STEP
6
Forgive Yourself and Others

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

—Lewis B. Smedes

Through reframing and taking responsibility, you have shifted from blame and judging to understanding—understanding about what happened and why, and understanding about your choices, opportunities, and lessons. You have embraced what is yours to own. Step Six, Forgiving Yourself and Others, is about using compassion as your partner to transition from that foundation of understanding and responsibility to the courage of letting go in Step Seven.

In forgiving, you ask what needs to be said or done to put this situation to rest. With forgiveness, you create your future by working through your feelings and changing your attitude about the past. Forgiveness allows you to heal from being hurt or let down, or from the pain of recognizing that you hurt someone else. When you don’t forgive, you block your healing and thereby betray yourself. How? By not giving yourself the gift of growing from the experience. Importantly, forgiveness is not about forgetting. While you let go of blame and judgment, you continue to grasp the lessons you learned. Those lessons are often deep truths about yourself.

Authentic forgiveness of yourself and others is emancipating. In forgiving, you free yourself from the burden of bitterness and resentment. You let go of the need to judge others and yourself. Blaming and begrudging others depletes your energy and spirit, and interferes with your relationships and performance. Forgiveness frees blocked positive energy and dissipates destructive negative energy so that you can get back to work and life with renewed confidence and commitment.

To support your healing, consider and gain clarity on the answers to the following questions:

What are the reasons why you are not able or willing to forgive?

What are signs or indicators that you have not forgiven?

How does not forgiving play out in your professional life?

How does not forgiving play out in your personal life?

Forgive Yourself

It may be obvious that you need to forgive yourself if you were the one to betray someone else. But if you were the one who was hurt, forgiveness of self may be less obvious. Many times, people who were betrayed look back at the situation and beat themselves up for having put themselves in the position to be hurt:

“How could I have been so naïve? How could I have been so foolish? If only I had asked more questions.”

No matter your role in the situation, you begin to forgive yourself by acknowledging that you did the best you could at the time. Perhaps, for whatever reason, it wasn’t enough—but it was what it was. Beating yourself up mentally and emotionally is worthless and self-defeating. Re-spinning situations in your head is unproductive for you and for everyone around you. Such behavior depletes the energy you need in order to choose alternative, more productive courses of action and find compassion for the other person. Just as you cannot love another until you love yourself, you cannot forgive another until you forgive yourself.

Forgiving yourself is therefore more fundamental and as important as forgiving others. In forgiving yourself, be candid, clear, courageous, and responsible.

Be candid in honestly facing the facts, admitting any wrongdoing and/or your faults, and acknowledging the pain you caused others or yourself.

Be clear in your head by putting your inner critic on mute and letting go of any shame so that you can make way for an open, forgiving heart.

Be courageous in facing your fears and other self-imposed barriers.

Be responsible in identifying precisely what you are forgiving yourself for.

Above all, extend compassion to yourself. Pema Chödrön, Buddhist nun, author of When Things Fall Apart and resident teacher at Gampo Abbey in Nova Scotia, encourages each of us to have compassion for the parts of us that we are not proud of, that “we feel are not worthy of existing on the planet.”¹

The parts that Chödrön speaks of refer to what is sometimes called our “shadow side.” Dr. Carl Jung coined this term to describe the unconscious, undeveloped, and denied aspects of us that include the dark, rejected parts. Though we tend to be unaware of our shadow side, it significantly influences our behavior and often contributes to our role in a betrayal situation. Becoming more aware of our shadow side will help us to feel compassion, first for ourselves, and then for others. When we accept our shadow side, we are more able to forgive others and ourselves and move on.

Forgive Others

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

—Mahatma Gandhi

While forgiving others is most necessary for those who have been hurt, this underlying process of extending compassion to others is important to everyone involved in the situation—whether you are the one hurt, the one who hurt another, or someone seeking to help others rebuild trust.

Forgiveness does not mean that you condone the betrayal behavior. In forgiving, you are not saying that the act of betrayal was okay. You are simply saying that you understand and that you have learned from the experience.

In the 2006 movie Peaceful Warrior based on Dan Millman’s novel The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, the Dan Millman character says, “The hardest ones to love are usually the ones who need it the most.”² This concept is also very true of forgiveness: The hardest ones to forgive are those who need it the most. The one who needs it most is the person who hurt you, and that’s why you’ll find more information about how to forgive others in the “When You Have Been Betrayed” section that follows.

