Introduction

As a divorce lawyer, I’ve heard a thousand stories from people like you, in the process of separation or divorce or thinking about it, sitting in the client chairs in my law office across from my desk. They are looking for answers to one of the most difficult personal growth experiences in life. I’ve made up the characters in the stories in this book, but they provide fair representations of what people are going through.

Tom and Emily

“Tom, we have to talk,” said Emily at the breakfast table of their sunny suburban home. She was 39-years-old, tall, and trim. She was a registered nurse working part time.

Tom put down his newspaper with a sigh. He was 44, an engineer, and in shape from jogging every morning. “OK, let’s talk.”

“Are you happy with our marriage?” said Emily.

“Well, I guess I’m not unhappy.”

“I am,” said Emily. “You’re never home. All you do is work. You go to work before I get up and you come home after I’m asleep.”

“That’s ridiculous, Emily. I work hard so I can provide for you and the kids. Where do you think the money comes from to pay for this house, the food, and your car?”

“I work hard, too, Tom,” said Emily. “What’s the point,” she thinks. “He never listens to me anyway. But I’ve got to try.”

“I have a job,” she says. “I take care of the house. I take care of the children. Who helps them with their homework, bandages their knees, and gives them their baths? Who picks up after them and feeds them and does their laundry?”

Tom replies, his voice rising in anger, “I work full time. I take care of the cars and the lawn. I take the children to baseball practice and swimming practice.”

Emily sighs. “You’re not emotionally available.”

“What are you talking about?” said Tom. “I don’t even know what that means.”

“Tom, I haven’t smiled for years. Haven’t you noticed? I’m so unhappy,” said Emily.

“Emily, you just like to complain.”

Emily is in tears now. “There’s no intimacy. It’s like we’re roommates. We’re living in parallel universes that don’t connect.”

“So what are you trying to say, Emily? Do you want to get divorced?”

“I don’t know, Tom. What should we do? What about the kids? What about the house? I’ve never been in this situation. I don’t know where to turn for help. What do you think we ought to do?”

There is a long silence as Tom tries to think of the right thing to say. “I don’t know, Emily. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to tear this family apart. I want the kids to have their dad. I’m as confused as you are. I’m late for work.”

He gets up and leaves without saying goodbye.

About This Book

I wrote this book for people like Tom and Emily, and anyone else who is in the process of separation or divorce, or even thinking about it. No one gets married expecting to get divorced. In fact, if you had drawn a timeline for yourself from birth to death, you might have put down getting married, having children, buying a house, buying a vacation home, starting a business, making a million dollars, and retirement. But, unless you had been divorced before, I bet you wouldn’t have put divorce on that timeline.

Yet the odds are pretty high that you will be one of the people who gets divorced. You probably already know many people that have been divorced.

Sometimes, divorce is necessary. It may be forced upon you, unwillingly, because it has been initiated by your spouse, and you have no control over the decision. Or you may find you need to correct a mistake and move on with your life.

The decision to separate or divorce is not one that should be taken lightly. There are many things for you to consider first, and it may take a long time to become clear about whether you should stay or go.

If you do decide to go, divorce can be devastating, both financially and emotionally. This is true whether you are the one who is leaving or the one who is being left. It can also seem overwhelmingly complex.

You may be feeling lots of different emotions. Anger, sadness, depression, rage, revenge, grief, and jealousy are normal emotions for someone going through a divorce. In fact, I would be more worried if you weren’t feeling anything. But emotion can lead to paralysis. You need to be an active participant in your divorce. You can help yourself and your divorce lawyer if you are making decisions based on operating out of positive emotions like courage, clarity, tranquility, serenity, and peace. There is much to do and many decisions that need to be made with a clear head. This book will help you get control of your emotions and start taking action about your divorce.

In these pages, we will break all the issues down into separate components that are easier to understand. The main issues that need to be resolved can be counted on one hand:

1. Children (custody and timesharing)
2. Alimony and child support
3. Property distribution
4. Legal fees
5. Taxes

We will drill down into each of these topics together and keep breaking them into smaller and smaller pieces so that you can understand them. We will also discuss the process of divorce that takes place during both the settlement and the trial.

Structure of the Book

There are five parts to the book.

Part I deals with preliminary matters. It discusses the factors that go into deciding whether you should stay or whether you should go. We’ll take a look at timing factors and certain personality types. There will be some pointers on how to talk about divorce with your spouse. We’ll discuss what you need to do now and things you have to research. We’ll talk about how to find a lawyer and tell you what you can expect from your first meeting. We’ll also help you to determine whether you have the type of divorce that you can handle yourself or whether you need a lawyer.

