RECIPIENTS OF FEEDBACK, SOUGHT OR UNSOUGHT, WANTED OR UNWANTED

CHAPTER 7

RECEIVING FEEDBACK

WHEN YOU’RE A RECEIVER, someone is offering you information they think you need or want. Affirming or challenging, solicited or unsolicited, relevant or irrelevant, your goal is to take the feedback in, and, ideally, resist knee-jerk reactions in favor of making thoughtful choices about how you’ll respond.

When you find yourself in the receiving role, your goal is to bring your best self to the situation, so there’s no room for lashing out, clamming up, or fleeing the scene altogether. If what you’re hearing is making your heart race and your hands shake, you know it’s time to put fear in its place. Breathe, feel your feet, and let your wise brain catch up and take charge. You don’t have to accept all the feedback that is handed to you, but listening to it with an open mind is a great first step.

LEADERS GO FIRST

Leaders have a responsibility to demonstrate how to receive feedback with integrity and grace. Why? Because all eyes will be on you. You set the tone: you’ve started a movement, and now you’ve got to model how it’s done. To help ready your receiving self, tune into these proven leader practices:

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE. There’s no quicker way to shut down our movement than failing to step up and listen to what others have to offer. You need to make the commitment to do the same work you’ll be asking of your people.

RECOGNIZE THAT RECEIVING MAKES YOU STRONGER. If you think asking for and gathering feedback makes you look like a weaker leader, think again. Folkman and Zenger’s research links a leader’s preferences for asking for and sharing positive feedback to an uptick in nearly every measure of leadership competency.

MAKE IT SAFE. People are far more likely to tell you the truth when they feel safe. You have positional power as a leader, so assure your people that they can share what they’ve noticed without suffering repercussions.

RECEIVE WITH GRACE. You may not love everything you hear. Nonetheless, your mission is to receive feedback with grace and appreciation. In short: listen, clarify, express gratitude, and follow up.

BE FEARLESSLY AUTHENTIC. Everyone knows you’re only human, so they won’t be surprised if you show up that way. It’s okay to be authentic and vulnerable; in fact, people crave those behaviors from their leaders. Identify the areas in which you’re willing to share more, then let down those barriers. I can tell you from experience that trust gets a shot in the arm when you share your imperfections.

KNOW YOUR FEEDBACK SELF

Our emotional responses to feedback have much to do with our self-image and core beliefs. Depending on the nature of the feedback, this can either work for us or against us. For example, if a colleague tells you that your creative thinking brings consistent value to your organization, that’s likely to bring a smile to your face. It will also reinforce your belief that creativity is one of your core capabilities. However, if you feel that tenacity is one of your strong points, then having your manager say that you gave up too easily on a sale is likely to shake that belief. When feedback really strikes a nerve, it may be because it’s veering dangerously close to the core of your very being.

As Receivers, it’s helpful to take stock of what we value and believe about ourselves. Increasing our awareness of what we hold dear helps us modulate and understand our feedback responses when someone scores a direct hit and sinks one of our emotional battleships. Knowledge is power, and the more we understand ourselves, the more open we can be with others.

HITTING RESET

As we gathered feedback stories for this book, it was eye-opening to hear the stories that involved Receivers reacting poorly to what Extenders were sharing with them. In many of these stories, the Receivers eventually found their way toward accepting the feedback, and that acceptance ended up changing their outlooks, their jobs, or even their lives. Now that you’ve joined the movement, you may need to bring those alienated Extenders back in the feedback arena with you. Here’s how:

APOLOGIZE. Relationship repair is tricky. How bad was it? If you yelled or threw things, then you have some work to do. Honestly share what it was that triggered your response. You could say something like “Hey, I’m sorry about getting angry when you were reviewing my team’s performance data yesterday. The thing is, we’re proud of what we’ve accomplished, so it’s frustrating to feel like we’re being judged strictly by the numbers. Now that I’ve had time to reflect, can we discuss this further sometime soon?

DON’T OVER-APOLOGIZE. On the flip side, don’t go overboard. One brief and authentic apology is all that’s needed. No one wants to repeatedly assure you that it’s okay when they’d much prefer to reset and move on.

