CHAPTER 7

See with New Eyes, Hear with New Ears

Authentic listening is not easy. We hear the words, but rarely do we really slow down to listen and to squint with our ears, to hear the emotions, fears, and underlying concerns.

Kevin Cashman

We started our next meeting with a question that had been disturbing me since early in my conversations with Joseph. “Maybe it’s just wishful thinking,” I began, “but given the problems Judger throws our way . . .”

Joseph lifted his hand, signaling me to stop, and replied, “None of us can avoid slipping into Judger from time to time. It’s only human.” Then he smiled enigmatically and added, “But you can free yourself from Judger by simply accepting that part of yourself. Judger is not the problem; it’s how we relate to Judger that makes all the difference. It’s such a simple formula: Judger-Switch-Learner. But nobody can make it work without beginning with acceptance.

“Huh? That doesn’t make sense. How can I be free of something that’s part of me?”

“It does sound like a paradox, doesn’t it,” Joseph said. “But it is possible. Simple acceptance of what is creates a level playing field so that change is really possible. But leveling the field can also be challenging, especially if Judger whispers in your ear a lot. Did Alexa ever tell you about her husband Stan’s breakthrough?”

“She mentioned it,” I replied. “You helped him to make a pile of money, as I understand it.”

“He’s very proud of that story,” Joseph said. “He used the QT tools to earn his way into my Hall of Fame. Stan, as Alexa may have told you, is in the investment business. Accepting his own Judger turned out to be very profitable for him!

“Some years back, Stan was a very judgmental guy and very stuck in needing to be right. He didn’t think of himself that way, but many people around him did. If he had a run-in with someone, or heard gossip about that person that wasn’t flattering, he’d just write that person off. Stan will tell you that he clung to his assumptions and opinions like a bull terrier to a bone. He turned down many business opportunities on the basis of rumor, idle gossip, and guilt by association. He justified it all as a way of minimizing risk—which was only partially true.

“One time he made a very large investment in a promising start-up technology company. About a year later, the company hired a CEO who’d been employed by a firm that was implicated in a big financial scandal. Although this new guy had been exonerated of any wrongdoing, Stan insisted that where there was smoke there was fire. He was on the verge of pulling his money out but was also in a great deal of conflict about the whole thing. Except for the CEO they’d hired, the company seemed to be doing everything right.

“About this time, Sarah and I had dinner with Stan and Alexa. We were discussing the Learner/Judger material, and Alexa encouraged Stan to question his assumptions and use Switching questions to evaluate his investment decision. She suggested he apply the ABCD Choice Process to that issue. That’s the tool I’ve been promising to tell you about. Stan agreed to try it, and he was amazed at what a big difference it made. Here’s how the ABCD Choice Process works:

A—Aware. Am I in Judger? Stan was very funny about this. After we described the characteristics of Judger, Stan amazingly admitted that an awful lot of what we described applied to him. His response surprised us: “Being in Judger is my forte!” We all laughed, though we knew he was beginning to look at his behavior more honestly.

B—Breathe! Do I need to pause, step back, and look at this situation more objectively? Stan smiled at this question, took a deep breath, paused, and shortly admitted that he was being anything but objective, especially because so much money was at stake. He really distrusted this new CEO, though he’d never even spoken with the man.

C—Curiosity. What’s happening here? What are the facts? What am I missing or avoiding? We asked Stan if he’d done anything to collect objective information. Did he have everything he needed to make a responsible judgment? Stan realized that he’d never gotten past his distaste for what he’d heard about the guy. But facts? No, he admitted that he actually had no facts. That was a real eye opener for him.

D—Decide. What’s my decision? What’s my choice? Well, by then Stan realized that he didn’t have all the information he needed to make a wise choice. And because of his large investment he owed it to himself to check things out. A month later Stan called to tell me he’d checked around and found out the new CEO was a good guy. It was his awareness and acceptance of Judger that allowed him to scrutinize his assumptions and open his mind about the new CEO. Long story short, Stan left his money in, the company went public two years later, and he made a fortune.

