STEP
4
Reframe the Experience

“You are in charge of your own attitude—whatever others do or circumstances you face. The only person you can control is yourself.”

—Marian Wright Edelman
Founder and President of Children’s
Defense Fund

Step Four is a turning point in your healing. With compassion as your partner, you reframe the situation from pain to gain by seeing the bigger picture surrounding the event, focusing on your choices and opportunities, and identifying the lessons you can learn. The gifts that come from healing are within your reach.

Reframing your perspective on a breach of trust—whether you were hurt or hurt someone else—can help you to see the greater purpose of this experience in your life.

It is as if you are on an archeological dig, only this is an exploration within yourself. You’ll go deep inside to seek wisdom through genuine inquiry. Through reframing, you are able to transform your experience of loss, fear, or vulnerability to a rite of passage. You will be able to use the hurt and pain as stepping-stones to professional and personal growth and renewal. Whether the betrayal was intentional or unintentional, you learn to listen to and trust in your Higher Self. You develop an understanding and respect for relationships and your trustworthiness deepens, allowing you to have a greater and deeper influence on others and on your workplace.

Depending on the intensity of the situation and “which side” you are on, you may be able to reframe a situation right away, or it may take time to develop a deeper level of understanding. Over time—days, weeks, perhaps months or years—you will experience waves, or deeper layers, of understanding about relationships, life, and of yourself. All in all, reframing revolves around answering the core questions in the box.

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”

—Confucius

See the Bigger Picture

We know it may be hard for you to see beyond your pain. A person who was badly hurt once said to us, “You’ve got to be kidding. There is no bigger picture that would explain this behavior.” His response is quite understandable. We encouraged him—and we encourage you—to look in three directions to gain a broader perspective: beyond yourself, into the other person’s experience, and within yourself.

No matter how bad you have it, someone else has it worse.

Beyond Yourself

Compare your situation to what may be happening to others within your division, organization, industry, or community. No matter how bad you have it, someone else has it worse. Have your hours been cut? Think of those who have lost their jobs entirely. Did a co-worker not deliver his part of the project this time? Consider that there are people in your position in other divisions who never have help on a project. Did you learn of your company’s merger by reading about it in the newspaper? Ask yourself if your management might have been contractually required to keep quiet, or if they even knew that the news was going to hit the paper. Perhaps they were as caught off-guard as you were.

Into the Other Person’s Experience

Seek to learn what might have been going on for the other person or people involved in the situation. In this way, you reframe with compassion and begin the forgiveness that is in Step Six. Many factors contribute to why people behave the way they do. That’s why it is important to come from a place of compassion to understand the bigger picture and extenuating circumstances, whether you are seeking to understand why someone betrayed you or why someone reacted so intensely to your behavior. Ask what might have been going on for the other person that caused him or her to act or react in this way.

Was she under pressure, trying to meet unrealistic deadlines and feeling pushed up against the wall?

Was he under stress because he was up all night with a sick child?

Is she worried that she may lose her job and therefore feeling afraid?

Was he hurting, in pain, and acting in a state of confusion?

Did she strike out at you in an attempt to protect herself?

Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes allows you to understand extenuating circumstances. Doing so allows you to develop compassion for others involved. One of our clients, Larry, was able to reframe a situation with just such compassion:

Larry felt very let down. Over the last six months, he had noticed that Vicki, previously his strongest player, wasn’t performing well. He spoke with her repeatedly about missed deadlines. In each conversation, she promised to do better. When she didn’t improve, Larry met with Vicki.

“Please help me to understand what is contributing to this slippage in your performance. I don’t want to take disciplinary steps, but I am afraid that it’s getting to the point that I have no choice.”

Overcome by humiliation, Vicki mustered the courage to tell Larry that she had been suffering from depression. She let him know that this condition made it difficult for her to concentrate and impacted her productivity. She explained that she had been too embarrassed to tell him.

With this broader perspective, Larry let Vicki know that he understood what she was going through: His wife suffered from bouts of depression. He was able to shift from considering disciplinary steps to offering compassionate measures to equip Vicki with work arrangements that supported her treatment path. Over time, Vicki returned to her previous level of high performance.

