STEP
5
Take Responsibility

“The price of greatness is responsibility.”

—Sir Winston Churchill

British Prime Minister and statesman

Courage is your partner as you take responsibility for your role in broken trust, because telling yourself and others the impeccable truth without exceptions, justifications, or rationalizations is very tough. Telling the truth is the fundamental basis for trust in all relationships, including those at work. By telling the truth, you begin to take responsibility and acknowledge your mistakes.

Telling the truth is the fundamental basis for trust in all relationships.

You may find that you dip back into reframing (Step Four) and forward into forgiving yourself and others (Step Six) as you go further and further down this path of healing. Step Five works hand-in-hand with those two compassion-oriented Steps.

In any relationship between two people, both parties contribute to the dynamics that unfold, whether trust is being built or broken. Taking responsibility for your part of the breakdown of trust and the resulting impact on others means looking at your actions, reactions, and resulting choices. You do so by determining what part of the situation you own, taking action to move forward, and recognizing the gains you have made by choosing the path of healing.

Determine What Part You Own

“I am only responsible for my actions and reactions. I am not responsible for someone else’s hurtful behavior or unresolved past issues. He needs to own his part and I need to take responsibility for mine and not make excuses for the mistakes I made that contributed to this situation.”

It’s fairly easy to see how a person who betrayed another would take responsibility for actions that led to the hurtful situation. It’s a little more complicated for the one who was hurt to take responsibility. In that case, the responsibility is not for the actions per se, but for putting herself in the position to be hurt and for choosing how to respond.

You may not always like your choices and therefore, consciously or unconsciously, choose not to exercise one. But you do have choices in any situation, even when you are hurting. You do not have control over how another person behaves, or how they respond to you; you do, however, always have control over how you choose to respond.

To explore what part of the experience you own, ask yourself the following questions:

What role or part did I play in the breakdown?

What did I do or not do that contributed to the betrayal?

Am I owning or disowning my part of the experience?

Am I making excuses or diverting blame away from myself?

Is it possible that I did not clearly state my needs or set firm boundaries with the other person?

Do I have a need to make the other person wrong so I can be right?

How have I betrayed myself or the other person in the relationship?

What did my inner voice tell me?

Did I listen to it?

If not, why?

Take Action

“I am still struggling with what happened. But I also know that I don’t need to stay stuck. I know things can be different. I want things to be different. Next time, I need to not take things so personally. I can’t keep beating myself up like this.

But changing this perspective will take time. It’s about defining a new set of beliefs and associated behaviors and fostering those behaviors into habits for myself. I guess it is a continuous improvement process, one step at a time.”

In Step Four, as you reframed the situation, you saw that you had a choice about whether to heal and move on, or stay stuck. With compassion as your partner, you looked at the bigger picture and were curious about extenuating circumstances. You sought to understand and looked for presenting lessons.

Here, in Step Five, you take action on that choice. You are now shifting from observing, feeling, and thinking to action.

Ask yourself these questions to identify actions you can take to move forward:

Which of my needs still need to be addressed?

What problem do I need to solve?

What information do I need and how can I get it?

What actions can I take now to take charge of the situation?

What conversations do I need to have?

What feedback do I need to provide?

What do I need to set straight?

Realize What You Gain

“While the pain I endured from this situation was profound, I now realize that I have grown so much from this experience. When it comes down to it, I see that I was repeating a pattern that I developed to protect myself a long, long time ago. Now that I understand that pattern and the impact it has on my relationships, I can catch myself before I make the same mistake again.”

We’ve said many times already that betrayal can be a teacher and a gift if you let it be. Now, as you take responsibility, the gains you’ll make through healing come to life. Whether you are the one who has been hurt or who has hurt another, you can grow from this experience. As you take responsibility, your confidence, commitment, and energy will return. How they return varies depending on your vantage point; specific sections follow here that will go into more detail.

These questions support you in realizing what you gain from taking responsibility:

What could I have done differently in this situation?

What could I learn about myself and others from taking responsibility?

What will I do differently if I’m in this situation again?

