CHAPTER FOUR

Who I Am

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.

—Abraham Lincoln

When people first meet us, they want to know who we are. Who is the person behind the name? This natural curiosity applies to leaders in a more penetrating way because leaders have power and influence. Two of the most important aspects of who you are that affect others’ dignity are how your ego appears when you interact with people and the level of integrity you display. These are shown in figure 6 as keys to “Who I Am.”

These two keys have a lot to do with how a leader uses power because ego and integrity reflect a leader’s personal sense of him- or herself in relation to others. As leaders vary a lot on these dimensions, let’s look at each in turn.

Balanced Ego

Ego is commonly defined as our opinion of ourselves, especially of our own importance or ability. It refers to a person’s sense of “I”—the conscious self that thinks, feels, and exercises will. A common way that people judge leaders’ egos is to watch how we wear the trappings of power. People’s judgments are formed by observing the leader interacting with others and from direct, personal interaction. Judgments about the leader may arise over time or, occasionally, from a compelling experience. An example of the latter was my first encounter with Jim Sinegal:

Newly hired to run the Executive Leadership Program at Seattle University, I needed to arrange an executive speaker on short notice. Exploring possibilities, I reached out to Sinegal, cofounder and CEO of Costco Wholesale. I placed a phone call, prepared to share the planned date with his assistant and hear that Sinegal was unavailable. The phone rang once, then a firm voice answered, “Sinegal.” I was stunned. What CEO of a very large, multinational firm answers his own phone?! I assumed he must have been expecting an important call and mine had interceded. Unprepared for this, I nervously explained who I was and that, although he didn’t know me, I’d like him to speak to our class. He replied briskly, “What’s the date again? What time? And what’s your phone number? I’ll have to check my calendar and get back to you.” I was certain I was being handed off to an assistant, who would call back regretting Jim’s unavailability to speak.

I’d begun wondering who else I could ask, when fifteen minutes later my phone rang. The voice on the other end said, “Marilyn, this is Jim Sinegal. The date looks OK. Where is it and what time do you need me there?” I was stunned again. He not only agreed to my request but had meant what he said about checking his calendar—then he personally called me back! Sometime later, on hearing me retell this story, Jim added, “Well, I don’t always answer my own phone, Marilyn. But if I’m sitting there free, I do.”

Despite the fact that we had not met, Sinegal’s behavior minimized the status difference between us. This display of balanced ego showed deep regard for my dignity. He certainly could have had someone else answer his phone or call me back—I would have been neither surprised nor disappointed. Many perks that come with executive positions, such as having an assistant to manage phone calls and scheduling, are designed to help leaders get more work done. But Sinegal’s gesture of returning my call himself was an unexpected, personal touch. It told me I mattered to him—that he saw me not as an intrusion in his very busy day but as a human being who deserved his regard and honesty. From this compelling exchange, I sensed Jim Sinegal’s balanced ego and I felt seen.

We do notice whether leaders emphasize or minimize the status difference between us. Leaders with a balanced ego are aware of their power but confident enough in themselves that they prefer to minimize its unnecessary display:

People appreciate leadership humility even in senior leaders. A lot of times, I’ll get asked about my work. People usually ask first about what I do, and I’ll say I work for Holland America. They might then ask what I do there, and I’ll say I’m in senior management. If they come at it a third time, they might ask what job and I’ll tell them CEO, but I usually won’t start there. —ORLANDO ASHFORD

Excessive Status Displays

In contrast with balanced ego, leaders who display high ego tend to emphasize their status in a number of ways, like ensuring that their formal title is widely known and used, that the perks of their position are broadly visible, and that others kowtow to them. They often use support services to do simple or personal tasks even when they could do the tasks on their own. They may minimize association with, or show disdain for, people who are below them in rank. Enjoying the feeling of power from having their opinions reinforced, they tend to tolerate little disagreement and surround themselves with yes-men. Leaders like this are seen by others as displaying high ego and, thus, a lack of humility. Their behaviors are self-focused (or even disrespectful of others) and these leaders harm others’ dignity by hoisting their own sense of self-worth above that of others. While some people admire the strongman model of leadership, many people today do not. People generally see high displays of ego as deeply disregarding others’ dignity. And a leader’s lack of humility hinders working together:

Humility is a strength. It’s really having confidence in yourself, so you don’t have to put on a façade. And strength in leadership is not at odds with humility. Being humble is not the same as being soft. You can have very high standards and still be humble. But, at the end of the day, I realize that I’m not the one who actually delivers the results—it’s other people who accomplish them. I play a role of getting people together to drive results. So, humility is important in doing that. —JEFF MUSSER

Arrogance and Self-Promotion

Regardless of whether they emphasize status differences, some leaders will be seen as lacking in balanced ego because they display arrogance. As indicated in chapter 2, arrogance may show up as frequent name-dropping, boasting about personal accomplishments, or making condescending or insulting comments to others that signal they are less important. Sometimes arrogant leaders, seeing themselves as the center of the organization’s success, take credit for work that actually was shared by many—and blame others or refuse to take personal responsibility for their own mistakes. While arrogance can be annoying in social contexts, it is much worse among leaders—because it is coupled with power.