Within Yourself

Next, consider what else might have been going on for you that could have contributed to your behavior or reaction to a situation.

What caused you to act in such a way?

Were you overtired, stressed-out, rushing, or pushing?

Were you over-reacting because the pain from unresolved past hurts was surfacing?

Were you yourself feeling betrayed and acting out of self-defense?

Were you feeling ganged-up on and responding out of fear?

Were you feeling vulnerable?

Looking at your broader experience helps you to put the situation into proper perspective. You extend compassion to yourself when you allow yourself to see that you were in a space of fear or vulnerability and lost your footing. You can then shift from beating yourself up to understanding yourself. You allow yourself to be human, and become prepared to take responsibility for your learning and address your vulnerability in Step Five.

“We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.”

—Anais Nin
Novelist and diarist

Focus on Choices and Opportunities

Bad things happen to people all the time. It’s not what happens to you that really counts; it’s what you choose to do about it that makes a difference. One of our clients came to realize that when he exercises choice, he opens up a “vast field of opportunities and possibilities” that were not available to him when he was stuck in the victim mode.

What you focus on will determine your outcomes. Focus on the damage that was done and live in the past, or focus on the positive possibilities and opportunities and move forward. When you change your attitude, you change your life.

“Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”

—Anonymous

Identify the Lessons

The challenges you face, the mistakes you make, and the patterns you repeat provide you with the lessons you need to learn. We have found that the more an individual resists a situation and the related lessons, the more the situation works against him or her.

Often, a pattern will repeat itself again and again until you pay attention. Acknowledging what you have learned through a situation, as painful as the situation may be, supports healing.

We all have struggles in relationships; they come in different shapes and sizes, at different times, and in various timeframes. Sometimes the lessons can appear and be applied even before significant damage is done to the relationship:

Michelle recently began working with a new client, Mike. Michelle’s role was to provide support to Mike as he worked to address the accumulated effect of patterns of trust-breaking behavior that were dramatically impacting his team’s performance. His organization was in an acute state of pain.

As she arrived for her second visit, she felt a shift in Mike. The warmth, receptivity, and easiness she had experienced with him at her initial visit were replaced with distance and seeming aloofness. Michelle was disturbed and internally wondered, “What is going on here: Has there been a shift in his interest?”

Before she moved too far down the road of doubt, Michelle collected herself and asked a question. “Mike, is there something going on that I don’t know about? Is there anything troubling you that would be helpful for me to know?”

Mike responded candidly and with frustration, “Now that you ask, yes, there is. I have tried to reach you for the last two days and am deeply disturbed that you have not returned my phone calls. If I can’t reach you, I question to what extent we can be successful making movement here.”

Mike also shared that he perceived that Michelle was too busy and had “more important” clients. He needed to know that his team counted and would have her attention. Michelle felt like a deer caught in the headlights; she had no knowledge of his calls. She acknowledged his frustration and shared his alarm. They then did some quick trouble-shooting, which helped Michelle discover a malfunction in her cell phone voicemail delivery system that had caused messages to be delayed.

On the surface, this may sound like a rather insignificant incident. However, its very simplicity highlights how such breakdowns create doubt. As Michelle and Mike were able to move through this breakdown in a matter of minutes, it provided perspective and a reference point that built further trust in their relationship.

Together, they recognized how quickly assumptions can impact perceptions and how important it is to check them out. Mike learned that he could bring a concern to Michelle’s attention and that she was willing to listen. Michelle knew that Mike was able to hear a broader perspective and that he did not need to be “right.” She recognized how vulnerable he was feeling and how the state of his organization was coloring his reaction. She saw signs that he needed compassion. They were both reminded of the lessons to challenge assumptions, to seek understanding before affixing blame, and to articulate and address frustrations before they cause a breakdown in a relationship.

On a more practical level, Michelle discovered a glitch in her new cell phone carrier’s voicemail system that needed to be fixed.

Sometimes you may find yourself stuck in challenges and unable to see lessons. Emotions and feelings of frustration continue to rise to the surface and you just can’t seem to move past them. You may wonder, “What is my problem? Why can’t I get past this?”

