Reflection

Reflection involves verifying and clarifying what was truly conveyed, rather than what the listener thinks they heard. A planner can reflect back to the client what they are hearing periodically throughout the conversation, watching for verbal and nonverbal cues for the right moment to interject. As the word implies, reflection is a way of “throwing back” to the client what they have given you. It is a powerful technique to establish rapport and an impactful intervention on its own. Often, when we hear our thoughts returned to us by a skilled listener we will immediately start to modify them. When we are in the midst of making a difficult decision or feeling stuck around a choice, having our words reflected back to us can be a powerful motivating force.

The content of what is being reflected is up to the financial planner, and this is where a clear understanding of the goal and an intimate knowledge of human psychology and motivation is so important. When a client is talking, there are multiple areas a financial planner could target for a reflection. For example, the financial planner could reflect back the content of what is being said (“So you are saying you are ready to take action on this”), and/or the emotional experience that is being conveyed by the client (“So this is a very exciting time for you”). What the planner chooses to reflect should be dependent on their goal for the conversation.

Perhaps more importantly, for a client who is stuck or feeling ambivalent about taking action, the financial planner could reflect one or both sides of the internal conflict. For example, if a client is talking about the pros and cons of meeting with an estate planning attorney, the financial planner could reflect back one of three things:

1. Arguments in favor of not taking action right now:

   “So you're saying you're worried this could cause a fight with your spouse.”

2. Arguments in favor of taking action right now:

   “So you recognize this is an important thing to do.”

3. Or reflect both sides of the argument:

   “So on the one hand you recognize this is an important thing to do, but on the other hand you're worried this could cause a fight with your spouse.”

Reflection also gives the client the opportunity to confirm whether the message received was the one intended. If the planner's perception matches the client's intended message, the conversation may continue with both parties in agreement about what was said and heard [58, p. 17]. If the message the planner heard doesn't match what the client was trying to say, reflection gives them both a chance to clarify before the conversation goes too far in the wrong direction. Some example reflection phrases include:

• “If I've heard you correctly, you feel concerned about losing the assets you have now, and would like to do what you can to protect them. Is that right?”
• “What I'm hearing is that you want to make sure you have enough retirement funds to travel when you get older, is that accurate?”
• “So, you want to make sure your money is invested with as minimal risk as possible, correct?”

By repeating the client's statements back to them, the client can hear their message interpreted by the planner and provide further clarification or key bits of information. The client's follow‐up statements have important information that will either correct or elaborate on what the planner has heard [58, p. 17]. Reflective listening can help a planner track and follow a client's train of thought while staying in the moment rather than thinking of their own replies. This useful skill will help clients feel heard and understood and will ensure that planners gather the right information to help the client in the best ways possible. It's a powerful method of building and maintaining client/planner trust and ensuring a positive experience for both parties.

Paraphrasing

As a financial planner tracks the client with reflective listening, they can use paraphrasing or summarizing to bring together different aspects of a client's story to form a cohesive message. It is not uncommon for a client to go from one thought to another in a stream of consciousness during meetings. Paraphrasing brings together all of the most important aspects of the conversation and weeds out the unnecessary parts. Dr. William Miller, who founded the concept of motivational interviewing, compares paraphrasing to picking flowers and handing a bouquet back to the client, with the flowers representing the client's statements that support positive change [88]. The client tells the planner their story, the planner picks the parts of the story that are crucial to the client's progression toward positive change, then presents those parts of the story back to the client in summary form. Paraphrasing may sound like this:

Paraphrasing helps the client see what's important to them distilled down into manageable summaries, which helps them get to the heart of their problems so they are better able to see solutions.

Open‐Ended Invitations versus Closed‐Ended Questions

Active listening advocates encourage the listener to ask open‐ended invitations rather than closed‐ended questions when engaged with a speaker. An open‐ended prompt invites the speaker to expand the conversation. A closed‐ended question shuts the conversation down and invites a “yes” or “no” or one‐word response. For example:

• Closed‐ended question:
• Financial planner:
• “What's your ideal retirement age?”