“If you knew the secret history of those you would like to punish, you would find a sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all your hostility.”

—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Over the last two decades of working with people at all levels in building and rebuilding trust in the workplace, we have experienced the incredible power of forgiveness in repairing broken working relationships. Forgiveness is strength and there is power in humility. When the forgiveness is genuine, there is power in the moment. The spirit of forgiveness moves people: old grudges are forgotten, festering wounds are healed and bad blood is cleansed and turned into thriving new partnerships. It takes courage and compassion to ask for forgiveness, and it takes greater courage and compassion to forgive yourself and others. Forgiveness will probably be the most challenging Step along your healing journey. You will need to muster up all of your energy, collect all your compassion, and do what you have been avoiding for a long time.

It takes courage and compassion to ask for forgiveness

When You Have Been Betrayed

“I need to forgive myself for being so naïve. I was working hard and doing all I could to keep up, and I was blindsided. Now I know better. I will forgive the person for betraying me, because carrying the anger is wearing me down. But I will never forget the lessons I have learned—nor should I. They were too costly to gain and too valuable to forget.”

When someone betrays you, your feelings can range from mild frustration to significant disappointment and, in some cases, all the way to hate. In this emotional space, it is very natural and easy to focus on the other person and what they did. But in order to be able to forgive your betrayer, you need to shift that focus from that person to your wounded self.

First seek to forgive yourself for your role in the situation. Time and again, we hear people who have been betrayed say things like:

“I was ashamed that I had been duped. Aren’t I smarter than that?”

“Haven’t I been around the block a time or two? Shouldn’t I have seen this coming?”

“Am I not smarter than this? How could I have let myself be put in this position?’

“Did I let pride get in the way of reason? Am I too arrogant to think I could be tricked?”

“Am I a professional failure because I got distracted by what was going on at home?”

“Am I weak because I was ill and therefore vulnerable? Will I be able to continue my career?”

“Why am I so sensitive? I wish I could just “toughen up” at work so things would roll off of me like they do for others.”

Beating yourself up with questions like these does no good whatsoever. Make the distinction between the “look within yourself” aspect of reframing and unproductive self-bashing. Yes, you need to understand what was going on for you that allowed you to be hurt or caused you to react the way you did. Take that understanding, decide what you have to gain from addressing the underlying issue, and move on. When you accept who you are and take action to go forward, you forgive yourself. Reciting affirmations (see box) solidifies your commitment to self-forgiveness.

Forgive Others

Forgiving your betrayer begins by detaching yourself from that person. It takes significant inner strength and compassion to forgive, especially in the case of a major intentional betrayal. It takes courage to resist striking back and to take the high road. It takes courage to distance yourself from the instinct to seek revenge, as exemplified by this story Michelle shares about her late father.

During the Korean War, my father, Jack R. Chagnon, was held in captivity by the Chinese for almost forty months. The camp in which he was confined was located in Northern Korea along the Chinese border, a desolate part of the world with extraordinarily long, cold winters. The quality of life in the prison was deplorable, beyond what any of us can imagine. Dad recounted the forgiveness he extended upon his release to a prison mate we’ll call “Sergeant,” even though that man betrayed him and brought him considerable hardship.

At night we slept in grass huts on dirt floors. We were dying like flies. During the day we walked and walked and walked. We knew that if we stopped, we’d die. We lived from meal to meal. We would get one maggot-infested bowl of sorghum, soybeans, or millet in the morning around eight and the second one in the afternoon around four; that was it.

We were all weak and emaciated. I don’t think I weighed 100 pounds. Hungry and cold all the time, we lived in constant fear that we’d get sick. It was an environment where everybody was fighting for survival. Some prisoners looked out for themselves at the expense of other people by ratting on them for candy, cigarettes, or extra bowls of rice.

When a fellow American prisoner, “Sergeant,” ratted on me to the Chinese guards, I experienced an even more grueling phase of my captivity. It was all about socks. As prisoners, we wore thin canvas sneakers. One winter, it was so cold that our captors gave us each a threadbare blanket. I cut off a corner off my blanket and made myself a pair of socks with it. I could put my feet in these makeshift socks and then slip them into the sneakers. They would give me a little bit of protection from the extremely cold weather.