LOOP BACK AROUND. Has anyone ever offered you feedback that you initially resisted but later came to accept as valuable? Even if it was years ago, I implore you to let that person know how that feedback ended up impacting your work or your life.

SAVOR THE GOOD STUFF

When you receive a tasty morsel of positive feedback, do you feel yourself actively listening, or do you default to minimizing the impact of your contribution or deflecting all the credit to others? There’s a lot to be gained by allowing yourself to celebrate. Here’s how to stop the deflection and use this newfound knowledge to move you forward:

SAY, “THANK YOU.” PERIOD. Curb that inner critic who tries to deflect and decline.

INQUIRE IF APPROPRIATE. If it’s appropriate (for example, a rapid round of gratitude-sharing during a team meeting might not be the right time), ask questions about specifics and look for trends. You could approach a colleague or mentor with “Thanks for the great noticing. Can I ask exactly what you found helpful about my research on the roadmap?”

SHARE THE CREDIT. Had a partner? A helping hand? Part of a successful team project? Find ways to share the credit without minimizing your role.

AVOID DEFLECTING OR ASKING FOR ADDITIONAL REASSURANCE. Try to receive recognition with unassuming gratitude. Saying, “Really? I felt like I completely botched the speech,” or “Oh, it was not that big a deal,” might seem like humility, but those comments can devalue the feedback and make the person who gave you the compliment feel as though you question their judgment.

REFLECT AND GROW. Reflect on the things you’re consistently told you’re good at. Understand what’s driving the appreciation, and what it might mean for your plan and your future. Find ways to hone these strengths to create an even better and more impactful you.

Kicking some serious ask isn’t just for when you’re in Seeker mode; it can also be helpful to gain clarity and more actionable learnings when receiving feedback. This is especially true if your Extender is struggling to provide you specifics or fact-based insights.

Let’s look at a few common scenarios and some sample phrases you might employ to help you get the most out of every receiving opportunity:

When you’re not getting helpful specifics:

CLARIFY THE CONTEXT. “Can you share with me when or where you noticed this?”

ASK FOR THE SPECIFICS. “Can you give me more details? What exactly did you notice?”

ASK ABOUT THE EFFECT. “Can you say more about the impact I had on you or others?”

When it’s just a little too much:

ONE THING. “What is the one thing you think I should do more or less of?”

REQUEST FOCUS. “If you were to focus your perspective into a single idea, what would the headline be?”

When they’re struggling to get to the point:

MAKE IT SAFE. “It seems like you’re trying to tell me something important. I’m really interested in what it is.”

ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED. “What I’m really working on is _____. Are you seeing me make progress toward that goal?”

FEEDBACK SHORT, REFLECTION LONG

I have a little idea that could offer big results. There will be times when an Extender hands you a bite-size bit of feedback that eventually leads to something huge. Remember my story about a colleague at Hitachi who remarked that she hadn’t seen me so engaged in a topic in years? After she casually served up that bit of noticing, I thought about it for months. I rolled it around in my mind and looked at it from all angles. I considered whether or not it was true, and if it was true, why? I tested it and validated it with others. I considered the implications. I connected it with other trends in my behavior. While the feedback was short, my reflection was long and, in the end, life-changing. It was the gentle breath of wind that began a monumental journey that’s included the founding of PeopleFirm, the writing of this book, and so much more.

This is the craziness and the beauty of our new definition of feedback. It’s the little things that, when we’re tuned in to seeking, extending, and receiving them, can change everything. They can close old doors and open new ones, sending us off on unfamiliar yet exhilarating adventures. When receiving, you need to savor this bite-size feedback and let it marinate in your consciousness for as long as it takes to extract every grain of goodness from it.

I’M RIGHT, YOU’RE RIGHT, WE’RE ALL HUMAN

Remember that array of cognitive biases we discussed earlier? Those biases are not only the gremlins that can get in the way of extending fair feedback. They also impact what we hear and how we process information that is shared with us. Make a conscious decision to weigh how much your own experiences, thinking, and beliefs might be influencing your interpretation of the conversation. If you don’t, then negativity bias may sidetrack your wise brain.