Part II is about the children. You can skip it if you do not have children. But if you do, you know that children represent the highest stakes for the parents in a divorce. First, we’ll talk about custody and break that down into the separate discussions of legal custody and residential custody. We’ll also talk about dividing time with the children and various parenting schedules. Then, we’ll discuss child support.

Part III deals with financial matters. These include alimony, property division, and taxes. Will talk about how different assets, such as the house, a business, or a pension, can be divided.

Part IV is about marital settlements. We’ll discuss the advantages of settlement agreements and why it’s almost always better to settle out of court. We’ll take a look at prenuptial and postnuptial agreements and the different ways that are available to help you reach an agreement. We’ll also give you some tips and tricks for negotiating an agreement with your spouse.

Part V is about the contested divorce trial. If you cannot settle with your spouse, you will have to have your case tried. We’ll go over the rules of evidence, pleadings, courtroom procedures, same-sex divorces, appeals, and modifications after trial.

Divorce can make you feel helpless and hopeless, like it’s the end of the world. Why is this happening to me? you may ask. When the future is uncertain, it feels like you are walking off a cliff into an abyss. But many people have sat in the client chairs across from my desk, and I have guided them all safely through their divorces. They all survived. Many found happiness and success. It does get better. Just not right away.

Why Do People Get a Divorce?

“I don’t know why Tom and I fight all the time,” Emily told her psychiatrist, Dr. Dory.

“In any group of people, there will be different agendas,” said Dr. Dory. “And a group consists of two or more people.”

So you and your spouse have different agendas. It’s no wonder there are so many divorces. It’s a wonder that so many people can stay together in a marriage.

Men and women are different. People are different. Can you respect and even admire the differences between you and your spouse? Or do you want your spouse to be exactly like you?

That would be boring. Differences make life interesting. It’s only natural for people to have different agendas, interests, and ideas. Once you realize that, then it is a matter of reconciling your differences.

Some people find it easy to reconcile huge differences. Some people find it difficult to resolve even the smallest of differences. If you have no mechanism for resolving conflicts, then the same disputes keep coming up over and over again. The situation makes people unhappy and frustrated, and they begin to think about leaving the conflict and the relationship behind.

Specific Reasons for Divorce

Let’s look at some of the specific reasons people get divorced:

Relationship Breakdown. Do you trust your spouse? Is your spouse reliable and honest in your relationship? Is your relationship one of mutual trust and respect? Or are you indifferent or even contemptuous of your spouse’s interests and ideas?

A relationship is damaged over time by small discourtesies and unkindnesses. Conversely, it takes time and effort to restore a damaged relationship.

Imagine a big clock. Imagine that at one o’clock, there are the words “business relationship.” Every relationship begins by establishing a business relationship at one o’clock. In a business relationship, you have no assumptions and no expectations about the other person.

Eventually, if you see this person often enough, you might suggest a lunch or a coffee. After a while, a business relationship can evolve into a friendship. “Friendship” is at four o’clock on our imaginary timepiece.

You have expectations of a friend. You assume they will be available for lunch or dinner. You may ask them to jump-start your car, give you a lift, or help you move.

A friendship can become more intimate. “Intimacy” is at eight o’clock on our imaginary timepiece. Now, you can expect more from an intimate partner than you would from a friend or a business acquaintance. An intimate partner will visit you in the hospital or give you money when you’re broke.

When there is a breakdown in an intimate relationship, like a breach of trust, you would like to go back from intimacy to friendship, counterclockwise from eight o’clock to four o’clock.

But this clock only goes one way—clockwise. You cannot move counterclockwise back to friendship. The only way to regain the trust needed for a friendship is to go clockwise to one o’clock and start over by establishing a business relationship with no assumptions and no expectations.

Begin by making clear agreements and keep them, like, “I’ll meet you at Starbucks at a certain time.” or “I’ll take the kids to church Sunday.” Making and keeping agreements is the path to restoring trust and repairing a broken relationship.

Communication Problems. Sometimes couples just stop communicating with one another. One or both give up trying to communicate because they think, What’s the use? We believe that if we just talk enough, sooner or later the other party will smack themselves on the head with their hand and say, Of course, you’re right, I see it now! But it doesn’t work that way. Maybe you want to avoid conflict. So you don’t ask for what you want or try to negotiate a compromise.

Parallel Lives. Usually, you will have a different career than your spouse. You will have different interests and different hobbies. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be interested in your spouse’s life. But some couples are just not that engaged in their marriage. So, it is an annoyance if a spouse calls them at work in the middle of a big deal to tell them their son lost a tooth. You might be married but living parallel lives that don’t intersect or connect at home. You may enjoy staying at home on the weekends, but your spouse likes to take bicycle trips.