One day the Chinese shook down our barracks and found that I had cut my blanket. A buddy told me Sergeant had ratted on me for an extra bowl of rice.

I had to go before the camp commandant and two Chinese officers to explain my actions. I answered that my feet were cold and I was standing out in the snow all day with canvas sneakers. My punishment was three months alone in a hole in the ground in a constant state of bitter coldness. To this day, I do not know how I survived it.

Several months after my release, I was approached by my Company Commander who asked me if I knew of Sergeant’s “collaboration” with the Chinese while we were in captivity. I said yes, I know what he did. The Commander went on to ask if I would cooperate with formal Court Martial proceedings against him. I replied that I would, but only if I was ordered to do so; I didn’t want to do anything to hurt him.

When I asked Dad how it was that he came to forgive Sergeant, he shared that when he was in captivity, his focus was on staying alive. When he was released, his focus was on living his life and building a future for himself. He said that he came to discover that during adversity some people lose hope and in that lost hope they betray others along with themselves. In time, he saw Sergeant as a desperate man who had lost hope and succumbed to disgraceful behavior. Dad also learned that it was not in his own makeup to lose hope in such a way.

And you know, I’ve gone through life with my head held high. I kept faith with myself. While I was in captivity, I did absolutely nothing to embarrass my country. I have always felt good about that. I like what I see when I shave in the mirror. And, there is not a person from that prison camp who I couldn’t meet on the street and look right in the eye. I am proudest of the fact that I refused to cozy up to the Chinese.

Forgiveness may be likened to a kind of “spiritual cleansing,” a cleaning of the clutter of the wrongs your betrayer did to you and a separation of the person from the deed. You started this process as you reframed the situation by looking at your betrayer’s experience and the circumstances that contributed to his behavior. In forgiveness, through the lens of compassion, you choose to look at your betrayer differently. You may see her as a person who is struggling with her own pain. Or, as in the case of Michelle’s father, a person who had lost hope.

You may offer the benefit of the doubt. You may consider:

Is it possible that she lost her sense of herself? Is it possible she betrayed herself in the process of betraying me?

Was she in a tight position that caused her to feel threatened, frightened, or confused? Perhaps she was afraid she was going to lose something important to her?

To find compassion, consider that this person, in the moment, was doing the best he could do. When you do, you are able to see your betrayer as a person with needs, feelings, and vulnerabilities rather than an evildoer from the dark side. When it comes right down to it, we are all mirrors of each other. At the deepest level, we are like others and others are like us. Your betrayer just may have been stressed, up against a wall, and doing the best he could given his circumstances, and lost his footing, just as you have, many times.

Extending compassion to someone who has hurt you is challenging work. You rise to this challenge by stepping momentarily away from your own needs and pain in order to gain understanding of what might have contributed to the hurtful behavior.

One of our clients who works for a defense contractor laid out how he discovered the broader context for his betrayer’s actions:

“My boss took my work and passed it off as his without giving me credit. At first, I could only see him as overly ambitious. But I wanted to heal, and I wasn’t getting anywhere with that negative perspective. So I asked myself, ‘is this characterization true? If so, why?’

I determined that it is true . . . he is ‘overly ambitious.’ He is driven to be the President of our company. And, he is moving there as quickly as possible.

The more powerful question was, ‘Why? Is he a selfish, arrogant SOB or is it something else?’ Well, while his ego is immense, I had seen too much evidence negating that it was blind, simple ego that drove this man. Then what was it?

I have come to believe that he was driven by service to the nation and his drive to head the company came from his desire to set it on the greatest path to achieve this service mission. He is a patriot! And that is a position I can support.”

When you seek to understand, you express compassion and see the person in a different way. When you go to the next step and see yourself in his actions, you find not only compassion and forgiveness, but also self-awareness, healing, and possibility. You can then rebuild the relationship with the other person, and the relationship with yourself that was lost through the betrayal.

Recognize Forgiveness

How do you know when forgiveness has begun? Answer: When you can think about individuals who betrayed you and, with a sense of inner peace, wish them well. In situations where people are unwilling and unable to come together with you, you can still forgive them and free your mind and your heart. Reconciliation is not necessary for forgiveness to happen, or for your own healing to take place. You can still work through the process of the Seven Steps for Healing on your own to achieve the freedom and lightness you desire and the growth opportunity presented to you in the form of this challenge.