In taking responsibility, start with small steps in the right direction. These steps may not be perfect or lead to a full acknowledgment of what you own and what you can learn, but at least you are doing something and are moving in the direction of renewal. Healing takes disciplined action, particularly when you are dealing with the larger and more overwhelming challenges. Healing is like a “do-it-yourself” home project: It may not get done in a day or one weekend, and it may not look perfect to other people, but you (and maybe only you) will know the benefit of the inner work you have accomplished.

When You Have Been Betrayed

“You don’t just deal with adversity. You use it to propel you forward.”

—Erik Weihenmayer

First blind person to summit Mt. Everest

Taking responsibility for your part in a situation, particularly one in which someone else hurt you, is extremely difficult, but absolutely necessary for healing and growth. When we first met Lloyd, he didn’t think he could get over the pain of having been betrayed by a close colleague, let alone take responsibility for his part. In this section, we follow Lloyd as he finds the courage to do so.

Here’s how the story starts:

Lloyd and Jim were two trusted colleagues who worked closely together in IT at an international aid foundation. Between them they had an unwritten “contract” that they would support and cover for each other on the job. But then Jim secretly competed against Lloyd for a position he had wanted for years. The implicit contract broke down, and so did their trust.

Determine What Part You Own

Begin taking responsibility by determining your role in the breach. Healing and growth require you to be accountable for your behavior and the choices you made that may have contributed to the betrayal—even though others may have been misguided or wrong. You must always consider what your part might have been. You may need to own how you put yourself into the place that allowed you to be betrayed, and you will always need to own your choice in how you responded.

You begin to come to terms with what is yours to own by asking and answering some direct questions about what you did, or where you were emotionally, at the time the other person hurt you. After much self-reflection, here’s how Lloyd responded to these questions:

What role or part did I play in the process?

“I assumed that Jim was totally trustworthy and that he supported me going for that promotion.”

“I was so naïve that I didn’t realize that he was vying for the same position.”

“I was so trusting that I shared with him all my ideas on how to correct the system problem, knowing that the solution was critical to my application for the job.”

“I didn’t have a clue that Jim would take the ideas and methods resulting from our collaboration and claim them as his own without giving me any credit or attribution.”

What did I do or not do that contributed to the betrayal?

“When I realized what Jim had done, I was shocked. I retreated as a victim and didn’t speak up or take action soon enough.”

“In addition, I was dealing with health issues at home, so I was distracted.”

“I didn’t represent my work appropriately to the boss when I had the opportunity. That choice allowed me to be taken advantage of.”

Am I owning or disowning my part of the experience?

“Initially, I made excuses and blamed Jim for what he had done to me. I was angry, hurt, and extremely resentful.”

“I now realize that I did not clearly set firm boundaries with Jim regarding my expectations of him.”

“I did not update my understanding of his interest by asking him if he planned to apply for the job.”

The next piece you need to own is your reaction to being hurt. The opposite of owning your reaction is choosing to remain a victim. Feeling like a victim does nothing to improve your situation; infact, it makes you feel powerless and hopeless. When you are in pain, you tend to project your feelings onto others and abdicate any responsibility regarding the situation. In short, you blame others for your position and your pain.

When you are in pain, you tend to project your feelings onto others.

Take Action

After owning your part in the situation, the next step is taking action. The first move will almost always be a decision to forgo the victim posture in favor of forward momentum.

The core question in this phase of taking responsibility is:

What actions can I now take to take charge of the situation?

Lloyd answered with:

“I will be more cautious with Jim and safeguard my work.”

“If I have to work with Jim in the future, I will set clear boundaries and lay out stringent working agreements before I collaborate with him.”

“I will present and promote my original work more vigorously to key stakeholders in the organization.”

“I will speak up more readily when I feel taken advantage of. I will make sure that I get credit for that which is mine to claim.”

Realize What You Gain

Taking responsibility causes you to leverage your pain to understand your underlying, self-limiting issues. When you back up that self-discovery with action, you move yourself to a new plateau of self-awareness, performance, and possibility. You are on the edge of renewal. In that way, taking responsibility for your behavior can reframe a betrayal into a life-transforming event.

