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Develop Your Social Intelligence for Better People Management

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MANY PEOPLE BELIEVE that success depends less on what you know than on whom you know. Although that belief continues to define the culture of professions such as consulting and moviemaking, the technocreep of the last three decades has proved the reverse to be equally true: You don’t need to know a soul if your idea is some combination of timely and hot. Since 1990 the Internet has spawned more millionaires, each with an evolved entrepreneurial digital sensibility, than Merrill Lynch and Amway combined did in their heyday. Often, thanks to the miracle of e-mail, not even a handshake has been involved.

Lately there’s been a third element in this career-ascent mix, and it’s getting some serious ink thanks to a bumper crop of utterly clueless corporate executives who seem to have insulated themselves in steel towers of their own making while losing touch with the very people they are supposed to lead. What they haven’t realized is that yesterday’s dog-eat-dog management sensibility went out of style with Jack Welch’s office furniture. Today’s generation of managers is realizing that nice guys don’t necessarily finish last, that, in fact, being anything other than socially sensitive and evolved—whether it’s a genuine or a strategic agenda—can get you a seat at a congressional hearing and a few heavy-handed punch lines from Stephen Colbert.

This mysterious requisite for managerial success and the attention of the C-suite is called social intelligence, and if you think it has any substantive connection to the analytical and reasoning skills that get a person a Mensa card, think again.

At a glance it might seem that social intelligence is synonymous with or at least a subset of emotional intelligence, itself a relatively recent take on the controversial belief that “intelligence” is only a global term that refers to the sum of various discrete human capabilities. However, the term “social intelligence” is much older than that 1980s’ revolution of thought. It first was used by Columbia University psychologist Edward Thorndike in a 1920 article for Harper’s Monthly Magazine in which he explained that “the best mechanic in a factory may fail as a foreman for lack of social intelligence.” He further observed, “By social intelligence is meant the ability to understand and manage men and women, boys and girls—to act wisely in human relations.” In the decades that followed, other scholars emphasized the ability to get along with others, but over time the term was used less, and by the 1970s it had pretty much been dropped by those studying intelligence.

Still the idea kept popping back up. Even if researchers didn’t think much of it, their subjects would bring up the notion again and again, pointing to things like “admits mistakes,” “is sensitive to others’ needs and desires,” and “is on time for appointments.” The researchers might not have taken “social competence” seriously, but the regular people they interviewed did. Not until Howard Gardner’s work on “multiple intelligences” appeared in the 1980s did “social intelligence” reemerge as a topic of study in its own right. Since then, others have looked at social intelligence, most famously Karl Albrecht and Daniel Goleman, who have done much to popularize the term: a quick Internet search yields over 430 million results.

Social Intelligence Versus Self-Awareness

Social intelligence is clearly linked to self-awareness. Knowing yourself, knowing how others view you, and having the ability to regulate your emotions in difficult situations are all foundational to managing your relationships with others—“to act wisely in human relations,” in Thorndike’s words. My client Jim, for example, whose emotional transparency was generally valued by his boss, was unaware of how his intensity and facial expressions could seem like aggression to his colleagues. The first step toward changing this perception he’d created was simply to become aware of how others saw him, and then to adjust how he expressed himself—that is, attain both internal and external self-awareness.

This is not the same as social intelligence, however, even if there is an overlap. Think of it this way: Self-awareness is about understanding yourself and how you behave around others. Social intelligence is primarily about understanding those others and using that information to optimize your interactions with them. Social intelligence, then, is very much about how you are perceived by others or, better put, the management of what will be perceived by others. It is the understanding—and when you get it right, the mastery—of what elicits a positive response from other people in both relationships and casual encounters and even in front of an audience full of strangers. Why is it that some managers get people to line up behind them with staunch to-the-death loyalty, whereas others remain the target of cruel water cooler banter? The answer is social intelligence. The first type of manager has it; the second doesn’t. If the second one somehow has risen to the position of boss—though this is fortunately becoming more difficult without drawing senior management’s concerned attention in today’s business culture—everyone has a problem.