We have found that when people are stuck in finding the lessons inherent in the situation, one of two dynamics is often at play. There may be another element of what happened that needs to be more fully acknowledged. Or, it may be that the current event has triggered memories of past experiences that weren’t fully healed. In either case, reaching out for support will bring you nurturing compassion that can help you shift from seeing obstacles and looking at what was not or what has been lost, to opportunity and what has been gained. You reframe when you look for that greater purpose.

When You Have Been Betrayed

When you have been hurt, start reframing by gaining a broader perspective. As painful as your situation may be, it is unlikely to be “life and death.” Remind yourself of people who have it worse. Take some time to gather some facts around the event. We worked with one department in which employees felt betrayed by a new supervisor’s unfair “decision” to allow only some “favored” employees to telecommute. When they finally asked the supervisor about it, he answered that he had inherited these situations and he was very open to extending them to others in the department if they asked. The employees’ assumptions had simply been wrong.

Take a look at Jo Ellen’s story to learn more about the destructive power of assumptions:

Jo Ellen’s boss did not select her for a promotion. Instead, she brought in someone from outside the organization for the new Operations Director role. Jo Ellen was hurt, but, because of her pride and at the risk of feeling incompetent, she never asked her boss why she was not chosen for the director’s job. She assumed that her boss didn’t value her contribution or have confidence in her abilities.

Because she had to work with the new Operations Director, Jo Ellen just decided to push on. She tried to improve her skills in her current role while she buried her feelings, and felt wronged and sorry for herself. She distanced herself from her boss who once was a close friend and confidant.

Three years passed. While in a performance review session with her boss and the Operations Director, they both acknowledged how much Jo Ellen had grown professionally in her role, particularly in the area of executive coaching. They recognized her increased value and contribution to the organization.

At that moment, Jo Ellen realized that not getting that director’s position was probably the best thing that could have happened to her at that time. She now understood that if she had been consumed with managing day-to-day operations, she would not have been able to improve and hone her coaching skills as she had done. She was able to reframe the situation: In her enhanced position, she had been able to make a greater contribution to the organization and develop a specific and valuable skill.

Afterward, her boss approached her and shared how much she missed their formerly close relationship. Surprised and moved, Jo Ellen shared similar sentiments of the loss she experienced.

As you can see from Jo Ellen’s story, you can focus on the obstacles and the loss by choosing to play the victim and remain hurt, wronged, and feeling sorry for yourself. Or, you can choose to see the opportunity by working through the pain of disappointment and frustration, or of feeling wounded and misunderstood.

Jo Ellen was finally able to reframe, and in that moment was able to see the cost of her victimhood. By not checking out her assumptions, she had lost the close relationship with her boss for over three years.

When we share with our clients the concept that you can choose to work through the pain of disappointment, frustration, hurt, or of feeling wronged and misunderstood, a number often respond, “But you don’t really understand. I was wronged. I was betrayed. I hurt and I deserve to get back and get even.”

The unarticulated underlying statement is, “Because I was wronged, I have a right to feel helpless and victimized. I have a right to wallow in my self-pity.” Some people remain victims for days, months, and even years. Their attitude is fraught with frustration, irritation, and disappointment. They are attached to making others wrong.

Others choose to work through the pain by releasing the hurtful feelings in constructive ways, with an open, optimistic, and positive outlook. They learn powerful lessons about themselves and grow through the process. Jo Ellen learned that she tended to focus on the negatives rather than the positives, and that everything has a purpose, even though she may not understand or realize it until long after the event has occurred.

When You Have Betrayed Others

“You learn more from losing than you do with winning.”

—John McEnroe
Former No. 1 World Professional
Tennis Player

If you have betrayed another, a big part of reframing is thinking about what else was going on for you. For instance, if you yourself were feeling betrayed, you were more likely to betray another. Being hurt gives you a feeling of “validation” to betray another: “Because they betrayed me, I feel justified in betraying them back.” In that space, you are less likely to listen to your better judgment. Then, you are likely to betray yourself by acting in ways inconsistent with your values and who you are.