Dennis, for instance, used a 1975 life-threatening accident and a sense of abandonment to propel him to a new way of living and through a Master’s degree in holistic health. Dennis’s gain was lifelong health, a new career, and most importantly, the knowledge that he can turn any negative situation into a positive benefit, no matter what happens to him.

Likewise, Lloyd gained perspective about his self-limiting behaviors that were getting in the way of his fully expressing himself at work.

What have I gained by going through this experience?

“I recognize that I need to protect my project work and research appropriately so I don’t put myself in a vulnerable position.”

“I know now that I need to stand up for myself.”

“I also realize that making Jim wrong so I could be right was not productive or helpful to him or to me. In fact, in doing so, I betrayed myself by giving away my power to him. I won’t make that mistake again.”

“From now on, I am going to listen to my inner voice when it tells me to be more cautious.”

When You Have Betrayed Others

We are often inspired by the courage of our clients and the personal and professional growth they achieve through healing. In Step Two, we introduced you to one of these clients we called Nina for the purposes of this book. She had betrayed the confidence of a colleague, Ted, by telling his boss that he was applying for a job in a different division. We pick up her story as she reframes the experience and takes responsibility for having hurt another:

For several weeks, Nina tried to apologize to Ted but he continued to shun her. Nina was truly flattened by her shame and remorse. But at home she complained to her husband that Ted was “overreacting” and not forgiving her. At one point, her husband supported her by being very direct with her. “What you did was really wrong, Nina. Face it.”

In response, Nina turned her attention from Ted’s reaction to herself. Neither blaming Ted for his reaction nor beating herself up for her mistake were taking her forward. After much self-reflection, she came to realize that she had been feeling vulnerable in her new position. Sharing information had felt like power: She demonstrated to her boss how well connected she was. In so doing, she had betrayed herself and her genuine talent for building relationships.

As she began to take full responsibility for her action and for her underlying vulnerability, she stopped beating herself up for her mistake. She took action by reminding herself of her strengths. In this place, she was able to make a full apology to Ted for the first time. She acknowledged the full impact the violation had had on Ted and took full responsibility for her actions without any defensiveness.

While she wasn’t able to make a meaningful restitution to Ted, she learned a lesson about boundaries that she has applied since. Every time someone shares potentially sensitive information with her, Nina asks very directly if it’s OK to share it with others. In the twenty-five years since she began that practice, Nina has never again violated a confidence.

When you hurt another person, it is critical for you to own your behavior. In so doing, you open the door to healing. You take responsibility when you acknowledge your mistake first to yourself and then to the other person. Apology is another word for the authentic and complete acknowledgment you make to the person you hurt; our tips for apology are included in the box. Making that apology is the major action you need to take to come to terms with your responsibility.

Before you can apologize to someone else, you first need to be responsible to yourself, and to understand fully what you are apologizing for. Without that understanding, the apology is empty and superficial. Preparing to make an apology involves noticing any defensiveness you may still have and checking to see if you betrayed yourself by the hurtful actions you took.

Defensiveness will cloud the issue and impact the effectiveness of your outreach to the person you betrayed. You must be able to be totally present with the other person in order to make a full apology. Nina had to first stop blaming Ted for his reaction and then stop beating herself up before she was able to be present and responsible enough to make an effective apology to Ted.

Self-betrayal occurs when you act against your core values. As you prepare to apologize, be honest with yourself. Were you centered and grounded, or were you acting out of fear or rushing? Nina was vulnerable in her new role and in her desire to stand out; in that place, she compromised one of her core values. When you behave outside your values, you hurt yourself and others. If you can include in your apology how you betrayed yourself, you will show your authentic ownership of your actions and honor your integrity.

“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.”

—Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)

Often, three simple words—“I am sorry”—demonstrate taking responsibility and go a long way in rebuilding trust. But a true apology is more than words: you also need to take action to restore the relationship. As John Kador said in his book Effective Apology, “Apology demands that we extend ourselves by actually doing something.”¹

As you think about what actions to take to help repair the relationship, remember to give back more than was perceived to be taken away. We like to say “Make Amends and Return with Dividends.” Rebuilding trust does not simply mean giving back what was taken away. It means returning something more than was taken away.