Clearly, social intelligence is not the sole defining element in success. There are, after all, many famously cantankerous yet charismatic CEOs that show that tough guys and even complete jerks can change the world. The half-full view of social intelligence, though, contends that the achievements of megalomaniacal, chronically demanding, and socially toxic leaders might have been even more astounding if they had been able to foster loyalty instead of keeping employees on edge with fear. Studies have shown that uncertainty and constant stress are far from optimally productive states in a neurological sense; yet even brilliant tyrants succeed with people, perhaps in spite of themselves.

How then did our long list of legendary corporate Napoleons succeed? Again, social intelligence is not the entire ballgame. There are multiple aspects of intelligence, or so the theory goes:

•   Abstract and cognitive intelligence that leads to quick and accurate reasoning and deduction

•   Practical intelligence that empowers people to accomplish goals

•   Aesthetic intelligence that takes the form of artistic expression and appreciation

•   Kinesthetic intelligence that explains why certain people can do things with a ball that you cannot and why some people are naturals at flying airplanes and doing brain surgery

•   Emotional intelligence that empowers self-aware people

•   Social intelligence, which can potentiate them all if it inspires others to perceive a person as a leader and as someone worthy of their attention and respect

Think of these various intelligences as cards in a deck; we are all dealt different hands, but what you are holding doesn’t necessarily have to define you. You can change your lot by expanding your mind and forging your own path.

It is simply not enough to be intelligent in the cognitive sense. Minimum security penitentiaries—so-called country clubs for white-collar criminals—are full of intelligent people. Some brilliant people sleep under bridges. It is also not enough to be emotionally intelligent. A doctor being judged on bedside manner, a hostage negotiator, a trial lawyer, a field sales rep, an organization’s leader, an executive coach—all are defined as much by their social intelligence as by any other type of intelligence, including the emotional kind. The book The Smartest Guys in the Room proved that its title was stupendously ironic; many of the Enron executives who starred in it ended up disgraced and behind bars.

Some define social intelligence as a matter of demonstrating good people skills. This is like saying that LeBron James knows his way around a basketball court or that Beyoncé can put on a show. It would be more accurate to say that social intelligence is a sense of the energy and image that one is putting out to others, coupled with an understanding of what works and what doesn’t, what will cultivate loyalty and approval and what will come off as egotistical, insecure, and insensitive. Social intelligence is more than getting along—it’s about getting ahead—with people. If your job is to lead, to convince, to appeal, to build a culture, to create a following, to sell yourself as an essential aspect of meeting your goals, social intelligence becomes the centerpiece of your skill set. The attainment of your goals depends on it no matter how well you know your stuff otherwise.

Another way to view social intelligence is to consider it the differentiator when everyone else is as talented and skilled as you are. If you are a surgeon, you are surrounded by brilliant peers, many of whom want the chief of surgery spot just as much as you do. Chances are that everyone on campus is possessed of high intelligence in terms of cognitive skills and the ability to get his or her head around the mechanics of the job; and if the job involves motor skills, everyone in the vicinity has the kinesthetic ability to get it done. General intelligence in this regard is simply the ante, and unless you use your social intelligence to set yourself apart and become a candidate for leadership because people are attracted to you and will line up behind you, you’ll remain mired among those intelligent masses.

The late celebrity chef and author Anthony Bourdain became a beloved television personality and cultural ambassador not because of his cooking skills, but because of his ability to engage and empathize with ordinary people from cultures across the globe. He could share a meal and trade anecdotes with mountain dwellers in Colombia and fishermen in Tangiers, and be just as socially appropriate with them as he was with presidents and rock stars. He listened to them, laughed with them, complimented them, and asked the kinds of questions that showed them all that he really wanted to know them intimately.

Breaking Down Social Intelligence

Managers and executives looking to command the respect of their peers and superiors must remember that social intelligence involves a lot more than an infectious grin. Social intelligence can be seen as the confluence of a handful of distinct abilities, all of them driven by a keen understanding of what makes people respond positively. Even if you get along with everyone and are the first person that people think of when composing their invitation lists, you owe it more to the following five dimensions (as defined by Karl Albrecht) of social intelligence than to your razor-sharp wit.