• Client:
• “60.”

• Open‐ended invitation:
• Financial Planner:
• “Tell me more about your ideal retirement.”

• Client:
• “Hmmm, let's see. I think I would like to stop working around 60 and perhaps move to a warmer climate …”

Notice that in this example we are not using an open‐ended question, but rather an open‐ended prompt. It turns out that good listeners ask very few questions, if any at all. Surprisingly, the very act of asking someone a question, regardless of what the question is, can have a negative impact and cause some resistance [89]. A client may start to feel nervous or defensive when asked direct questions – especially about finances. A sentence with a question mark on the end has been shown to increase stress and, in some cases, make the client shut down. Instead, it is more effective to lead with statements that invite the client to talk about what's on their mind.

As we all know, the topic of money creates a high amount of stress and anxiety for many. The last thing a planner wants to do is make a client feel as if they're back in school trying to give their teacher the “correct” answer to a question. There is a simple way to avoid this feeling by turning questions into statements.

Staying in “statement mode” will help the client feel like they are in a conversation, rather than making the client feel like they are being interrogated or pressured to conform with what they think the planner wants to hear. A planner may begin a meeting with an open‐ended invitation instead. This invitation should encourage the client to discuss what is most prominently on their minds. For example:

• Instead of: “What brings you here today?,” try:
  • “I'd like to know what brings you here today.”
  • Or: “Tell me the most pressing item on your agenda that you want to make sure we cover today.”
  • Or: “Tell me what we need to discuss that's come up since our last visit.”

After the client shares, the planner can practice active listening, reading verbal and nonverbal cues while the client is speaking, to use reflective listening responses, and then paraphrase what they've just heard.

• Instead of: “What did you mean by (fill in the blank)?,” try:
  • “Tell me more about (fill in the blank).”
  • Or: “I'm curious about (fill in the blank).”
  • Or: “Say more about (fill in the blank).”

When the client feels more relaxed, it will be easier for them to open up, making the meeting more effective. Open‐ended invitations can set the tone for a productive meeting. When making follow‐up statements inviting the client to share more, it's important to remain calm, relaxed, and conversational. In addition to these tools, the planner may move the conversation forward with open‐ended invitations to explore options and solutions. It can be helpful to frame these invitations in a way that elicits more detailed answers. Here are some Miller and Rollnick examples of open‐ended invitations [89]:

• When inviting the client to elaborate:
  • “Tell me how that feels/affects your life.”
  • “Tell me how you're coping with that.”
  • “Explain for me how that's a problem for you.”
  • “Tell me what makes you concerned about that.”
  • “Tell me more.”
• When exploring the pros and cons of doing things differently:
  • “Tell me what will happen in the long run if there is no change.”
  • “Tell me the best results you can imagine if you make changes.”
  • “Tell me the worst thing that could happen if you don't do things differently.”
  • “Tell me how things would be different if you are successful in changing things.”
• When regarding the past:
  • “Tell me the differences between how it used to be and how it is now.”
  • “Tell me about a time in your history when things were better and what made that time different than the way it is now.”
  • “Tell me how this lack of change has kept you from moving forward in your life.”
• When looking toward the future:
  • “Tell me how you hope it will be different in the future if you make changes.”
  • “Tell me how you'd like things to turn out for you ten years from now.”
  • “Tell me what your life will look like in five or ten years if things stay the same.”

Pacing

It is not just what we communicate, but also the speed at which we communicate it. The planner must constantly use vigilance in determining the appropriate speed at which they use both verbal and nonverbal gestures with their clients. In the initial stages of the engagement, mirroring the client's pace – in terms of the speed at which they talk and even some of their nonverbal gestures – can help establish rapport. Throughout your communication with a client, the financial planner should check in to determine whether the client is engaged and understanding all aspects of your conversation. The planner should regularly pause in their verbal communication and ask if the content “makes sense” or if they have any questions. Speeding through the presentation of a financial plan without the client fully grasping it is nothing short of a waste of time. It is a conversation and by determining the pace that is most comfortable for the client, you can make the most of both your time and theirs.

