CHAPTER 9

FEEDBACK SCENARIOS FOR THE REAL WORLD

SEEKERS MAKE IT REAL: SEEKER SUCCESS!

You’re working hard and getting “good marks” at your current job. What you’re not getting much of is feedback. There’s no formal career ladder or development plan in place, but you have a great manager and you’re learning a lot on the job. You’re interested in taking the next step and seeking some insights about where you should focus your energy in order to advance. Here’s what an excellent Seeker experience might look like when we’re all leaning into our new definition of feedback.

Ask for Noticing

You focus your ask with your boss and decide against a generic prompt like “How do you think I’m doing?” Instead, you opt for a detailed, specific one: “What do you see in my work or behavior that I don’t see?” This asking helps your boss know that it’s okay to give you the tough stuff, and hopefully helps you identify areas you may be blind to.

Your boss takes the challenge, and his feedback is bold and honest: “I’m concerned that you don’t see how you come across sometimes. It seems to me that your focus on results is so intense that you forget to acknowledge the others who helped get the work done.” Wow. This hurts. But you take a deep breath and tell yourself, I’m okay, I can handle this. You ask, “Can you share with me one example of when I did this so I can learn more?”

Make a Plan

You and your boss collaborate and decide to create your personal “board of Extenders.” You pick a couple of folks in your network whom you feel you can learn from. One is Carol, a colleague whose interaction style and work ethic you admire; the other is Jane. You’ve chosen to venture out of your comfort zone by enlisting Jane, since you and she often don’t see eye to eye. You’re pretty sure she’s heavily impacted by the behavior your boss is calling out, and you see this as an opportunity to reset your relationship with Jane. This is a super-Seeker move on your part, because having a diverse board made up of both fans and critics can help you tackle the problem and truly gain perspective. It’s also growth-minded of you to think, “I can learn something from anyone—even Jane!”

Go to Your Board of Extenders

Put your plan into action by seeking insights from those you’ve identified:

• Admired colleague. You set up a lunch and let Carol know that you’re committed to getting better at what you do, and that you’ve chosen her as a mentor who can share insights to further that ambition. You let her know that, even though she’s not a manager, you’ve noted her exceptional team-building skills. She thanks you for the feedback. (Score! You are now an Extender.) Carol gives you her perspective on what she finds works well and what is challenging for her when working on teams in the unit. You end with an agreement that she’ll give you a little coaching over the next few months, then you make a plan to get back together the following week.

• The critic. You ask Jane for some time to walk and talk the following week. She’s all about fitness, and taking a walk during a break makes it feel a little lighter than a heavy sit-down conversation. You let Jane know that you’re trying to get better at working within a team, and you apologize for acting in a way that may not have reflected that lately. You tell her, “I’m curious how you are feeling about our interactions in the team meetings, specifically if there are things I’m doing (or not) that seem unfair to you.” Jane says she’ll think about it and she agrees to meet again.

Work Your Plan

You’re off and running. You’ve got insights from Carol that you are testing. You have a follow-up connection scheduled with Jane, and you’re open to whatever she might share. You’ve looped back to your boss with a quick update and a reminder about further noticing he might share. It’s beginning to feel more natural working with your teammates, and you are taking the time to reflect on what’s working and how it can help you grow in other ways. The real win will come a few months down the road, when Jane invites you to take a walk and asks you to mentor her on how this “Seeker” thing works!

RECEIVERS MAKE IT REAL: AVOIDING THE FREEZE AND APPEASE

It’s time for the weekly walk-through of your blog content with the peer review board. You take great pride in your creativity, so the group’s feedback is frequently hard for you to take in with grace.

As you leave this week’s review, your publisher mentions that she’s noticed you “cave in” too quickly during the feedback and editing process. She worries that your ideas are being shortchanged, leading you to rework content in ways that may not reflect your viewpoint.

You take this feedback to heart and reflect on your past experiences. You agree that you’ve clammed up when the senior editor pushed on key ideas. Recently, you allowed a big piece to be cut that was important to you, just because the discussion was uncomfortable. After giving it some thought and testing the feedback with a few trusted peers, you’re ready to try a different approach in the weekly walk-through. You want the next session to be less of a struggle, so you commit to listening and challenging without defensiveness.