This may seem like a paradox because people often need to promote themselves in order to be seen and selected into leadership positions. To distinguish themselves from the crowd and advance in their careers, they typically need to display strong confidence and make sure that others know about their accomplishments. The confusion is resolved by understanding that we are seen differently when we have power. The presence of power makes people even more concerned with who we are. So, once power is in hand, leaders need to dial back their display of ego and focus more on others.

Humility is not meekness or the opposite of strength, but it does mean being void of arrogance. It means I am not afraid. I am self-confident and can engage in dialogue and not debates. Humility means having a modest view of one’s importance, not thinking you are better, being down to earth. It also means understanding that there are universal needs, that “that man” is you, that all of us have human value. C. S. Lewis said that humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less. —ALAN MULALLY, FORMER PRESIDENT AND CEO, FORD MOTOR COMPANY AND BOEING COMMERCIAL AIRPLANES, AND FORMER PRESIDENT, BOEING INFORMATION, DEFENSE AND SPACE SYSTEMS

Self-Awareness

Having a balanced ego requires self-awareness. Leaders need an accurate sense of the strengths they bring to the context but also need to know when and how to modulate their behaviors—when to lead, when to listen, when to step back and encourage others to move forward. Gaining this requires a certain vulnerability. Leaders can’t know everything and can often learn from others in the organization—even from those who are younger, newer, or lower in status, or who come from diverse professional or cultural backgrounds. Leaders with humility are confident enough to be vulnerable. They are open to feedback, as well as able to admit their limitations and mistakes.

As a CEO, it’s true that you must have a certain ego strength to lead and survive. But practicing medicine has taught me other things. As a neurologist, specifically, I’ve seen the courage of patients and families in dealing with complex, confusing, and often tragic illnesses. I’ve come to realize the limitations we have in being able to help, and that builds humility. I’ve learned that I have some abilities and lack others. I’m often not the smartest person in the room. If I want to get something done, it helps to surround myself with those who have skills I don’t have. Our system of regular, disciplined feedback also has helped me. I once articulated a vision and thought I had been open. What I didn’t realize was that there were a lot of people who didn’t feel I was open. I hadn’t realized I was debating them; I wasn’t listening. My coach said, “Share that realization with the team, and tell them you’re working on it. Then check back and ask how you’re doing.” —JOHN NOSEWORTHY, MD, FORMER PRESIDENT AND CEO, MAYO CLINIC

Equally important to being open is a willingness to seek out critical feedback and accept it. We all need truth tellers in our lives. No one gets to be successful without mentors or coaches. And the higher that leaders go in their careers, the more they need this feedback. Paradoxically, as leaders rise in status, there are many people who try to shield them from news that is not good and fewer people who are willing to be truth tellers. Humble leaders are aware that because they hold power, there tend to be gatekeepers or palace guards around them. Realizing they need people who can give them critical feedback, leaders with humility make a genuine effort to get it:

In positions of power, there is increased risk that a leader is told what people believe they want to hear, not what people actually believe. The higher someone is in power, the more [people] curate the information they provide you. Seeking and listening to genuine feedback is essential in enabling leaders to address challenges before they become serious. When I was at REI and visiting a retail store, I generally made a beeline to the cashiers, the bike shop, the storeroom and warehouse area. I wanted to greet and listen to people who worked throughout the store. It shows respect, of course, but it’s also a great place for insight. The farther from power people are, the more willing they are to talk. I believe in connecting with people at all levels of the organization, demonstrating a genuine willingness to listen and take action. —SALLY JEWELL

Robust Integrity

Integrity means being honest and having strong moral principles. This pertains first to the leader’s personal conduct. Although some people will ignore a leader’s immorality, many others are offended. Poor integrity shows disregard for others’ dignity because many people’s sense of self-worth includes values of honesty and doing the right thing. Because they expect integrity from themselves, they don’t want to follow or associate with people who lack it. Leaders show humility (regard for others’ dignity) by behaving in ways that reflect a high standard of personal conduct, not only in their work but also in their personal lives.

In the context of work, integrity lends reliability to a leader’s words and actions. It implies that the leader is authentic and honest in communication, ensuring that actions are consistent with words. This includes timely responses to inquiries and follow-through on appointments and expected communication. It allows others to trust that what they are hearing is true, that they can depend on what the leader says, and that the leader has integrity in his or her personal standards of work.

