Chapter 7
Ditch Doris Day
OK, I confess, this may seem a strange title for our sixth SUMO principle. So let me explain.
Why Doris Day?
In 1956, Jay Livingston and Ray Evans wrote the song ‘Que Sera Sera’ for the Alfred Hitchcock movie The Man Who Knew Too Much. It was sung by Doris Day. One of the lines is as follows:
‘Que sera, sera,
Whatever will be, will be,
The future’s not ours to see…’
Doris Day, who at the time of writing is in her early 90s, is still esteemed as a wonderful actress and singer and is adored by fans around the world. Doris, this is not personal. But our final SUMO principle is this: if we want to experience a brilliant life we must rid ourselves of the laissez faire attitude, ‘Whatever will be, will be’. Let’s be honest. How inspiring is that? I recognize unexpected events will occur in your life and mine, but I believe we can still plan and work towards a future we want to see. This is what our final success principle is all about: creating our future.
Firstly, let’s remind ourselves of the five previous SUMO success principles:
- Take responsibility for your life (Change Your T-shirt).
- Take charge of your thinking (Develop Fruity Thinking).
- Understand how setbacks affect you and how to recover from them. (Hippo Time Is OK).
- Increase your understanding and awareness of other people’s world (Remember The Beachball).
- Change comes through action not intention (Learn Latin).
Now your aim is to take those five principles and apply them in helping you to ‘succeed in life’. But first you need to decide what kind of future you want.
What kind of future do you want?
Several years ago, I heard the American sociologist and human rights campaigner Dr Anthony Campolo address a large gathering of sales people. He recalled some research he had come across in which a group of elderly people, all of whom were aged 95 or over, were asked the following question: ‘If you were to live your life over again, what would you do differently next time?’
Now that is an interesting question. And it is one I would like you to think about. After all, why wait until you’re too old to do anything about it before considering such an important issue?
Now you are probably wondering what these elderly people answered. (If you’re not, you should be. Where is your sense of curiosity?) According to Campolo, the three top answers were summarized as follows:
Have fewer regrets
It seems this was related more to what people didn’t do as opposed to what they did do in their lives.
Take time out to reflect more
Some people felt they just drifted along with the crowd and spent little, if any, time considering what they really wanted from life.
Leave a legacy
People wanted to feel that their life on Earth had counted for something and that in some way their life would be remembered after they had gone.
Now, how old are you? I want you to imagine what might be a scary scenario. Tomorrow will be your last day on this planet and you are asked the same question: ‘If you were to live your life over again, what would you do differently next time?’ What would your top three answers be? (You can write them below if you like.)
My top three answers would be:
I find it interesting that most people will write a will about what they want to happen to their affairs after they die. It requires some time and effort to sort out a will. However, fewer people seem to put the same effort and attention into what they want to happen whilst they are alive. Although they might not consciously think it, some people’s behaviour indicates they are living by the philosophy ‘Whatever will be, will be’.
How about you?
Food for thought? I hope so. Now your answers to the following questions will determine whether you ‘Ditched Doris Day’ long ago or whether you are still embracing a ‘Que Sera, Sera’ view of life.
As you answer the questions, remember this:
- Have you ever considered what success means to you? Yes/No
- Do you have some specific, clearly defined goals that you wish to achieve in life? (The goal ‘being happy’ is not a specific goal.) Yes/No
- If you have some goals, have you shared them with someone close to you? Yes/No
- Do you have some plans in place to help you achieve your goals? Yes/No
- Have you thought about the kind of memories you would like your family and friends to have of you? Yes/No
If you have more noes than yeses you have a decision to make: either do something about it or don’t. The choice is yours. This is your life.
My goal is not to shame you or make you feel guilty. It is simply to share some insights, raise some questions and make you aware of some possibilities. If you are happy with your life as it is now, fine. Congratulations. I guess you are living the life you always wanted. Or have you simply adjusted your expectations, limited your dreams and decided to settle for what you have?
If you had more yeses than noes – congratulations. However, whatever your answers, the next few pages will either confirm the kind of future you want or help you to create it.
Let’s go back to the five questions I asked above. Your answers are the starting point to creating your desired future. And if your future focus seems a little fuzzy at the moment, don’t worry. As Zig Ziglar said, ‘Go as far as you can and when you get there you’ll see further.’
Here, again is the first question.
What does success mean to you?
It is important to come up with your own definition of success rather than focus on what you think other people see it as. People can be caught in the trap of living their life to please others rather than the life they choose. In such cases success is hollow and ultimately unfulfilling.
To help you focus on what success means to you, I would encourage you to read the next piece of ‘The personal stuff’ and then the lessons that follow.
