Chapter 7

Likeability

First impressions last

We touched on the importance of first impressions. The thing about them is that they tend to have permanence about them – hence the ‘you never get a second chance to make a first impression’ dictum that we often hear.

Meeting people for the first time means that inevitably the opening encounters are comprised of the proverbial ‘small talk’. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s how it has always been. (As I always say – small talk leads to ‘big’ talk.) It means that there is a certain amount of ‘gut’ evaluation in the first stages of an encounter as we weigh up the other person – and the way we do it is through their body language and non-verbal speech patterns. It’s not really the content of the ‘small talk’ that’s so important to whether or not you ultimately feel – ‘I like this person’. It’s more to do with our two-part ‘decoder’, remember? Looking and listening.

When you’re in such a situation next time, make a point of asking yourself these questions as you talk to somebody after first meeting them.

• What can you see in the facial expressions? Is there much smiling or is it a barely suppressed negative expression? Are you spotting any occasional ‘microexpressions’, which we discussed earlier, that disclose true feelings? Is the eye contact steady – with the normal ‘dance’ of movement – and focused on you? Or does the person engage in abnormal eye contact, perhaps looking away most of the time, or looking around scanning the room for other people?
• What about the gestures? We’ve covered in great detail the principles of the open and closed body states. Is the body oriented towards or away from you? Are they leaning forward as you talk? Are their head nods in the right places? Do they touch you – on the arm, the shoulder or the hand? Is it done in the normal polite and endearing way to emphasise a point or show empathy?
• And the voice – meaning the ‘paralanguage’ – does the tone match the body language? When the person is smiling do the vocal cues back up the feeling exhibited on the face?
• Then, of course, the words themselves. Maybe the tone is appropriate for the words, but does the body language show a conflict with the words being said, so that there’s a contradiction? Has that now made you distrust the person?

All these things count in terms of initial ‘likeability’. It’s accepted – from all the research that has been done on the topic, even before we engage in any talk at all – that it is appearance that forms the first impression (reinforced by how we then interact).

More research has been done on the subject of charm, charisma, liking – call it what you will – in recent decades and we now know how to improve the skills associated with these qualities. The secret to likeability is how we make others feel.

So what are we saying? That it’s nothing to do with you? Of course it is – you have to have the self-awareness and you have to do the work. But the end result is that you make others feel good and therefore they like you. Make sense?

What’s the other great secret? The secret of how to attain this likeability quality is mainly body language.

Appearance

Let’s take a look at the common denominators that come out in the research studies on the subject of liking and attraction. Needless to say, appearance comes out top of the list. Within that definition, as you would expect, it includes clothing and grooming.

‘I look alright today – I’ve been dressed for the telly. Usually I look as though I’ve scrambled up an embankment after a train derailment.’

Victoria Wood

Your clothing is very relevant to body language because it’s saying something about you to the other person – whether you like it or not. Haven’t you made instant judgements about other individuals from the way that they were dressed? Were you always right? Or did you not stick around long enough to listen to the person speak much (as is quite often the case!) and be proven wrong?

We know that around 90 per cent or so of the ‘first impression’ evaluation comes from the visual and vocal elements of body language. So your appearance is obviously part of your non-verbal language. Your ‘audience’ of one or more is making a judgement about you and forming an opinion in just a minute or less – before you’ve even had a chance to say one word, in many cases. This is quite often – even though so obvious – forgotten when people are making a conscious effort to check that their own body language is sending out the right signals. Your clothing is of great subliminal importance to the onlooker because the first contact between people is always eye to body.

We use our clothing to present an appearance to the other person that reflects our inner self – at the time. Also we use our outward appearance to ‘blend in’ with the appropriate situation or to convey a certain image.

Look at politicians when they’re visiting workplaces or on trips to other countries – you’ll see them in a suit and tie in one setting, no jacket in another, open-necked shirt (minus tie) for another setting, rolled-up sleeves when visiting troops abroad. They know that the impression they make will almost certainly start with their appearance and will determine their likeability and whether or not they will win people over. Either they want to identify with their voting public – or they want to convey a certain image of authority and will revert to the more formal mode of a suit and tie. (Apologies to female politicians – the same rules seem to apply, although it seems that women have more scope for dressing ‘smart casual’.)

The instant evaluation of posture and body movement is important along with general appearance. The astute person notices if a person moves with confidence in an upright fashion, and also how the head is held – is it held upright or a bit too far back (a suggestion of arrogance or haughtiness), or is it held down with slumped shoulders? Do they stand in the same way that they walk? That gives a clue to a person’s personality and determines how people approach them. Unfortunately the hesitant, shy and maybe introspective person exhibits body language that makes them seem as though they’re not interested and are unavailable – the lack of eye contact, the body position that is oriented away from people and slumped shoulders. Their natural hesitance makes them reluctant to transmit any signals of interest because they don’t feel they will get any response and so their body language – to other people – is transmitting a lack of interest. Who breaks the cycle?