Let’s look back at the story of Kerri and Kim that we introduced in Step One. Kim felt betrayed by Kerri, her boss, who had taken on consulting assignments while on an extended medical leave. In coming to terms with what she had done, Kerri began to understand that she had behaved in the very way her boss had behaved toward her. She had felt used and taken advantage of by him, so she used and took advantage of him in return. She lied about not being well enough to return to work while, at the very same time, she was working elsewhere. She lost sight of the impact of her choice on her team.

Through these actions, Kerri betrayed not only her team, but also herself. In her own pain, she lost herself and what she stood for. Betrayal of self, whether in reaction to being betrayed or as an outcome of being under severe stress, is often at the root of betraying behavior.

Kerri’s situation shows that in reviewing your role in a hurtful situation, it may be helpful to look deeper, beyond the surface of this one experience, and observe whether you were repeating a pattern. Are there similar themes in the nature of the trust-breaking mistakes you make? What lessons can you learn about yourself? Does the following admission from one of our clients resonate with you?

“I can’t tell you how many times I have made mistakes and ended up hurting others and myself due to my rushing to do too much in too little time, pushing to meet unrealistic deadlines. I have repeated this painful lesson throughout my life and it has cost me, and those around me, way too much. Through my thoughtlessness and carelessness, I have deeply hurt others and myself.”

In taking stock of the times you may have hurt others out of carelessness or mistakes you made while rushing, you may begin to see patterns that lead to broad lessons. For Michelle, this lesson of pushing too hard to achieve a goal at the cost of pain to herself and others around her gave her life much, much more than the benefit of achieving one specific goal.

As you become more aware of the patterns of these challenges and the lessons they are trying to teach, you are able to approach challenges and work through them more purposefully because each has deeper meaning in the context of your life. They may or may not be easier to deal with. However, over time, you become more able to embrace these challenges with less fear and resistance. Instead you will approach them with more curiosity and wonderment.

Once you understand your patterns and have raised your awareness, you are better able to “step up to the plate” for your next challenge or assignment with greater preparedness. Through insight, you will make different choices, ones that are more in relationship with who you are and how you want to bring yourself to others.

When You Want to Help Others Rebuild Trust

Your first step to help someone reframe a situation is to clarify your intentions. Be aware of your own needs that might taint or get in the way of you effectively coaching another.

When you give support, you are creating a sacred space for healing. You build a safe container through your compassion and personal experience. By referencing situations, perspectives, and lessons beyond the scope of the situation at hand, you give the other person options for reframing. At the same time, you’re likely to learn even more about your own experience as you apply the lessons you learned to someone else’s situation.

When people are stuck or in pain, they cannot see that which may be clear to you.

Remember that before the person you are supporting can reframe the situation, he needs go through the first three Steps for Healing. It is only after he has effectively engaged those three Steps that he is able to receive probing about the possibilities and opportunities that the challenge may provide.

At that point, you can help the individual by asking questions. You can use the questions for reframing that were listed earlier in this chapter to help guide your discussions. When people are stuck or in pain, they cannot see that which may be clear to you.

Sometimes, helping someone to see his options and gain perspective involves giving assignments. We often give assignments to our executive coaching clients, to support them in shifting from feeling at the mercy of changing circumstances (whether they are internal to the organization, such as challenging employee dynamics, or external, such as shifting market conditions). These assignments help leaders to reframe their perspective so they can actively take responsibility in the situation.

Trust TipHealing is a process of inquiry. Reflecting on reframing questions helps us to understand the context of the betrayal or loss, and to sort out our thoughts and feelings regarding the experience.

You can help others learn to reframe tough situations at work, such as moving through change, dealing with restructuring, or working through betrayal, by giving assignments that break the big healing process into manageable chunks. Be sure to follow up to see what creative ideas the person you are helping came up with and what support he or she needs in moving forward to implement the ideas.

Remember also to recognize the work it takes to complete these assignments, as well as other aspects of the healing process. When you acknowledge a colleague’s efforts to reframe an experience, you validate his decision to move from being a victim to making a conscious choice to heal. You help him celebrate his return from his deep plunge within himself. Encourage him to give thanks for what he has, and then ask for what he wants. In leading that articulation, you help to create the energy needed to make the shift away from pain.