What does this concept look like in practice?

If you were late in delivering your report last time, deliver the report earlier than expected next time.

If you took too much time for your part of the presentation in your last meeting, next time give your team members most of your allotted time.

If you are perceived to micromanage an employee, give him a larger role or responsibility in a key project when appropriate.

In thinking about what you are going to do differently going forward so that you are less likely to hurt this person or others again, consider two lessons that many people learn from having hurt others:

Manage expectations. Avoid future betrayals by keenly managing expectations. A second betrayal hurts exponentially more than the first. People want to know what they can expect of you and then they want to trust that you’ll follow through. To sustain trust in your relationships: under-promise and over-deliver.

Keep your promises. Be careful of what you promise and what you appear to promise. Don’t make promises that you know you can’t keep. As soon as you realize that you may not be able to keep your promises, be upfront and renegotiate.

The final part of taking responsibility is recognizing personal gains you make by doing so. For instance, when you, like Nina in the earlier example, shift from beating yourself up for hurting the other person to taking action to make amends, you shift from being powerless to powerful.

As your sense of personal power returns, so will your confidence. Instead of hanging your head in shame, you can give back more and hold your head high. You will once again feel committed to this and other relationships, and gain energy from knowing that you did the right thing by apologizing and taking responsibility through actions.

Here are some of the gains people have expressed to us after they have taken full responsibility for hurting another:

“I am a better collaborator because I check my assumptions.”

“I am more trustworthy now because I know the pain of letting down another.”

“I am a better team member because I have learned that when I am stressed, I need to slow down, take a moment to breathe and clearly assess the situation instead of pushing forward and making unnecessary mistakes.”

“I am more responsible. When I feel I have to prove myself to others, I ask myself, ‘Where is that feeling coming from? Is it fear? Pride? Lack of competence?’”

When you make a mistake that lets others down and take responsibility for it, you gain invaluable wisdom that pervades all aspects of your life.

When You Want to Help Others Rebuild Trust

“We must become the change we want to see.”

—Mahatma Gandhi

The best thing you can do to help others take responsibility is to authentically practice the behaviors that you want others to practice. In other words, you have to walk the talk. Supporting someone in taking responsibility is more than having a toolbox of methods and techniques. Support in this Step relies on your presence; that is, how you genuinely show up in your interactions with others.

Think about how you feel when people you trust are not taking responsibility or owning their part of situations. How likely are you to take advice from them? Consider:

The HR professional who admonishes you for bashing the company, yet incessantly gossips about co-workers behind their backs.

The union steward who promises you the world if you join the union, but has a reputation for not keeping his word.

A team leader who tells her employees to bring grievances through proper channels, but frequently flies off the handle and yells at her employees when issues arise.

A peer coach who directs his mentee not to make assumptions, while he is making assumptions about what his mentee did, thought, or felt.

Clearly, you do not want to emulate the behavior in these examples. They represent the opposite of trustworthy role modeling. Your effectiveness in supporting others to take responsibility will be predicated on how responsible you are perceived to be. The box gives more details about how to inspire others through your example.

Now that you are in a good place and feel confident that someone can trust you, your primary task is to help the other person see her role in the situation. Remind her that while she may not have had control over what happened, she does have control over how she chooses to respond.

Once she agrees to take responsibility for her response, you may help her by asking her the questions listed in this chapter. Much of her work will be in her head and heart, and she may need time away from you to wrestle with accepting full responsibility and taking action. In many cases, you may need to pose the same question time and time again before she can own everything that is hers to own in the situation.

Trust Tip When people are feeling vulnerable and in pain, they tend to project their feelings onto others, particularly onto leadership. Helping people to accept responsibility for how they respond to betrayals supports both them as individuals and the organization as a whole.

Taking responsibility is indeed very tough and personal work. You support the other person by acknowledging his courage, offering your own, and recognizing the actions that he is taking to rebuild trust and apply the lessons learned. Remember to celebrate every small step, for those small steps add up to significant movement forward toward renewal.