Presence

What used to be called dressing for success has come out of the closet to include the totality of your presentation across all the senses, from your hair to your voice, your nonverbals, and the subtle ways in which you respond. Your presence communicates your self-worth and confidence as well as the level of respect you have for others and the occasion. Disrespect in the name of “just being who I am” gets you nowhere in the world of employers, peers, and clients.

Clarity

Anyone who has ever had a manager, no matter how nice, who couldn’t communicate objectives, expectations, and other relevancies knows how hard it is to follow that kind of leader. The goal is to get others to appreciate you and follow you, and the clearer you are about what you want and expect, the sooner that will happen. (The ability to articulate messages in a clear and compelling way is also one of the key traits of executive presence as found in a study published by the American Psychological Association.)

Awareness

Awareness is the ability to read people and the moment and to respond with behaviors that fit the situation. This social radar is similar to external awareness, with the focus on your ability to “read the room.” Upon meeting the First Lady, you don’t say, “Hey, what’s up?” though this might be exactly what you’d say when meeting the 16-year-old son of your CEO.

Authenticity

If awareness is your social radar, authenticity is appealing to the social radar of others by being genuine, honest, and respectful. Phoniness and bluster, no matter how proficiently conveyed, are easy to spot and consistently off-putting. This type of behavior conveys a sense of insecurity, which is not a quality others appreciate in a leader. The concept of honesty goes beyond telling the truth; it embraces conveying the truth about yourself as well.

Empathy

Dale Carnegie was onto something when he taught that the more we show a genuine interest in others, the more they’ll be attracted to us. Social intelligence takes this a step further than showing interest; we also need to empathize with the experience and feelings of others, to relate to that experience and to them. When you communicate empathy, you are saying that we are on the same page, the same team, and that anything I ask you to do has taken your situation into consideration and I have confidence that you can accomplish the goal even though it’s difficult.

All this may sound a lot like emotional intelligence until you recognize the context of expression as opposed to introspection. It is one thing to manage your emotions, control your temper, disassociate from unpleasant memories and biases, and quell the inner voices of insecurity when you are standing in the spotlight. Social intelligence, in contrast, is the way you manage those things to optimize the perception of others with the only element of that perception you can control: the raw input of what people sense about you. From there they will filter that incoming information in ways over which you have little control. They may cling to preferences and biases that make no sense to you, and they will pursue their own agendas and be swayed by their own memories. But you at least can provide the raw material that they will process.

How to Boost Your Social Intelligence Quotient in Only Seven Days

There’s an old Steve Martin joke: “How do you avoid paying taxes on a million dollars? Well, first you get a million dollars.” In other words, knowing how social intelligence breaks down into its component parts is only the first step in raising your social IQ above where it is today. Actually changing behaviors, especially one’s own, is a monumental undertaking; that is why many professionals embarking on that process decide to use executive coaching to help them get there. Whatever you do, you can get a head start by taking matters into your own hands. It isn’t hyperbole when I say that you can make serious progress in seven days by engaging in a systematic process where you practice self-awareness and engage in some key behaviors that define social intelligence.

You can develop your social intelligence, but it requires a keen sense of self, a concept we’ve covered in detail in Chapter 2 when we discussed self-awareness. To develop this sense, you must, of course, obtain the unvarnished feedback of others, both to assess your starting point and to identify the areas in which you most need to improve.

One way to obtain quality feedback is to conduct a 360-degree assessment of the way you are perceived by others. If a formal 360-degree review process at your organization is not available to you, solicit this input on your own. Whichever way you come by the feedback of your colleagues and business partners, make sure to use the results productively to define what you need to improve about your social intelligence and what is already working well that you can build on.

