I just jinxed it. Someone is going to write this. I picture a guy with greasy hair that runs multiple free seminars in hotels about how to get rich quick in a time of recession. I go to those events just for the free muffins.

Scalable is the ability to do something in a large amount. An hour of your time isn’t scalable, but an e-book is.

Okay, that would be hilarious.

It’s like having an administrative assistant, but they work from home. I’ve used them for years. I suggest you do, too.

“Represent” does not have to mean direct client contact. If the client works on research, formatting, or e-mail filtering, it can still affect your brand.

This is the great bullet-point cop-out. When someone writes to me and says “You forgot this one!” I can just reply “Ya, that’s what I meant by many, many more!”

Most business owners who say things like they want to “think outside the box” actually want to do the same things in their box, with better results. It takes courage to do something outside the norm. Most owners like the idea of courage, but few display it in business.

They gave me the lunch for free. I think I have to say this now due to the new FTC, FCC, NAFTA, and Geneva Convention laws.

A surefire way to know you’re about to be offended is when someone says this. Also true with “Nothing personal” and “Don’t take this the wrong way.”

I’m not that cocky to think they went out of business because they didn’t use the idea. Just sayin’.

Nothing of any importance to the world.

I assume that the people who didn’t sign up don’t know that they can or are very, very lonely.

I literally had a physical reaction typing that line. I may vomit if I type it again. You’ve been warned.

If you actually want to opt out, go to yellowpagesgogreen.org.

Insert maniacal laughing here with an Alanis Morrisette Ironic soundtrack.

Excuse me while I go get my tinfoil hat.

If you are looking for some good sites with tips about using Google Adwords, I suggest you Google the term “adwords.”

Via BrandRepublic http://bit.ly/cY1f8A

In word of mouth, there are two groups you never want to anger: moms and religious people. And if you annoy religious moms? Well, let’s just say you better brush up on your praying skills.

Picture this—five weeks of my ranting to help your business. www.Un-Bootcamp.com.

Facebook stats from www.facebook.com/press/info.php?statistics.

And by newest I mean, now its old since you are reading this book in print and it is probably as relavent as talking about the new update for the Commadore 64.

Thanks to Jay Baer the author of www.ConvinceAndConvert.com for the term that I wish I had thought of.

It got so bad on Facebook that I got inspired to sing a song (WhyDontYou LeaveMeAlone.com).

You know you are old when you start talking about your work experience in decades.

A tweetup is a casual get-together of Twitter friends where you are allowed to speak in more than 140 characters; imagine that?

Twitter.com/Vistaprint.

If and when this happens, I will be the guy curled up in the fetal position in the corner, sobbing very slowly. Please give generously.

Threaded means you allow people to reply underneath the original comment, like a message board that creates conversation.

It’s like me inviting you over for dinner and you complaining about the plastic on my couch. I only take that off for special company.

Mainstream meaning Oprah talked about it.

Asking me to join you on another social networking site when we just met on a different one, is like meeting me at a networking event and immediately asking me to go to a different one. I haven’t even figured out if you’re creepy yet or not, let alone becoming a networking chum.

Shoot me an e-mail at [email protected] if anything in this book makes you say “Yeah” out loud, too. Bonus points if you say “Yeah” and it wakes a person or animal up in your house.

I’m sure the creative team did not include many moms, just a bunch of people who thought they knew what a mom is like.

Some say too offended, which is always smart to do. Tell someone they’re overreacting. That goes over well.

At this writing, the actual corporate Motrin Mom’s site ranked seventh.

Nothing proves this more than the increase of social media experts from 5,000 in May 2009 to almost 16,000 listed on Twitter in December 2009) (source: whatsnextblog.com).

#FollowFriday is a tradition on Twitter where you suggest people to others to follow.

DM is a Direct Message, which is a private message on Twitter that you can only send to someone who is following you.

Okay, maybe a little creepiness . . .

By the way, I know that this doesn’t equal 100 percent, so feel free to shoot me an e-mail to correct me.

Back in the old days online, we used to call it “talking.”

We call that “Tweeting horizontally.” I took a survey and the majority of mobile users check Twitter before going to bed and right when they wake up, while still in bed.

This also inspired me to write a song. You can hear it at retweetmevideo.com. I really should have inserted a “best of ” CD with every book purchase but feared that people would pop it into their car stereo and scar their children for life.