People say that when meeting somebody they initially notice the person’s clothes and then assess subconsciously their physical attractiveness. So much has been written and researched on the psychology of physical attraction, but let’s just go over the obvious.

We know that first impressions are formed instantly and studies do show that physical attractiveness and appearance undoubtedly, initially at least, have a predictable effect on the judgements that people make about others. In fact, as we know only too well, some organisations may employ people purely for that reason.

In day-to-day life, beauty may influence a person at first impression stage, compared to when meeting the more average-looking person. This will therefore influence the person’s judgements during an interaction. But in the medium to long term, people generally base their liking of a person on their other traits and will discount their physical ‘ideal’ if the body language appeals. As we’re always hearing: ‘Beauty is only skin deep’ and ‘Beauty is in the eye of the beholder’. You might like to know American playwright Jean Kerr’s ‘take’ on this:

‘I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?’

(The Snake Has All the Lines, 1960)

Smile

Is it any wonder that this depiction of friendliness which evokes a reciprocal response in other people ranks so highly in the likeability stakes. When you smile you make other people feel good. It doesn’t have to be full-wattage all the time. Just sincere. As George Eliot once said ‘Smile and make a friend; frown and make wrinkles.’

Even when things are not going too well and you force a smile that is obviously half-hearted, the empathetic person picks this up and is able to delve into reasons for your mixed feelings. No contest – the smile, at the right time, in the right place, works wonders. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (‘Brangelina’ as Hollywood insiders have dubbed them) are media ‘savvy’ and know how to appeal to fans.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Expression in the eyes

This comes out very high in the likeability ratings. We have discussed eyes at length, so it comes as no surprise. Eye contact shows that you’re interested in someone, both in general situations and in romantic ones (in which the gaze is held a little longer). The expression in your eyes also conveys a lot and people can detect warmth, sympathy and concern. When you give people attention it increases their feeling of self-worth. You feel the same when you’re on the receiving end, no doubt.

Voice

We looked at the non-verbal aspect of speech in Lesson 3 and saw what an important part it plays in how people respond to us. Generally, if the person’s pitch, tempo and loudness is ‘in sync’ with a person’s liking, there’s no discomfort – so there’s a deepening of rapport.

If you’re comfortable doing this, take a tip from the experts. At the first impression stage – regardless of the rhythm and pace you normally adopt for your speech – see if you can match the vocal cues of the person you’re talking to. In other words, see if you can naturally follow their speed, rhythm, volume and tone. This has been shown to build instant rapport between individuals. After you’ve gone beyond this stage, then you can gradually revert to your normal style, but if there are elements of your vocal cues that are distinctly different from the other person with whom you would like an ongoing relationship (be it romantic or professional) – for example, the speed – then try changing it, gradually.

Remember that your voice also reflects your image. Because it’s the visual appearance we take notice of first, we then go for the vocal elements of non-verbal language and expect to see ‘congruence’ from what we hear. You would expect a quiet voice coming from a withdrawn and shy individual. The same voice from Clint Eastwood would not be consistent.

We look for congruence between what we see and what we hear and in the likeability stakes there has to be a match. Marilyn Monroe had a voice that reflected her image and personality perfectly. Jack Paar, her co-star in the film Love Nest, remarked: ‘Marilyn spoke in a breathless way which denoted either passion or asthma.’

Listening

As with good eye contact, this is another winner when it comes to being perceived as attractive and so is very high up in the likeability stakes. How do you feel when you’re talking to somebody and they’re looking over your shoulder? When their eyes are facing you but ‘there’s nobody at home’ (they’re running their own tapes in their head; self-talk)? There’s no ‘whole body’ listening. Or if they take the floor all the time, and then when it’s time for them to hand over to you – and become the listener – they say: ‘Enough about me. What do you think of me?’

Use your whole body to listen and see what effect it has on the other person. Again, a generalisation – it’s considered that women are instinctively better than men at showing that they’re paying attention and are empathetic. They’ll widen their eyes, lean forward, smile a lot and use more head nods. This is a potent mixture for making other people feel good about you.

All the research shows that women are bowled over if they come across a man who listens – meaning true listening (as we discussed in Lesson 3). There’s an old joke about a chap who complains that his wife always says that he doesn’t listen to her – at least that’s what he thinks she said.

When women talk to other women they tend to be more animated (not always – there are exceptions, of course) and show that they’re actually listening. They’re listening with their body. They nod at appropriate times and may make facial expressions to convey empathy. Men tend to have a problem with focus, so the theme of a conversation gets lost and the responses are off-target. In addition, there don’t tend to be so many visual clues to show that they are actually listening. Women tend to be good listeners so they find, with equal-sex conversations, there’s not usually a problem.

