chapter 4

Flip Your Relationships

It’s still Monday, not even lunch yet. Geez, I’m hungry. And this meeting isn’t helping my appetite either. I really wanted to use my communication and influence skills to help set a good impression as I was introduced as a new leader. I was excited to help set a new course and direction for our group’s work. But then I heard, “You all don’t understand. You all need to do things differently. You all are not providing the things we need.” Wait, did I just hear, “You all?” I worked side by side with these people on Friday, and now I’m, “You all” less than 72 hours later? That was quick. They really see me differently. And, well, they are different too, now that I think about it. Today I’m the boss of people who were peers and friends Friday. What do I do about these relationships?

Mid-morning on Monday, my first day as a boss, that’s what I felt. I walked right into a buzz saw that I didn’t expect. I’ve known these people, worked alongside them. They know me and know what I can do. Why didn’t I get more credit? Why didn’t they give me the benefit of the doubt that I have their best interest in mind?

It may not feel like a ton of bricks falling on your head, as it did for me. But clearly, even though the people have stayed the same, your relationship with all of them is different now that you are their boss. As I tell the new leaders I train:

When you officially become part of management, you start wearing the imaginary T-shirt that says, in big bold letters, “Leader” across your chest and the imaginary hat that has “Boss” stitched in, and everybody can spot your new wardrobe. Once that happens, people immediately see you differently. Adjust, get used to it, and flip your script.

As an individual contributor, you get rewarded for focusing on yourself, like that old breakup line, “It’s not you; it’s me.” That script worked. It’s how you got this boss gig.

But as a new leader, you now get rewarded for shining the spotlight on others and making others your priority. When you flip your script by flipping your relationships, you now pay attention to others, their needs, and their well-being. Although that’s never really a part of the individual contributor’s script, relationships are a major part of your script as a new leader. There are two major relationships you have to flip: one with your peers (some, your friends) and one with your team.

From BFF to Boss

I really had to start from zero. My work and reputation as an individual contributor did nothing for my former peers. I was “with them” before, and now I have to continually convince them they are my priority. I had to flip my script by flipping my “peer-to-boss” and in some cases, “BFF (best friend forever)-to-boss” relationship.

Why You Should Flip Your BFF-to-Boss Relationship

Among the nearly 300 new leaders in my research study, the challenge most often mentioned was a relationship issue: “adjustment to people management and displaying authority.” Almost 60 percent of new leaders mentioned it as one of their biggest challenges. Many new leaders have difficulties with moving from a coworker to a boss role. You were BFFs yesterday, and you are their boss today. How can you gain respect and still maintain the personal relationships you value? If that sounds familiar, you can feel the pain of this man who works at a nonprofit:

I feel like I’m being taken advantage of because of my previous relationships with some members of my team. Sometimes I feel that people don’t take tasks and projects as seriously as they should because they think they can use their friendly relationship with me to their advantage. It’s difficult drawing that line because we were all at the same level. It’s hard for me adjusting to managing people who were my coworkers, some my close friends.

Many new leaders have difficulty displaying authority, particularly to those with whom they have a history and friendship. It’s the biggest challenge new leaders have according to my research, and many just don’t know how to go about flipping that relationship.

What You Can Do to Flip Your Relationships with Your Former Peers (or BFFs)

We all need friends—even at work. We may call them BFFs (Taylor Swift has them) or “besties” (like Amy from the TV show The Big Bang Theory), or we may have our own Wolf Pack (who wouldn’t want to hang out with Alan and others from the movie The Hangover?). Friends are significant. Even one of the biggest television shows in the history of mankind was about the topic, so it’s hugely important, right?

Abraham Maslow famously said that a sense of belonging, the need for friendship, is a basic human need. Only food, water, and safety are more important. That sense of belonging, having friends at work in particular, carries great benefit. Studies show that people who have a best friend at work are more likely to report positive outcomes.¹ Karen Jehn and Priti Pradhan Shah imply that groups of friends tend to communicate more, provide more encouragement, and possess higher levels of commitment, and they are more cooperative than strangers or acquaintances.² Or, as Christine Riordan and Rodger Griffeth argue, when we believe we have the opportunity to make friends at work, we tend to identify with our work more, feel more involved and satisfied with our jobs, and become more committed to our organizations.³

Clearly, we need friends; they benefit us as well as our organizations. As an individual contributor, it’s only natural you made friends at work.

