish picked up after the third ring.

“You all right?” he asked again.

I told him I was going to a pub down the street from where I was staying and asked if he wanted to come. (Why not, right? I was in foreign territory.) He paused and then agreed with what seemed like not much enthusiasm. Though I could tell there was curiosity in his tone of voice.

What I didn’t know was that after their soccer game, he and the entire team had been at a pub and I was a main topic of conversation—me and my “interesting” approach. Was it a dare? Why them? Apparently I had ridden my bike smack into a bunch of philosophers and physicists who studied at the prestigious Imperial College London. Hot and smart? Jackpot!

After Irish hung up with me, he proceeded to call every single dude on the team and every one of them showed up. I couldn’t believe it. From that day on, Irish, Chris Sims, Richie, Elliot, and the rest of the Imperial College gang became great friends of mine. During my time there, I went to Stonehenge to visit Chris’s family and traveled to Rhyl, Wales, to visit Elliot’s family. These were the kinds of experiences I had dreamed of having when I originally considered living in another country. I now had my buds.

OK, back to my British adventure.

Though my social life in London was going fantastically, the PR firm where I was interning was turning out to be the opposite. I spent all my days stuffing envelopes, making copies, and getting coffee for bosses who were bitchy, boring, and worse, had no interest in teaching me the business at all.

Now, I understood what an internship is. It’s rarely a perfect experience, yet important to get your foot in the door of an industry that interests you, and for you to learn a bit about the day-to-day business in order to evaluate whether it’s a potential career for you. But this was bad. For a month, I really tried to add value to their business. I let them know that I was willing to do other tasks and was ready to take on more responsibility. I tried to offer fresh ideas and ask smart questions, but they just wanted me to do my job and not make waves. Don’t get me wrong, I was all about working my way up and starting from the bottom, but I couldn’t do it without the respect of any of the people in the company and the knowledge that more learning was to come.

I could read the writing on the wall. I realized that this adventure in Europe was becoming a rote mind-numbing job and that I had more to offer. The thought of doing this for five more months was impossible. I decided that it was up to me to make the most out of my limited time in London and knew what I had to do.

As for my hellish internship, I was not having any of it. I walked up to the head of the team, thanked her for the opportunity, and told her that I would not be interning for the company anymore.

I knew that there were serious consequences for quitting an internship, including the possibility of being sent home. So far, no student in the history of the Boston University internship program had ever quit a job. I would be the first one to stray.

I then went to the head of the internship program, Ranald Macdonald (not kidding, that’s his name) and explained to him why I was just miserable at this internship and that I couldn’t go back. He matter-of-factly explained to me that I might be sent home the next day, and I told him I understood. I spent one long night with my new British friends, explaining that it might be my last night there.

The next day Mr. Macdonald called me into his office.

“You know, there is a Lord in the House of the Lords looking for someone to help him with his British curriculum. Would you be interested in working with him? He is not often available, so you will have to do a lot of work alone.”

Lord? British curriculum? Work on my own? Yes, please!

I accepted right away and proceeded to spend the next five months working for Lord Hugh Thomas, creating a visual-art project for him that described the history of England so he could use it in the classes he taught to foreign students. I got to do this on my own time. I could wake up when I wanted, set my own schedule, and mostly just work for myself. I had deadlines to meet but that was about it. It was my first taste of entrepreneurship, working independently, and motivating myself on my own. I loved working in this way, and in the end, the internship allowed me to travel, create a meaningful project, and deepen my friendships.

This experience made me realize how important it is to trust your gut, eliminate toxic situations, and surround yourself with positive, hardworking, inspiring people, which will inevitably make you want to elevate yourself as well.

With that in mind, here is a system I call BET (bullet, eliminate, take on) to help you stray from the group and get the results you want.

STEP 1: Create a bulleted list of commitments, affiliations, relationships, and individuals —those who inspire you on one side and those who deplete you on the other.

When I say inspire, I mean people who love life, who have the confidence you’ve always wanted, who have relationships that you admire, people you admire for their compassion or abilities, who are achieving amazing things in their life, and people who really support and care about you.

When I speak of people or relationships that deplete, I mean people who make you feel bad about yourself, or those who have a negative attitude, or who make you feel insecure, guilty, unsuccessful, or deflated.