The Flow Process

The flow process is a seven‐step protocol developed by Dr. Ted Klontz and Dr. Brad Klontz, designed to facilitate optimal listening. It helps financial planners to know when to talk, what to say, and how to focus on the client's cues. Here are the steps of the flow process:

1. Start with an invitation.

   A good start to a conversation with a client could sound something like, “Before we start on my agenda, I am curious about what's concerning you most right now.”

2. Listen with focused attention.

   To listen without distraction, the planner must put aside their own agenda. It may help for them to physically move their papers and files or computer to the side of the desk to clear space for the incoming information from the client. This can help both the client and the planner shift gears so they can be fully attuned to the client's concerns and questions. It helps the client feel heard when the planner uses reinforcing verbal and nonverbal behaviors to encourage continued talk by the client, such as appropriate eye contact, nodding the head, and verbal validation, such as “uh‐huh” or “yes.”

3. Summarize.

   When planners are attuned to their clients they will be able to read the client's cues that signal when they are ready to pause for processing. When the client's energy drops, that's the perfect time for the planner to step in with a quick summary of what they've just heard. Energy changes, such as a lowering of the voice as their sentence trails off or an expectant pause, are cues to the planner to begin the process of summarizing what they've said. The summaries should be short and succinct, sounding something like, “So if I'm understanding you correctly, you're most concerned about your financial stability right now.”

4. Ask for what you have missed.

   After providing a summary, the financial planner follows up with a prompt to test the accuracy and scope of the summary. This process could include saying something like, “Tell me if I've got the full picture.” Or “Let me know if I'm missing anything.” Statements like these usually have the effect of an increase in the client's energy and further disclosures regarding the topic at hand. If the planner notices an increase in energy, it is best to continue to listen. It is important to note that even if the financial planner provides a comprehensive and accurate summary, the client may say something like: “No, that's not it.” In many circumstances, this is not a reflection of a poor summarization, but rather of the client becoming clearer about what they mean. As such, the financial planner would simply respond with something like: “Okay, please say more.”

5. Notice drops in the client's energy and repeat Steps 3 and 4.

   In the flow process the financial planner will continue to listen, summarize, and check in on the accuracy of the summary. If Steps 3 and 4 do not bring the energy back up in the client, then it's likely that the conversation is coming to a natural conclusion. It is then time to move on to Step 6.

6. Identify an overarching word, idea, phrase, or concept that captures the essence of what the client is saying.

   In Step 6, the planner may pick one element from the client's disclosure and invite the client to give more information on that. This may sound like, “Based on what you are saying, I get the sense that financial stability is important to you. Tell me more about what financial stability means to you.”

7. Close with a grand summary.

   After the planner has gone through the entire flow process and feels like they have sufficiently captured the client's concerns, they should summarize what they've heard in three or four sentences. Then, they can check in to see if they've missed anything. If there is more, the planner should listen intently and then summarize what they've heard.

The flow process makes clients feel like the most important person in the world to the planner. And in that moment, the client should be the most important person to them. Making the client feel heard meets two basic psychological needs: the need for human connection and the need to belong. Feeling fully understood fosters a deep connection and makes the client feel valued and respected. Each moment of the exchange should reinforce the client's psychological needs. The flow process is a powerful technique that significantly increases effectiveness for financial planners and their clients.

When a planner practices the tools and methods listed in this chapter, they will be well on their way to forming trusted bonds with their clients, making their meetings powerful and effective. Exquisite listening strategies, such as the flow process, motivational interviewing, reading verbal and nonverbal cues, reflective listening, paraphrasing, open‐ended invitations, and the S.O.F.T.E.N. method, when practiced and used regularly, can serve to facilitate a good relationship between client and planner.