chapter 3

Flip Your Skill Set

So it’s Monday. Same desk. Same computer. Same messy office I’ve been meaning to clean forever. But I’m different now—I’m a boss. I’ve got the mindset needed: “It’s not about me anymore.” I’m ready to learn what to do, not because it’s going to make me look good, but because it will be fun and engaging. But what skills do I need to learn and develop to best lead, skills that will help me with my direct reports and serve my coworkers? I know all about downloading data, writing academic articles, and making data come alive in reports, but that has nothing to do with leading others. There are tons of skills new leaders need in order to be effective. Which ones should I focus on the most?

That was my mindchatter on Monday at 7:45 A.M. Overwhelmed and lost. Again. But after I got my morning caffeine in my system, I told myself:

Technical skills, knowing how to run statistical programs, crunching numbers, and writing reports won’t help you as a new leader. You need to trust the research you’ve done on new leaders. Trust what you learned from training other new leaders. You know what to do. Flip your skill set.

The Four Skills to Flip

As a new leader, when you get promoted to be a boss, it’s not about having the skills of an individual contributor anymore. It’s not about technical smarts and savvy, knowing the lingo, mastering the program, operating the machine, closing the sale, or having the work-arounds at your fingertips. Now, flip your skill set.

Books, webinars, blogs, news articles, experts, and talking heads in the media—so much is being said about the dozens of leadership skills all managers must have. All this information can be brain overload, and it’s no wonder many new leaders are lost before they even get started. But why listen to talking heads and their inflated egos about what they think, when you can see what actual new leaders say? That’s where the science really comes in handy.

Each of the new leaders I studied took a 360-degree assessment. It’s a way to assess themselves and be assessed by their own bosses, peers, direct reports, or relevant others inside and outside the organization on how well or poorly they are performing in certain areas. That way, a leader gets to see a “360-degree view” of themselves from many different perspectives. It’s pretty daunting and even scary, but a lot of great information comes from these assessments.

In my research, I explored their data in two key areas:

•  Importance: What skills did new leaders and their coworkers think were most important for success as a leader in their organization?

•  Skill level: How effective (or ineffective) were these new leaders at performing these skills?

First I looked at the importance data. If new leaders themselves and their own bosses, peers, and direct reports think some skills are more important than others, that’s great information to know. When it comes down to it, it’s probably a waste of time to focus on building skills that are not that relevant to success. So, narrowing down the focus to the skills everyone says are important for success—that’s a good place to start.

Second, I looked at skill level, especially how effective—or in this case ineffective—new leaders are at those same important skills. If, across the board, new leaders are relatively strong at something, should we throw more time, money, and effort in building that up? Probably not. Remember the research; strengths overplayed and overused can eventually derail your career. So then I started looking at the weaknesses, because unaddressed weaknesses can derail your career.

Over and over again, four skills kept coming to the surface. The following four skills were consistently picked as being more important for success than others as well as being skills new leaders often struggled with more than others:

•  Communication

•  Influence

•  Leading team achievement

•  Developing others

If it’s highly important for success, and not many new leaders are good at it, that’s a skill gap worth closing.

When I ran the numbers, I vowed from that moment on I would tell the new leaders I trained to flip their skill set with those four skills to be the boss everyone wants to work for. And at 7:46 A.M. that Monday morning, sitting at my desk, I also made a commitment to better myself in these four key areas.

In this chapter, I’ll cover communication and influence specifically and leave the other two skills for later chapters.

Communication—It’s More Than Words

I remember sitting in my house around the end of 2008, flipping through the channels. One of the business channels had Warren Buffett on it. I tuned in because I wanted to learn how to make billions of dollars like he did. But the show was all about MBA students asking Buffett questions. One student asked, “What courses are MBA schools currently lacking in teaching their students?” Without hesitation, Buffett said, “Communication.” He said the same thing in a town-hall meeting a year later.¹

The importance of communication was not lost on one of the richest people in the world. It shouldn’t be lost on you either.

But what is it about communication for new leaders? It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.

Why You Should Flip Your Communication Skill Set

Think about it. As an individual contributor, people look at your work. As a new leader, people look at you—your face, body language, behaviors, and actions. Your ability to communicate with others is valued and relevant in accomplishing your work and connecting with your direct reports and other coworkers. Communication is a big portion of your job.