One distortion that can occur when we’re receiving feedback, especially from a less accomplished Extender, is to conflate their intent with the impact we feel. If you conclude that your manager called out that typo on your slide deck because she wanted to embarrass you in front of her boss, you’re making an assumption about her intent that may well be false.

To avoid this common trap, our best strategy as Receivers is to assume positive intent. Ignore that little voice in your head that’s saying, “Danger!” Instead, tell yourself that the person speaking has no hidden agenda and only the best intentions. Reinforce your own thinking that this feedback has been extended to benefit you, not harm you.

When you first start assuming positive intent, you may feel vulnerable. After all, you’re asking yourself to be open to a new way of thinking. Further, you may have very good reason to question an individual’s motives, especially if you’ve had a bad experience with them in the past. Sometimes you can ease that feeling of vulnerability by simply asking about their intent. A direct question like “What are you hoping to accomplish with this discussion?” may lead to a candid and illuminating exchange.

Remember that we’re all works in process, so please don’t shoot (i.e., ignore) the messenger based on bad delivery. As you turn up your seeking volume, you’re bound to be exposed to a wider array of Extender styles and competence. It’s unavoidable that some of that feedback will continue to be delivered in that same old clunky manner. Patience is crucial. Not everyone will be part of our movement, nor will we all immediately hone the skills of an accomplished Extender. And unskilled doesn’t mean unworthy. So if you find yourself in the Receiver seat wanting to clobber your Extender with a copy of this book, forgo the thumping, give them a little grace, and use your new feedback chops to increase the benefits of the exchange for both of you.

YOU’RE NOT LOVING WHAT YOU’RE HEARING?

Wouldn’t it be great if all feedback met every one of the lofty standards that make up our new definition of the word? Clearly, it doesn’t; if it did, our feedback-fixing movement would have no reason to exist.

Feedback that’s nonspecific, vague, not future-focused or growth-oriented, or just plain mean-spirited can send you into a spiral of confusion, shame, or resentment. Conversely, tough but effective feedback might get your pulse racing at first, yet once you’ve got yourself into a more receptive mindset and you recognize the value of what’s been offered, you may experience that combination of exhaustion and exhilaration that follows a good workout.

Either way, by practicing good receiving techniques, you’ll be able to get an accurate picture of what’s being communicated to you, giving you the ability to make an informed decision about what to do with the feedback you’re not “feeling.” You may choose to dismiss it altogether or swallow hard and accept whatever truths you can glean. Here are a few helpful pointers on gracefully handling feedback you’re not loving:

DON’T RUSH TO REACT. Start with a simple “thank you” and give yourself time to process. Your initial reaction may be very different from the one you’ll have after hearing more and reflecting on what’s being said. Everyone benefits when you absorb the feedback without defensiveness or deflection.

SWITCH FROM PROVE TO IMPROVE. If you’re finding yourself defending your position and wanting to prove the Receiver wrong, try switching your mindset from “prove” mode to “improve” mode. Doing so will allow you to hear insights that could help you down the road.

INQUIRE FOR FACTS AND EXAMPLES. If what you got was a bit vague (“Just watch what Candice does and follow suit”), then mine for facts that may lie beneath the surface. Create clarity by asking questions that can help the Extender get more specific: “What exactly did Candice do that you would like me to focus on next time?” or “What is the most important thing you would have me pay attention to?”

BUST BIAS AND ASSUMPTIONS TOGETHER. Does it feel like facts have taken a holiday? Is the Extender basing feedback on an assumption or an illusion about you? If you suspect this may be the case, have the courage to ask the Extender to help you test their assumptions with some open questions:

• “Are you willing to test that assumption with me? Can we walk through your thinking together?”

• “I feel like that could be an assumption being made about me. Would you share the facts or observations that led to this conclusion?”

ASK FOR A PAUSE IF YOU NEED IT. A simple “Hey, I’m listening, but I’d like to process this before we talk further” will do. Reschedule if you feel agitated or unprepared to ask for clarification without coming across as defensive (4-7-8 breathing helps here).