But as a new leader, you may be managing those same friends. Awkward. So what do you do to flip these relationships in your new role as their boss? Flip your script. Here are four ways to get you started.

Be clear. Unless there is a clear written rule in your HR handbook against it, yes, you can still be friends. But both you and your friend-turned-subordinate must realize that your work relationship has changed. It’s your job as the boss to talk about the new responsibilities you face in your new role and to set clear expectations and boundaries from the start. Explain that you are accountable for the development and performance of everyone who reports to you, not just your BFFs. The amount of time you spend with your friend-turned-subordinate and the nature of your interaction will probably change, so make that clear to your BFF.

Have this conversation as soon as possible. Get any issues you or your friend-turned-subordinate has out in the open. Talk about your expectations of him or her. And remember, communication is a two-way street. Listen to any expectations your friend has of you as the boss. Discuss where there is agreement or why there are discrepancies, if any.

Be aware. When you have that imaginary “Boss” hat and “Leader” T-shirt on that everyone can see, all eyes are on you. People will observe, notice, and go so far as to scrutinize every decision you make (or don’t make), and whom you give your time and attention to (or whom you don’t). Be aware of what you are doing and not doing.

The idea that you may give your friend-turned-subordinate more than you give others (or even that it’s perceived that way) may come as a shock. But it’s only natural to give more to those you know and trust. We’re human; that’s what humans do. However, success in your new leadership role is due in part to an understanding and awareness of the unique relationship you have with each of your direct reports, BFF or otherwise. This is based on one of the major theories in leadership research: Leader–Member Exchange (LMX) theory. It’s been around since the 1970s and proposes leadership as a dyadic relationship between you and each of your followers.

LMX theorists would group your friend-turned-subordinate, or others you may know fairly well and have a good working relationship with, as part of your “in-group.” They would call these “high-quality relationships.” You like, respect, and trust each other. It’s natural to give more to these people: more time, energy, resources, support, encouragement, responsibility, guidance, information, autonomy, and trust, as well as greater input in decisions. In return, they will go above and beyond for you.

But you also manage people with whom you may not be as close—your “out-group”—according to LMX theorists. They clock in, do their job, and clock out. You don’t “click” with them, and they are not very compatible with you. These are “low-quality relationships,” without the same level of liking, respect, and trust that you have with your in-group. You probably don’t go out of your way to include or involve them at work. And they don’t go out of their way for you either.

So what should you do? Flip your script and build high-quality relationships with as many of your subordinates as possible. Research exposes the benefits. Using data from 164 studies, Charlotte Gerstner and David Day⁴ conclude that when leaders have high-quality relationships, positive work experiences follow. Specifically, employees in high-quality relationships with their boss tend to have higher job performance, job satisfaction, commitment to the organization, and higher satisfaction with their leader.

The bosses everyone wants to work for are aware of the type of relationships they have with all their direct reports, staff, and team members, regardless of BFF status.

Be fair. As a new leader, you may believe that you should treat all your subordinates similarly and expect them to act in kind. But we know life isn’t like that. New leaders (and many well-seasoned ones too) often treat some followers differently than others. And that’s okay, so long as you follow these words of wisdom similar to what basketball coach John Wooden, football coach Paul “Bear” Bryant, and others have said:

“Treat everyone fairly, not equally.”

Contrary to what you might believe, treating everyone equally isn’t mandatory. You don’t have to give each and every subordinate you have the same amount of equal time. You don’t have to give equal bonuses or raises for every individual on your team. In fact, research indicates that treating everyone in a group the exact same way may be as dysfunctional as treating a few selected people especially well.⁵

But you should be fair. Leave the personal biases behind when allocating time, bonuses, raises, promotions, support, and resources. Many employees don’t like to see preferential treatment toward a select few. The bosses everyone wants to work for don’t make that mistake. They know that favoritism damages team relationships.