The data give more evidence. Each of the new leaders I studied provided answers to this question: “What are the three most critical leadership challenges you are currently facing?” When we examined these challenges, 17.6 percent of new leaders said communication in some form or another was one of their top challenges.² For instance, one woman in the government sector said one of her biggest challenges was “getting my point across in an effective manner.” Or take this man in the construction industry who said it pretty plain and simple:

Effective communication! How to effectively tell them what to do without saying, “Because that’s what I said.”

Communication is such a broad topic. But the one area I consistently tell new leaders to understand, enhance, and improve when it comes to communication is nonverbal communication—whether it’s getting your point across, tailoring your communication to your audience, or saying something other than “Because that’s what I said.” Ironically, the type of communication that has nothing to do with words—that is, “nonverbals”—makes all the difference.

When you are talking with others in the hallway, during one-to-one meetings or presentations, or anywhere else at work, are you really “saying” what you think you are saying? The actual “words” said really make up a small portion of what’s actually being said. Science agrees. Researchers Ray Birdwhistell³ and Albert Mehrabian⁴ believed that nonverbal communication makes up anywhere between 65 and 93 percent of the total emotional interaction between two people. We tend to pay attention more to the nonverbals—that is, the behaviors—than to the verbals, the words. And when the words don’t match the behaviors? We believe what’s not being said, the nonverbals, rather than the words. Even the smallest, faintest nonverbal signal or behavior that is not aligned with the conversation, situation, or words can confuse your audience and lessen your credibility and your coworkers’ confidence, faith, and trust in you as a leader.

Leaders who haven’t flipped their script don’t understand that. Their main priority is usually just getting their message—the words—across. They probably aren’t as concerned with how it’s being heard, or as receptive to what people think.

Be the boss everyone wants to work for, and flip your script by flipping your communication. Your nonverbals and how you say your words add credibility to what you say. And by reading the nonverbals of others, you will get your point across better. In fact, the science and research shows the connection between poor nonverbal communication and ineffective leadership. Consider these examples:

•  Leaders who display improper eye contact are seen as ineffective.⁵

•  Leaders who are not clear, fluent, and articulate with their words are judged as ineffective and less credible.⁶

•  Individuals with unsteady eye contact, unvaried voice modulation, inappropriate affect, and low energy level in hand gestures, smiles, and body movement were judged as possessing low leadership potential.⁷

•  Touching your hands, touching your face, crossing your arms, and leaning back are all tied to perceptions of untrustworthiness. We all know how important trust is in leadership. And here’s the kicker—when a robot made those gestures and postures, that robot was seen as untrustworthy, according to research led by David DeSteno.⁸ Think about that. If we are labeling a robot—something nonhuman, with no feelings or emotions—as untrustworthy based on nonverbals, think of how powerful those nonverbals can be to describe you, a human being who actually leads others.

What You Can Do to Flip Your Communication Skill Set

It’s what I tell new leaders all the time when I talk about the importance of communication: As a leader, you are never not communicating. Even when you are not saying a word, you are saying something with your actions and behaviors, whether you know it or not. Your nonverbals affect how you are seen as a leader. So to flip your communication skill set, be aware of every type of way you communicate nonverbally. These ways are what psychologists Steve Nowicki and Marshall Duke,⁹ among others, term different “channels” of nonverbal communication. Marshall and I believe it is especially significant for leaders to understand these six channels.¹⁰ To flip your communication skill set, here are the six.

1. Rhythm and use of time: not just for music. Rhythm plays a role in the way you communicate with others. Being “out of sync” with others may cause confusion, anxiety, or discomfort for both you and the other person or people you are with. Your use of time is closely related to rhythm. How you organize time and commitments says a lot about you. No words said, but you are communicating something about yourself and others just based on how you treat the aspect of time. Consider coming into a meeting five minutes late. You may be telling people your time is more valuable than theirs without saying one word.

2. Interpersonal distance (space) and touch: not about being touchy-feely. This channel deals with boundaries or territories around us. According to anthropologist Edward Hall,¹¹ our “personal space” is sort of an imaginary, flexible bubble around us, bigger in the back than the front, which grows or shrinks depending on the situation we are in, whom we are talking to, and the culture we are living in. There are several “zones” we use for communication, and if someone invades a zone and the rules that are part of them, that causes problems. So, standing too close to someone you don’t know well (like the “close talker” from the TV show Seinfeld) may be irritating or somewhat intimidating.