What follows is not dissimilar to a diet that delivers basic biochemical science instead of fads and marketing agendas. Can you lose weight in seven days? Certainly. Can you change your life and keep the weight off after those seven days? Only if what you’ve learned during those days becomes a lifestyle. The same thing holds true here. If you can get your head around these concepts in the first seven days, chances are that you’ll notice a change in the way people react to you and, more important, a change in the way you react to other people and the way that makes you feel.

Day 1: Start Using Your Senses More Deliberately

Begin the practice of using your senses instead of relying on autopilot when you are moving through the day. For instance, when you drive to work, you may not notice the sights along the way; you just arrive at work without having given much thought to the environment, the people, the architecture along the way. If asked, chances are that you couldn’t describe any one of them in much detail. Try to pay close attention next time, whether you’re heading to work in a car or the subway. Simply take a good look around you. Take notice of people’s moods. Try to read their faces, check out their clothing, and note any peculiarities, and then assign meaning to what you see. Notice the businessman who eats an egg salad sandwich on the way to work in the morning on the subway, impeccably dressed but with mayonnaise landing on his tie. Notice the old lady cradling a toddler in her arms. Is it her granddaughter? Is she a nanny? If you’re driving, notice the workers at any construction sites: Are they young? Older? Try to guess their ethnicity. Open the window and consciously perceive the fleeting smells in the air. What are they? Gasoline? Freshly cut grass? Pastries from a nearby bakery?

After a while you’ll find that you’re no longer guessing, that your perceptions are informed with subtle bits of information that lead to quality perceptions and deductions. Do this with deliberation for the next seven days and notice how it changes your experience. Notice how present you are and the way that makes the time richer. For the first five of these days, concentrate on one sense each day: sound, smell, touch, taste, or sight. Start over again on day 6. Become highly attuned to the stimuli entering your field of perception and pay attention to the narratives (explanations) you are assigning to what you see. Notice the emotions associated with the experience of your senses. Feel them.

The more you consciously use your senses, the more situational awareness you will gain. Soon you’ll start noticing things that previously escaped you. Bring this skill with you when you arrive at work and you’ll already have improved your social intelligence simply by being more aware of the different vibes in your office. As a result you should experience an improved ability to respond and communicate appropriately and effectively in professional and social situations, both in the workplace and outside of it.

Does all this sound familiar? It should: These are the same kinds of techniques you use in mindfulness training. Mindfulness, remember, is useful in developing your self-awareness and especially in learning how to regulate your emotions. The techniques that I recommend build on one another, broadening and deepening your abilities to map both your internal and external environments.

Day 2: Critically Assess Your Strengths and Weaknesses

Whether you have Tom Brady’s looks, Michelle Obama’s intelligence and grace, Warren Buffett’s legendary knack for choosing smart investments, Elon Musk’s visionary outlook—regardless of the controversies—or whether you fall short in all these areas, now is the time to take stock of the good, the bad, and the ugly in yourself. Why? Because to raise your social IQ and thereby strengthen your executive presence, you have to know how you stack up against everyone else. Being aware of your strengths not only gives you confidence; it also gives you an opportunity to offer your strengths to others, instantly turning them into fans, if not friends. And what about your liabilities? That’s the stuff you’ll want to limit—such as, for example, your tendency to overshare at the office water cooler, making your peers roll their eyes. Or for another example, your habitual tardiness to meetings, which you apologetically attribute to “being swamped,” although your equally busy peers all seem to make it on time just fine.

How do you get this knowledge of your social assets and liabilities? Use the 360-degree feedback process we covered—formal or informal. You’ve created a reputation that’s based on the sum of your behaviors, and the clearer you are about what draws others to you and what might push them away, the more informed your choices will be as you start on the path to improvement.

Day 3: Practice Being Authentic

Most of us hide behind various masks that we have designed to put forth our best image. Unfortunately, what gets lost behind the mask is our true self and genuine personality, which, let’s be honest, is the most interesting part of us to other people. For others to feel a connection and trust us, we must strive be more authentic. Today you will start by giving people a more honest look at who you really are—the real person behind the mask.

HOW TO BE REAL: A CHECKLIST

1.   Have honest conversations with others about issues that matter to you deeply.

2.   Build real relationships and practice empathy by having honest and heartfelt conversations with others about issues that matter deeply to them.