Is perfection required? In truth, leaders handle complex situations and are often faced with tradeoffs. Public relations are also a reality. Seeking perfection in human life all but guarantees disappointment. But integrity should be robust—very strong. Leaders need to anchor their words and actions in the same values they publicly state. They need to know where the honest line in the sand is and stay on the proper side of it. And while expecting perfection may be unrealistic, some leaders confuse truth with excessive spin—or lie outright and often. They underestimate others’ ability to see through misinformation or misdeeds. Frequent or serious integrity outages are offensive to many, and lack of integrity damages working together.

Leaders need to know who they are—and how others see them—and measure that against what are eight to ten core values . . . like caring, love, giving trust before you get it. So, we have to really decide what these things mean to us. Values are not what I or anyone says, but what we actually do. . . . [H]ow do my values inform decisions and what I do? How do they inform what I want out of life?

One of the frustrations I have is watching people support politicians who lie and insult people, but say they support them for their policies. I’ll ask, “So do you value honesty and kindness to people?” They’ll say yes but not realize their actions say they really don’t value these things. I also have no problem with leaders interested in personal gain—unless they lie about it. If they say, “We’re all in this together” but give themselves heavy raises, take credit for everything, try to build their résumé, and so on, that’s not being honest. So, it’s important for leaders to be self-aware. They need to understand and live values that support other people. Ultimately, we get when we give. —HOWARD BEHAR

One implication of being clear about our values is that we must also be true to ourselves. Leaders should avoid aligning with causes and organizations that violate their own dignity and the dignity of others about whom they care. And they need to be comfortable speaking up and expressing their own views, even when it may feel awkward or unpopular:

[E]arly in my career, I used to hold back if my opinion differed from the group. I thought it might be seen as too aggressive to express a different opinion. And you do need to fit into a culture. As an Asian American, I was brought up to have the humility to blend in, not stand out. Now, I see my integrity as more important. I know I have knowledge and experience that’s relevant. So, I know it’s important to speak my truth regardless of whether it goes against what others think.

I’ve also learned that there are different ways to say it—that how you say it matters. Humility helps with this. I’ll indicate, “I don’t need everyone to agree with me, but I see things a bit differently here. And I’ll own that this is my view, but I want to express my concerns.” So, it’s important to own your truth and be confident about it, but not obnoxious. Sometimes you have to express your view two or three times to have it considered well. But you also have to be willing to listen, and to recognize that sometimes it’s best to let go of your opinion. You won’t always prevail, but it’s important to express yourself. —PHYLLIS CAMPBELL

Finally, integrity requires taking responsibility and doing the right thing. Leaders are responsible for outcomes in their zone of influence, and they need to fully accept this. It is rarely appropriate for leaders to blame others when things go wrong. This damages others’ dignity and shirks the leader’s responsibility. When a leader blames others publicly, it is seen as scapegoating—protecting oneself by sacrificing others. Instead, leaders should take public responsibility—even if they later have a private conversation with those whose mistakes contributed to the problem. By publicly taking responsibility, leaders show support for those who worked with them even though mistakes were made. The dignity of others is supported (and loyalty to the leader often increases) because they were not embarrassed. By contrast, leaders should be careful not to take credit for work others have done, but respect others’ dignity by giving credit to those who merit it. This can include public praise, if appropriate.

Organizational Impact

Balanced ego and robust integrity are important keys to leader humility because they signal to others who you are. These keys have a positive effect on many common functions that leaders perform. This section discusses the impact of ego and integrity on attracting and retaining talent, diversity and inclusion, performance management, teamwork and forging consensus on issues, and brand reputation.

Attracting and Retaining Talent

Leaders who are arrogant will have problems attracting talent if people know much about them. I once consulted with an organization whose CEO was highly regarded for his expertise, yet most people interacted with him stiffly (superficial smiles, little eye contact, minimal verbal exchange). The board’s concern was that it had great difficulty attracting senior leadership talent in its field. Too often, the company was forced to make multiple offers at excessive compensation to get someone to accept. The CEO’s peers and employees recognized that the problem was his conceit. Every conversation quickly became all about him. Not surprisingly, job candidates had discovered this too as word had gotten around professional circles, and many preferred not to work for him.

In a similar way, reputations are earned for a leader’s integrity—or immoral behavior. Few people want to work for leaders whose personal conduct is poor. Most prefer to work for those they can respect and admire. Leaders who lack integrity lose, or lose the respect of, good employees.

Diversity and Inclusion

Because everyone’s dignity is composed differently, people whose backgrounds differ from the norm (such as people of color and women) will often value aspects of their being that are not well represented or popular in the dominant culture. Having a balanced ego helps leaders avoid the pitfall of assuming that diverse team members are somehow less important. It can also help them learn how common stereotypes affect others so that, as leaders, they can avoid those stereotypes and better support the dignity of diverse stakeholders.