Touch is on the extreme end of the “intimate zone” of interpersonal space. For friends and family, touch is usually meant to convey liking or love. In the workplace, touch carries extreme meanings and should definitely be used with caution. You don’t want a lawsuit on your hands, or a negative reputation (i.e., being that person who gives people the creeps).

3. Objectics: more than “dress for success.” A nonverbal channel that you may overlook at times, yet equally effective at telling people things about you without saying a word, is objectics. Think about your clothes, hair, tattoos, jewelry, cosmetics, and fragrance. Many times, it’s the first thing people notice about you, and these objectics may tell people a lot about you in that split second: who you are, what you do, what you believe in, what you support, and your own personal values. And you didn’t even say one word.

The dress code at work tells us what to wear. And though the style of dress may communicate to others your fashion sense, it may not be acceptable at work. But even if you follow the dress code, the way you wear your clothes tells people something about you. An unwrinkled shirt, pressed pants, clean lines, fitted clothes, color coordination, polished shoes, and styled hair sends the message that you are organized, neat, efficient, and confident. Messed-up hair and wrinkled clothes that are untucked, stained, mismatched, or inappropriate may tell others you don’t take the time to take care of yourself. Think about what fragrances or colognes you use (and how much), how much makeup you may use, the height of your heels, or how you keep your moustache, beard, van dyke, goatee, or soul patch groomed. When it comes to communication, you definitely are what you wear and how you look.

4. Gestures and postures: you reveal a lot with your hands and stance. A fourth channel of nonverbal communication is gestures and postures. You can say a lot with your hands and body without uttering a single word: a wave hi, for example, or raising your hand to stop something. You can tell people what you think by shaking your head in a certain direction, or that you have no clue by shrugging your shoulders. These and other gestures can say a lot without speaking one word.

Your posture can say things as well. If you have a slouched posture, people may think you are tired or disinterested. Hands in pockets may convey boredom. But standing straight may tell others you are attentive, excited, enthused, or confident. Leaning in may tell someone you are interested in what is being said.

Have you seen the popular TED Talk by social psychologist Amy Cuddy?¹² If not, watch it. In both her talk and her book Presence,¹³ Dr. Cuddy exposes how posture and “power posing” can greatly affect how we feel and act as leaders. The way you stand, like making yourself “big” or standing like Wonder Woman—all of that can communicate so much about you and can even make you feel powerful and enthusiastic as a leader.

5. Facial expressions: you can read it all over my face. In face-to-face interactions, a smile, frown, grimace, raising your eyebrows, eye contact—all of that can tell people something that words may not. It is true that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Like when you smile. Yes, of course, the corners of the mouth turn up. But many times, you fake a smile, and people know you are not sincerely happy. Why? When you genuinely smile, what is called a “Duchenne smile” (after its discoverer, Guillaume Duchenne) the “crow’s-feet” (the “crinkles”) around the eyes appear, and the pupils of the eyes may be dilated. When you fake a smile, none of that shows up.

6. Paralanguage: say what? The sixth nonverbal communication channel is paralanguage, or all the things that make up the sound that accompanies the words. Think about your tone of voice. The loudness, speed, and intensity of your speech. Silence (or absence of it) too. And don’t forget those “credibility killers” that ruin your credibility, authority, and reputation, like, well, “like” and “you know” and “uh” and “um.” All of these examples are part of paralanguage.

Think about the sentence “I need the report today.” Emphasizing or stressing one word in that sentence may totally change the meaning. If you emphasize “I,” you are clearly telling someone whom the report is for. If you stress “today,” you are clearly telling someone the time urgency of the matter. If you say “Um, like, I need the report, by, like, today,” well, how credible do you sound? The entirety of the emotional meaning, interpretation, and credibility of what was said can change just based on paralanguage.

So now you know the six nonverbal channels and how they can communicate to people so much more than the words that you say. But to truly flip your script when it comes to your communication skill set, you realize “It’s not about me anymore.” So how do you put it into practice? Follow the platinum rule.