“The whole situation made Stan stop and think. It was a real wake-up call for him. Having realized how much money his Judger almost cost him, Stan tells me he now uses ABCD all the time. It’s become an integral part of self-coaching for him. He even jokes that he’s starting to hardwire those questions into his brain! None of this would have happened if he hadn’t been able to simply observe and accept the Judger part of himself instead of pushing it away. Using the ABCD process begins with awareness and acceptance, then builds on it. Stan certainly reaped the rewards!

“If you met Stan today, you’d still notice that he can be opinionated and judgmental. He knows that part of himself very well and accepts it, but now he doesn’t allow it to blind him in making decisions. He even has a sense of humor about his Judger.”

“Great story!” I said, and I really meant it. I found the ABCD formula in my workbook and jotted down a few notes.

“Think about Stan making all that money and my wife finally being successful with her weight,” Joseph noted. “If they had continued wasting time being judgmental about their own Judger, they wouldn’t have even gotten to first base in making the changes they wanted.”

“This all sounds great. It really does. But here’s something I’m stuck on. Learner can sound soft. Leaders have to be strong and decisive. Leaders have to act tough and make the tough calls. I don’t see how being more of a Learner can help me do that.”

“How about Alexa,” Joseph countered. “How does she handle the tough calls?”

“Point made,” I responded quickly, thinking back to some difficult decisions she had made that I wouldn’t have wanted to face myself. She could be hard as nails when the situation demanded it, yet everyone who worked for her still felt respected even when she challenged us.

Joseph continued, “There’s an important difference between ‘Learner tough’ and ‘Judger tough.’ You can get the job done from either position. However, a Learner leader displays the kind of toughness that builds loyalty and respect as well as cooperation and risk-taking. Judger leaders are more likely to generate fear, mistrust, and conflict in the people around them.”

Was Joseph referring to my leadership style and nightmare team? Rather than bringing that up, I challenged him about another reservation I had about Learner.

“Doesn’t Learner slow things down?” I blurted out. “Work is just one pressure and deadline after another. Sometimes I’m staggered by the amount of things I need to get done and how fast they have to happen. If I had to be in Learner all the time, wouldn’t it take forever to get things done? I mean, wouldn’t I end up more behind than ever?”

Joseph answered my question with more of his own. “How many times, when you were in a rush, have you made a mistake, blamed yourself or others, and then had to do it all over? How much extra time did that take? In your haste, how many times have you been impatient or impolite to someone and then noticed that he or she didn’t talk to you much after that? What’s the cost in time, results, and even loyalty when you treat people like that?”

I just stared at him. It felt like he had been watching me in my office all day long, five days a week. Then he added, “That’s what happens when Judger takes over at work. On the other hand, I’ve heard over and over, from the folks in my Question Thinking Hall of Fame, that Learner actually helps them save time and increase productivity. In fact, one of them commented that speed and efficiency are not at all the same thing. Then he joked that Judger puts speed bumps on efficiency as well as effectiveness!

“Judger makes speed bumps. I like that,” I said. “It sure seems like life would be a lot simpler if we could all just recognize and accept Judger in ourselves, switch to Learner, and operate from there.”

“How true!” Joseph said. “That’s one of the ultimate goals of Question Thinking. Imagine what work would be like if people did this most of the time. You would have a Learner culture; you could even say you have a Learner organization. And what about your team, Ben? The one you complain about so much. Are they in Judger or Learner most of the time? You know that teams and even organizations follow the mood and behavior of their leaders. As the leader of the team, your results will only get better if theirs do.” He paused for a moment, then added: “Think of what we’ve been discussing as a practice, in the way that some people practice yoga, or mindfulness, or meditation. It’s something you give quality attention to daily, sometimes hour by hour, sometimes moment by moment. You get better at it the more you practice. As one of my clients put it, this practice rewired his brain. I think it’s true. Soon you’ll see with new eyes and hear with new ears.”

Joseph glanced at his watch. “We’ve been talking quite a while. We can take a short break and then go onto the next step, or wait until the next time we get together. What do you want to do?”

I was torn. I needed time to digest what we’d covered so far. But frankly, I was eager to hear the rest of what Joseph would tell me. I knew it would help with conversations that would soon be coming up with Charles—and also with Grace. It took only a second to make my decision. “Okay, let’s go for it!”