Envision the Future

This work is your portfolio. You know the kind of writer you want to be, and the nature of the content that is important to you today and for your future. You’ve taken the time to get clear on which ideas you’re willing to go to the mat for, and which ones you’re willing to let go of. This clarity empowers you as you prepare for the weekly walk-through.

Make Your Plan

Good on you for knowing that the editor’s brass-tacks style tends to send you into emotional retreat, and for understanding that, while you’re not able to control him, you can control your reaction to his communication style. You’ve also realized that your “clam up and cave in” response is not optimal, since it bogs you down in a fixed mindset. Fueled with this insight, you make your plan for the meeting by considering what techniques will help you listen and keep your cool. Maybe you take notes on two sides of a sheet of paper you’ve prepared—one half for those ideas that are being challenged but that you want to keep, the other side for those you’re willing to let go of. You plan your go-to quick physical rescue technique: take one big deep breath, exhale slowly, and say to yourself, I can listen and choose.

Manage in the Moment

When you find yourself wanting to defend during the peer review, you suspend the thought for a moment and instead contemplate what you’re hearing in light of those ideas you’ve identified as important enough to advocate for. At one point, the rapid flow of conversation leaves you in its wake, so you say, “Let’s back up and talk a little more about that for a minute.” You state your case calmly and without judgment, then ask for clarity: “I can understand why you want to scrap the piece on climate change. However, I feel differently. My view is this section is one of the key issues in this edition, so changing this alters the whole tone of the piece. How committed are you to this change?” With this question, you have invited disagreement and shown that you are willing to discuss, not just defend. This propels the conversation and allows you to find a solution that holds true to your values while incorporating feedback that will make the piece stronger.

RECEIVERS MAKE IT REAL: THE TOUGHEST (AND BEST) RECEIVING YOU’LL EVER DO

You’re up for promotion from a mid-level position in a nonprofit to managing director of a new division. You’ve overseen several administrative areas, including finance, human resources, and curriculum and instruction. You’ve enjoyed steady progress in your career and believe you’re the right candidate. You’ve worked closely with the chief executive officer and the chief financial officer, and you know Nalu, the other leading candidate, well. His career track has been similar to yours, though he’s spent half as many years at this organization as you have. If you get the job, Nalu will work for you. He’s a great worker and respected by his people, but he has a reputation for being brutally frank.

You don’t get the job. You feel strongly that you should have, and you feel angry and humiliated. You flee the building and call Nalu on the way home to “congratulate” him. Your primitive mind is at the wheel, so you say, “Hey, Nalu. Congrats. I, uh, don’t really know what happened because I feel pretty strongly that I should have the job. But that’s fine. Anyway, well done.” Nalu, in his typically blunt style, responds with the most powerful and painful feedback you’ve ever received: “Actually, you should not have this job. Know why? You’re arrogant. Look, you have a lot of strengths. You have a reputation for hitting your numbers, you know the organization, you can paint a great vision and lay out a powerful strategy, but you’re disconnected from your people and they don’t enjoy working for you. I’m honored to have this job, and I honor and value the people who work for me. That’s why I got the job and you didn’t.”

Don’t Rush to React

Your initial reaction is pure fury. Wisely, knowing you’re not in a good place, you give yourself the weekend to take this all in. On Saturday morning, you go for a long walk and decide you need to get your head together. You decide the first step is to put what you’re feeling into words. You muster the courage to honestly acknowledge your emotions in writing: I feel blindsided. I feel hurt. I’m uncertain of where I stand, which is scary. You also take time to do some much-needed self-affirmation, reflecting on the idea that the positive aspects of your identity that Nalu recognized are as much a part of your story as the negative ones he confronted you with. This self-recognition lessens the physical response to threat, and helps you become more open to this powerful and critical feedback. You also remind yourself that who you are in your work life represents only one facet of your identity: you’re also a supportive friend, a devoted community member, and a loving spouse and parent of two teenagers. The bigger picture helps you put Nalu’s feedback in its proper perspective, and you wake up Sunday morning ready to move forward. You call Nalu that evening to apologize and extend your sincere congratulations, then ask him for time to talk in the coming week.