When somebody comes across a person who truly listens, they want to gravitate towards them. It promotes empathy and this is a big factor in your likeability, as we’ve stated before. It helps you to get in tune with another person’s feelings so that you can read their thoughts.

Body language during interviews

Interviews, especially job interviews, are terrifying for many people. In the case of an interview for employment, you’re usually judged by a stranger who knows nothing about you and observes your body language with little or no knowledge about your ‘baseline’ behaviour.

How do you create a good impression by using ‘good’ body language? Well, you know what the opposite is because we’ve looked at – in great detail – all the negative ‘leakage’ gestures that can distort your message.

Try to ensure the following in order to make those all-important ‘first impressions’ work well for you.

• Remember that you’re observed even before you meet the interviewer – your behaviour in the lift or in the reception area while you’re waiting. So ensure that your behaviour is ‘congruent’ the whole time you’re on show.
• Make sure your movements are with purpose as you enter the interviewer’s office.
• Make sure the handshake grips the palm and not just the fingers.
• Adopt a neutral smile at first to show friendliness.
• Keep good eye contact at all times.
• Sometimes the seating causes problems. For example, a seat with a soft cushion or a sofa may push you down too low. Result – slumped posture, restricted speech and general air of submissiveness (not your fault). Try to get alternative seating, but otherwise sit forward on the edge and also lean forward (that shows attentiveness anyway).
• Listen with your whole body. Remember the appropriate head nods to show you’re listening and to encourage the interviewer to continue when they are expressing something.
• Avoid displacement activities and self-comfort gestures.
• Just as your entrance was important, so is your exit.

As you approach the door make sure – unless you’re after a ‘does my bum look big in this’ assessment – that the final image of you is not your rear but your face. (Exceptions to this: interview at a bikini modelling agency, or for men an audition for ‘Male Rear of the Year’.) As you make your exit, just turn around for your final goodbye.

Body language during a speech or presentation

If you have to give a speech or presentation, you’ll know how important that 93 per cent (55 per cent visual and 38 per cent paralanguage) becomes.

• Try not to stand like a mannequin, especially if there’s a podium. Movement keeps the audience awake.
• If there is a podium try not to grip it tightly as though you’re on a ‘big dipper’ at a funfair – it conveys nervousness.
• Keep your head up.
• Arms out with the palms up.
• If you have to refer to a screen or flipchart don’t forget to keep the front of the body facing the audience. Turn slightly and point.
• Try not to look down – either at notes or the floor.
• Make eye contact with all the audience fleetingly and intermittently. They want to feel as though you’re speaking to them individually – it boosts your friendliness and credibility factor. (You know those radio presenters who make you feel as though they’re talking just to you? Take a leaf out of their book.)
• Vary your ‘paralinguistic’ style by changing your rhythm throughout, with your pitch, tone and inflection.
• Look for any ‘negative’ body language in the audience by observing any leakage (now that you’re an expert after the 7 Lessons!). Then act on it, either by involving the individual(s) or changing tack, or even scheduling a break if it’s feasible.

Body language during flirting or dating

You can’t even think about the words flirting or dating without mentioning body language. It reveals what the words from your mouth can’t or won’t say. Your body sends out the signals – some deliberate, some subconscious – to let the other person know you’re interested, and then to get their attention and, after managing to do that, to keep them interested.

Women certainly have an advantage over men. Aside from generally being able to read body language better than men, they can use it to better effect. In the world of showbusiness you see it used to great effect. Screen legend Marilyn Monroe was applauded by some for her performance; others (mainly women!) criticised her physical brazenness. After her performance in the film that established her – in her famous pink ‘wiggle’ dress – Niagara (1953), actress Constance Bennett quipped: ‘There’s a broad with her future behind her.’

Marilyn Monroe

But Marilyn was well aware of the power of body language and the way she carried herself. She responded to her detractors: ‘I walk the way I’ve always walked – since I was eleven or twelve.’ She provided further enlightenment for her critics: ‘I’m a man’s woman. I get along with women too. But I sashay up to a man; I walk up to a woman.’

‘Sashay’! It was fifty years in 2012 since the star’s death. We haven’t seen anyone like her since.

Men tend not to be as good as women at reading body language signals correctly. A display of friendliness may often be mistaken for sexual interest. A woman needs a man to interpret correctly the cues or signals she sends out (even if it’s negative like ‘shove off’), as does a man.

I’m discussing women first because all the research shows that it’s usually women who make the first move on a date or beginnings of a courtship. Men are usually reluctant to make contact with a woman who hasn’t shown that she’s approachable.

As to the behaviour displayed by both sexes during the ‘ritual’, men try to behave in a more manly fashion and women try to appear more feminine.