Also, avoid the “hand under the chin” pose. It’s just awkward. Are you listening real estate agents?

Minus the good looks, body, and money.

Picture the “Blue Steel” pose from Zoolander.

www.CouchSurfingOri.com.

Bonus points if the speaker talks about “authenticity” or being “true.”

So now you know, mom, this is why you didn’t get one. I told you that you should be on Twitter.

Unless it had some kind of auto-wipe feature. If you represent a company that has come up with this idea, please get in touch with me. I would like to try it, along with 10 influential friends.

I truly believe that women drive social media. The majority of men are taught to climb the ladder of success, where only one can be on each rung. But women, almost by default, understand community and would rather take an elevator up with others. Poetic and prejudice at the same time, I know.

Is there any other kind? Heyooooo!

See the actual video here: http://bit.ly/aLxfGA

Or a billionaire . . . let’s just say he has more money than I do.

It’s also my birthday, which they failed to mention in their promotions. I will let that slide. Once.

Jeff Leach, Randy Crochet, and Brock Fillinger are the other co-founders.

Back in the day when MP3 stood for “I’m pirating music, take that establishment!”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troll_(Internet).

The irony of this is that the troll usually resides in his mom’s basement, and is horribly, horribly alone.

That’s my Twitter ID, just in case you want to call me names, too.

And why am I asking myself questions? Soon I’ll be referring to myself in the third person. Scott doesn’t do that though.

A trending topic is something that many people are tweeting about. The top ones make it on to the Twitter home page, which then exposes it to a whole new audience.

Avatar is your Twitter picture, which can be customized for causes and events.

chipin.com is a free tool you can use to monitor the progress of donations.

And for those who use ALL CAPS in subject lines, or a fake “RE:” to get me to open it, you have a special place waiting for you.

This is my idea of fun. I need counseling.

And then refund the book to you. You’re too dumb to continue reading this. The ALL CAPS people are waiting for you.

Not likely, but it’s minutely possible. ☺

For the chance to win a $50 Amazon.com gift card, I got 11,000-plus replies to a survey from a list of 100,000.

Unless you’re reading this in the bookstore, debating to purchase it. Then buy this first. Haha. No really, buy it. You can’t use this advice without buying it. It’s somewhere in the FTC guidelines, I’m sure of it.

The generic e-mail form number is always a classy touch. Almost as sweet as saying {INSERT FIRST NAME HERE} and not doing it properly.

Business to Business as opposed to Business to Consumer.

www.ftc.gov/opa/2009/10/endortest.shtm.

The record was 96 click options. Sweet mother of ADD, what do you want a visitor to do other than to run away screaming?

Popular in the late 1990s, animated GIFs were used to show sites that were “Under Construction” or for the designer to use the newest, coolest thing. Same applies to the flash intros you see on sites today. Ugh.

“target =_blank” in HTML code. Ya, learned basic HTML in 1995. You should see how many animated GIFs I could put on one page.

Livin On a Prayer, or Blaze of Glory from his solo career.

There is one large newsletter service that makes you submit your e-mail, go to a secondary page, submit it again, check off interest boxes, and then gives you the option to give more personal info. Then you have to confirm via e-mail. Taadaa! Congrats! Your list has two people.

They are also stalkers.

Picture illiterate terminators made out of canned ham. John Connor would be proud.

Captcha generated by FeedBurner.com

I tried once to describe the movie Goonies to someone at a bar by using a napkin. I looked at it the next day and all I could see was two stick figures, a chocolate bar, and something that resembled a unicorn. There is no unicorn in Goonies.

I actually had someone argue with me once that what he was using was a hover and not pop-up. I don’t care if it is doing the salsa across my screen, it is a pop-up!

He suggested I try Fat Tire.

This is a great term from a great book called Creating Customer Evangelists by Ben McConnell and Jackie Huba.

Or, as my Grama used to say, boiled candy cream. She used to get mad at me for putting too much sugar in my coffee.

I think the only two businesses in the world that do not accept bank cards are Hortons and drug dealers. Although I think some of our local drug dealers here will take checks.

It astounds me what people will do to try and get something for free. I see this in Vegas all the time—people spend $200 to earn a free buffet coupon. Do they know the buffet is actually $10?

If you have never been to Vegas, that experience is like walking a marathon on the surface of the sun. Flip-flops don’t cut it.