Broadening your definition of success
As a result of this experience I identified four key aspects of my life that I needed to keep a check on. Although I list them separately, they are not independent of each other. They all interrelate in some way and are all equally important. The first one is optional depending on your circumstances. If this is the case, you may want to view it as ‘work’, which may be paid or unpaid.
- Career. I also include finance in this area. My business is still very important to me and I do still spend time away from home. But my view of work has changed. It is no longer the sole definition of who I am as a person. I have learnt to take myself a little less seriously, to delegate more and to learn the art of saying ‘no’ when appropriate. Previously, my family’s needs came further down my list of priorities than my clients. I would never admit to this of course, but my behaviour revealed the truth. I didn’t even realize it. My clients and cash flow are still important, but so too are my family. My desire for work–life fulfilment (which I believe is a more helpful term than work–life balance) came about through a change in my attitude. I need to focus on my career but not to the detriment of the rest of my life.
Relationships. I had taken my family for granted and when I was at home, my mind was still on work. I now appreciate how fortunate I am. Now I do not just plan my work, I plan family activities. When the children were younger this did not simply include holidays or a weekend away, but what I term ‘family nights’. No phone calls were answered, no friends came round after school. This was simply our time together. We enjoyed a favourite meal and either a DVD or a few games.
My children’s age and mobile phones mean such an idyllic evening is no longer the norm, but we still plan meals together for just the four of us. What would that look like for you with your family?
My relationship with friends is also important. They help me see things in perspective and are very good at helping me keep my feet firmly on the ground. Fun time with friends is now crucial for me.
Remember, the quality of your relationships underpins all you do. (A group called the Relationships Foundation has coined the term ‘Relationship Pension’. The idea is that if we are to have a fulfilled life in the future, we not only need to invest our finances, but also invest in our relationships. They can be contacted at http://www.relationshipsfoundation.org/.)
Recreation. I include health and leisure time in this dimension of my life. Health, for me, incorporates my physical, psychological and spiritual well-being. My faith is fundamental to who I am as a person, and I value time to reflect, to pray and to enjoy moments of silence. When I exercise either by going for long walks or visits to the gym, it helps my physical and mental well-being. My times of recreation literally provide opportunities to ‘re-create’. This next point is more important now than it’s ever been.
To thrive in a demanding, fast-paced world, we all need times of recovery and moments to relax.They should not be seen as optional extras, but as priorities. Here’s a reminder of a point I made in the preface to this book: When you travel on a plane, during the safety announcements, they make the following point: ‘If there’s a drop in cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will come down.’ But now take note of what is then said: ‘Put your own mask on first before helping others.’ Recreation and recovery time for us is crucial if we’re to be fulfilled and successful in both our personal and professional lives. It’s our opportunity to put our own mask on first so that we’re then in a better place to help others. Let’s get real here. How successful can you be if you’re burnt out and exhausted?
Contribution. My life had become so self-absorbed I rarely considered the needs of others. But I have since discovered the strangest secret: it really can be better to give than to receive.
That is what contribution is about. I feel more fulfilled now that I view my time, talent and money not just as an opportunity to meet my needs, but also those of others. It is quite liberating when you become less inward-looking. Making a contribution to others, in whatever way, makes you feel better about yourself.
Reviewing these four equally important dimensions of who I am and what I do is a good ‘life check’. It is a process I go through regularly, usually on a monthly basis. For you to enjoy a fulfilled life I would recommend you do the same. Here’s a reminder of the four quadrants:
So what about you? Consider what success means to you, in relation to the following:
- Career (or your paid or unpaid work) – Success means…
- Relationships – Success means…
- Recreation – Success means…
- Contribution – Success means…
OK, now, let’s go on to look at the second question…
Do you have some clearly defined goals that you wish to achieve in life?
It is good to have goals. They provide focus, direction, motivation, purpose and feedback. They can be in any area of our lives. Trust me, when times are tough – the traffic is bad, the builders are late and the boss is being difficult – your ability to cope will improve if there is something you are aiming for that is bigger than all those challenges.
Review the Career, Relationships, Recreation and Contribution aspects of your life. Set yourself a goal in each area. Let’s start with the short term. What would you like to achieve in the next three months? Write down your goals below.
- My Career (or work) goal over the next three months is…
- My Relationship goal over the next three months is…
- My Recreation goal over the next three months is…
- My Contribution goal over the next three months is…
Now let’s think long term. Dream a little if you like and come up with the top ten things you want to do before you leave this planet.
Top ten things to do before I leave this planet
Vicky, a delegate on one of my workshops, did a similar exercise. She decided on the ten things she wanted to do during the next year. Included in her top ten were: spending a night at the Ritz Hotel in London; riding a horse; having her hair styled at Vidal Sassoon; and raising money for charity by running the London Marathon. There is nothing especially out of the ordinary about these goals and there doesn’t have to be. Your goals simply need to be meaningful for you and motivate you to take action.