Adultery. Affairs are one of the major factors contributing to divorce. Sometimes affairs are more the symptom of a troubled marriage than the cause of a divorce. Marriages can survive infidelity. But if you are involved with a man or a woman other than your spouse, then you are not in a committed relationship.

Desertion. You can leave the house. That’s called abandonment or desertion. You can even have desertion while still living in the same house if one spouse deserts the marriage and the couple no longer acts as husband and wife. If you are forced to leave by your spouse, that is called constructive desertion by the spouse who stays in the house.

Finances. Arguments about finances can torpedo a marriage. People fight about finances in goods times and bad times. When times are good, they argue about how their money should be spent. When times are bad, they fight about not having enough money to pay their bills. Donald Trump talks about financial infidelity. That’s when one spouse intentionally hides information about purchases from the other spouse. This happens in more marriages than you might think.

Parenting Styles. Conflict may arise from different parenting styles. You may think your spouse is too strict with the children. Your spouse may think you are too soft on them. An inability to compromise and work together leads to strife in the marriage.

Abuse. No one should have to put up with abuse by another person. But domestic violence is a fact of life. And in many cases it can be difficult to break free from an abusive spouse. Abuse can be physical or verbal. Words can hurt as much as physical abuse and sometimes even more.

Avoiding Divorce

You certainly should try to avoid divorce if you can. Here are a few tips from a divorce lawyer on how to avoid divorce and stay married:

Talking. One weekend I was doing some yard work. My wife drove by in my car. She rolled down the window and said, “I’m taking your car to the store because mine is out of gas. If you have time, can you take my car to the gas station and fill it up?”

I was busy and did not have time. Do you think that was a good excuse? No, I was in the doghouse. I had forgotten to check my “Man/Woman Translation Dictionary.”

If I had, I would have seen that she meant, “Fill my tank or you will be in big trouble, honey.”

What I took as a request, she intended as a demand. We were able to talk about our different ways of looking at things and communicating with one another. She agreed to try to express herself more directly and I agreed to try to be more sensitive to her indirect messages. We laughed about it and the problem was solved. The next weekend, I filled her tank without her even asking.

The solution to marriage problems can be as simple as just talking to your spouse about them. We go around with all these thoughts in our heads that we never express because we’re afraid, or embarrassed, or we just expect people to read our minds. You’ve got to get those thoughts out of your head and into your mouth. Say what you think.

It is hard to talk about some issues in a marriage, like sex or money, especially if you have stopped talking to one another completely. You may need a third party, such as a therapist, marriage counselor, or mediator, to help you talk out some of the problems in your marriage. Men and women, and people in general, do have different ways of looking at things, different perceptions and thought processes, and different ways of expressing themselves. You may need a third person to act as a translator so you can each hear what the other is saying and so you can express yourself and be heard.

I recommend you set aside a certain time, day of the week, and place where you make it a point to talk to one another; for example, over a glass of wine at dinner on Friday night. You don’t need an agenda. It can be a freewheeling conversation about anything and lots of things. The point is that you are talking.

There are all kinds of ways to talk nowadays. In addition to face-to-face communication, you can talk to your spouse by e-mail or text; on social-networking sites like Twitter or Facebook; or on your computer, tablet, or cell phone.

Conflict Resolution System. It always amazes me that some couples are able to resolve very big issues, like infidelity for example, while others cannot resolve the most trivial of issues. They keep having the same argument over and over again with no hope of resolution or solution. The difference is having a conflict resolution system. This may be made by a coin flip or a mediator, or just being willing to give in on issues that are more important to your spouse than to you.

Commitment. Both parties have to be committed to the marriage. A good marriage should not be taken for granted. It requires compromise. It requires effort. If you are not committed to keeping your marriage together, then you are going to have problems.

Courtesy and Respect. It is the small things that build a relationship. If you can compliment your spouse, greet him with enthusiasm, and acknowledge his presence each day, you will anchor your marriage. On the other hand, if you belittle, insult, criticize, embarrass, or ignore your spouse, then don’t expect your marriage to be a bed of roses.

Summary

There are many reasons people get a divorce, including adultery, desertion, money problems, and lack of communication. You should try to avoid it if you can by talking to your spouse, developing a conflict resolution system, and showing commitment and respect to her. But, sometimes, divorce is inevitable. In that case, keep reading. This book will help you survive your divorce. Next, we will look at some timing factors.