The Platinum Rule of Communication

Even though flipping your communication sounds easy, we know it’s difficult. The reason why it’s so difficult may go back to what we’ve been told our entire lives. My mom (maybe yours too) told me to live by the golden rule—you know, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”

The golden rule can be applied to communication. Maybe your style of communication is to keep things at a bare minimum. All you want are the facts and nothing else. As humans, we tend to do what’s natural and comfortable for us. So, as a new leader, you will tend to have those same, straight, to-the-point conversations when you’re the boss. Why? Because it’s the natural and preferred way you like to be communicated with. It’s the golden rule: communicate with others the way you want to be communicated with.

In my time reading, writing, and researching new leaders, training them, and being one, I’ve realized the golden rule doesn’t work when it comes to all things leadership. Flip it to the platinum rule:

Treat others the way they want to be treated.

It’s a subtle difference, but so important. And it can greatly help new leaders flip their script, communicate better, and be the boss everyone wants to work for.

The platinum rule is a good tool to remember when you communicate with others. Say you only want to hear the bare minimum. You’ll tend to converse with others in that manner too. But others (possibly the people who report to you) have a desire to hear more and be engaged in conversations and decisions. They want to be heard. So, flip your script by flipping your communication. Talk with others more, understand what others are feeling, and become more aware of the verbal and, in particular, nonverbal messages.

New leaders who have flipped their script by flipping their communication skill set get this point. With their flipped script, their mindchatter may be:

It’s no longer about “me” and being the center of attention. It matters less the way “I” like to communicate and the words said. So shine the spotlight on the people you are communicating with. Pay attention to how you are saying those words with your nonverbals and how the message is being received. It’s the platinum rule: communicate with others the way they want to be communicated with.

Maybe you’ve gotten feedback or simply know that communicating with others isn’t your strong suit. It’s hard enough saying what needs to be said. Now there’s all this other nonverbal stuff. Maybe you still haven’t gotten over that presentation or speech you bombed. It’s okay—we’ve all been there. Regardless of your past, you now are a new leader who can and will flip your communication skill set. You have the power to do it. Here are several pieces of research-based advice to help.

Communication is giving and receiving at the same time. You know the six channels. But it’s more than just knowing them. You must display or send messages nonverbally, and do so correctly and genuinely. That’s what communication experts call “expressive nonverbal communication”—it’s the ability to express, produce, and send any or all nonverbal behaviors to others.¹⁵

But it’s not that simple either. Those same experts agree that you must also attend to “receptive nonverbal communication”—that’s the ability to recognize, understand, and interpret the nonverbal behaviors of others.

Leaders who have not flipped their script tend to just focus on the words they are saying, trying to get their message across. They are neither concerned about how their nonverbals reinforce or emphasize their words and their message, nor by how it’s received by reading the nonverbals of others. But what if you did flip your script? Your mindchatter may be something like this:

Be aware of the messages you are sending nonverbally. Understand how your message is being heard by reading the nonverbals of others. Adjust your nonverbals if your message isn’t connecting. Your nonverbals strengthen your message and add credibility to what you are sending.

Flipping your script by flipping your communication is tough. But with the proper time, attention, energy, and support, it’s possible.

Your “resting” face and body. Leaders who have flipped their script also understand they send messages when they are not saying one word, when they are at “rest.” Here’s my story.

While I was an individual contributor, I received feedback on how “serious” and at times, “intimidating” I was when someone came to my desk. I always had a “furrowed brow” and “squinted eyes” and “crossed arms.” I got feedback saying, “You look focused, really busy and unapproachable.” I was also told, “Bill, you don’t really smile much; it’s not very inviting.” I also heard, “Bill, you talk really loudly, and it’s distracting.” In fact, as a joke, one person made a sign that said “!WARNING! Loud Talking in Progress” and made it a point to walk to my cube and put it up every time I talked on the phone. The person was about 50 feet away from me. I was that loud.

I actually got those same pieces of feedback about my nonverbals from three separate people on three separate occasions.