Seek More Information

You thank Nalu for recognizing many of your strengths and for the blunt, yet painful feedback on your weak areas. Now you’re in Seeker mode as you add, “The major point I’d like your insights on is about being arrogant, aloof, and disconnected from my people. I see myself as a leader of others, ideally at this organization. So, you’re right: I need to improve. What are the one or two things you think I should start working on to move in a better direction?”

Epilogue: From Prove to Improve

Nalu was right, despite his imperfect delivery style. Fortunately, your newfound Receiver skills served you well as you accepted his blunt feedback, and you shifted your thinking from proving you were the better person for the job to improving your leadership skills. You chose to focus on the path forward, and now you’ve done the hard work necessary to change your style, aided by a year of coaching and connecting with Nalu, as well as some focused seeking from your direct reports and others. In the coming year, you’ll move to a comparable leadership role at another organization, starting fresh and emerging strong. You continue to express gratitude for Nalu’s deep and honest feedback, and you often relate the story of the mentor and peer who cared enough to tell it to you straight, of your strengths and your screwups, and how listening and making a choice for growth changed the trajectory of your career.

EXTENDERS MAKE IT REAL: NOTHING, NOTHING, THEN . . . BOOM!

You’re the boss. One of your best project managers, Mai Ling, is in charge of a team delivering the $2 million redesign of a factory shop floor in another country. A major milestone has been missed, and you get a call from your irate client.

Mai Ling has been known to miss a deadline now and then, but all in all, she’s a great performer. You know you should give feedback “in the moment,” but you let it slide for now because she works in a different country and time zone. Previously, you’ve chosen not to address earlier milestone misses, since she’s leading one of the organization’s top projects, she’s adored by her team, and she works harder than just about anyone. She’s also one of the few remaining women in the company to earn a Six Sigma Master Black Belt project improvement methodology certification. However, the tonguelashing you just received from the client has kicked your acute stress response into high gear, so you pick up the phone and let Mai Ling have it: “It was not fun getting my ass chewed by the client today, Mai Ling. You half-stepped the deadline and ruined our chances of winning the next bid. You’ve missed something like five deadlines in the past few months. What the hell is up?”

Check Your Bias

Since Mai Ling hasn’t heard anything from you about missing deadlines, you’ve set a precedent that they’re okay with you. You may be suffering from the halo effect, a bias that refers to our tendency to form a generalized positive impression of another based on a single attribute or event (in this case, the attribute is Mai Ling’s coveted Master Black Belt certification).

Increase Frequency

Practicing the Fine Act of Noticing and checking in more frequently with Mai Ling will let her know that you place a high priority on her work and are there to support her through good times and bad.

Check Your Intent

Ask yourself who this feedback is really about. You’re worked up because the client screamed at you, and it was embarrassing to be caught unaware. But before delivering feedback, think carefully about what your message should be. Is your intention to help Mai Ling learn and grow? Then make yourself heard. If it’s simply to vent, then bite your tongue.

Don’t Shame or Blame

“You half-stepped the deadline” is a judgmental statement. It’s better to mine for the facts (“Why was the deadline missed?”), describe the impact fairly (“This could mean losing work from this client next year”), and then, using whatever techniques help you remain calm, extend the conversation to seek ways to avert future problems. You might say, “I know we both want to deliver this project on time and on budget. Can you break down last week’s events and let me work with you to avoid a repeat of these issues?”

Help Mai Ling Imagine the Future

Reinforce your confidence in Mai Ling. Rather than demanding changes in her behavior or her process, help her envision how a great track record for delivering on time could drive her career growth by asking, “What steps are necessary to enhance your reputation as a consistent on-time producer in the future?” This approach should produce intrinsic motivation, which is far more likely to lead to rapid and lasting change.

EXTENDERS MAKE IT REAL: THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY

Mary has been known to be late for the weekly Monday morning stand-up. She also has a reputation as an avid social drinker outside the office, so you suspect that’s a contributing factor. Mary shows up late for the third time in a row on a Monday morning and misses the first 15 minutes of the stand-up. It feels like she is disrespecting you and the rest of her team, intentionally skipping these mandatory meetings. You tell her you need to talk to her about her drinking and how it’s not acceptable to slide in at nine a.m.