If you develop higher-quality relationships with some employees and not others, base those relationships on merit, not blatant favoritism. If some are provided opportunities to grow and expand in their roles and responsibilities, and if they receive development, support, encouragement, and rewards based on their performance, then different levels of treatment actually represent your fairness. If your former “bestie” deserved rewards and resources based on merit, great. If by something else, then gossip and distrust will follow, along with decreasing your team’s morale and performance. The boss everyone wants to work for is transparent—people know exactly where they stand. Such bosses give rewards and recognition not just to their friends, but to people who perform well and deserve it. These bosses know the difference between fairness and equality.

Be prepared. Steve Nowicki often portrays relationships in a four-stage life cycle: choice–beginning–deepening–ending. When you go from BFF to boss, the friendship as you and your BFF knew it has ended. It’s over. Done. You and your friend must choose whether a new relationship begins. If you or your friend can’t adjust, be prepared to move on. But don’t burn bridges. You never know who may be leading you one day.

A person in my own Wolf Pack at work once told me, “Relationships last for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” (Funny, a girl once told me that, too, just before she stopped dating me.) My own personal torment aside, relationships change. Evaluate whether a friendship was for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Friends can be valuable to your success and even your sanity at work. Being clear, aware, fair, and prepared will help you flip your relationships with your BFFs when they begin to report to you.

Leading Teams

That BFF-to-boss flip is not the only reality check you’ll get. The fact that your attention is less on yourself and more on those you lead and serve is a different reality for many new leaders. And believe me, focusing on relationships with your staff or team is much more difficult than just focusing on yourself. But that’s what you do when you flip your script.

Why You Should Flip Your Relationships with Your Team

When I train new leaders I always tell them, “Two things describe effective leaders: they get the job done and they are really good at relationships.” The research behind those two claims is well established. As early as the 1940s, studies originating from the University of Michigan and the Ohio State University concluded that leadership can be divided into two types of behaviors: task-and relationship-oriented behaviors.

With task-oriented behaviors, you lead others doing the work. You drive results, helping others be productive and complete work efficiently and effectively. You’ll learn more about this important flip in the next chapter.

Relationship-oriented behaviors are all the things leaders do to make others feel comfortable. It’s not just about being friendly. Flip your script by understanding the importance of the relationships you have with your team.

Professors Timothy Judge, Ronald Piccolo, and Remus Ilies⁶ reviewed 130 studies examining these two behaviors. Their results exposed strong relationships between task-oriented behaviors and relationship-oriented behaviors, and outcomes like satisfaction in a leader, job satisfaction, motivation, job performance, and leader effectiveness. In short, if you lead others doing the work and build relationships with them, good things happen.

Many new leaders struggle with leading teams. In fact, leading team achievement was the third-biggest challenge of new leaders in my study, mentioned by 43.4 percent of them. As described in Chapter 3, leading team achievement is also one of the four major skill gaps of new leaders. New leaders often have difficulty building teams, enhancing team chemistry, providing guidance, and communicating clear directions, goals, and expectations. They may fall short in monitoring their team’s work to stay organized and meet deadlines. And they don’t have the skills necessary to build and lead teams, like this man working in the energy sector:

[My biggest challenge is] having to deal with a diverse group of people, getting the entire team going in the same direction.

There are several reasons why managers derail in their careers, and this challenge helps explain why. According to CCL’s research,⁷ derailed managers tend to act like “lone wolves,” working in isolation. They are described as cold, arrogant, and aloof. These failed managers often show signs of problems with interpersonal relationships and difficulty building and leading teams. Most people don’t want to work for these types of bosses. If you don’t flip your script by flipping these relationships, you may be thought of in the same way.

What You Can Do to Flip Your Relationships When Leading Teams

You know the old saying, “There is no I in team.” But there is a me, right?

Joking aside, teams can accomplish more than any one person. A team can bring multiple perspectives to a problem. A team can generate more information and knowledge on a topic than any one individual can. More times than not, teams come up with more accurate, creative, and higher-quality solutions than any one person can.

As a new leader, you are expected to lead teams to greater performance, which is something not many individual contributors are known for, recognized for, or expected to do. Teams expert Dr. Eduardo Salas has coauthored over 320 journal articles and book chapters and coedited over 20 books, mainly on teams, teamwork, and designing and implementing team training strategies. He and his colleagues have studied teams in government settings, armed forces, law enforcement—even in spaceflight and operating rooms. In one of his investigations, he and his colleagues examined 50 studies that linked leadership and team effectiveness.⁸ They noticed that task- and relationship-oriented behaviors were tied to three important outcomes: (1) how productive teams are; (2) how effective team members believe the team to be; and (3) team learning (whether teams seek feedback and continuous improvement, discuss errors, and revise processes).