Having decided what you want to do, the following questions will help you clarify how to make your goals a reality.
The third question is…
Have you shared your goals with someone close to you?
It is important you do not set goals in isolation. How supportive are those closest to you about your goals? When I was thinking of my ideal house, Helen, my wife, had some different ideas from me. Fortunately, we agreed on most things, which was just as well, as we wanted to carry on living together. It has also been important that Helen supports my business goals, which, to be achieved, will mean my being away from home on a regular basis.
Likewise, I need to be aware she has some goals that require my support. We may need to give and take a little on occasions and make some compromises. But it is far better for a long-term, healthy relationship if we consider the needs of each other rather than single-mindedly pursuing our own objectives.
The fourth question is…
Do you have some plans in place to help you achieve your goals?
I regularly hear people say ‘Well, we hope one day to…’ or, ‘Maybe one day we will have enough money to…’. Can I be blunt about this?
Forget the phrase ‘Show me the money’ – I say, ‘First show me the plan’. What’s your strategy going to be to achieve your goals? Here are some questions to help you focus on what you want to achieve and how to go about making it a reality.
- Why is this goal important to you? If you do not have a strong enough reason, your commitment to achieving your goal will be lessened. There is no point setting a half-hearted goal just for the sake of it.
- What will it mean to you personally to achieve this goal? How will you feel when you reach your desired outcome?
- Make an honest assessment of where you are currently in relation to your goal. Is it realistic to achieve your outcome and, if so, in what time scale? (Setting yourself a target to earn a million pounds in the next six months when you are currently in debt and there is no business opportunity on the horizon is not impossible, but it’s worth a reality check. And wanting to run a marathon in the next three months when you are currently struggling to climb the stairs is not advisable.) This is not a call to lower your aspirations, but be aware of the following:
I think it is fantastic to dream big, but it is useful to start small. The first talk I ever gave was to a church youth group. Due to the evening running later than planned, my ‘Thought For The Day’ slot was reduced from five minutes to thirty seconds. Although I dreamed of speaking internationally, I started my speaking career in a church hall a mile away from home.
Anthony Robbins offers a useful insight:
‘People tend to overestimate what they can achieve in a year, but underestimate what they can achieve in a lifetime.’
What resources do you need to help you achieve your goal? Resources could be in the form of equipment, money, time, information and people. People are perhaps your biggest resource. They can provide you with advice, introduce you to the appropriate contacts and support you in your journey. List your resources here:
The resources I need to help me achieve my goal:
- Plan your plan. What needs to happen now? What is your next step and what about the one after that? What are your time scales?
The above is all well and good if you do it. It’s more likely to happen if you have a ‘mate’ to work through your answers with, and to whom you can be accountable.
Finally, the fifth question…
What kind of memories would you like your family and friends to have of you?
Write below what you believe they would say. If you are struggling, you might want to ask them. If you think there are not as many happy memories as you would like, then it is up to you to change that.
- At the moment my family’s memories of me would include:
- In the future, I’d also like them to remember me because of:
- At the moment my friends’ memories of me would include:
- In the future, I’d also like them to remember me because of:
In a nutshell
Designing your life and creating circumstances rather than reacting to them is not always easy. To do so means not simply reading about these SUMO principles, but living them as well.
It begins when we ‘Change our T-shirt’ and acknowledge that if life is not as we want it, then creating a different future is down to us. It means taking charge of our thinking. Our thinking ultimately creates our results. When you want to make changes in life, ‘faulty thinking’ will anchor you to your old way of behaving. ‘Fruity Thinking’ will release you to move forward. Use the seven questions in Chapter 3 to help your journey.
When setbacks occur, as they inevitably will, remember that ‘Hippo Time is OK’. Don’t deny your frustration or disappointment. Remember, successful people do not go around succeeding all the time. Hippo Time can be helpful, but it can also hinder you. It is part of the journey – it is not a destination. Be careful who you spend it with and remember to Move On.
Appreciate that your journey is a much richer experience when you engage the support of others. Remind yourself that understanding their view of the beachball will enhance the quality of your relationships. Never forget that life is not simply about getting your needs met, but helping other people meet theirs. Never underestimate the incredible importance of listening and seeking to understand others.
Use the ‘Learn Latin’ principle to develop the motivation and momentum to move on. Remember, one of the biggest obstacles to overcoming any challenge is the first step. So just start. And make sure you have a mate to help you along the way. And remember – don’t count your days. Make your days count.
Finally, ‘Ditch Doris Day’. What your future looks like is largely down to you. Widen your definition of success and recognize that a more fulfilling future awaits you when you focus on your Career, Relationships, Recreation and Contribution.
And above all, in all things, remember to SUMO!