Such feedback has been tremendously helpful for me personally to flip my script by flipping my communication. As I said before, “you are never not communicating,” and it showed! But here’s the ironic part. All those nonverbals about me being “serious” and “intimidating” and “unapproachable” and “not very inviting” are all parts of my normal “resting” nonverbals. Our faces, our bodies, our voices naturally have a way they look and sound when we are not paying attention to them. That was all mine. I own it. When I’m not thinking about it, I cross my arms (because it’s comfortable for me), I squint my eyes and furrow my brow, and I’m naturally just a loud guy. It’s just what I do when I’m not thinking. It’s what is natural to me. But remember, when you flip your script, “It’s not about me anymore,” right?

So when I became a boss, I knew I had to flip. I now make a conscious effort to open my eyes wider whenever someone approaches me. I purposefully try to uncross my arms and be more open in my posture when talking to people. I try to speak a little more softly. And I try to smile more because recent research by Dana Joseph and colleagues found 25 studies that connected happiness with positive leadership outcomes.¹⁶ I even smile a real, genuine smile, not a fake one, when I greet someone or even when I’m about to call someone on the phone. Why?

Emotions are contagious. How you feel can impact those you lead. Some of this can be traced way back to Charles Darwin himself. This century, a 2011 review article led by Rashimah Rajah¹⁷ listed more than 10 articles published in the first decade of the 2000s about emotions being contagious. Each of these studies connected a leader’s positive affect with positive outcomes, including the mood and resilience of followers and a leader’s own effectiveness. In 2013, Victoria Visser and her colleagues¹⁸ found that when leaders displayed happiness, they were seen as more effective.

Though fewer in number, Rajah and colleagues also listed studies inspecting negative affect, with predictable results—leaders with negative emotions have followers who feel bad. And when you are stressed, the people around you will feel stressed as well.

The people you interact with, the people you lead and serve, all feed off of your emotions. So flip your script. Be mindful of what you feel and how you are expressing those feelings at all times, because your emotions affect more than just you.

Feel what others feel: build your empathy. When you flip your script by flipping your communication skill set, pay attention to what’s being said, and more importantly what’s not being said, by the other person. You should be in tune with, understand, and relate to the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and experiences of your direct report, staff, team members, coworkers, and customers, and possibly even be moved to help them. That’s what empathy is all about, and you should have it. And my own research illustrates that empathy is tied to a leader’s success. Flipping your script by paying less attention to your own emotions and more to others’ can help your career.

In a study of over 6,000 managers from 38 different countries, we found that managers displaying more empathy were rated by their own bosses as better performers. And while displaying empathy was positively related to performance around the world, in some countries like China, Egypt, Hong Kong, Malaysia, New Zealand, Poland, Singapore, and Taiwan, empathy had an even stronger positive relationship with performance.²⁰

Further, in a 2015 study of managers in Australia,²¹ we discovered a relationship between empathy and derailment potential—leaders who displayed less empathy tended to have a high potential to derail, according to their bosses and peers. And for leaders who displayed a lot of empathy, the opposite was true: they were perceived as having a low potential to derail. Interestingly, we also found that empathy was important for men and just as important, if not more so, for women. Man or woman, the ability to empathize with others matters to your present performance and future career as a leader.

Communication is one of the biggest skill gaps new leaders have. And for good reason—it’s tough to flip your script when it comes to your communication. So, what if you don’t? Well, think about the person who works for a leader who hasn’t flipped his script. What would that person say about the leader’s communication? Probably things that closely resemble comments from coworkers of the new leaders I researched:

He needs to be more engaged in conversation. If he’s frustrated, it spills over into his attitude and optimism. . . . He needs to pay more attention to people when communicating. Stop being distracted. Be more empathetic. . . . Some of us feel intimidated by him because we don’t understand him and because the way he communicates mistakes comes across as a bit abrasive in his tone and mannerisms. . . . He usually takes center stage when he talks. A better strategy to communicate is to listen more than speak.

Is this the type of boss you want to be? Flip your script and be the boss everyone wants to work for by flipping your communication.

Influence—“Do It Because I’m The Boss” Is Not Your Only Option

Influence is all about your power, authority, and ability to shape or change your audiences’ actions, decisions, or opinions. Influence happens all the time at work. If you influence well, you’ll be successful at work. But as you will read, influence is more than just “Do it because I’m the boss.”