You meet with Mary behind closed doors, and as she settles into a chair across from you at your desk, you can see that her coworkers have begun to take notice of your meeting. You begin by chastising her for her tardiness, and when you mention your suspicions about her drinking, she begins to cry. She reveals that she’s recently begun taking her stepson to therapy sessions across town on Monday mornings, and that getting him to school and then making it to the office in time for the stand-up is impossible. She says that this is something she hadn’t felt comfortable discussing with you previously because it was a private family matter.

Connect First

There is real opportunity for empathy and connection here. Mary works with you daily, yet you didn’t know (until now) that she even has a stepson. It’s clearly time to get to know Mary, so set up a lunch, and work with her on a schedule that allows her to fulfill both her personal and professional obligations.

Seek a Solution Together

Together you and Mary reach the conclusion that what is really important is her participation in the stand-up, not that the stand-up occur at nine on Mondays. You agree to poll the team to see if they can shift to a noon or three p.m. stand-up on her stepson’s therapy days or set up video calls for the days when Mary or others can’t make it in person.

Moderate Positional Power and Stick to the Facts

Pulling Mary into your office while the rest of the team watches may feel like a power move or punishment. Next time, ask permission to talk, suggest moving to a private location, and sit side by side while talking. Noticing the facts and extending empathy without judgment will save you from the embarrassment of not being in the know in the future, while also giving Mary the opportunity to explain the circumstances. A good opener would be: “Mary, I’ve noticed you’ve been late for the stand-up the last few Mondays. This impacts the team because we delay our start time waiting for you, and we don’t get your team’s updates. I’m here to help. Can you share with me what’s going on?”

THE GREAT DRAMA TRIANGLE

As you’re about to close the restaurant, Sol pops his head out of the kitchen door to say goodbye, then adds, “By the way, I don’t think Mac appreciates the way you wrote up the schedule last week. You gave Sam two tip-heavy shifts on the restaurant floor, and Mac got stuck with hosting duties.” Sol tells you that Mac even went so far as to say that you’re the worst manager he’s ever dealt with.

Shut Down the Triangle

Start by asking Sol if he’d directed Mac to come directly to you when he was sharing this information—something like, “I’m curious if you asked Mac to come to me directly with that feedback?” If he didn’t, let Sol know that if he receives feedback like this again, you’d appreciate it if he’d encourage the person to come directly to you. Be straight about the behaviors you value by saying, “I really like to communicate in person with my team and talking about the schedule without me isn’t helpful because I can’t change it.”

If Sol tells you that Mac is too intimidated to speak to you directly, you might enlist Sol to be a third-party “coach” who could meet with you and Mac. Either way, let Sol know that you appreciate the insights, and that you’ll follow up directly with Mac. Assure Sol that you don’t intend to throw him under the proverbial bus, and that you’ll approach the conversation with Mac wanting to understand more about how you can work better with him.

Approach without Judgment

Let Mac know that you’d like to find a time when the two of you can discuss the scheduling. When you get together, start the conversation by sharing that you’ve heard about his frustrations. Ask him to share more about the impact your scheduling approach is having on him directly. Once you’ve taken his views in and talked about solutions together, close the conversation by noting that you’ll expect him to come directly to you with any concerns in the future.

Solutions for Sol

For Sol, the third party in the triangle, there are constructive ways for him to extract himself from the uncomfortable middle. As Mac shared his initial anger over the schedule with him, Sol might have said, “What did the boss say about this issue? Have you had that discussion?” If Mac said he hadn’t mentioned it, then Sol might suggest that doing so could lead to a solution.

If Mac continues to triangulate, Sol should ask him if he’s just venting, or if Mac expects Sol to take some kind of action. If it’s the former, Sol should let him get it off his chest, leave the words there in the room, and encourage Mac to talk to the boss. If Mac expects Sol to do something, Sol should seek clarity about what that is. He could offer to help coach Mac on how to approach you while politely declining to deliver the message for him.

You’re the Boss

If this isn’t the first time that triangulation of this nature has happened within your team, you might be realizing that you have a bigger problem. Maybe this behavi or has become the norm and it’s time to address it head-on. If this is the case, use CONNECT to engage your team in the conversation, and as a tool they can use to bust old habits.