In many instances, full healing occurs when you invite the person back into your life. This part is challenging because it depends as much on the other person as on you. Both parties have to be willing to come together. You want your betrayer to listen to you and hear your claims, acknowledge and honestly apologize for what she did, understand the depth of the pain she caused you and feel the hurt you felt, and make new promises that she intends to keep.

Given that true reconciliation is a reciprocal process, she will want exactly the same from you. When both parties can make their expectations and commitments to each other clear, the relationship can heal and grow.

When You Have Betrayed Others

Hurting others can be unintentional and does not mean that you are a bad person. We all hurt others through unintentional oversights, rushing, and cramming to do more with less time, energy, and money. We tend to betray others when we override our own needs. The more self-aware you are, the more you feel the pain you cause others through such common and understandable behaviors, the more you can minimize your tendency to hurt others, and thereby yourself, in the future.

When you forgive yourself for betraying another, you decide to switch from beating yourself up (which does no good) to having compassion for yourself. You switch from blaming yourself to understanding yourself and the lessons that can help you at work and in life.

One way to “cut yourself some slack” is to make a distinction between your behavior that caused pain and yourself as a person. Behavior is momentary, your character is permanent; one is what you did, the other who you are. Nina, whose story of divulging a colleague’s confidence we shared in Steps Two and Five, described her self-forgiveness as follows:

“I have forgiven myself because I now see that I was scared and vulnerable and feeling alone. In that place, I slipped. It doesn’t mean I slipped as a person. It means I slipped in that moment in time.”

Another client said:

“I forgive myself because my moment of weakness does not make me a bad person. I made a mistake, I regret it, and I will work not to do it again.”

Yet another client, Tyler, carried the pain for years after graduation of having betrayed a business school classmate. As they had gone their separate ways, he had been unable to work to a place of healing with her. He had to find reconciliation within himself. He was finally able to stop mentally “beating himself up” when he realized that, yes, he made a mistake, and he learned some painful, but powerful lessons. He came to understand that, while he couldn’t change the past, he could alter his behavior in the future. When he was able to have compassion for himself, he was able to forgive and be at peace with himself.

Recognize Self-Forgiveness

You know you are forgiving yourself when you:

Can move from beating yourself up to finding lessons and moving on;

Feel strong enough in your compassion to have a full reconciliation with the person you hurt;

Can look in the mirror and feel good about yourself again;

Have the sense of inner peace that comes from knowing that you did the best you could, given the circumstances; and

Are able to deal with bigger trust challenges more effectively without beating yourself up so harshly or for so long.

When You Want to Help Others Rebuild Trust

“He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he, too, must pass.”

—Lord Herbert

British philosopher and theologian

It is an honor and a privilege to help another in her healing process, and it is a powerful experience when someone allows you to support her in her journey. Because forgiveness is all about compassion, your support in this Step is all about the safe container you create to support the other person in order for her to let go of negative feelings, forgive, and move on. That container is made from the trust she has in you as you accompany her through this passage from pain to peace.

In many situations, especially those in which people perceive that trust is broken at an organizational level, employees cannot forgive leaders and the organization because they are still holding them and it accountable for the betrayal: They are still stuck in the blame mode. When dozens, hundreds, and even thousands of your colleagues are in that negative place, helping them to forgive is a huge task that will probably take more resources and time than you have at your disposal.

We recommend that you concentrate on helping individuals or a handful of people at a time; we call this process creating “pockets of readiness” with people who are willing to hear and embrace your message. Know that, as they heal, they will pass their renewed confidence, commitment, and energy on to others, maybe even by supporting other people in healing.

While it can seem next to impossible to move people who are in pain to forgiveness, you can make a difference simply by asking the right questions (see box above). In so doing, you help people shift from negative feelings to seeing positive possibilities. You can then go the next Step and work with them to find the solutions.

For most people, forgiveness happens one small step at a time

Remember that healing and, in particular, forgiveness, take time, commitment, and plenty of patience. You may have to move very slowly, and you will definitely need compassion while you proceed. For most people, forgiveness happens one small step at a time. They have more layers of hurt feelings to unfold before they are totally willing to let go and move on. As one poetic client expressed it to us, “It is as though I am peeling the petals from the rose that forgiveness is—a beautiful, fragrant, unfolding process. Each petal of forgiveness is an invitation to a newer and richer level of understanding about others and myself.”