As a new leader, you clearly lead others doing the work (I’ll go deeper into this in the next chapter). But what Salas and his colleagues found even more critical was that focusing on relationships contributed more to explaining team outcomes than attending to the tasks of the team. As a new leader, work to enhance relationships and cohesion among team members; motivate others; and build camaraderie, trust, and respect. When you are the boss, you can make or break your team’s effectiveness, performance, and ability to learn not just by leading them in doing the work, but especially through building your relationships with team members.

So here’s the one big takeaway that will help you flip your script by flipping your relationships with teams: DAC.

Direction, Alignment, and Commitment (DAC)

When the subject of teams comes up when I train new leaders, I tell them to think about the best bosses they have ever worked for. Go ahead and do the same. Would you say things similar to what coworkers of the new leaders I studied mentioned?

His ability to promote a vision and strategy stands out. . . . She inspires others to move toward a common vision and shared goals. . . . She works hard to ensure that her team members feel empowered so they can deliver their best work. . . . He recognizes the strengths of his team members and uses that for the overall good.

Like these examples, when people describe what their bosses have done to lead teams, those descriptions fit nicely into a three-part model Cindy McCauley, Bill Drath, and their colleagues offer.⁹ They have noticed that anytime you have a collective of people with shared work, such as the teams you lead, you know that leadership is happening when you see three outcomes: direction, alignment, and commitment (DAC).

Direction. Each and every person on your team should agree with what the team is trying to achieve and that the goal is worthwhile. You’ve painted the picture so well that everyone agrees what success will look like. If people on your team have varying opinions on what success is or what the end goal is, and they feel like they are going in multiple directions, you don’t have direction.

Alignment. Each person knows his or her roles and responsibilities and what others are doing. Each person knows what a “meets expectations” level of performance is and what “excellent” performance means. If people in your group start to feel isolated and don’t know what is happening, and have varying opinions about what excellent performance is, you don’t have alignment.

Commitment. Each person should be dedicated to the work and committed to the team. The success of the team, more than any individual praise, is the top priority. Team members want what is best for the team. It is your responsibility to check in with your team, both individually and as a collective. If people are more self-interested than team-focused, then you don’t have commitment.

When I train new leaders, I tell them it is their responsibility to establish direction, shape alignment, and sustain commitment with their teams. The bosses everyone wants to work for do those three things really well when they lead teams.

The Platinum Rule of Motivation

Remember the platinum rule discussed in Chapter 3? The bosses everyone wants to work for tend to follow this rule when it comes to motivating others: Motivate others the way they want to be motivated.

As they establish direction, shape alignment, and sustain commitment, many new leaders struggle with how to motivate their direct reports and teams: over 25 percent of new leaders in my research said motivating others was one of their biggest challenges. If you can take people who may not be all that into work and motivate them to do their work and be their best, you have developed a bond and improved performance. Anytime you do this, it’s to your advantage.

What makes motivating others tricky? You can’t just focus on one motive, particularly money, rewards, or praise. Granted, there are a lot of people who believe in external motivation—the more money you give, the more praise you heap, the more motivated a person will be to do their job. And both laboratory and field research by Chip Heath¹³ corroborates that thought pretty well: many of us are biased to think that extrinsic motivation is the way to motivate people. No doubt, people value money, and studies that date back to the 1960s show financial incentives are related to performance quantity.¹⁴

But as Dan Pink suggests in his book Drive,¹⁵ although money, rewards, praise and punishment are acceptable in the short-run for simple things, they simply won’t motivate people to do complex work for the long haul. Other research suggests those of us who are more externally motivated by pay or compensation are, in fact, less satisfied as employees, have a strong desire to leave our organizations,¹⁶ and are less productive and committed to our work activities.¹⁷ Money, compensation, incentives—they just aren’t the long-term answer to motivate people.