I took a hard look at my friends at age twenty-five, and I discovered that there was a clear line between the people who made me feel good and those who made me feel bad. I wrote out the list of good and bad relationships and chose to reinvest my energy where it would be the most rewarding.

Keep in mind, some of the people on these lists may be popular in your friend circle, but let’s be honest—sometimes bitches are popular. Really examine the nature of the relationship and if the negatives outweigh the positives, write that person’s name down under your “deplete” list.

It’s also OK if, once you write your list, you don’t have a lot of people in the “inspire” column. I’ve had to start over a few times with only a few people who I could truly count on, and having a few true and loyal friends is better than a bunch of negative acquaintances any day.

It’s important to take time every so often and think about your relationships. The people who bring positivity to your life are the ones you should choose to invest your energy in.

STEP 2: Eliminate the bad relationships and nurture the good ones.

All right. Now draw a big X through the people on the “deplete” list.

I don’t mean to be simplistic. I know it can be complicated. But I also know that if you allow yourself to live or work with someone who makes you feel bad, it will hold you back.

If it’s a friend who you need to eliminate, it may not seem easy at first, but when you start to really examine the relationships, you will become aware of how you feel when you are spending time with them. If you feel bad every time you see them (or guilty or negative or exhausted afterward), it’s time to step away. Begin to take steps to spend less and less time with them until you can phase them out entirely. And if it’s really bad, and they’re a consistent and significant negative influence on your life, find their contact info in your phone and just press DELETE.

Or maybe you cared for this person at one point but they changed. Maybe they’re Jekyll and Hyde. At some point, after the “I didn’t mean it” and “give me another chance,” you’ll say, “Enough is enough.”

In those moments, deplete equals delete.

This may sound really harsh. And you may be thinking, “It’s a lot more complicated than this.” The person who makes you feel bad could be a business partner or a boss. It could be a spouse.

Just think about it. Maybe you already tried being nice, attempting to reason with them in the past, but it backfired on you. Maybe you had a conflict that really never got resolved and you can tell that there were grudges still being kept. Or maybe, no matter how hard you tried to communicate, you just can’t see eye to eye.

I had a friend from college who would almost always put me down when something good happened to me. If I met a new guy, she’d point out every one of his faults. If I got a really cool summer job, it was “luck.” It took me a long time to realize that she wasn’t my friend at all; she was just someone who was around and who had somehow become a consistent part of my life even though I didn’t want her to be.

Don’t worry about it. You’ll see that with each person on the “deplete” list who you eliminate, you’ll feel lighter and have more space to bring good into your life. Once you eliminate negative people from your life, it will free you up to devote more time and energy to cultivate the great friendships and relationships you have or want. You only have a limited amount of time to devote to your friends, so pick them wisely.

My kick-ass friend Marie Forleo has a saying that I firmly believe in: “Everything is figure-out-able.” I promise your life will be so much better without the constant negative energy, and you will find love, a better-suited business partner, employees, and much better friends.

In the end, you’ll wonder why it took you this long. Every time you make a decision on eliminating a toxic relationship in your life, you will get stronger and you’ll have so much space for good shit to happen.

STEP 3: Take on new activities and relationships that are in line with what you want to be doing and that energize you.

Physically go to a place where people are doing the things you love and excel at or want to excel at. If you want to start a business in technology, you could go to a place like General Assembly (a start-up incubator) or WeWork Labs and connect with people there. Bring a friend the first time if you’re intimidated. If you want to create a design product, find out when design meet-ups are happening on Meetup.com. Another great way to meet new people is through offering your services for free as an intern. More often than not, if you’re friendly and sincere, you will start making great connections very quickly.

If you are a small-business owner or are launching your own business, you can find allies through various entrepreneurship groups in your city. You can contact your local chamber of commerce and join their small-business administration. Go to the businesses where you see good people working and ask them where they found their workers and if they know of other good people who are looking for jobs. Put feelers out on Facebook and Twitter.

This BET System will remove undue stress from your life, give you more time to find and do what you love, provide more time to build your business, and put a bounce back in your step. Straying from the group is the way to have the most unique opportunities to make new friends and build key contacts quickly in a new city. Being a sheep in the herd is not where you want to be, and you are only your best when you are surrounded by positive influences.

Take a BET on yourself. . . . Stray from the group.