Why You Should Flip Your Influence Skill Set

In 2003, Chad Higgins and his colleagues²³ looked at 31 studies about influence at work, and found certain influence tactics were consistently related with work outcomes. Specifically, ingratiation (getting people to like you or making people feel good about you by acting friendly and respectful or giving compliments) and rationality (using data, facts, figures, information, and logic to support your opinion) were both tied to how you are evaluated in your job. Specifically, those who tend to influence through ingratiation and rationality tactics are likely evaluated as better job performers.

Up to this point, you’ve probably used ingratiation and rationality pretty well. But as a new leader, that script must flip. Influence isn’t about getting what you need for your own success. “It’s not about me anymore.” Flip your script.

As a new leader, your influence is essential in many different ways. You’ll use it to carry out decisions. To obtain support for your ideas or vision. To acquire the necessary resources to get work done. You’ll need to influence others to make their work easier and increase their dedication.

What You Can Do to Flip Your Influence Skill Set

As the boss, you have one huge influence tactic in your possession. That “supervisor” or “manager” or “director” or similar title you possess gives you a natural power base to influence certain people, especially the ones who directly report to you. Using threats, rewards, and your own authority—the “Do it because I’m your boss and I said so” influence tactic—is appropriate and totally in line with getting work done. But there’s a catch. Using that all the time will demotivate others. Plus, you really can’t use that line with your peers, your own boss, upper management, and others across your organization because, well, you’re not the boss of them. So what else is there?

Gary Yukl has studied influence for more than three decades. He has a taxonomy of 11 different influence tactics²⁴ that range from using flattery (part of ingratiation pointed out earlier) to using threats (i.e., pressure). If you want a deeper understanding of each of these 11 tactics, I highly recommend reading his work.

I will admit, 11 tactics may seem overwhelming as a new leader. So I’ll try to make it a little more straightforward and simple. It’s the “3 H’s,” and luckily they correspond to different body parts (figuratively speaking, of course), which makes them a bit easier to remember and apply.

Head—Influence people using rational approaches. Use your intellect, reason, logical arguments, and facts.

Heart—Influence people using emotional appeals. Let people know how a decision will affect their own lives, work, values, beliefs, or those of the people around them.

Hands—Influence people using a connection you have with them. Work together to accomplish a common goal.

So now you know three ways that you can influence others. The one big takeaway to flip your script by flipping your influence skill set? Follow the platinum rule—influence others the way they want to be influenced.

The Platinum Rule of Influence

Suppose you are a new leader who likes to be influenced (or even energized) through facts, figures, and data (through the “head”). Your natural way to influence others is probably through the use of those same facts, figures, and data. The golden rule would say: Influence others the way you want to be influenced. But just as with communication, as a new leader, flip it. The platinum rule states: Influence others the way they want to be influenced.

Though you may love talking about data, others may be bored to tears when they hear it. Maybe that’s the way you’ve done it before, and your influence attempts fell short. Now is your chance to flip your influence skill set by talking about values, beliefs, and feelings (“heart”) or through reciprocity and collaboration (“hands”).

“Do it because I said so” won’t cut it anymore. But now you have several different ways to influence people. So just pick your favorite one and go, right? Leaders who didn’t flip their script would do just that. And if you keep living that script, people will be disengaged and you won’t have buy-in for your decisions.

But you know better! Remember: “It’s not about me anymore.”

The best way to flip your influence skill set is to understand your audience and influence them the way they want to be influenced. The next time you must influence someone or an audience, whether it is in a formal presentation to a group of people, a team meeting, or a one-on-one conversation, flip your script by flipping your influence skill set.

Need to influence through the head? Well, be specific and practical, and offer sensible goals. Are you providing step-by-step detail? Are you providing the numbers, the evidence?

Is your audience more likely to be influenced through the heart? Think about what you can do to build connections through harmony and teamwork. How can you passionately share your vision and link it with a person’s own values and beliefs? How can you tell someone he or she is capable of what you are asking? What are ways to tap into a person’s sense of service or desire to be attached to an outcome?

Is it going to be best to influence through the hands? Then ask, “What can we do so that both of us get something out of it?” How would you consult with others who have a lot of power, to get their buy-in or speak on your behalf? What sort of ideas can you bring to the table that you can offer a person in return for doing something for you?

I hope the takeaways with these two skills make it easier for you as a new leader. They are especially important in your relationships with others, discussed in the next chapter.