SEEK ADDITIONAL SOURCES OF CLARITY. Still unsure? Go back to seeking. If you feel there is a nugget of information worth mining there, but you still don’t have enough to process or plan around, call on your Extender network to do some noticing for you.

SEEK SUPPORT, BUT NOT TRIANGULATION. Research has shown that social support reduces stress. However, don’t use this as an opportunity to vent or triangulate. Texting, “Drinks, STAT!” to a friend after every feedback encounter is not likely to be a great processing aid. In fact, if you’re really stirred up about the feedback, this venting (also known as “wine and whine”) usually doesn’t help, and it can actually add more stress to your situation. Instead, ask a mentor or peer to help you think through what you’ve heard. Give them the full picture in advance so they come prepared to engage, and present your questions in an open manner, without your own judgment attached.

IT’S FINE TO DECLINE. If it’s unhelpful or even hurtful feedback (perhaps it’s coming from someone who’s not in a good head space, or who simply doesn’t have your best interests in mind), then the best strategy may be to say, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Focus your energy on the information your gut tells you is valuable.

PROGRESS, NOT PUNISHMENT

We’ve all done it, and most of us will do it again. I’m talking about overreacting, magnifying or distorting what we heard, or harboring bad feelings. One slice of feedback and bam! We’re in a downward spiral.

This is a common human response. Psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema has demonstrated that our memories and thoughts are threaded together in the brain and not compartmentalized. When any single stressor is activated, the ensuing bad feelings can unlock a flood of other negative thoughts that are unrelated to the initial trigger.¹

The best thing we can do once we’ve launched ourselves into one of these downward spirals is to show ourselves a little (or maybe a lot of) compassion, regain control, and then shift our focus to progress instead of punishment. When you find yourself in this situation, move past the self-incrimination by reflecting on these simple questions:

• What’s scary about what I heard? How bad was it, really?

• What’s the one thing I least want to accept?

• What do I sense is true about this?

• What do I reject as false or biased?

• How might it impact my future direction?

• Where do I go from here? What would progress look like?

These ideas may be helpful as well:

FIND A TRUSTED FRIEND. Ask a confidant or mentor to help you work through it. An outside perspective can be crucial to escaping your negative thought patterns.

DON’T GET STUCK. Don’t let this feedback define you and get you stuck in a fixed mindset about who you are and what you can and can’t do. Instead, define what actions or outcomes would demonstrate incremental progress and start your journey.

FOLLOW UP. Once you’ve determined your next steps, check in on your progress. Ask for more noticing in the future.

STAY THE COURSE. The path of progress is never a straight line, so stay the course and be kind to yourself along the way. Know that you’ll learn as much from your setbacks as you do from your successes.

GIVE YOURSELF SOME GRACE. When we set out to change a pattern or overcome a fear, we’re striving for a new level of mastery. It doesn’t happen overnight, so give yourself some space to make and measure progress without obsessing about the ultimate result.

FOCUS ON THE FUTURE

Feedback is about guiding the path to your future self, so consider positive feedback and recommendations on areas of growth and improvement in the context of your future goals:

• Will this information propel me closer to my goals?

• Does it challenge my view of my future self? (Maybe you’ve got superpowers you hadn’t previously considered.)

• Does it change my options or my plan? Does it open new doors?

• Does it add clarity about the work I need to do?

• What is it telling me about what I should do more or less of?

MAKE A PLAN

For Receivers, your plan here is less about your feedback strategy than it is about your growth and development plan. Once you’ve processed the feedback you’ve received, make your choices about what you’ll do with it and how you’ll track your progress. Here are a few planning tips to get you started:

MAKE YOUR LIST, THEN CHOOSE. As you receive feedback, keep track of what you’re hearing. As you move to the planning stage, look for trends, test it against your future aspirations, and then pick the one thing you’ll start with. Remember, don’t boil the ocean. One bite is right!

COCREATE. Sometimes it’s helpful to sit with a trusted advisor (maybe your boss or a colleague who knows you well) and create your plan together. Two brains are almost always better than one.

TRACK PROGRESS WITH MORE SEEKING. As you set your course for growth and development, check in with others to see if they are noticing the work you’re doing. Take note of suggested course corrections and celebrate the advances you are logging.