3.   Admit when you’re wrong and apologize when you should.

4.   Forgive others and move on for the sake of the relationship.

5.   Ask for help and offer it to others who may be reluctant to ask.

6.   Take risks by showing your strengths—and weaknesses—in a public forum. Demonstrating vulnerability can prompt others to respect you.

7.   Show your unique sides to others and watch them become curious about you.

Start by having more real conversations with the people around you today. See how they respond to the real you. Observe how much of your true self people feel comfortable with and adjust the amount you want to share. Pick the right time to open yourself up, since too much too soon or at an inappropriate moment will lead to the wrong perception. Observe whether people respond with self-disclosures of their own and whether they too become more real around you. Take the cue from them and ease into a more profound interaction with those with whom you want to connect.

Day 4: Start Communicating Simply

Communicate with clarity by using simple English everyone can understand. If it’s more natural for you to say “It is not efficacious to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers” instead of “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” you’ve got work to do. Make your messages clear and to the point, devoid of clutter and jargon. If you find yourself using complex language and giving unnecessary details for the purpose of masking your perceived insecurities, stop yourself short and recognize that your new, evolved social intelligence is kicking in. You may be surprised at how often you do this, and when you stop doing it, you may be surprised at how much better the response will be.

Day 5: Practice Empathy: Look at Everything from Someone Else’s Perspective

Do more than just comprehend another person’s point of view. Really put yourself into that person’s shoes and imagine what it—whatever “it” is—feels like for him or her.

We humans see and experience the world from our own perspective: We filter information through our own unique set of values, beliefs, and biases, and that determines what we conclude and how we respond. Seeing the world through eyes other than our own will give us a better idea of what’s important to others and what moves them, as well as what they might resist. When we can see things from their perspective we can start communicating in a way that appeals to their unique manner of filtering. Doing this puts people at ease and breaks down barriers to trust and cooperation. In trying to get us to understand them, people often say, “Look at it from my point of view” or “Here’s where I’m coming from.” These statements simply ask us to do things that would make for better relationships and increased understanding, and it’s more effective if they don’t have to ask.

Day 6: Practice Listening with Empathy

When we communicate with others, we’re often more focused on what we’re going to say next than we are on what message someone is trying to convey. Our mind wanders, we tune the person out, and, contrary to what we may perceive, the person notices it and assigns meaning to it.

As a result, we miss important cues, nuance, and meaning, not to mention coming off as aloof and disinterested. We fail to establish a real connection when we are not listening because we’re not fully attuned to the other person’s message, rendering our responses as slightly off, consisting of ritualistic grunts, head movements, and hollow nodding. If feedback you’ve received tells you that this is you, your social intelligence needs a booster shot.

Moreover, as you listen to others, consciously put your own values, biases, and preferences aside and try to sense empathically what your partner thinks, feels, needs, and perceives, right there in that very moment. Do this without judgment. When appropriate, periodically acknowledge the other person’s communication; that acknowledgment can be verbal, vocal, or nonverbal, and should be done with genuine interest. Be fully present. Observe what your conversation partner does, and how the two of you are engaged in a way that connects you. Observe in yourself how it feels to perceive fully all of a person’s communication signals, many of which reside between and behind the actual words.

Day 7: Make a Plan and Implement the Steps

Since you’re reading this book, you’ve most likely made the decision to construct or improve your executive presence. Gaining the respect of your bosses, peers, and other colleagues is a marathon, not a sprint. Although these seven days are just the beginning of a long stretch, you’ll have a much clearer idea at the end of what it means to have a vastly improved social IQ. Now it’s time to create a plan for you to practice and implement these steps. Chances are you’ll have plenty of opportunities to engage in these techniques, all of which can move you upward in your career and strengthen your personal relationships, by, as Edward Thorndike said, “acting wisely in human relations.”

In the next chapter we’ll explore how you can convey executive presence by succeeding in getting buy-in for your ideas and motivating people toward common goals.