Just to me. I am fully open to bribes. I have a sequel coming to this book and I need content. And to be honest, after writing 60,000 words, I’m spent, I’ve got nothing left. Imagine how many words I could use to describe your sending me a car, a boat, or a vacation home.

http://bit.ly/5Q2Wth, to see Michelle’s blog post about it.

http://bit.ly/8J5Ror.

http://bit.ly/68pKZa, to see its new hire blog.

Insert crack at the Yellow Pages and cold calling here.

I rounded up. Give or take a gabillion.

Please don’t mail me $5. I’m sure it’s breaking some federal law, and I won’t send it back if you do. Consider it a cheap education on how to get scammed. You’re welcome.

Unless your mom is someone who understands web sites and business, then by all means, ask! And send me her e-mail address—I want her to look at my site.

Although I’ve learned, being a person who gives honest feedback, people don’t usually want it, they just want praise. That doesn’t help anyone if it isn’t true. Encouraging someone going down the wrong path hurts that person.

Although, that would be awesome—to send somebody in your own clothes and disguised with a fake moustache and try to talk like you . . . so good.

Although again, how awesome would that be? I’m going to hire De Niro to represent me at the next conference. UnDe Niro.

The cookie can be set for a defined period of time, for example, the next 30 days.

If you are reading this book after it has become a best seller, please know I am exempt from any of the rant that I put in this chapter. Do as I rant, not as I do.

Is it any more ethical to try to sell mass quantities in the window to make the New York Times list? No, but if this book has hit that list by the time you read this, tada!

By the way, if you know 10,000 friends who want this book, drop me a line.

Wikipedia defines a podcast as “a series of digital media files (either audio or video) that are released episodically and downloaded through web syndication.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Podcast.

Sadly, most of the time I upload a blog post and then have someone look at it. It makes me look like a moron, but luckily that’s part of my brand. ☺

Really? You’re going to share in the revenue I create for you? You’re too kind.

Feel free to opt-out. Once you see this process it’ll only make me cry a little bit.

No joke is ever good when it starts with knock, knock by the way.

www.un-marketing.com/blog/2009/12/06/25-things-you-didnt-know-about-me/.

Only sometimes. . . .

Yay! Other people’s pain!

Four million views and five bucks will get me a Starbucks coffee.

I won’t—trust me—I won’t sing for you. To those who have seen my Twitter video, you don’t want me to sing either.

www.talkbiznews.com.

Now, I’m sure it’s not following laws of exactly the way I have to do it. I just don’t care.

And then sell their e-mail address if you want. I’m just kidding, don’t sell anybody’s e-mail. Unless it’s a good price, then, hey, you know. We’ll talk.

I’m going to get sued by YouTube. Please don’t tweet that. They’re going to read it and sue me. Oh, tweet it anyway.

Here’s your little wizard, but don’t look behind the curtain—there was no effort involved!

Up here, we call it wannabe ESPN.

If I tweet something and nobody’s there to hear it, does it actually go? I don’t know.

Getting freaked out because of the economy, right?

Here’s where I start to cry.

Ouch, that still hurts me right now. That’s two weeks of people saying, “Scott, come and speak.” And I said, “No thank you, no, I don’t want to actually. I was kidding.” That’s what happened.

In a mall this happens all the time, but most of these places are stand-alone retailers.

Seriously, half the art in the window was obstructed by the ALL CAP sales posters.

Their response was “All we had was a bunch of wine left over.” Which lead me to think, “And this is a problem, how?” and “Who ate all the cheese??”

If you don’t love the product/service you’re selling, why would a potential customer?

I didn’t realize freebie seekers were so predominant at conferences until witnessing it at a carwash/gas station trade show. My friends at Launch Gum had to protect their gum or people would swipe it!

Even someone like me, who is an extreme extrovert, has no desire to show up.

A hashtag is a term used on Twitter to track an event or topic. Use a # before the word. For example, I’m using #UnBook for this book. Go ahead, search the term at search.twitter.com/

I highly suggest the tag-team approach if you must go in cold to a networking event. Pick your partner wisely and get your signals down if you need to be rescued, à la “Seinfeld head-pat” style.

Nothing wrong with scotch, mind you. Creepy guys have just given it a bad name. It should be sipped in a big chair, by a fireplace with a cigar and a silk robe. Which is also creepy.

Need him, got him, need him, need him, got him. If you understand that phrase, we will exchange awkward fist bumps in person when we meet. You just jumped up 2 points on the cool meter with me.