You probably don’t have the resources or control to give raises, bonuses, and promotions to everyone you manage either. Plus, not everyone shows up to work just to collect a paycheck. As Jeffrey Pfeffer said,¹⁸ people will work for money, but what they want more is to work to find meaning in their lives, to believe they and their work matter, and to have fun too. That’s their motivation.

To make motivation more complicated, everyone has a different “motivational profile” based on different levels of extrinsic, introjected, identified, and intrinsic motivations. I was on a research team, led by Professor Laura Graves,¹⁹ that examined these profiles among 321 leaders. Those with the highest job satisfaction, organizational commitment, and lowest intention to leave their organizations had some motivational similarities. They were driven by their personal values, goals, and interests, and in pursuing work that is personally interesting, important, or enjoyable. They were way less concerned with external motivations, doing things for rewards or to maintain their own self-images.

The managers with the lowest levels of job satisfaction and organizational commitment, and who had the highest intent to leave their organizations, were different. They had average levels of external motivation, which were higher than the well-below-average levels of the other three types of motivation.

It’s not about dollars, or euros, or yen. Instead of thinking exclusively of rewards, pay, or compensation, understand what drives and motivates each person you lead. Flip your script when it comes to motivation—it’s not some blanket method that covers everyone. Motivate others according to each individual’s need. The bosses everyone wants to work for understand what motivates each of the people reporting to them.

My Own Attempt at Flipping My Relationships

To close out this chapter, here’s my own not-so-successful attempt at flipping my relationships. Here’s what happened with a big data leadership (BDL) project I inherited when I became a leader.

When I took over BDL, I didn’t know much about how it began, where it currently stood, where it needed to go, or the importance of it. And the people—I knew nothing about the team dynamics and who did what. I didn’t fully understand why BDL was so important to our division. I didn’t really know what motivated people to do their work and why they were passionate about being part of the project, if they even were to begin with.

In my first meeting, the former project leader handed over the position of “team lead” to me, and she was going to stay on as a member. All I really did in that first meeting was say hi, let people say where the project was and what they were doing currently on the project, and go over timelines of what needed to be done. That was pretty much it.

One thing I wish I had done? Provide direction. I should have been more assertive at that first meeting, let people know my vision of the project, how important it was, and why. I wished I had conveyed how BDL can bring in revenue, add value to our work, and fuel our passions. I didn’t, and I think it hurt my efforts going forward.

As time went on, people were not as responsive with deadlines and timelines as I’d hoped. They lacked alignment. They needed someone to hold them accountable. More importantly, they needed someone to constantly tell them what their roles were and how important their work was to bring the project to completion. That’s what a leader does, and I didn’t do it very well.

They also didn’t see me as a leader who was whole-heartedly behind the project. So, they lacked commitment—if I wasn’t committed to it, they wouldn’t be either. What probably made matters worse, I never really took the time to meet with each of the team members individually. In my mind, I thought that if I did that, I would be seen as a “micromanager.” But what I should have done was to talk to each of them and find out what motivated them, what fueled their passion for the work, and then matched their motivations and passions to the work that needed to be completed.

A few months later, I told my boss and VP that the goals set for BDL would not be met at the end of the year. It was embarrassing and painful to admit that I could not lead this team effectively. I felt like a failure. And that was on me. Clearly, you can see that (1) nobody knew the vision or goals to achieve; (2) nobody knew what the tasks were and how those tasks were important in achieving those goals; and (3) nobody was engaged or motivated to do the work. No DAC.

But my boss and VP helped me see this as a learning opportunity. “So what will you do differently going forward?” they asked me.

I will help paint a picture of why BDL is so important for each of the members of the team. I’ll have weekly meetings where members will keep themselves updated on what is going on, so they feel connected and have clarity about what is happening. It’s a way for team members to publically say how they are fulfilling their work and be held accountable. If someone isn’t doing the work, we need to help that person understand how that negatively affects everyone. Finally, I will talk with each of the team members and understand his or her own personal motivations and passions. I’ll use that information to keep each person motivated and committed to the work.

Let the lessons I learned from BDL help you flip your script by flipping your relationships. It’s not too late. Provide DAC and get to know others, their passion, and what drives them and motivates them.

But for me, that wasn’t the only thing BDL helped me realize.

The work still has to get done. What happens if it doesn’t? As a new leader, do you just pick up the pieces and do it all yourself? Read the next chapter and find out.