Generally, if you get the ‘big three’ of approachability whereby a person looks directly at you, smiles and turns their body towards you, you can assume they’re open to discussion. Most signals are more subtle, especially with women.

Acting the part …

Actors on stage and screen are keenly aware of the power of body language in determining their performance. It’s their posture, gestures and movements that ultimately determine their success. Take a tip from the experts. Make your body language say what you want to say.

Fifty years ago the two film producers Albert ‘Cubby’ Broccoli and Harry Saltzman were searching for an actor to play the part of secret agent 007, and interviewed a young hopeful called Sean Connery at their London headquarters in 1961. After a series of further interviews, despite reservations from other members of the team, Broccoli was convinced he had found their James Bond. He liked Connery’s ‘body language’.

A few years later in 1967 the two producers spoke at length in an interview about why they had chosen their (now superstar) man. They simply ‘liked the way he moved’.

Saltzman went on to say that certain actors like Connery ‘moved like cats … for a big man to be light on his feet is most unusual.’

In October 1962, Dr No opened in London and – from the opening scene in the casino – the film critics could see why the two producers realised they had found the man to lift the fictional hero from Ian Fleming’s pages to the screen.

Eunice Gayson, the first ‘Bond girl’, introduces herself (‘Trench … Sylvia Trench’) to Sean Connery (‘Bond … James Bond’)

BODYtalk

Q So, this is what we’ve been leading up to. I never really thought about it. It looks as though it’s body language that determines likeability in the final analysis.

I’m afraid so. That’s why you’re here. So ignore the things that we’ve discussed at your peril.

Q Yes, I can see I’ve got to be aware of voice now. I know how I subliminally ‘turn off’ mid-conversation if somebody’s voice grates. I suppose I do speak with a bit of a monotone; probably sound even worse on the phone.

Yes, I’m sure.

Q Yes – and I can certainly see why girls have gone off to get another drink – never to be seen on the planet again – after I’ve been supposedly listening to them.

Suddenly everybody’s talking about women. Is that why you’re all here?

Q Well, in my case, partly. But surely everything we’ve discussed applies to normal dealings with people, at work, socially and – dare I say it – flirting and dating.

It does. Everything we’ve spoken about applies to your personal and professional life. In the case of romance, there are a few other ‘gestures’ and ‘rules’ that stray from normal social and work behaviour. Generally, men are not very good at giving out flirting signals – and not that great at picking them up. Too many ID 10T errors (and slapped faces).

Q In that case, can you give us men some signals to look out for? We’ll assume the women know all about us.

I’ll just throw a few at you. Obviously it’s not exhaustive – we don’t have that much time. But if you look for a cluster of activities, it may tell you something. Stop me if you want clarification.

• Exposing the wrist and palm.
• Head tilted to one side.
• Eyes dropping (during gaze) to the more intimate nose and mouth area, and even further down.
• Pupil size (dilation) – pupils will enlarge when we like what we see.
• Touching the neck or throat area.
• Pulling hair away to expose the neck and throat.
• Flicking hair back with a hand or with a head movement.
• Generally preening while maintaining eye contact with you.
• Leaning forward while standing and sitting.
• Feet pointing towards you.
• Adjusting and fidgeting with clothes.

Q So are these foolproof signs then?

Certainly not, if you go by just one gesture or activity. These are typically observed activities if a woman is interested (or may be interested) in a man. But – I’ll have to repeat again – look for a few gestures to make up that ‘sentence’ we spoke about early on. One gesture is like a word – you can’t derive meaning from it. A number of gestures – say three – can make a sentence, which then makes sense.

Q What about us women – don’t we get a look in? Surely you emotionless men are capable of giving some signals when you’re attracted to women?

Okay then ladies. We counter-intuitive, stony-faced men are not so expressive and there’s not too much to go on. See if you can spot a cluster of these:

• An increase in self-grooming rituals (a few listed below).
• Eye gaze in the intimate nose and mouth area.
• Straightens or adjust a tie (or collar if there isn’t one).
• Smoothes the hair.
• Pulls socks up.
• Fiddles with clothing – jacket button, shirt cuff, etc.
• Displays a lot of hand-to-face activity.
• Gives an eyebrow flash (fleeting).
• Generally displays a friendly and attentive face.

(Quite tame compared to the ladies, don’t you think?)

Q Thanks for that. What about our working lives – I don’t mean office romances, I’m off that subject now – I mean, how do we go about becoming likeable at work? Surely just being able to do the job well is enough?

Well, for a start you could work on all the body language features we’ve been discussing and also take heed of the research findings. The majority of employers and managers ultimately choose whether to employ someone or promote someone based, initially, on their likeability. Then, and only then, do they consider if the person is actually capable of doing the job.