For example, leaders who are women and/or members of racial or cultural minority groups report specific challenges around how they are seen (“Who I Am”), much of which has been supported by research. A fairly common issue affecting female leaders is that people view the same behaviors differently, depending on who is exhibiting them:

Three quarters of my leadership team is female, and we have this discussion often. We see that people have different perceptions of style. For example, people have different perceptions about humility or anger depending on who is showing it, even if the behavior is identical. My team will point out that if a man shows anger, he’s seen as having a strong opinion, but if a woman does it, she’s seen as too emotional or out of control. We are out of balance in how the same behavior is seen and judged for different groups. We stereotype African American men, women, etc. So, people in certain groups do have to think carefully about how they would come across to others using the same behavior. —ORLANDO ASHFORD

This comment speaks to the unfortunate reality that women face a more limited range of acceptable behavior before others judge them as too meek or too arrogant, so women find they have to walk a narrower path. This is also true for men who are racial minorities:

I think there are different—and somewhat risky—challenges. There has to be a delicate balance of being humble without appearing to be too diffident. You don’t want to step back too far. There’s a presumption with white males that they are confident. For African Americans and others, an important balance has to be struck so that humility doesn’t come across as lacking in confidence. At the same time, you don’t want to be viewed as too aggressive. —ROGER FERGUSON

And those raised with different cultural norms may find that assumptions about their behavior create leadership challenges. Leaders from culturally diverse backgrounds often find that they need to adapt their behaviors to fit majority-group expectations:

On a personal level, I also had to learn how not to be stereotypical. There’s a meekness expected of Asian women. I’ve had some good coaches that helped with this. Once I was given an award, and one of them told me, “You were so humble, you looked at your shoes as if you were embarrassed to receive the award.” This same person helped me understand that my behavior discounts the giver. I had to consider that. In my Japanese upbringing, I was taught that the nail that sticks up gets hammered down. I later realized that if someone is trying to honor you, you honor them by being a welcome recipient. So, you have to own your success too but without hubris. —PHYLLIS CAMPBELL

Finally, leaders who lack ego balance, particularly those who are arrogant, will tend to assume they know everything. They are less open to hearing different views—a behavior that particularly disadvantages those whose experience is most different (such as minorities and women). Arrogant leaders tend to perpetuate systems that are uncomfortable for diverse team members.

Performance Management

“Who I Am” has a lot to do with motivating people to engage and give their all. Leaders who are arrogant are seen as being all about themselves. It is hard for others to put full energy behind leaders who are self-serving. By contrast, when leaders have a balanced ego, they genuinely regard the dignity of others. Fear and intimidation are removed from the environment, and people are more inclined to offer their best efforts.

Integrity also contributes to better performance. When leaders behave with integrity, their communication is predictable and authentic. As others find they can trust their leader, they are more forthcoming with information. This includes surfacing problems so that they can be resolved early. This improves collaboration and performance.

Teamwork and Consensus

An essential element in the work of leadership is the need to influence people, whether individually or in groups. Heavy-handed use of power and expressions of arrogance are likely to be met with counterforce. It may be possible in the short run to dominate or win, but this is likely to cause backlash later—or stalemate in the interim. Consider situations like labor strikes or government shutdowns. These represent high-stakes, win-lose tactics that affect hundreds or thousands of people. They often involve loss of pay and unavailability of services. What people really want is progress, honest communication, and compromise for a better offer. These ultimately come when the confrontation is resolved, but at the cost of resentment and deepened mistrust. Win-lose tactics tend to inflame conflict rather than resolve it, because those who have been harmed remember how they were treated and are less inclined to work together well in the future.

Win-lose strategies also encourage expressions of extreme positions. These often include distortions of fact with an accompanying loss of trust and backlash. People have reasonable access to verifying what leaders say.

Brand Reputation

Organizations make many mistakes that prove embarrassing to their brand or reputation. Because public relations are important, it is natural for leaders to want to minimize exposure of problems or misdeeds. Yet, if facts are distorted, damage to reputation occurs, and it can be long-lasting. The integrity with which leaders handle communication makes a big difference in how quickly and effectively trust is restored following public relations crises.

You can also look at the way businesses respond to crises. Humility has a BIG impact, and it affects public relations. Some leaders are defensive, but some will own their part of the problem. For example, in the mid-’90s when Nike was called out for using child labor, even though it was occurring through contractors in their supply chain, their reaction showed self-reflection and a willingness to change. That took humility. —SALLY JEWELL

Having looked at how the keys of balanced ego and robust integrity affect common leader functions, it’s important to understand specific behaviors that support these keys. Table 2 provides a sample list of dos and don’ts regarding ego and integrity.

TABLE 2. “Who I Am”: Recommended Behaviors.